Is ANYONE surprised that Biebs acts like a little sh*t? No. He's also apparently a member of some after school club called "The Wild Kidz." So cute. And he hates Bill Clinton? SO EDGY.
But sadly, JB is just following a long line of douches that like to pee in stuff when there are totally bathrooms available. When Lord Disick has already done that sh*t, it's totally over.
Don't worry, I'm not even going to talk about Bieb's outfit. I'm just done with it all.
In fact, I would rather just watch this video all day than any of this effery.
No, I'm not. BUT I totally could. Because sh*t like this keeps happening.
Lemme break it down for you, here. Not only is baby boo driving a mf-ing LEOPARD PRINT car that everyone on Jerseylicious is super jealous of (is that show still on?), but Biebs needs front and back black SUV coverage while driving. I was just thisclose to making a wildly inappropriate joke about that sentence. If Mama Biebs (who I feel is my age peer) doesn't get this mess under control, I will sign up to Supernanny this b*tch. And there won't be any "You is kind, you is smart, you is important," kind of niceties happening.
Seriously though, I have to get this JB constant talk under control. We have much more important ish to take care of here.
Hey guys, I've been a little distant lately. I've been in a deep, deep Game of Thrones hole, but, sadly, that's over for a year. Since I've been gone, here's what happening.
Henry Cavill has a perfect face and can "Look, Ma, no hands," the eff outta bicycle.
I've had a thing for homeboy since The Tudors, and he sure hasn't gotten any uglier.
HAHAHAHA. No, he doesn't. He wants to be a super pain in the ass, duh squared.
Oh, Biebs. When will you stop with this tom foolery? YOU AREN'T EVEN PRETENDING TO ENJOY YOURSELF. If you are going to bring a police officer and a giant bodyguard (where the eff is Kevin Costner?!?) to a basketball game, and be a total c block of people actually being able to watch said game, the least you can do it put on a fake ass smile and pretend your silly ass wants to be there. Kind of like what I have to do when one of your songs come on. It's just polite.
Now, let's talk about whose 1998 tricked out Camaro seats you had to skin to get that shirt. SOMEBODY loves tigers, you guys. That tattoo is about to bite off your areola, boo. I won't even mention that stone-washed hat, because I can't even see it. It's dead to me.
We're done here. I couldn't even fully enjoy looking at this picture of David Beckham, who was also there.
Okay, yes, I could. What a relief. My eyeballs aren't broken.
I know that changes are happening to your body that you don't really understand, yet, but Imma need you to pull your pants up more in the crotchal region. And you probably don't really need gloves when you're working out on Soloflex. And posting topless ass pictures of yourself under the pretense that you're mocking the media isn't fooling any hoes, honey. Now go into time out, and I'll bring up a Berenstain Bears book about keeping your mother effing shirt on in public. And, yes, you can have one more pack of Gushers and a Hi-C Ecto Cooler.
JB's been in ol' London town for a bit now, and at times been seen wearing this dumbass gas mask. Why? Who the hell knows. I am more curious about the well-being of the person that vomited up those shoes. And why does Biebs look like something from the Super Mario Bros here?
Also, is he having some kind of spinal issue? Is his next album (cough) inspired by Quasimodo? And how did he go back in time and steal my circa 2003 Old Navy sweater that I wore when I worked as a bank receptionist? Is he some sort of wizard? If so, I'd like to put in my request to borrow his pointy hat thingy.
Yes. Yes, I am. Now Bieber, stop the silly nonsense. You look a fool. Again.
I don't even want to know what kind of effery those pant are, or what sorority (my apologies, sorority people) girl you stole this whack ass pose (and pants) from, but this sh*t is damn ridiculous. There's only one thing we can do to remedy this situation.
I can't stop thinking Justin Bieber's dad is hot. What the eff is my problem? What's next, one of those kids from One Direction's great auntie? I know that I'm old and sh*t, but do I also have brain/sexual attraction to Canadian dad issues? And does this mean that I really have a thing for dudes that look like skinny Kevin Federlines? Is this really about my deep, deep love for Britney Spears? If I buy Fantasy perfume will it solve my problems? My. God.
I need some advil. Or roofies. Or a lobotomy.
P.S.
P.P.S. I REALLY have to stop following Justin Bieber on Instagram.
P.P.P.S. I'm now following the dad on Twitter. Call the police.
I am not shy about my confusion over Justin Bieber. I just don't understand -- but sometimes parents just don't understand. (I am at least of parental age, people. I should just accept that ish. Oh, and this is of note about that link I posted -- DJ JAZZY JEFF HAS A MOTHER EFFING VEVO. WHAT IS HAPPENING???) But for some reason, mostly my complete hatred of myself, I follow Biebs on the ol' instagram. And lemme tell you a little something; I can't handle seeing any more Bieber nipple. Not because it's giving me the Bieber fever. Oh no, it is quite the opposite.
via JB's instagram
First came this shot, which is bad enough. It brought the slight quease. I don't want to see you, Bieber, in all of your baby tattooed/baby abdominaled glory. And that face? No. But the insanity didn't stop there. Oh, no.
duh, via baby bieb's insta again
WHAT THE HOLY EFF??? I do apologize for the inconvenience of only being able to see 1.2 Bieber nipple. Oh, wait. No, I don't. This is just entirely too much. I feel straight ILLEGAL AS F*CK at this point. And obviously everyone else did too, because he deleted this mess. I see you, Justin Marie Bieber (it just fits), I see you. You will not become a sex symbol. You will have to pull the laptop from my cold, dead hands.
