Showing posts with label Nails. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nails. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Breaking Bad (Beauty Habits)

I pretty much can only think about Breaking Bad right now, you guys.

via brbagifs
 With only four episodes left forever ever, I feel like I'm attending a mini funeral every f*cking week. It's almost unbearable. P.S. If you haven't watched this show by now, Christ on a cracker, get your sh*t together and watch it. You can binge watch the whole thing on Netflix. Stop acting like a damn fool.

Anyway, since this blog is supposed to be half beauty sh*t, I actually came up with a way to incorporate my BB obsession and bring some beauty tips into the mix. With that in mind, here's how to finally break your bad beauty habits.

 Stop forgetting sunscreen by using a moisturizer with one already in it. I know that some of your asses are still gallivanting around out there sans sunscreen and doing 80's-type hood rat sh*t with your friends like "laying out."


Number one -- stop that sh*t. You're going to look old. And even if you aren't at the beach on the reg, you still need a moisturizer with sunscreen if your mug meets the sun's rays during the day. And if you're using any skin care products with fancy ass crap like retinols, or other exfoliating madness, you REALLY need a sunscreen. Quit playing with me.

Don't you ever share eyeliners or mascaras. Even in a jam. Sharing eye products is even more gross than sharing lip sh*t, and can easily spread effery like PINK EYE.


Listen, I'm a pretty nasty b*tch, but even I don't eff around with sharing eye makeup. I like to carry a cheap drugstore eyeliner and a mini mascara in my purse to avoid sh*tty situations such as these. Your total cost will be under $5, and YOU WON'T BE GROSS AS F*CK.

If you can't remember to wash your face at night, keep facial cleansing wipes by your bed. Why does washing your face at night feel like you're climbing the friggin' Great Wall of China? I don't know, but I do know that this is me:


And b*tches don't feel like posting up over a sink and scrub-a-dub dubbing all damn night. But, not washing your face at night not only clogs your pores (obvs), IT MAKES YOU AGE FASTER. Mother. F*cker. If you can't wash your face, at least use a cleansing wipe. It's clearly freaking important.

Cure nail biting with glitter nail polish. This DIY cure is a two fold deal. First off, if your nails are that of a bad b*tch, you won't want to eff them up.


Also, NO ONE wants to eat glitter. That just sounds disgusting, even to Ke$ha's ass.

Nails = saved.

Okay, b faces, back to Breaking Bad premonitions/thoughts/theories. And, seriously, if you don't watch this show I WILL CUT YOU.




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Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Trash Box Nail Tutorials: Glitter Sand Art Edition

Did you guys ever have on of these sand/glitter deals as a kid?


You would flip it over, and then the sand/glitter mixture would move around and make another boring formation. It was one of those things that was half cool to look at and half thing that your parents bought to shut you up.

Well, today's nail idea is based on these boringly badass art memorabilia.


SOMEWHAT similar, right? Oh, who the eff knows. I literally made this sh*t up five minutes ago. If you happen to want to try this quasi-nail art look yourself, here's what you'll need.


Three glittery nail polishes. I chose Dimepiece and Stun from Floss Gloss, because I effing love the kids, and Follow Me on Glitter from Nicole by OPI from the Kardashian Kollection because I really, really hate myself. Let us never speak of me buying anything Kardashian-related ever again, mmmmkay?

Here's what you do:


Step One -- Paint on the first color about halfway up your nail.

Step Two -- (There's so much we can do. P.S. If you don't click on that link and watch it in its entirety, I hate you.) Paint the second color slightly overlapping the first, and almost to the tip of your nail.

Step Three -- Take the third color, overlap a little with color two, and to the end of the nail.

Step Four -- Take color number one and blur the edges between the first two colors, so it's not a straight, blah ass border between. DONE!

The best way to get an opaque glitter look with one shot with this sh*t is to lay the brush flat on your nail and glob it on. This is a textured look, so you don't want it to be perfect. Go ahead, eff it up a little.


