Vanessa Hudgens Obviously Used My Budget to Make Her (Sure to be Hit) Teaser Video for $$$ex.

Baby V, what the hell kind of effery is this mess? Does the title desperately need three dollar signs? Leave the innocent pool noodles and fanny packs of the world alone. They don't want any part of your nonsense. And how did you b's film this in my first piece of sh*t apartment? I can't believe they let you paint a wall in there. They wouldn't let me do that crap.

Quick side note about said POS apartment, that is NSFL. It (of course) didn't have a washer and dryer in it, so I would use the on-site laundromat. One day, there was a notice on the door from the police saying that a man had been stealing panties (bleh on that word) from the washers, using them for masturbatory purposes, and then PUTTING THEM BACK IN THE WASHERS. Listen, I get the stealing underwear thing. Whatever, you're weird. BUT PUTTING THAT SH*T BACK? That's some code red grossness. I don't know if dude skipped middle school health class, but you can't get b's pregnant by proxy.

Sorry for the perv story, but it's one that needs to be told. Passed down to generations, and such. So anyway, this video is terrible. End of list.

P.S. I realized today JUST how old I am. In order to watch Smirky McSmirkerson's video twice, I had to mute the sound. Next time I'll just remove my hearing aide.




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I'm Super Old, and I've Learned A SH*T TON About Beauty.

Well guys, it's totally official -- I'm an old ass b. I had a birthday this weekend, and it reminded me of my previous 32 years (holy eff, I can't believe that ish is true), and all of the beauty lessons I have learned from being alive this long ass time. So I thought that I would compile a list of some of the things I've learned and share them with yo' asses, so you don't have to live with the same mistakes that I've made. I know, I know. I'm such a kind-hearted angel face. I hear it all the time. (Nope. I sure don't.)

Sometimes, Less Is More.

via realitytvgifs

No, Danielle, I don't mean less clothes. I mean the bedazzling of your face and such. There have been times in my life when it wasn't unusual for me to wear heavy eyeshadow, winged eyeliner, and fake lashes DURING THE DAY. Listen, I like a made-up face. Ain't nothing but a thang. BUT, it can sometimes be a little much for just everyday, reg life. And this is also the reason that I would like to be the first (that I know of) biologically female drag queen. The glitz! The glamour! The showladyship! The perfected sashay-and-lip-syncing! But until that day comes, I have learned to tone down my ish (somewhat) and be daylight appropriate. Boring, but necessary.

Take Care of What You've Got.

Get ready to hear straight Gam Gam advice -- you only have one body, so don't eff that mess up too much while you're young. Be careful how much you're in the sun, because IT WILL CATCH UP with your ass. Trust. Same goes for smoking. I've seen many a wrinkle on a young buck just because of these lifestyle choices. Listen, I know that getting enough sleep and drinking enough water, and crap, isn't as fun as being a rebellious hoodlum. I got it. But you also don't want to look super hag-y by the time you're thirty, right? RIGHT? Just THINK about reigning it in...Mmmkay?

Keep Sh*t In Your Purse.

Okay, so you don't have to carry a purse so friggin' large that it's made from the sacrificial lambs of other, tinier, purses. But there is something to say about carrying a big ass bag, and that is that you can fit a ton of beauty into a bigger purse. This is currently what's in my purse:

And that's just the "makeup" makeup. I also carry deodorant and two dry shampoos in my purse. I'm fully aware that I am a ridiculous person, but I also like to be prepared, like a high maintenance boy scout. Here's my theory -- what if, for whatever fake reason, you can't go home for a day? I could totally maintain regular level of hygiene and live straight from the purse. NBD. It's like a hobo/Tom Sawyer beauty lifestyle. P.S. Ziploc bags are THE BEST makeup bags, because you can replace them every few weeks.

Don't Underestimate the Power of Eyebrows.

See, even Christian Bale knows, and that b likes to yell at people. You mofo's know that I can't stop talking about eyebrows. But there's a real reason. EYEBROWS CAN MAKE OR BREAK YOUR FACE. Don't believe me?