I know that I need to get of of Justin Bieber's jock. (GROSS.) But when ish like this is popping up on my instagram, I CANNOT IGNORE IT. What in mother eff is all of this? That far right picture just makes me feel illegal. Please stop showing me your toddler underoos, Biebs. And working out in overalls isn't overalls is just ridiculous. And stop photographing yourself by the heavy weights. We all know you just power walk and use your mom's strap-on ankle weights. You aren't fooling my ass.
But my biggest issue is the I-undid-one-overall-strap thing that is happening. ARE WE REALLY HERE AGAIN? Because you know who wore this look better?
DONNIE EFFING WAHLBERG, B*TCH. You can't even rock the 'alls as hard as Jordan.
Okay, maybe Jordan. Homeboy has a rat tail halfway to his ass.
P.S. Can we all just drink in this photo for a moment?
My life will never be as wonderful as it is at this moment. NKOTB 4 EVA.
I was perusing this story on The Daily Mail about blah blah blah Biebs and Selena Gomez reuniting blah blah blah. I didn't even have one eff to give about all of that mess, until this photo turned my heart to ice:
What the muther eff? Did baby Bieber not have supervision when he was getting dressed, and accidentally wore his mom's upside down sweatshirt as a pair of pants? What the disgusting are those things? They are exactly one million times worst than the last ones! Even Selena, in the background, is all, "Did that weird cult-y lady leave yet?" Let's have a look at the back (if you're brave enough), shall we?
I can't even belieb (groan) that this is really happening. If things such as these are truly being manufactured, forget the death of Twinkies, THIS is the true sign of the apocalypse.
I'm going into my "safe chamber" until this is all over.
P.S. My safe chamber is my couch, wearing nearing-decade-old Juicy pants and dirty hair. Don't tell anyone.
You can go ahead and virtually punch me in the face for that stupid ish. The answer is Justin Bieber.
And I know this because I follow Biebs on instagram, and am freely accepting your judgement for this. He added the owl tatt next to his Ask Jeeves tattoo, which is a nice accompaniment. (No! It's not an Ask Jeeves tattoo. That would just be silly. Errmmm.) It also looks like the owl might be perched on a paint brush or a broom. So it's either a witch or artist owl. Yay!
I have to say that I have never seen an episode of Dancing with the Stars. I usually feel all, "What stars?" about it. (Yep, I'm one of THOSE a-holes.) But I am currently out of town and visiting my in-laws for the week, and they are super into the show. So I saw an episode last night, and someone (thing) totally stole the show. The Biebs was there to do a "live" performance (Ha!) and this is what he was wearing.
He looks like he re-purposed Missy Elliot's black garbage bag deal from The Rain video.
You're going to have to come a hell of a lot more original than that ish, Justi-poo. Oh, but don't worry -- I've been getting screen grabs all morning so we can all stare right into the face of the devil's pantaloons.
Are you guys dying over this ish? A DROPPED CROTCH LEATHER PANT (OR POSSIBLE ONESIE) HAS NO PLACE ON A MAN'S (Hahaha. I couldn't even keep it together on that one.) BODY. And for that, you and your pants are the GUUUURL of the day.
I came across this article on I'm Not Obsessed, which contained this photograph of young Justin Bieber. Don't worry, I'm not about to go all, "Justin Beiber is hot now." No, he's not. BUT, I was like, "Who is that slightly trashy, Liev Schreiber's less attractive brother looking, jorts wearing, hot man with Lady Biebs?"
Holy ish, you guys. THAT'S J. BIEBS DAD. It's not Kevin Federline's hotter cousin. Ugh. I'm old. And completely gross. I'm going to bury my disgust in cupcakes and wine wine cooler (more appropriate). It's 8:45 where I live right now. IDGAF.
Update: Because I'm weird, I couldn't stop thinking about 'Lady Beibs', and I really think that Justin Bieber should make a cameo on Downton Abbey. This is what it might look like.
Selena Gomez has been filming a movie in my town for the past few weeks, along with ol' Smirks McGee (Government Name: Vanessa Hudgens). I gave not really a crap about this, unless I got to see that b. And alas, I have not. So I pretty much felt like this:
That is until a couple of days ago, when the plot started to thicken on this ish. That's when I found out that THE BIEBS was here! Staying right down the street from me, at the Vinoy.
I hear that this place is haunted, so I secretly hope that the ghost of Abagail Adams (???) haunted him and he tee-teed in the bed. Fingers crossed! THIS B supposedly spent $18k IN ONE FRIGGIN' NIGHT. Okay, Justin Bieber! I see you! Ridic.
It gets even closer to home for me. Sunday night, these two little love muffins were seen at the sports bar NEXT DOOR to my damn apartment. What the what?
Here's my professional photograph. They obviously have nice garbage receptacles. So here's the haps from my source, who happens to be my radio host friend, Holly. She talked to a waitress over at Ferg's (the lovely bar pictured) that said that Selena and Biebs ALLEGEDLY got a little crunk on purple drank (not literally). They apparently were drinkin' and fightin' like they were on an epi of Teen Mom. The Bieb-ster stormed out after a fight, and later came back to hang more. See? Celebs are just like us!
(That was strictly a recreation, and not really a Justin Bieber video.)
I saw this beauty cruising down the interstate today, and I REALLY hope that those two crazy kids are shacked up inside.
Yes, that is an airbrushed portrait of cuddling white tigers on the back of an RV.
P.S. For some reason every time that I type "Justin Bieber" I almost always type "Justin Beaver." Coincidence? I think not...
