Showing posts with label Makeup. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Makeup. Show all posts

Friday, December 20, 2013

Beauty For When You're Feeling Blue-y

There are two kinds of people that roam this planet of doom. Peeps that are all optimistic and sh*t, and when feeling low, go watch a Reese Witherspoon movie and just feel better about life. And then probably drink sweet tea on a sunny porch. If that describes your demeanor, this post is not for you. No, this is for the lite misery-wallowers. Those of us that, instead of reaching for a well-read copy of Chicken Soup for Your Mutha Effin' Soul, read this.

for the emo-souled only
I am in a decently-sized funk lately, you guys. This will not come as a surprise to people that know me on a personal level, because my moods typically range from Sophia from Golden Girls to Grumpy Cat with PMS. No one ever believes me when I tell them that my high school pottery teacher called me "Sunshine," because of current constant state of b*tch assness. WELL, IT'S TRUE, MOFOS. I've channeled all of nearing-middle-age angst into the beauty things that I truly appreciate most when my emo levels are breaking the emotionally-bankrupt bank.

What's the Matte-r, Baby?


I love matte nails, especially when they're dark. It's like your fingers are wearing tiny, clean chalkboards of darkness. That's a positive thing, in case you felt unsure. To achieve matte-to-death nails of whatever color, I like to use OPI's Matte Top Coat (Ulta, $9). You can use it over any ol' boring as Bran Flakes nail polish, and it gives you insta-edge of darkness. Like you might be a sexy undertaker.

Wined Out Lips


There's nothing better than a dramatic ass lip statement when you're feeling super dramatic in your brain. It evokes images of wine drinking (which I will be partaking in, well, always) and smoking a cigarette out of one of those long cigarette holder things (which I would only do in my imagination). The most theatric 'stick of the bunch is Urban Decay's Revolution Lipstick in Shame (Sephora, $22), which is a really deep berry color that gives you immediate street cred. It's moodiness in a tube.

A Thin (or Thick. or Smudged.) Black Line


I hate to break it to you, sister, but you only have two eye options during these dark and uncertain times: winged liquid liner or a smudged out lid. It's in the "I'm Moping Handbook." Not to be confused with the "I'm Mopping Handbook," which is effing boring and should be avoided at all costs. Smudgy-lined eyes and this MAKE UP FOR EVER Aqua Shadow Pencil (Sephora, $20) in matte taupe grey (4E) go together like Hot Topic and strategically ripped fishnet tights. It's not a liner, it's a chubby waterproof pencil, so it literally takes 3 seconds and .098% effort to apply. It's a match made in sadness heaven.

Okay, end of list. We can now commence with our sad and dramatic reclining on a tufted chaise lounges in rooms darkened by drawn velvet curtains of quasi-despair. With badass b*tch lipstick. But just in case you really are in need of lifted spirits, I gift you with this:


Don't you feel better after seeing KK's cry face? It's an sure fire cure to the Wintertime doldrums.


Every time Kim cries, an angel gets its wings. Happy Holidays.




Pin It

Monday, December 16, 2013

Commit Assault And Battery On Your Under-Eye Assailants

There are very few things that can kill your "I'm looking pretty damn fine" swagger quicker than under-eye issues. That is, except maybe these pants that I just witnessed Tiffani (Amber, I refuse to stop saying this) Thiessen wearing on Lifetime Movie Network.

 

Oh, 1995 fashions, what a cruel mistress you were. Almost as hated as the bags, puffiness, dark circles, and a myriad of other drama-starters that were the original focus of this blog. There is not a perfect fix for any of these rude ass situations, unfortunately, but we can greatly improve upon them. Thank you, Yeezus. (He'll just take credit anyway.)

Get Your Natural Remedies On


I LIVE for a great DIY solution to beauty problems. Well, that and wine. And bacon. Luckily, there are a couple of boss b at-home remedies for under-eye circle/bag/puffiness that rivals the Stay Puft dude from Ghostbusters. The first one involves tea bags. Of the tea variety, only. I promised myself that I wouldn't make any kind of inappropriate anatomy joke with this, so shut your yam holes.