Easiest. Nail. (Kinda) art. EVA.



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Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Don't Serve Life for These Beauty Crimes

Holy eff balls, man, being a human lady can be hard at times. It can be really tough to get your ish together beauty-wise, and just live your life like a person. Luckily for you, I've experienced many a beauty tragedy, and I have learned from my grossest mistakes.


Dalmatian-esque Self Tanner Jobs


Poor LL. The tragic victim of the Cheetos 'Stache. (Duck lips are unrelated.)


This is a very common occurrence with those of us who enjoy hitting the bottle of self tanner. Luckily, there is the world's easiest solution to this mess.


Do like this bang-coiffed child and exfoliate your sh*t before you apply your tan. A plain ol' washcloth works best for the bod, but take a little more care with your mug. You don't want to be too harsh and eff your skin up. Just use your brain area and your best judgement. But, I will say that I find a washcloth most effective for removing existing splotchiness, like on Lilo's stubborn upper lip area (or other annoying areas like armpit creases, knees, elbows, etc).

Creased n' Greasy Eyeshadow


Is there a bigger c-block to bangin' ass eyeshadow times than creasing on you lid? Imma go with "no." This is one of the easiest beauty blunders to overcome, and I owe all of that to Urban Decay's Primer Potion ($20). You just need a little dab of this magic to cover your eyelid, and I even use it on my lower lash line to keep eyeliner and such in check. I literally recommend this sh*t to everyone, and I refuse to shut the eff up about it. Sorry, I'm not sorry.

via mrhankey
OCD Nail Probs

I've told you guys before, I don't give two effs about trying to stay in the lines when I paint my nails. It's super pointless and time-consuming. You can have 100% gorgeous and glossy nails, without a steady hand and being a freaky ambidextrous circus performer. Just worry about painting the entirety of those b's, and them let them dry COMPLETELY. After they're dry, take that same raggedy washcloth, or loofah, or whatever deal you want, and scrub the skin around your newly painted nails. IT WILL COME RIGHT OFF. You can feel free on move on about your life, people. This is now a non-issue.


What other beauty probs do you need me to get to solvin'? Sound off in the comments, or send some smoke signals. Whatever. I got you, boo.




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Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure
This week for Allure, I delve into ways to Graduate Your Beauty Look. Go check it out and stop boring the sh*t out of yourself when you look in the mirror.



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Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Ballsy on a Budget-- White Polish Edition

There's just something about white polish, man. It's so bright and perfect, and weirdly edgy. It makes me feel like a high school kid boredly white out-ing their asses into emo perfection.

cameo by kiki la rue, who won't get the eff out of the shot
But here's the thing about white nail polish -- sh*t's a totally b*tch to get right. It's very often bumpy, and takes friggin' FOR. EV. ER. to dry, so it's usually totally effed within the hour. But I finally got badassery in a bottle this time around with a few tricks. First, you HAVE to use a base coat. I used Bassline from Floss Gloss. I followed it up with a WHITE BASE POLISH, using the base from one of the Revlon Nail Art Neon Nail Enamels. I then used a coat (or two -- can't remember) of whatever white polish you're into. Just make sure it's opaque. Finish it up with a top coat, doy, because you don't want it to look like you used white out FOR REAL, for real. Aaaannnnd scene.

via yourewelcomeforbeingmyfriend
As you should, boo boo. As you should.




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Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Beauty Sh*t That Reminds Me of My Favorite Lovah, Wine.

Wine is the ish, you guys. And so beauty mess that reminds me of my ride-or-die b, wine, is the ish, by proxy. Doy. And now that I have your attention (WINE) and I'm drinking (WINE), let's get this party started. But not with P!nk. I'm not that drunk. (Yet.)


