Lady Gaga performed last night at SXSW (where a girl threw up on her for "art" purposes), and followed up the gig by making an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live. After watching this interview, I'm feeling really torn about how I feel about Gaga at this point. I think she's super talented, and I feel like she actually has a sense of humor about herself, but something is bothering me. And it's not the vomit. Or the coffee filter dress. Or the pedicab leotard/fanny pack combo.
What is happening with her voice? It's like she's doing a weird Paris Hilton-esque baby affect, and I can't get behind that. I don't recall this being her typical voice, really, ever. Is she just trying something out, like the Madonna British thing? Maybe she had some dental work done? Maybe it's coffee filter reverb? Whatever the case, I hope this shit's not permanent. No one likes a sexy baby.
And speaking of lady pop angels that live on earth, if you've been wondering what Brit Brit has been up to (OF COURSE YOU HAVE), here's your answer.
I have to say something that probably goes against current popular opinion. I hate Pharrell's "Happy." It's like musical version of some bag of b-holes telling you to smile. Don't tell me when to smile.
So power blasting a song telling me to be happy doesn't, in fact, make me feel happy. It makes me wonder when the shit it's going to end. Like this guy:
I feel you, sir. If people still wore watches, I would totally be looking at mine right now. But ol' timepiece isn't even my favorite elderly person in this video. I found my not-down-ass soulmate:
He's surly as eff, enjoys a pink shirt, can't clap two hands together, and is somewhat androgynous, as old people are wont to be. This man is perfect. I want to binge-watch a Columbo marathon with him.
Oh, and screw this guy. (Figuratively, of course.) You know what actually makes me happy? This:
Are the kids still saying "collabo?" Nope? Great. You might have heard that Lorde and MAC are releasing a limited-edition line of makeup, much like Rihanna and whoever else that I don't feel like googling, in the past. There aren't a ton of detail on what kind of products will be included, but I'm pretty sure that we can expect some kind of dark and lovely lipsticks that evoke feelings of witch covens and ripped fishnets from this shit. So, AKA, I can't wait. I'm also hoping from some dramatic brow realness from this line, but we'll see when it debuts June 5th.
In anticipation of this vampy-ass goodness, let's discuss the best places to don our Lorde-y faces while we roam this earth.
#1 -- A stiletto nail salon.
#2 -- A Stevie Nicks Dress Warehouse, if that existed.
#3 -- A Rebecca Gayheart hair flip off, also, if that existed.
#4 -- An AHS: Coven viewing party, obviously.
#5 -- To visit the Royals, or just Prince Sexy Pants Harry.
The best place to not wear your new high-end goth-esque face? A Taylor Swift tea party at her New England beach house.
You know she'd be all, "OMG, you're so random. I can't even deal," and write a song called "Passive Aggressive Burgundy Lips" about you.
Are you guys into this makeup collaboration? Or will I be the only one dragging my old ass out to stock up on undead lady lipsticks?
This month for Allure, I funneled all of my crazy, weird love for pop stars into a slideshow all about "10 Beauty Looks Inspired From the 10 Times You Wanted to Be a Pop Princess." Go check it out here.
Life is hard, man. Sometimes you see a sexy mofo, you want to look at them, but you don't know the appropriate length of time that you can thrust your eyeballs upon them. If only there was some kind of ruuuuuuule...Sweet Jesus' Birkenstocks.
This video raises so many questions in my mind grapes. Who the eff are the backup singers on this track? Muppets? Demons from The Labyrinth? Why is there a creepy, disembodied, old-timey lady's outfit posted up in the corner of the classroom? Is this some kind of historical monument that homegirl is sanging all over? WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON AFTER THE 2:30 MARK? No, seriously, what the eff is that? Why is she squatting? Is she having stomach pains? Did she just run really far? I'm not really sure how to live my life from here.
Has there ever been anything more awkward than this video?
Oh, man. You know it's going to be great music video experience when that little artist/title thingy doesn't leave the corner of the screen for well over a minute. You really know that things are headed to Perfection-ville, population Cathy, when she removes her sunglasses apparatus from her sensible Lens Crafters creations. Those were NOT from the $99 wall, I can almost guarantee.