After you've brewed yourself a cup of delicious tea something, preferably a concoction with caffeine, like black or green, put the bags in the fridge to cool. You want caffeinated goodness because it helps to reduce puffiness and swelling. As in buh-bye baginess. The coldness from refrigeration also helps with this dreadful bag situation. Now all that remains to be done is to lie back with the bags on your eyes for ten minutes or so. HOLY TRASH BOX, THAT WAS SO HARD TO KEEP IT TOGETHER AND BE AN ACTUAL ADULT. So many dirty opportunities wasted. I hope you're happy, mom.

Fresh out of tea bags? (Not a word!) Cucumber slices are also a great option to de-puff. Same deal applies -- cold cucumber slices, putting them on your peepers for ten minutes. Your swollen soul-windows are on their way to being history.

Carrying a Conceal(er)ed Weapon


I'm pretty sure that a great concealer could be the eighth Wonder of the World, and I've been using this Koh Gen Do Liquid Treatment Concealer (Sephora, $48) on the daily from the moment they sent it to me. It's not super heavy, but it's moisturizing as a mofo. It also has great stuff like brightening properties and jojoba and shea butter. My photography skills are as lame as they get, so please ignore them, but this stuff is the new Supreme of my concealer coven.

No matter your concealer choice, the best way to blend away your under-eye shadows is with a firm (but also lenient) ring finger application. Pat the concealer on the area from the inner corner of your eye, while blending out and down toward your cheekbone. If you have really, really dark circles, use a concealer with a more yellow tone -- it cuts those hard-to-hide blue-ish hues more.

The (Eye) Cream Machine

Ugh, eye area, why must you be so delicate and crows' feet prone? And why do I have to be so into expensive sh*t? My favorite eye serum is Obagi's ELASTIderm Eye Complete Complex Serum (Skinstore, $93.60), because it doesn't make me breakout, and it's moisturizing without being heavy. But, it costs roughly three arms and seven legs, so I can only get this stuff on very rare occasions. 

A close second for me is Glytone Anti-Aging Eye Cream (Amazon, $29.83), which is more affordable and still has all those cat's pajama-esque ingredients like caffeine (remember that?) and vitamins, or whatever. Whatever you end up using, just use something. It'll keep your crinkly eye issues at bay for longer, so don't skip that mess.


This eye care stuff is serious business. Tread lightly.




Pin It

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Fun Times With The New Eddie Funkhouser Cosmetics Line. (See What I Did There?)

I really could write an entire post here about my high levels of jealousy that my last name isn't Funkhouser, but I'll save (most of) my neuroses for every other effing thing that I write. Eddie Funkhouser, who is badass/rocker-chic makeup artist dude, just came out with a new line of cosmetics. So, of course, I really wanted to try all that new new, and the nice EF peeps sent me some stuff to sample. Why anyone on this Earth indulges in my pleas and annoyances, I don't really know.


I first tried the Girls on Film Palette ($14.99), which is made up of non-blahsville colors like pink(ish) tones, blue and silver. They all blend pretty damn nicely, and are a welcome change from the neutral tones that I am always shoveling all over my eyeball lids.


Speaking of neutrals, OF COURSE I had to try the Utlimate Smoky Eye Palette ($14.99), too, because I'm a brat that just told you how much I love neutrals. Thanks for ignoring me. I really love this little angel of a compact, and I completely enjoy that a base/highlight eyeshadow shade is included, because it indulges my lazy lifestyle. I'm bout it, bout it when it comes to that easy life.


Speaking of neutrals (part deux), I also have a total lady boner when it comes to nude-y girl lip colors. For lipstick, I went for the Hyperreal Nourishing Lip Color in Innuendo ($11.99). It has an uber creamy (sorry, I'm disgusting myself with that word, but it's accurate) texture, and has the slightest pink touch to nude, to make sure you don't look like an undead person. It's pretty, pretty without being too princess-y.

The nude n' lovely gloss is the Hyperreal Hydrating Lip Gloss in Unapologetic ($10.99), and this beast has earned a permanent place in my purse. (It's a modern day tongue twister!) I'm a sucker ass sucker for a pink/nude gloss sans glittery goop, and this stuff is pretty killer.

via realitytvgifs
The best part of this line? It's affordable! So I can totally be a sucker for all this badassery, without having to actually sucker...never mind. Check out all of the Eddie Funkhouser fun for yourself here.