Point, match, game. (Is that how it's said? I know nothing of sports.) Eyebrows are a frame to the artwork that is your face. Don't be a poster hanging up with thumbtacks. Be the framed Monet.

Okay, not a Monet. An Andy Warhol print, or whatever the hell gets you tingly. Just get that brow game right. Alright, that's all I've got, people. I have to go order one million cases of Ensure now, because my ass is older than Dylan McKay over here.

via 90210gifs

I LOVE old Dylan. What a DILF.





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Explain This Ish to an Old Person -- Is This New Lady Gaga Video Good?

I would like to start out by saying that I originally typed "food" instead of "good" when I typed that title. Howngray b, party of one? But seriously, young bucks, is this supposed to be a good song? Am I supposed to be poppin' that ass to this? I'm confused. And hungry, and then more confused. And also have a strong case of the olds.

P.S. I WANT to like this mess. I mean, it's called CAKE for God's sake. (Nursery rhymes, be damned.)


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Get Out Your Pen and Paper -- Your Holiday Wish List Will Start Here.

You. Guys. There are collectable Jem and the Holograms dolls coming out! And look how badass they are. (Except for the fact that Jem is being assaulted by the doll stand. Yikes.) But besides that...

via mrhankey

And the Jem dolls don't stop there. You can also get boring ass Jerrica.

Or for the dude in your life, Rio. (Who is wearing pantent leather boat shoes.)

You can also get Synergy or "Classic" Jem (AKA pink pleather dress) if that's more your bag. If you are a rich b, you can see where to buy this mess here. By the way, these hoes are $125 each, so you might have to sell your vintage collection of The Babysitters Club to afford this. WWCD? (What would Claudia do? That was my b.)



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The Horrible Pitfalls of Coming of Age in the 90's

I turned 18 in the year of 1999, or the year of the partying Prince (or Prince symbol thing at the time) song. I feel like no matter what decade you are a teenager, there is always some super embarrassing/hazardous pictures of your horrid-ness floating around. But because I was a young whippersnapper in the 90's, I had to suffer through a sh*tload of grossness that I did to myself, and now think WTF kind of effery did I do to myself???

#1 Tramp Stamps -- Let's just go ahead and get the worst, most permanent thing out of the way. Not a lot of people (even close friends) know this about me, but I'm putting this mess all on front street for the enjoyment of strangers. Yikes. On my 18th birthday, I got a tramp stamp. And it's a butterfly. ( I EFFING KNOW, YOU GUYS.)

My underwear indentations aren't exactly helping the sitch, either. In my defense, there was no such thing as a tramp stamp in 1999. But children of the world, please take this into consideration. Don't get a tattoo on yo' damn 18th birthday, like a dummy. A butterfly is not cute over a 30 something's ass crack. Mmmmkay?

#2 Horrible Lifelong Photos of Memorable Occasions -- I also had a pretty horrible prom dress, you guys. Crushed velvet leopard print?

Don't forge to rest your eyes on those luxurious, mile-long acrylic nails while you're at it. Not pictured -- a chunky-heeled, strappy, GLITTERED black dress sandal. Hang it up, style queens. You've got nothing on this hotness.

#4 Pubescent Before Flat Irons -- Imagine growing up in the Florida humidity without the invention of flat irons. They didn't come out until I was in friggin' college. AND I had bangs for a large portion of my life.

I look like damn Doris Day or some crap. And let's not even bring up my Donna Martin-esque outfit. I don't even know if I owned a hair dryer at this point in my life. And that's also about the last time I saw my natural hair color.

#5 The "Platinum Playboy" Look Was Cool (to Me) -- I had (white) platinum blonde hair, a dangle belly button ring, and acrylic french manicured nails.

Oh, and a ridiculous amount of crop tops. That's a lot time investment in ab work, people. Probably using an ab roller. And a thigh master worked in, somehow.

What kind of grossness did you guys go through when you were in your teen years? Please tell me it wasn't as horrible as my ish. Impossible.






