How To Be A Trash Bag Like Me In 5 Easy Steps (Actually Featuring Some Badass Products)

Have you b's heard the good word? I'm kind of trashy.

actual comment about me to prove said trash bag-ness

 But you know what? Being trashy is a fun way to live life IN THIS MOTHER, so suck it, world. And just in case you feel like getting on some next level non-classy sh*t, here's how you can get like me (at least this week).

#1 Drink Cheap(ish) Wine.

jam jar sweet shiraz, $9.99 at whole foods, but check yo' ish

You guys, I love this wine more than most things that currently exist on this earth. I originally picked it up from Whole Foods just because the bottle is super adorable and actually jam jar-looking, PLUS IT HAS A SCREW TOP, which lends itself to my lazy and drink-y lifestyle. Freakin' major points on that sh*t.

Once I actually consumed this affordable nectar of the Gods, I was all in. It's kind of sweet, but not in a over-the-top way.

Try it. It's like $10-$12 most places, so re-gift it (to me) if you hate it (I hate you if you do), and you aren't out a bajillion bucks, man.

#2 Hermit Yourself Up In Your House And Watch A Show Featuring Badasses, Until You Think You're A Badass.

featuring lots of hot backs and other parts

I've barely tended to basic ass hygiene this week (even more so than the usual), and I blame it all on Sons of Anarchy. I'm been binge watching the ish out of this show, and I show no signs of slowing.

my favorite dudes of SOA, opie & tig

One of the reasons for my can't stop, won't stop SOA viewing is for the dudes. I'm doing it all for the pseudo nookie, I guess. I know that most homegirls' lady flower tizzies are for the main guy Charlie Hunnam, and don't get me wrong, he's hot. BUT, I'm way more into the secondary hot mens like Ryan Hurst (Opie) and Kim Coates (Tig). What can I say? You guys know I'm into the "off the beaten path" when it comes to man crush feelings.

P.S. If you are a dumb dumb head like me and haven't yet watched this show, get on that sh*t, you silly mofo.

P.P.S. If you're current on episodes, DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT THE EFF IS UP WITH THESE TWO. (Although I've gotten a hint of Opie spoilers, and I am not happy.)

#3 Buy And Wear Clothes Inspired By (Male) Characters Of Said Show.

flannel and beanie, target, boots, nordstrom

See above, and you can see why I'm currently dressing like a grungy motorcycle dude. My obsessions run deep. I got these Steve Madden "Leader" boots from Nordstrom during their big ass sale deal (not the actual name of the sale) a couple of months ago, and I wear the sh*t out of them -- pretty much on the daily. The flannel and beanie can be copped from Target on the cheap, although I couldn't find them online.

denim vest, h&m, faux leather vest, f21

And every lady-type biker man needs some vests, obviously. The acid wash denim is from H&M a few months ago (similar one here), and the studded fake leather deal is from Forever 21. Thankfully, my ass is clipped to the brim with weave, or I would be constantly mistaken for a boy.

#4 Same Damn Makeup, Different Damn Day.

marc jacobs eyes, urban decay lip

I've been in a major makeup rut lately, and have pretty much been switching up my beauty looks 0% of the time. But I really give zero effs, because I'm totally into it. I've been all about a baby liquid liner cat eye paired with a bold lip, usually the MAC RuPaul Viva Glam goodness I told you about the other day, or this Urban Decay Revolution Lipstick in Shame that I recently bought.

urban decay in shame, $22

It photographed weirdly light, but it's super sumptuous and creamy as f*ck, as well as deep and gorgeous. (That sounded really romance novel-y, but I didn't even say throbbing.) I've also been using the new Marc Jacobs eye palette and liner that I bought at the same time, but I'll talk about that another day. I don't give it up all at once. I'm a damn lady.

#5 Watch Britney's New Music Video On Repeat.



The first time that I heard Brit Brit's new song, I left super "meeeh" about it. But, of course, that sh*t completely grew on me and once I peeped that video scene, I was totally into it. I can't help it, when Britney does that dumb Madonna-esque fake British accent, I lose my ish. Viva la Britney, b*tch. Gimme, gimme more.