Pin It

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

The Best Beauty Unicorns You Could Possibly Buy For Under $13

Thirteen is a random ass number to choose, I'm super aware. I wanted to try to keep this sh*t under $10, but there are some products that I really wanted to include, and they were a teensy bit over the ten spot mark. Get off my jock; I do what I want.

The Best Products to Get Those Peepers Poppin' Off Like Champagne Bottles.


You guys will have non mf-ing factor levels of surprise when I tell you that Maybelline Expert Eyes Twin Brow & Eye Pencils in Blonde (drugstore.com, $2.99 for two pack) is my number one pick. I literally talk about these things all the time. People are like, "Hey Sex, what time is it?" And I'm all, "You really should try these Maybelline brow pencils, then your brows will always be on time." ZING! (With bonus points for a light Ashanti/Ja Rule reference.)


I recommend blonde to every-damn-body, regardless of hair color, then darkening up with eyeshadow or brow powder if necessary. The only exception are m'ladies with darker skin tones. Opt for one of the slightly darker pencils in that case.

Runner Up: I am creeper-levels into the new L'Oreal Paris Voluminous Butterfly Mascara (Target, $7.99). It's like my old school homegirl L'Oreal Voluminous on 'roids. Try it. It's the sauciest minx.

Bonus Bonus: Jesus take the wheel, I can't stop telling you about eye stuffs. I have to mention the SEPHORA COLLECTION Waterproof Smoky Cream Liner (Sephora, $12), or I would be the queen of the b-words and a total liar face. This is the PERFECT formula for that annoying ass waterline lining, and the price is right, beyotch.

Skin as Smooth as Silk in This Mean Mug.
 

There are few things that I love more than a sumptuous ass body oil that doesn't smell like an infant, and SheaMoisture Argan Oil & Raw Shea Bath, Body & Massage Oil (Target, $10.29) beyond fits the bill. It's really, really moisturizing and smells like a freshly-bathed hippie.


That's one of the positives of this stuff, just in case it was unclear.

Runner Up: If I need even MORE moisture on my skin organ (bleh), I always use Palmer's Cocoa Butter (CVS, $6.29). ALWAYS. It's like butter in a bottle that smells vaguely chocolatey. Like you've been frolicking along the Willy Wonka chocolate river, and somehow your skin has been replaced by the velvet from Violet's dress.

The BEST Bad B Nail Polish.


If you are ever feeling slightly blah-like, Floss Gloss in Stun (Floss Gloss, $8) on your finger guns is the cure. It's like a disco ball got it on with the yellow brick road. There is not a better glitter polish in this galaxy. Trust.

Runner Up: Whenever I'm feeling like Lil' Kim circa 1997 and I need my fingernails to match my mood, I get all up on Wicked from Essie (Essie, $8.50). It's a really deep and dark burgundy that gives zero effs about anything. For badasses only.

Give Yourself a Clean Slate.


Just in case you didn't get the latest newsletter from Lazies News of The World, I'm crazy lazy. Because of this character weakness, I really love to use Koh Gen Do Cleansing Spa Water (Sephora, $13) to clean up the mess that is my day's makeup after it's curtains on the day. This stuff is insanely gentle on your skin and causes exactly 0.0000 irritation. It's for the times I can't really be held responsible for actually washing my face like an actual adult.


Runner Up: When it comes to cleansing face wipes, I'm really about that Burt's Bees Facial Cleansing Towelettes with White Tea Extract (Drugstore.com, $4.49) life. They get the job done while being gentle as baby cherub wing kisses.

Getting a Whole Lotta Lip Service.


If bold and beautiful lips are your goal in life, then CoverGirl Lip Perfection Lipstick in Spellbound (Drugstore.com, $7.49) needs to get in your makeup bag, STAT. It's the kind of lip color that people will stop you mid-brunched out mimosa sip and ask you where the hell you got that lipstick.