But then things start taking an odd turn for me. When KC goes on about "tasting adventure," sh*t got weird. Keyboard Cathy clearly very feels VERY sensual feelings about sashimi, you guys. Wait. Is this really just a bowl-cutted video full of sexual innuendo? By the eyebrows at the 2:41 mark, I don't really think that it could be anything else. OH MY GOD, AT 3:35 IT'S ALL JUST TOO MUCH. Is Key Key possibly talking about try her OTHER bowl cut? And is it...is it...pierced?
Well, I probably just ruined your weekend, your life, and any chance in hell of you going to a sushi restaurant again, so also the sushi industry as a whole. My work here is done.
This is the "Dark Horse" teaser video. This is also Katy Perry wearing effing gigantic rhinestones on her teeth. Like, GIGANTIC. Like, so big that homie can't close her mouth and the Titanic crashed into it.
Cleopatra is all, "What the f*ck is this ridiculous b doing?" from her sarcophagus made from completely non-rhinestone jewels right now. What a historical abomination.
I've decided to start trying to diversify my shit, and attempt to write various kinds of things. Today I wrote my first essay, just to kind of see if I could, and if I had anything to write about. It's a memoir, of sorts, about an Elementary School-aged me, and this song:
The essay is after the jump if you care to indulge, and if not, that's cool too. It's totally acceptable if you're here to talk about lipstick and Justin Bieber. Don't worry, I'm still doing that. I probably won't post more of these essays here, but I thought I would go ahead and post this shit because it's the first one and, whatever, I do what I want.
Mother of a b, Kris Jenner, is nothing sacred in this world? Never mind, I think that we already know your answer to that sh*t. Even Nicole Richie's presence in this video couldn't elevate it beyond terrible-to-quite-terrible levels, because Kris Jenner is attempting to rap one of the greatest songs of all historical times and completely effs it up. Salt-N-Pepa's "Shoop" is pretty much a hymn for me, and now it's ALL JUST RUINED!
I have a rich, deep history with this song, so spin it for me one more time, Spinderella, and it goes like this: When I was in middle school, I had the CD/cassette of "Shoop," and I listened to it every damn day on my Disc/Walkman (I can't remember which of these this was...it was the early 90s) as I rode the bus on the way to school. I then started writing the lyrics to the song so I could memorize them, which I did, and I STILL KNOW ALL OF THEM TO THIS DAY. So, the moral of the story? Kris Jenner just ruined my childhood. Thanks a bunch.
No, seriously, I bought some chips today and I can't stop thinking about them. I'm going to shove all of them into my mouth hole.
Remember when I used to do that whole 'GUUUUUURL of the Day' deal? Yeah, I should probably get my sh*t together and actually try to do things that I'm supposed to do more often. Just like my middle school guidance counselor said, I should really apply myself more.
So in the spirit of getting back on (off?) the wagon, here's a video from yesteryear (2008) that I am just now discovering, even though I have a full subscription to every unicorn-related newsletter from here to eternity. I must have been too busy vajazzling in '08, causing this gem (zing!) to slip though my grubby paws.
I don't know who this delightfully bowl-cutted young man is, but I want in on this Unicorn Kingdom Club. Move, Miss Emily, get out the way. "Just close your eyes and grab onto the horn, " is a motto I can totally get behind.
Usually I feel like this about in regards to most humans:
It's pretty universal in my world. But then J Hud, the keeper of the amazing pipes, comes along does something super sweet and selfless and makes the rest of the celebrity world look like a big old bag o' d's. As the world's best boss move she bought her assistant, and friend since elementary school, A MF-ING HOUSE for Christmas. This video is him discovering the big reveal.
Well, that is just the cutest thing I've witnessed in a hot minute. The only thing more adorable than that is (maybe) a basket of kittens.
Hey guys, guess what? I found the anthem of current times, and it features a lot of bad wigs, faux vomiting, a shirtless Jersey Shore-esque dude on a trampoline and a sh*tload of Ozzy Osbourne sunglasses.
Let's dissect this as we watch.
0:01 - Prom shoes.
0:12 - Oh, sh*t. This is going to be bad.
0:18 - Humping birds and an inauthentic Facebook "like" thumb. Why?
0:22 - Ohhhhh, this is Eastern Euopean. Where they really enjoy Hasselhoff. I kind of wish he was in this.
0:33 - Huge "YOLO" joints. Is that how you must watch this?
0:47 - *than
0:51 - Dance floor. Two words. Who edited this???
0:53 - "I'm just like Paris Hilton in 2003, but Russian and I have a Jack Russel"
1:22 - A guy on the trampoline has a rotary phone. If that doesn't make you feel YOLO, I don't know what would.
