Why is 'The Situation' in Rehab?

(Not an actual picture of the Situation)

As you may have heard, America's Sweetheart has entered rehab for unknown reasons. A rep for MTV claims that it is for "rest and recuperation." To which I give a big ol' "b please" served with a heaping side eye. You want to rest? Go to a Sandals resort or some ish. Maybe sit your ass in a velour Lay-Z-Boy for a hot minute.

I'm going to speculate on the real reason that Mike Sorrento (I think that's actually a cheese brand, but I don't feel like googling that mess.)

- He's addicted to pledging his face. (Why is it so shiny? Whyyyy?)

- He's addicted to forcing girls to wear his lounge wear as soon as they come to his house from the club, and before he sexes them. (I think that Freud might have an answer to that one.)

- He can't stop getting haircuts that include shapes being shaved into one's head, such as stars and stripes. (Patriotic!)

- He can't get over his obsession/jealousy with his friend, the Unit's (bleh), lustrous hair. (Have you seen it? It's kind of insane.)

- He's truly exhausted from fake working at a t-shirt shop, when in reality he gets paid $100k per episode.

I need to go to rehab over the fact that this dumdum (Sorry, no disrespect, Mr. DumDum.) is driving around in damn Bentleys and ish, while I wonder if Dodge has discontinued the Neon for my next car. 

P.S. If homeboy really needs to go to rehab, I'm proud of that b for going. But stop sending out press releases and just go!

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Sir...

Shall I call you Mr. DumDum? Your name is awesome. Thank you for coming on Judge Mathis and sharing it with us all.


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Reason #1987384 That You Hate Me

I effin' love Mob Wives. If you don't watch this hottest of a hot mess, you are so missing out. This Funny or Die video is pretty damn spot on. Especially Renee.

Mob Wives 2: The Christening from Sophia Bush

My favorite style icon from Mob Wives is hands down Big Ang. I'm seriously in love with this woman. She and I are kindred spirits. Leopard? Dark hair? Those lips?



Are you guys watching this ish? Let's talk about it.

P.S. Yes, that second Big Ang portrait tattoo is mine. Get off my jock.


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Ummm...

Radar Online is reporting that SNOOKI IS PREGNANT. SOMEONE GET MY SMELLING SALTS, I CAN'T STOP KANYE WEST-STYLE CAPS LOCKING!!! I need to go gather my thoughts.


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I Don't Know Jack Ish About Kids...

But I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be giving them 'mystery juice' of any kind. Isn't that what Michael Jackson ALLEGEDLY gave kids back in the day? Ummm...Yeah, no.

P.S. I'm totally changing my name to Alana. Because that girl is the truth.

P.P.S. My new catchphrase is now, "Give me a dollar, make me holla honey boo boo child."

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Snooki Is Officially Way Thinner Than Me.

B weighs 98 pounds now. Where do I go from here in my life?

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Fresh Off Kris Jenner's Printing Press...

Let's talk about the Kardashian's Kristmas Kard. (You know Kris Jenner spells it that way.) It's obviously not split like this, but I wanted to get the closest look possible. A few points of interest:

• Why are the lesser earners all forced to be on the left?
• Why does Kris Jenner look like she skinned Ariel's fish tail and stole Mickey Mouse's bow tie to create her outfit? Someone thaw out Walt Disney, stat!
• Where is Kim's chin?
• Why is Kourtney's kid working it out harder than the rest of the family, most of which are paid models?
• Why is Kim so blatantly shoved shoved out in the front by herself? "She's so alone and strong!" -Kris Jenner's cray cray mixed up brain.

Okay, I'm over it.

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In It's About Damn Time News: Kim Richards Edition

Kim Richards of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has entered rehab to get help with her problems with alcohol. I'm glad, this b seems a mess and needs to get back on track. Good luck, Kimmy (not Gibbler)! Just keep rocking that pearl choker, sweetness, and we will all be okay.

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Vinny Wants You to Pretend That He's Raping You...

 You can file this under "Ummm, No Thanks." That Vinny dude from Jersey Shore wrote a rap, and TMZ has the romantic lyrics:

"I ain't got a girl ... You ain't got a man ...
I've got a date for ya ... and it's in my pants."

The rap continues: 
"Oh you a fan? You wanna take a pic?
I like your crack girl ... I wanna take a hit.
Yeah I'm takin' it ... I'm a get you naked b*tch ...
We can f**k and make it fit... boomin s**t and slatin' it.
Actin' like I'm raping it ...
f** k her til she fakin' it."

But wait, there's more: 
"If I act like a d*ck ... slap me with your t*ts."

 Seriously? What the eff is this mess? I just can't with any of these Jersey Shore h.a.m. sandwiches. Just go swim in your dirty MTV money like Scrooge McDuck and quit rapping about fake raping b's.

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