Runner Up: Looking for the lip equivalent of a hot pair of nude heels? Then you really need to get on the L'Oreal Colour Riche in Sheer Linen (Target, $7.99) bandwagon. (Surely, one exists.) It's moisturizing as eff, while giving you that whole "your lips, but better" deal.

Now go enjoy getting your beauty on for the cheapness, and save that change in your pocket for more wine times.





Pin It

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

You Guys, Can We Talk About Urban Decay's NAKED 3 Palette For A Hot Minute?

via urban decay
After several days of annoying speculation over UD's NAKED 3 palette, the Urbs finally released an official pic on their website, and we AT LAST get to rest our grubby ass little eyes on the actual shadows that will make up this beast. What are your gut feels over this news?

 

I get so mixed emotional (baby) over these things. Here's my deal on the NAKED palettes -- I always dig the colors, but I feel like I have a few of the shadows already, from the previous palettes. Plus, GIMME, GIMME MORE matte colors in that beyotch, UD.


On the positive tip, I'm really into the rosy-hued theme that's poppin' in the N3. I happen to really like pinkish shadows, so I think I'm probably totally into it. (Maybe I LIKE reppin' eye infections, what?) Please, who am I kidding? The day that this sh*t pops off, you know I will be bout it, bout it and losing my mind, scouring the interwebs trying to get myself a piece of that ass.


If you also think you might be super into this palette, you can keep up with all the haps on NAKED 3, and be one of the first to TRY and get that sh*t by signing up here for Urban Decay's email list. Don't worry, unlike me, they won't hassle your ass too often.

What to you guys think? What level of excited-ness are you about the N3? Rate yourself from annual lady parts doctor's appointment, to unicorn ride while eating birthday cake from Marky Mark's open palm, in the comments below.




Pin It

Friday, October 11, 2013

How To Look Like A Hot B*tch In Pictures

I don't give an eff if you're taking a selfie (bleh with that word, I'm sorry) or going to be on the cover of Homegirl Weekly, there are some basic rules to keep from looking like a basic b*tch.


Get your skin tone in check. I told you guys a couple weeks ago that one the number one killers to a sexy ass picture is having your face color be "off." There are a few culprits here: sunscreen, translucent powders, and foundation that doesn't match your face.


You may have seen this picture of Miley floating around the interwebs this week, with people thinking that she licked off her makeup with her rogue tongue, but I'm of the camp thinking it's more a translucent powder tragedy. (P.S. Is there a baby safety pin involved above?) Translucent powders often have an ingredient that makes lights (like a flash) reflect back and create a white look. Not f*cking cute.

If you are getting whatever deal photo taken, skip the powder finish and use another finishing option like the Mally Beauty Poreless Face Defender. You'll keep your makeup on your face without having at least this one of Miley's issues.

Figure out your best side. Have you ever noticed how famous b*tches always seem to take photographs from the same angle over and over? That's because those homies know which side is their "hot side."

this is how i'll be on the cover of vogue next month
The easiest way to find your good side is to grab a sheet of printer/letter/prison love note paper and hold it up, covering half of your face, while looking in the mirror. Then move it over to the other side, and check that sh*t. Your good side is the one that looks more lifted and symmetrical. That's the side that you should angle toward the camera, and also the side on which you should part your mop.

Don't skimp on eyeliner and blush, even if you don't usually wear it. NOTHING washes out your damn face more than a camera flash. It's like washing your face with bleach.


To combat that dumb effery, be heavier handed with your makeup application than you typically would, especially with eyeliner and blush or bronzer. Apply the amount you would like to appear to be wearing, then PUT SOME MORE ON. If you don't typically wear that stuff, put it on honey bun, or risk looking like this.


Except sleepier, and with less emphasis on the eyes. Now get to work, b*tch.










  Pin It

Friday, October 4, 2013

How To Be A Trash Bag Like Me In 5 Easy Steps (Actually Featuring Some Badass Products)

Have you b's heard the good word? I'm kind of trashy.

actual comment about me to prove said trash bag-ness
 But you know what? Being trashy is a fun way to live life IN THIS MOTHER, so suck it, world. And just in case you feel like getting on some next level non-classy sh*t, here's how you can get like me (at least this week).