1:30 - What kind of top does one reach from YOLO-ing? Trash mountain?
1:35 - What the eff is going on with that low-rent DIY liquor (?) bottle?
1:42 - Apparently, being freightened by break-dancing, cheap ass mask-wearing dude in an unfinished apartment building makes you brave.
1:54 - Prince('s cousin's adopted son)?
2:45 - Oh, good, it's over.
2:46 - Dammit.
2:50 - Glamorous condom slipping.
2:57 - Romance.
3:00 - "Jewels."
3:17 - Running Man with terrible form.
3:37 - Popping YOLO bottles in the Wet Seal version of the "Bad" Michael Jackson jacket.
Annnnnnd, scene. If that video cost more than a day old ham sandwich to make, homegirl should demand a refund. I'm pretty sure I just watched the live action, musical version of this:
Warning: NSFW due to things like boobies and roughly 10 million effs, but life is kind of NSFW, offices of America. Revolt! (I'm just getting you prepared for the high drama.)
Warning #2: This mess is 30 minutes long, so get comfortable. Or break it up into segments to watch during your pee pee times.
That was a long ass haul, but I happened to watch all of it, and I don't watch all of much. The first scene featured a unicorn, so did I even have a frigging choice in this matter? If you are too time-cheap to invest 30 minutes into watching, here's the Cliff's Notes version:
Lana and a little skinny guy, who I'm guessing is an H&M model, or something, are in the Garden of Eden wearing my Halloween costume from 2002. (This is not a lie. I wish I had a picture.) They're joined by Faux-arilyn Monroe, Fake-lvis and Non-John Wayne. Oh, and Jesus. Jesus is there. Lana takes a bite of the proverbial forbidden fruit, or whatever, and...scene.
She's now a stripper in a club with fire hazard-ly low ceilings, and HAS TEARDROP TATTOOS on her face, which happen to be my favorite accessory.
There's probably a late 90's Ice Cube song playing in this place. Skinny model guy works at some low-rent store where shirtless dudes come in and do possible crank/angel dust/something I don't even know about from the front counter. He also points plungers around like a fake gun. Sometimes Lana sits on the low-rent store's counter in oversized t-shirts, BECAUSE JUST BECAUSE SHE'S A STRIPPER DOESN'T MEAN SHE'S SLUTTY. Skinny's probably getting a raise soon. At some point a Day of the Dead party is attended. A robbery of boring old white men (some with Brad-Pitt-circa-1997-highlights) is planned, using the ol' stripper/armed robbery switcharoo.
Next we find Skinny and Lana in a Bonnie and Clyde-esque car driving through a field, while Lana discards the old parts of their former thug life, ending with her taking off the black chiffon thingy she's wearing. Now they're wearing white, because they're now dead/innocent again. OBVIOUSLY. But don't worry, the tattoo tear drops are still kicking it and staying alive, unlike them. There's wheat field dancing, water play (not peeing though), and finally ascending to heaven, or Non-John Wayne's rifle storage shed. I'm not really sure.
Overall, I was pretty, pretty into this hootenanny. I know some people are not jumping on the LDR train, but I happen to have bought a round trip ticket with no refunds. Not to mention, this mini movie featured her song "Gods and Monsters," and that just happens to be my sh*t.
Judge me if you feel the need, PHAEDRA. What did you guys think? Like/hate/meh? Too long to watch, even for teardrop tattoos? (You need to re-evaluate your priorities.)
I don't know if you guys peeped the scene of the American Music Awards last night, but I did, and I noticed that something f*cking terrible happened. No, not Pitbull's boring ass, dry toast hosting skills. I'm talking about the realization that I'm getting friggin' old. These are the moments of clarity that lead me to this sad sack conclusion. (I'm sure I have very few moments of clarity before my mind starts to go, so let's cherish this time together.)
#1 -- I was all, "Damn, Fall Out Boy got old, " then realized that some of them are younger than my ass. I need to check Craig's List for a hyperbaric chamber.
#2 -- This One Direction dude's hair. No really, what the eff is happening on this guy's head? Insanity, or I'm just elderly, that's what.
#3 -- Man tunics. Jesus, take the wheel.
#4 --WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My eyeballs have never rested upon any of these humans before, and it might be time for me to retire.