Okay, okay, I'm done. What trashy ass tendencies do you guys have? I know you're out there, don't leave a b hanging.








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RuPaul Just Rocked My Damn World With MAC's Viva Glam (The Original) Lipstick.

I really went to MAC the other day to just check out what the what was with that RiRi collection, and maybe to see what those Retro Matte 'sticks were all about. But when my ass was in there, one of the MAC girls told me about RuPaul's OG Viva Glam being back, and how IT WAS A MATTE BURGUNDY RED, and my ass was sold faster than fried pickles (to me). Even though I ALREADY have an effing red lip that I love. I'm such a dumb dumb sucker...for every damn thing.

mac viva glam, $15

But on the real, TELL ME THAT F*CKING COLOR ISN'T GORGEOUS. YOU'D BE A LIE.

via pandoraboxx

Oh, but that's not even all the good good, baby bubba. 

 

This sh*t lasts a crazy long time. Like, almost as long as the terrible one-ply toilet paper I bought at a convenience store three weeks ago. (Why won't it end? WHY?) My lips lasted through an entire shift at work, even through eating and drinking (I do a lot of that mess), with very little fading.

my typical work day, IN MY DREAMS.

PLUS, it's not drying, and doesn't get weird and pill-y like pretty much all the for real long wear lipsticks. It's pretty much perfection in a stick.

Thanks, Ru.



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MacGyver Makeup Creations -- The Deep Wine Lip

As evidenced by this tweet, I've been semi-obesessing over wine lips as of late. Listen, this lip is not for people that like to pussyfoot around (or even dick around) with the bold lip thing. It's really only for those that are downright bout it, bout it.

I've been searching for a perfect wine lip product, so if you've got a line on one, let my ass know. I don't really want one Gaga dark, but definitely bold as f*ck. But in the meantime, I decided to play around with the million lip things that I already have to find something to tide my impatient ass over.

I started by lining my lips with a nude-ish liner, and then applied MAC Pro Longwear Lipcreme in Approaching Storm with a lip brush, because that sh*t is darker than my effing soul if you apply it directly.

I topped it off with Styli-Style Lip Paint in Tres Chic. End of story, maybe I pussyfooted around the lipstick portion of this deal too much, because I really wish I ended up with a darker result. And I'll keep searching for a badass b*tch of a deep wine lipstick/gloss/whatever the eff. But for now, I've MacGyver-ed some ish that I can live with. Result level -- pretty, pretty, pretty...okay.

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Low Maintenance Chicks Rejoice: The Entire Universe's Best Lip Balms

I told you guys a while back about my crack-like addiction to lip balms, and my new favorite one from me & the girls. So I decided to compile a list of my all time favorite lip jams, because these sh*ts are the good good AND the cheap cheap, and you can't beat that mf-ing combo.

My first pick is my b*tch because it gives a touch o' color to your lippies.

Burt's Bees Replenishing Lip Balm with Pomegranate Oil, $3

I like a lot of Burt's Bees products, but this is one of my top b's. It provides just a pinch of pink to your lips, and is nice and moisturizing. Win-sies!

Evolution of Smooth Smooth Sphere Lip Balm in Honeysuckle Honeydew, $3.29

 This little boo berry is one of my faves based mostly on smell/taste. But I also love the weird case deal and it feels like a dream on your lips.

The Fresh Market 100% All Natural Lip Balm in Peppermint, $???

This last one is kind of a tricky (tricky, tricky, tricky) situation. I bought this at Fresh Market on a whim one night, and I f*cking fell in love with this shit. It's minty, which I love, and feels pretty much the best out of any lip balm deal out there.

But, here's the bad part -- I can't find any trace of it online. I'm guessing you can only buy it at the actual Fresh Market grocery stores, and they aren't exactly on every corner. So, what I'm saying is, I'm kind of a huge b*tch for even telling you about this, because it might not be easily obtainable.