#1 Drink Cheap(ish) Wine.

jam jar sweet shiraz, $9.99 at whole foods, but check yo' ish
You guys, I love this wine more than most things that currently exist on this earth. I originally picked it up from Whole Foods just because the bottle is super adorable and actually jam jar-looking, PLUS IT HAS A SCREW TOP, which lends itself to my lazy and drink-y lifestyle. Freakin' major points on that sh*t.

Once I actually consumed this affordable nectar of the Gods, I was all in. It's kind of sweet, but not in a over-the-top way.


Try it. It's like $10-$12 most places, so re-gift it (to me) if you hate it (I hate you if you do), and you aren't out a bajillion bucks, man.

#2 Hermit Yourself Up In Your House And Watch A Show Featuring Badasses, Until You Think You're A Badass.

http://cdn.fansided.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/277/files/2013/09/sons-of-anarchy.jpg
featuring lots of hot backs and other parts
I've barely tended to basic ass hygiene this week (even more so than the usual), and I blame it all on Sons of Anarchy. I'm been binge watching the ish out of this show, and I show no signs of slowing.

my favorite dudes of SOA, opie & tig
One of the reasons for my can't stop, won't stop SOA viewing is for the dudes. I'm doing it all for the pseudo nookie, I guess. I know that most homegirls' lady flower tizzies are for the main guy Charlie Hunnam, and don't get me wrong, he's hot. BUT, I'm way more into the secondary hot mens like Ryan Hurst (Opie) and Kim Coates (Tig). What can I say? You guys know I'm into the "off the beaten path" when it comes to man crush feelings.

P.S. If you are a dumb dumb head like me and haven't yet watched this show, get on that sh*t, you silly mofo.

P.P.S. If you're current on episodes, DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT THE EFF IS UP WITH THESE TWO. (Although I've gotten a hint of Opie spoilers, and I am not happy.)

#3 Buy And Wear Clothes Inspired By (Male) Characters Of Said Show.

flannel and beanie, target, boots, nordstrom
See above, and you can see why I'm currently dressing like a grungy motorcycle dude. My obsessions run deep. I got these Steve Madden "Leader" boots from Nordstrom during their big ass sale deal (not the actual name of the sale) a couple of months ago, and I wear the sh*t out of them -- pretty much on the daily. The flannel and beanie can be copped from Target on the cheap, although I couldn't find them online.

denim vest, h&m, faux leather vest, f21
And every lady-type biker man needs some vests, obviously. The acid wash denim is from H&M a few months ago (similar one here), and the studded fake leather deal is from Forever 21. Thankfully, my ass is clipped to the brim with weave, or I would be constantly mistaken for a boy.

#4 Same Damn Makeup, Different Damn Day.

marc jacobs eyes, urban decay lip
I've been in a major makeup rut lately, and have pretty much been switching up my beauty looks 0% of the time. But I really give zero effs, because I'm totally into it. I've been all about a baby liquid liner cat eye paired with a bold lip, usually the MAC RuPaul Viva Glam goodness I told you about the other day, or this Urban Decay Revolution Lipstick in Shame that I recently bought.

urban decay in shame, $22
It photographed weirdly light, but it's super sumptuous and creamy as f*ck, as well as deep and gorgeous. (That sounded really romance novel-y, but I didn't even say throbbing.) I've also been using the new Marc Jacobs eye palette and liner that I bought at the same time, but I'll talk about that another day. I don't give it up all at once. I'm a damn lady.

#5 Watch Britney's New Music Video On Repeat.



The first time that I heard Brit Brit's new song, I left super "meeeh" about it. But, of course, that sh*t completely grew on me and once I peeped that video scene, I was totally into it. I can't help it, when Britney does that dumb Madonna-esque fake British accent, I lose my ish. Viva la Britney, b*tch. Gimme, gimme more.


Okay, okay, I'm done. What trashy ass tendencies do you guys have? I know you're out there, don't leave a b hanging.








Pin It

Monday, September 30, 2013

RuPaul Just Rocked My Damn World With MAC's Viva Glam (The Original) Lipstick.