#5 -- Rihanna was wearing the same accessory sh*t that I was wearing in 1997. Shout out to Contempo Casuals.
#6 -- Lady Gaga's performance only made me feel like I was watching "Trapped In The Closet, Part 374: Politico Edition."
#7 -- I totally related to OG members of TLC. My knees and back are struggling now, too, y'all. Poor T-Boz and Chili's dancing consisted mostly of glorified walking with some light hand clapping. My suggestion? Get rid of Lil' Mama and bring in Betty White in Left Eye's place. You guys will look young and flexible as hell.
#8 -- My favorite performer of the night was a CGI cat crying diamond tears into a spider web. And for the record, I totally would have scooped up that two-piece leotard if I made a cat dancing workout video in 1992.
P.S. If flared(ish) capri pants are making a comeback, I'm not sure I can be of this planet anymore.
Lady Gaga was apparently on SNL this weekend, and one of the songs she performed was "Do What U Want," which happens to feature the illustrious R. Kelly. Full disclosure -- I like this song, and really most songs on L.G.'s new album. I also, on occasion, think about R. Kelly's life (What can I say, I love the remix to "Ignition," but hate the original "Ignition."), and what he's been up to since all that peeing on minors business.
Clearly, what the Kells has been up to is awkward ass choreography to his duet with Gaga. And weird pantsuits. Seriously, these two have the sexual tension of a three day old tuna salad sandwich and a room temperature glass of milk. 'Tis not getting hot in hurrr, you guys.
I totally know where Gaga got the inspiration for this performance.
I'm also lucky that I don't currently own a Flowbee, or I would be attaching that sh*t to my vacuum immediately and putting the "flouncy, bouncy bowl cut" setting on my mop.
Here's the O.G. (AKA boring, vanilla soft serve sans sprinkles version with 100% less Chris Koo) version, if you need a refresher. I'm off to get a straw for my super sized non-haterade, because I love this guy.
WARNING: P uses her baby voice to breathe the f-word (and Lil' Wayne's must-need-the-money's ass says it a couple times, too) in this joint, just in case you're watching this in court or something.
Wait. Am I on a spaceship that is forcing me to relive circa 2003? If so, let my ass off, you alien dicks, because I can't live through that sh*t again. You know what else I can't handle? A mothereffing resurgence of Paris Hilton in pop culture and/or music. PP Face and I are the same age, so her ass should know -- WE ARE TOO OLD FOR THIS BULLSH*T, HOMIE.
This whole thing looks and sounds exactly like something from a Real Housewife. She and Luann de Lesseps must have gone halfsies on an autotuner and she has current custody. P.S. When your autotune is still out-of-tune, hang up your bedazzled monokini, sister.
But you know who I'm really pissed at? Lil' Wayne. Sir, you should f*cking know better than to encourage this mess. Are there tough times in the Wayne abode? Are you being forced into extreme couponing situations? I would rather you pick up some extra shifts at a mall flat iron kiosk than work on a Paris Hilton song, pal. I expected more from you, Lil'.
I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed. Now, go to your damn room.
Yep, that Corey. He apparently has a new music video, called "Ascension Millennium," in which he looks to be reprising his role in The Lost Boys, because homeboy is looking undead lite. Keep eating those pancakes and maybe up your Flintstones Vitamins intake, boss, because you are looking a bit like a tepid glass of tap water. I feel concern in my cold, dead heart.
I am feeling those baby gloves, though. I just wish that Corey's music video made me get more of this kind of vibe from The Lost Boys.
Tell me you're not hypnotized by that oil field of a chest/Home Depot chain combo. It will be a damn lie.
Speaking of my old school people, Melissa Joan Hart, who I will always see as this literal hot mess in my mind:
Is coming out with a tell-all book entitled, Melissa Explains It All. (See what she did there?) This serious piece of literature is not, sadly, about how to make a ball gown from strawberry-flavored Fruit Roll Ups (I would totally read that sh*t), but about her "wild" lifestyle in the late 90's. According to Life & Style, Melissa said, “I experimented with weed, Ecstasy, mushrooms and mescaline for about a year and a half. " She also said that she made out with a girl in a limo, or something.
Boring. Holla back when you're ready to say that you made out with Salem the cat from Sabrina the Teenaged Witch. Or that you did bath salts with that dude that climbed through the Clarissa window, or something.
Step up your game, old people. You're making us look super non-scandalous.
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