Hmmm. Sorry 'bout that.

Tell me things. Do you guys have some lip chap you love to pieces?

 

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I Report, You Decide: Did Skinn's Lip 6X Gloss Plump Up My Jams?

Lemme be real with my b*tches for a second -- sometimes being a beauty blogger can be hard, man. There are times when I have a product, and I'm into it, but I'm just not 150,000,000% sure (Maury style) that it does what it says. So, today I bring the goods to you, and let your magical, rainbow-filled, wizard brains decide.

Skinn Lip 6X Gloss Amplifying Lip Gloss, $18.50

Skinn Cosmetics sent me their 6X Amplifying Lip Gloss forever ago, but I lost it, like a dumb dumb doo doo head. After I found it wedged somewhere in my car, I tried it several times and really liked it a lot. It is really, really moisturizing, and lasts FOR-effin'-EVA on my lips. I even had a friend want to steal it from my ass after she tried it, and loved the ish out of it.

But here's the sticky sitch, and why I haven't brought it to your asses, yet. As much as I love this stuff as a lip gloss, I don't know if I feel like it actually plumps my lips. It's not the BURNING plumping gloss, like those bad b's of yesteryear. So maybe that's my problem. But like a real, live, scientist, I took pictures of my lips to see if their was any plumpness happenin' after I applied the gloss. I totally followed the scientific method 100% 0%. Here are the results:

I don't know what to think, you guys. I feel like they are kind of plumped, non? I don't know.

Sh*t, I'm the worst. So, then, this.

I'll leave it to you guys. More plumped lippies? Not at all? What are the balls of your eyes and brain waves telling you? Sound off below, and check it out for yourself for your own damn experiments here.




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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, I delve into ways to Graduate Your Beauty Look. Go check it out and stop boring the sh*t out of yourself when you look in the mirror.



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Ballsy on a Budget -- Pop on the Mouth (OF COLOR)

I'm writing this in the dark, with a waning energy source, a full-on sh*tty wifi hotspot, and two insane chihuahua hovering over me because the power is out. Someone send the Geek Squad or Ghostbusters or some ish, cause I am not in the mood. Make sure they have a bottle of wine.

make up for ever aqua rouge in 16 fuchsia, $24 at sephora

Today we're getting ballsy with a bright lip, because nothing screams, "I have zero effs to give about what your ass thinks," like bold lipstick. Plus, it's easy, and you look like a badass with little effort. MUFE sent me this bright, bold, pink to try, and I fell in love real, real quick. It's the Aqua Rouge formula, so it's one of those long wear deals.

sephora, $24

I wore it to lunch today, and it only started coming off when I ate something oily. (Gross, but whatever. It happens.) Say you are going out for little sip of the sauce, or something, this sh*t will stay the eff on like white on rice. (Which is a super annoying saying, because what in the hell does that mean, anyway?) And to remove it, I just use vaseline, or whatever, and wipe it off. No biggie. (RIP, Biggie.)

But listen, I know that this stuff isn't insanely cheap, although I think it's totally worth it, so I also have a drugstore pick for your asses. I picked this stuff up last year at the ol' Mart of the Wal's, and the color is really cool. 

cover girl lip perfection lipstick in spellbound, $5.59 at drugstore.com

You guys are lucky that I love your asses, because I had to go searching for this mess with a gifted Bath and Body Works mini candle on its last legs. I was wandering the damn apartment like I was on mf-ing Sleepy Hollow, or some sh*t. It wasn't not cute.

And there you have your luxe (and cheap) ballsy b's. Now my power time is pretty much up, and I am off to find ways to entertain myself that don't involve electricity, or Lifetime Movie Network.

via yourewelcomeforbeingmyfriend

BOOOORRRRING. I feel so old-timey.