My favorite wine-inspo category is probably the nail variety. Wine nails are effin' hot, y'allz. They're vampy and sexy, and make my ass feel glamorous, which is kind of a hard thing to do. I'm trash.

essie in recessionista (target, $7.79) & revlon top speed in forbidden (drugstore.com, $3)
I've already told you homies about the deal with Essie's Recessionista, but it's worth repeating. To me, it's a true wine color. It's not as dark as some wine-y polishes, and it's super classy -- if that's your bag o' tricks. I'm you are a tad darker, and maybe a cheap ass --



then Revlon's Top Speed in Forbidden might be for you. It's goth, hot, and dries fast. (Three things I look for in a dude...NO!) Plus, it's $3 right now on drugstore.com, so go snatch that ish, crazy brains.

elizabeth arden beautiful color radiance blush in plum perfection, $26
The Elizabeth Arden peeps sent over some of their new blush colors for me to try, and I'm super into this one. It's called Plum Perfection, so it's not REALLY wine, but I'm sure you can get plum wine...somewhere. This blush has the tiniest hint of glimmer, and it's very subtle, so you can use it and not feel like you belong in the Insane Clown Posse. (If ICP were really into wearing heavy blush, or something.) But the color is really cool and different, so I'm into it. Just keep it to the apples of your cheeks to keep from looking like you were somehow squeezed into an 80's time capsule.

tarte lipsurgence matte lip tint in envy, $24
I got this tarte LipSurgence somewhere, at some point in time (I can't be held to remembering actual THINGS), and I live for this sh*t. I really love tarte lip products because they are minty and fabulous. And I REALLY love this stuff because it's what Kat Dennings wears on 2 Broke Girls, and I want to borderline Single White Female that b. It lasts a long time, and you can also apply and blot if you want a more demure, stain-y look. (But who the eff does?!?)

Okay, that's it, mofos. I'm all wined out. (NEVAAAAR!)


 Pssshhh. No sh*t.




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Monday, April 29, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: The Non-Elegance That Is "Manicured Hands Holding Pearls."

I was watching Snapped last night, which is surprisingly boring for a show about murder, when I realized how much I really, really hate something.


This is a screen shot of the opening of the show, and there's my annoying nemesis -- "Manicured Hands Holding Pearls." I've always been confounded and irritated by the painted nails/multi strands of pearls deal, stemming from my mid-90's, teen talon (long-as-hell, chocolate brown, acrylic nails) days, when posters of this mess was plastered up everywhere and in every damn nail salon.

ugh. like i'm going to pay for this crap.
ohhhh. so glamourous and edgy.
bigger balls.
Listen b's, don't sue me for using these pictures. I'VE GOT TO DEMONSTRATE SH*T. I just don't understand what I'm supposed to feel when I look at this crap. Understated elegance? A reminder that I hate french manicures? Rich b*tches love clutching all of their pearl strands at once?


I give up on looking at things with my eyes.



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Monday, April 8, 2013

Random Homie: Duri Nail Polish

You guys know that I love telling your asses about nail polish brands that you (might) have not heard of before. The peeps at Duri Cosmetics sent me a variety of polishes from their Spring collection to try, and at $6 a pop, you need to come and ride this polish train (and ride it).
duri's spring line ($6 each), afterhours on top
The color I chose to highlight is Afterhours, which is a beige-y/silver with a dab of lavender.
afterhours by duri, $6
So I like to match my toes with my shoes with my couch. Get off my jock, man. And sorry for the foot pic, I know it's kind of gross unless you're into weird foot stuff. If so, play on, playa.


I've had this polish on my toes for almost a week now, during which time I have worn boots, heels, sandals, been barefoot in the mountains, gone to a wedding, driven through three states, worked on my tired ass feet, hung out in a (possibly) haunted house, done homies' makeup, broken up yorkie/chihuahua dog fights, and more -- and ish still looks pristine as a mofo. I'm sold. Get out your six bucks, dudes, this is good. Check out all of the Duri polish choices here.