I really went to MAC the other day to just check out what the what was with that RiRi collection, and maybe to see what those Retro Matte 'sticks were all about. But when my ass was in there, one of the MAC girls told me about RuPaul's OG Viva Glam being back, and how IT WAS A MATTE BURGUNDY RED, and my ass was sold faster than fried pickles (to me). Even though I ALREADY have an effing red lip that I love. I'm such a dumb dumb sucker...for every damn thing.

mac viva glam, $15
But on the real, TELL ME THAT F*CKING COLOR ISN'T GORGEOUS. YOU'D BE A LIE.

via pandoraboxx
Oh, but that's not even all the good good, baby bubba

 

This sh*t lasts a crazy long time. Like, almost as long as the terrible one-ply toilet paper I bought at a convenience store three weeks ago. (Why won't it end? WHY?) My lips lasted through an entire shift at work, even through eating and drinking (I do a lot of that mess), with very little fading.

my typical work day, IN MY DREAMS.
PLUS, it's not drying, and doesn't get weird and pill-y like pretty much all the for real long wear lipsticks. It's pretty much perfection in a stick.


Thanks, Ru.



Pin It

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Tales from the Beauty Crypt: The Worst Things I've Ever Done to Myself, and How to Fix These Disasters

Being a semi-old person has its perks, you guys. I've seen some sh*t, done some sh*t, and learned some sh*t.

via mylifethroughkristenwiig
After literally doing some disgusting and horrific things to myself in the name of beauty, I've wised the eff up and I am bringing those lessons to you. Please, learn the errors of my ways, then make fun of my bullsh*t.

Ghost-Faced Killah
how NOT to have an even skin tone
I've only gotten my makeup done twice in my life. The first time was my Junior year Homecoming dance (my dress was a satin/velvet/ballgown-style hideous disaster as seen above), and when we got the pictures back, like you had to do in the olden days of yore, the bottom half of my face was completely white. The makeup artist had used some kind of powder that reflected light and made me look half like a member of Insane Clown Posse in photographs.


The lesson? Photograph yourself in makeup before your pictures, when it comes to big events in your life, to make sure your face is of a humanoid skin tone. You can also check your makeup in whatever light source (outside, fluorescent, starry nights, I don't know your life) you will be in, to make sure it's on the up and up and you don't look crazy as eff.

Whatever Hair, Don't Care
chokers 4 eva
Let me set the semi-awful scene for you for my terrible hair story: It was the late 90's, and sh*t was tacky as hell. I worked in the mall, so I also got my highlights done at said mall. Then I decided to flip the script on my sh*t and told my mall hair stylist to "do whatever she/he (to protect the guilty) wanted to my hair." The above picture is a grown out version of what I got, which was a short, flippy, 40ish woman's haircut. I was about to start my senior year of high school. F*ck. Needless to say, my senior pictures were so bad that I can't even find any to show your asses, and I spent my senior year with a hair full of bobby pins and a baby ponytail, while desperately trying to grow that sh*t out.

Here's the real real on that story -- even if you don't know exactly what you want to do to your hair, there are exactly 34,984,093,489 things that you can do with haircuts and such, so always at least know WHAT YOU DON'T WANT. Save pictures on your phone, rip sh*t out of Cat Fancy; I don't care, just have some ideas when you go in. Talk to your hair stylist about what you like, and don't like, so you don't end up looking mildly OG Kate Gosselin-esque.

Talons of the Acrylic Variety
how did i put effin' contacts into my eyeballs?
Let's be honest, acrylic nails are pretty much a billboard for how to not have an A-1 beauty day. Sadly, I had long ass (and occasionally short ass) acrylic nails on and off for a billion years of my life. And because I'm cheap and poor, I usually went to relatively low-end nail salons. These were the places that use straight up drills with nail files attached on your natural nail. CLEARLY, THAT SHIT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR NAILS.


I probably shouldn't have to say this, but don't let a b use a drill on your damn nails, like, ever. It will thin your nails, and really, really damage that sh*t. Plus, nails are pretty much the one area that I believe that natural is the way to go.

Am I alone in my terrible foolery of beauty past? Please tell me you guys have done hoodrat sh*t, too.


Don't leave a b hanging, tell me all about it in the comments.





  Pin It

storystack

Google