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Adding Crack-y Fuel to My Crazy Addiction: Lip Chap Edition

This is usually how I feel in life, and there are deep roots to this issue --

NO, I don't have a drug addiction issue, I have a LIP PRODUCT ISSUE. See, I took Accutane for acne when I was 15 or 16, and it caused my lips to be so mother effing dry that they cracked and peeled all around my mouth. It was a sexy, sexy time, and I had to keep some kind of lip sh*t on my person at all times. So ever since then, I've been all...

YES, IT'S A FLAVOR OF LOVE 2 REFERENCE. GET ON BOARD.

To say that I've tried a trabajillion kinds of chapsticks, treatments, blams, blahhhhhs is (hardly) an exaggeration. And I have now added some beast level sh*t to my arsenal.

me & the girls mentha revive lip moisturizer lipstick topper and base, $7

Meet the Mentha Revive Lip Moisturizer Lipstick Topper and Base from me & the girls -- This. B*tch. I am in love with this w. With full disclosure, I haven't used it as a base or topper for lipstick, because I can't even make it there. I just want solo time with this stuff. It's like a hybrid Kenny G/Michael Bolton of mullets in the lip balm world; all smoothness, with business in the front and party in the back.

yeah, boo. it's that smooth.

Plus, it's good for your ass (not your ASS ass) and vegan. Check out more deets and get your own here, because I'm not sharing this lip chap with you b's. MY LIPS FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE BUTTER ON THEM, AND BUTTER IS DAMN DELICIOUS.

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This Gloss is the Sauce. (Gloss on Gloss on Gloss.)

elizabeth arden beautiful color luminous lip gloss, $18 each

I'm a friggin' loose lady when it comes to lip gloss. I love that ish. It's sexy, and makes your lips feel real, real noooiiice. So when I was sent Elizabeth Arden's Beautiful Color Luminous Lip Gloss in Rose Creme, Cameo, and Coral Kiss to try, I was excited. I don't recall ever trying an Elizabeth Arden gloss before, but after trying these three, I'll let them holla at your girl whenever they want.

 Here's the deets from EA:

"Beautiful Color fuses with care. Multidimensional, moisture rich formula provides lips with long-wearing, vibrant color and brilliant shine. Infused with mango and shea butters to condition and help lock in moisture, and Maxi-Lip™ to plump the appearance of lips. Packaged conveniently with built-in mirror for on-the-go application."

These are moisturizing glosses, and supa dupa fly shiny. AND THEY HAVE A MIRROR ON THE PACKAGING, which is a boss addition to any lip gloss tube. Plus, they smell like vanilla freaking cookie. Like your grandma would make. Hot. So what I'm saying is --

Take it all, and give me ALL THE GLOSSES, MAN. Check out all the colors available here.





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Beauty Sh*t That Reminds Me of My Favorite Lovah, Wine.

Wine is the ish, you guys. And so beauty mess that reminds me of my ride-or-die b, wine, is the ish, by proxy. Doy. And now that I have your attention (WINE) and I'm drinking (WINE), let's get this party started. But not with P!nk. I'm not that drunk. (Yet.)

My favorite wine-inspo category is probably the nail variety. Wine nails are effin' hot, y'allz. They're vampy and sexy, and make my ass feel glamorous, which is kind of a hard thing to do. I'm trash.

essie in recessionista (target, $7.79) & revlon top speed in forbidden (drugstore.com, $3)

I've already told you homies about the deal with Essie's Recessionista, but it's worth repeating. To me, it's a true wine color. It's not as dark as some wine-y polishes, and it's super classy -- if that's your bag o' tricks. I'm you are a tad darker, and maybe a cheap ass --



then Revlon's Top Speed in Forbidden might be for you. It's goth, hot, and dries fast. (Three things I look for in a dude...NO!) Plus, it's $3 right now on drugstore.com, so go snatch that ish, crazy brains.