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Wednesday, March 27, 2013

How To Not Be Super Boring In Your Hand Area, Even If You Can't Do That Nail Art Sh*t.

To be realzzz with you, I'm super surprised that the whole nail art trend mess is still going down. It's not really something that most peeps can do with their own two hands, and it's been going on for way longer than a hot ass minute. But just because you aren't sponge painting ice cream cones onto your pinkie nails, doesn't mean you have to succumb to having your paws take the next train to Blahsville. Try these easy, and MUCH lazier ways of having an exciting mani.

Be like Mariah, and let that ish Glitter.
stun & dimepiece from floss gloss ($8 each)
I have straight up (now tell me) been on Floss Gloss' junk for a while now, and that's because their ish is the boss. Especially the glitter polishes, which are 100% opaque after two coats. This is no willy nilly nonsense. This polish is straight Willy Wonka's golden ticket on your tips. (I SAID TIPS.) Check out all of the Floss Gloss color choice (they are all hot) here.

Stick it. (Why are these all terrible movie titles?)
incoco nail stickers in boo! ($9.99)
Okay, so these are Halloween-themed nail stickers from Incoco, but IT'S MUMMIES AND THEY GLOW. That sh*t is timeless. If you can't paint real, live, mummies on your nails, this is totally the next best thing. And these stickers are so friggin' easy to use. They take me ten minutes to put on, when others take me, like, an hour. STOP JUDGING ME WITH YOUR EYES. See all of the (non-mummy) available Incoco designs here.

Get neon in this mutha effer.
revlon nail art neon polish (target, $7.99)
Call me trash, but I love neon polish right now. It's fun, and makes you feel uber Saved by the Bell-ish without wearing a Hypercolor t-shirt. The best thing about this Revlon Nail Art Neon Polish is the white base coat. It makes the neons even more neon-y. And there are ten colors to choose from, so you can definitely find one that will work for your ass. Unless you hate bright colors. Then you won't find one that will work for your ass. Try Hot Topic for "Black as Sadness," or whatever. Check the Revlon Neon array here.

via petwat tumblr
You officially aren't boring (on your hands), anymore. You look guuuurd, girl.






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Monday, January 21, 2013

Random Homie: Mariah Carey's OPI Stay the Night from INPINK

My hands look like they're made from glittery moon rock, you guys, and I mean that ish in the best way possible. The nice people over at INPINK sent me a sample of the highly anticipated (in my heart) OPI/Mariah Carey callabo polish, Stay the Night ($9) and also a sassy little pave bracelet ($20), which I have been wearing the eff out of.


Now let's talk the polish. It's a black, matte polish with a pink glitter in it. And the finish is called sand, which means it dries to a sandpaper-type finish. It's seriously unlike any other nail product I've used. It's like a pumice stone, but glittery as sh*t. (Is that THE WORST description, ever?) You just need two coats of polish to get this sweet ass finish, but don't use a top coat because it's meant to look like SAND, hello. And I feel like the wear of the polish will be really long, because I've been wearing it for three days, and don't really have any chips. That's pretty unheard of for me, because I am hard as hell on my nails. They are like my own ten personal swiss army knives...that are attached to my hand.


See? It's still looking damn good, people. I'm totally into it. It makes me feel like this:

via mrhankey
 I really recommend this ish, if nothing more than it's different than anything I've ever tried before. Go visit the INPINK site to see all of the Mariah Carey/OPI possibilities. Hellllllooooo, moon fingers!




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Friday, December 21, 2012

Random Homie: Essie Recessionista Nail Polish

Essie Recessionista, $8
I was initially torn on making this b a RH, you guys. I've had this polish for a hot ass minute (I think I got it in the Allure Best of Beauty SWAG), but I never used it. It has just kind of given me a big ol' case of the "Meh"s in the bottle. But I read an article somewhere recently (my brain doesn't retain real facts) where some hoity toity fashion-y/beauty person was all, "Essie Recessionista is my jam of all jams." Okay, they were probably more like, "I really enjoy the plummy undertones of Recessionista," but you get my point. Either way, it motivated my lazy ass to actually try the polish, instead of just judging the sh*t out of it from afar.