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Have You Guys Heard? Miley Cyrus Works Out.

I must start this out by saying that I follow ol' MC (no, not Mariah Carey) on Twitter. I know, there is no good reason for a damn 31 year old woman to follow Miley Cyrus, but here we are. I have noticed a trend with Miley over the past couple of weeks. B LOVES to show a belly-showing self photo on the Twitter. Don't believe me?

Okay, honey boo boo. OH-KAY. Yoooooou (Soulja Boy, Tell 'Em) look good. You been pilates-ing more than Joseph Pilates could ever even imagine in his wildest dreams, during an amazing night's sleep after reading Good Night Moon or even a Berenstain Bears book on working out. We gots it. But you know who has two thumbs and can't even judge yo' ass? This guy.

See? I totally  win the douche award from at least '99-'01, and possibly even currently. Please believe if Twitter (or even Myspace) were around in the late 90's/early 00's, my everything would probably be all over everything. Praise baby Jesus that I'm an old ass b.

pic via buzz feed

So go 'head Miley. You do you.


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And My "That Dude's Hot" Shame Spiral Hits a New Low.

I came across this article on I'm Not Obsessed, which contained this photograph of young Justin Bieber. Don't worry, I'm not about to go all, "Justin Beiber is hot now." No, he's not. BUT, I was like, "Who is that slightly trashy, Liev Schreiber's less attractive brother looking, jorts wearing, hot man with Lady Biebs?"

Pic via Imnotobesessed.com

Holy ish, you guys. THAT'S J. BIEBS DAD. It's not Kevin Federline's hotter cousin. Ugh. I'm old. And completely gross. I'm going to bury my disgust in cupcakes and wine wine cooler (more appropriate). It's 8:45 where I live right now. IDGAF.

Update: Because I'm weird, I couldn't stop thinking about 'Lady Beibs', and I really think that Justin Bieber should make a cameo on Downton Abbey. This is what it might look like.

I'm done. Happy Friday, b faces.




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I'm Wearing My Over-Sized NKOTB Pin in My Retirement Home

Donnie Wahlberg (if you don't know who that is, it's time to go) posted this picture of the current state of affairs of New Kids on the Block to his twitter. It appears that they are in a bath house of some sort, and have become an Freddie Mercury tribute band. Damn, we are all getting old, aren't we? Jon looks like he's in dire need of  a nap and some cucumbers on his eyes. Danny's hardly in the picture, because he was never anyone's favorite. BUT, my man Jordan (Does anyone else find it weird that a middle aged man's name is JORDAN? People, think of these things when you name them kids.) is looking guuuurd still. I'm picking up everything he's throwing down.

Who was your favorite NKOTB? If you say Danny, you're a damn liar.



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You Know How You Know I'm Old?

Pic via OK Magazine

This ish is hot again.

P.S. You b's are lucky that I'm too old to wear overalls in this piece.


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An Epic Battle: Zack Morris' Cell Phone VS AC Slater's Pleated Pants

After seeing Mr. Belding on Mad Men this week, I started thinking.

Whaddup, Mr. B? Where's Miss Bliss?

What was more awesome(er): Zack Morris' 10381093810298 lb cell phone? Or Slater's pleated to hell and back pants? Let's have a little refresher.

First, the phone:

The early years

What the what? Is that an effing flip phone???

"What's up, Preppy? Check these guns!"

Now, that's just adorbs.

But, I don't know, you guys. These pants just won't quit:

This. Is. Weird.

This entire look is sexy. (Call the police, I think he's 13 here.)

Z Cavariccis never looked so olive-y!

Wow. These are the pants version of that double-velcro Reebok high top we wore. (Don't front like you didn't.)

So what's better? Zack's uber techo savvy phone? Or Slater's fashion forward bottom wear?

Duh. The pants win. DID YOU SEE THE LAST PICTURE?!?!? Plus, there's this:

Bonus points for Lisa's hair.

 P.S. Was this the "Jessie's addicted to effing CAFFEINE PILLS" episode? Oh, 90's. You were such a card.



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