elizabeth arden beautiful color radiance blush in plum perfection, $26

The Elizabeth Arden peeps sent over some of their new blush colors for me to try, and I'm super into this one. It's called Plum Perfection, so it's not REALLY wine, but I'm sure you can get plum wine...somewhere. This blush has the tiniest hint of glimmer, and it's very subtle, so you can use it and not feel like you belong in the Insane Clown Posse. (If ICP were really into wearing heavy blush, or something.) But the color is really cool and different, so I'm into it. Just keep it to the apples of your cheeks to keep from looking like you were somehow squeezed into an 80's time capsule.

tarte lipsurgence matte lip tint in envy, $24

I got this tarte LipSurgence somewhere, at some point in time (I can't be held to remembering actual THINGS), and I live for this sh*t. I really love tarte lip products because they are minty and fabulous. And I REALLY love this stuff because it's what Kat Dennings wears on 2 Broke Girls, and I want to borderline Single White Female that b. It lasts a long time, and you can also apply and blot if you want a more demure, stain-y look. (But who the eff does?!?)

Okay, that's it, mofos. I'm all wined out. (NEVAAAAR!)

 Pssshhh. No sh*t.




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Hurry! There's Still Time for You to Look Like You (A-hemed) a Leprechaun. (In a Totally Cool Way.)

Happy St. Patty's Day weekend, mofos. Before you get all crunk ass and green-ed out, I suggest one more item to up your game.

violent lips "the shamrock", $7.99 for a pack of two

These are The Shamrock Violent Lips, and they are ridiculously fun and easy to apply. It's just like a temporary tattoo for your lips. It doesn't even feel weird -- kind of like the long wear lipsticks that have been around forever. I only wore them for 30 minutes or so, because I'm a hermit and I'm not doing anything tonight, but I could tell that these puppies would last a long ass time. The package says four to eight hours, and I totally believe it. To remove, you just put a little baby oil (or I used coconut oil) on your lips for a minute or so, and then rub it off with a paper towel, or a textured cotton pad.




To find out where you can find these bad boys locally, check here. Or, if you don't give and eff about St. Patrick's Day (How rude!) you can see all of the other Violent Lip options here. Now go have fun tonight, b's. And don't consume everything green in sight.

via mrhankey

Or, you know, do.



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It's a Cheap Nudie Show! (For Lips, You Pervs.)

I feel like if you are a makeup kind of gal (gross, I hate that word), or even if you really aren't, you spend 67% of your beauty product browsing life looking for a badass nude/pinky lipstick that looks like your lips, but a touch sexier. And then when you happen to find one that's friggin' boss as hell, you cross your pinkie toes hoping that sh*t doesn't cost one billion dollars because it's made from diamonds derived from unicorn tears. And let me sidebar for a hot ass minute, while we're on unicorn tears. Look what I saw while perusing the clearance racks of DSW the other day, because I'm a cheap w.

WHAT THE WHAT?

I DESPERATELY wanted to buy these, because hello, there's a mother effin' CRYING UNICORN on them. You'd be insane not to hot glue these on your feet, but because I'm 3/4s elfin, b's were too big on my own unicorn hooves. Life blows, man.

Okay, back to lipstick perfection. I found a great nude/pinky lip, and IT'S A DRUGSTORE BRAND. Go ahead, kiss me now -- with those "your lips but better" lips of yours.

This is Revlon's Super Lustrous Lipstick in Pink Pearl. Ignore the fact that I'm the worst at life, and the top photo makes this mess look purplish. I don't know what the eff my general problem is. So let's take a look at the photo from drugstore.com, where Revlon products are currently buy one, get one half off:

drugstore.com, $7.99

Yup, they clearly are much better at this stuff than I. I am of the pale and yellowish skin tone at the moment, and this stuff is the monkey's banana bread for me. I don't know how it will be on cooler skin tones, but it's pretty neutral, so I would give it a try. You can pick up Revlon, well, pretty much anywheres, people. Try it. SCORE FOR THE CHEAP AND NUDE TEAM!

Sorry, Gossy baby, I had to use that line. I didn't choose the game, the game chose me.

P.S. Can we all go get airbrushed t-shirt (or puffy paint, pick your poison) that read "Cheap n' Nude" and are emblazoned with crying unicorns?




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