I'm a thorough b face. Recessionista in THREE kinds of lighting.
Okay, okay. So color my ass wrong. It's effin' nice, right? It really doesn't look old lady-ish (That's just my old lady hands, shut up!) It's a deep red, with a slight purplish touch, but not ass deep as Essie Wicked or OPI Lincoln Park After Dark. Bottom line -- into it, and totally Random Homie worthy.

Pick Recessionista up for yourself at local drugstores/Targets/what have you, or here.



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Thursday, December 13, 2012

Random Homie: Incoco Nail Polish Strips in Cheers!

Incoco in Cheers!, $8.99
I have made myself VERY clear on the fact that I am captain of the Lazy Committee. (If you want to join, you do nothing. And we will never, ever meet -- we are also sponsored by the We Hate Everyone Club.) And my laziness seems to at least triple in force when it comes to nail care. If you could see my toenail polish situation right now, you would literally vomit your entire face off. Dire straits, I'm talking.

So when Incoco sent me their nail polish strips to try, I was excited but reserved. In the past, I've had mixed results with nail strips. A lot of them are like trying to put a damn child's plastic toy shovel on your nail and hoping that ish sticks. Spoiler alert: It totally doesn't. When I opened the package, this is what I found:


Like, literally, every friggin' thing you MIGHT even ever need to apply these things, including wipes to remove them. Holy eff, that never happens with these kits! And I'm pretty sure that the little pack of strips are clear coats, although I couldn't figure it out. When I opened the actual pack of polish strips, I knew these b's were something different. It actually SMELLED LIKE NAIL POLISH. Whaaaat? Imagine, nail strips made from actual nail polish. And the polish was really cool. Black with chunky pieces of glitter, not some wimpy ass glitter tossed here and there -- these were like Ke$ha glitter volume. And applying these puppies was about 39843% easier than the strips I've tried before. The whole process took maybe 15 minutes, when it usually takes me about an hour to get that sh*t tight with those tricky ass strips.

The results -- blang blam!
And the wear is pretty awesome, too. I'm on day four, and I only have some slight wear on the tips of my nails. No chips or peeling, yet. Bottom line -- so friggin' easy even I can do it. I might have some new ride or die nail homies, y'all. Check out all of the colors and such from Incoco here.




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Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Random Homie: Layla Ceramic Effect Nail Polish in #53

Zappos, $9.95 with FREE shipping
Before I received this Layla polish, I had never heard of the brand. It's apparently an Italian nail polish company, and they were one of the first peeps to do the whole magnetic polish deal. The color I tried is best described as a ruby red with flakes of red glitter. But the glitter isn't like your gamgam's glitter from Michael's. This polish looks like lava is painted on your nails.

My photography skills are straight sh*t.
I COULD NOT get a good representation of these nails in any light.

See? Terrible.
But I promise they are badass. And the polish dries really fast, which my lazy ass truly appreciates. The company says you don't need a base or top coat, but I did both anyway. What can I say? I can't be tamed. I break all the rules. Anyway, check out all of the colors over at Zappos and see what you think. Now I'm going to put on my Katniss Everdeen "girl on fire" dress to match my nails.


It has officailly come to a point that I can NEVER again mention Jennifer Lawrence/Katniss Everdeen in this space. Homegirl is one more mention away from legally making sure I stay 100 feet away from her ass.



Update: This is an easily chipping polish, which is pretty standard for glittery ass polishes, but I just had to keep it real with my b's. I wrote this post last night, and am now on my work lunch break, and I've got some chipping happening. But like some Level 2 type ish. Nothing insane.





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