Allure Insiders Get The Look: Orange Is The New Black Makeover Mashup

The subject of this week's Allure Insiders video is one of my favorites (uh, doy). I took three of my favorite characters from my beloved OITNB and created a mashup look from little pieces of all of them. Watch on to see who I chose.

And if you aren't caught up on the show, what the eff are you waiting on? Head over to Netflix and binge-watch the hell of it like any sane person would, then come back over hear and lets talk about it! (I finished this weekend, obviously.)

P.S. If you don't want to "boop" Suzanne, I don't even know you.




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Gross Beauty Probs, Quit Killing My Vibe.

It's always something with me, man. I can't just let shit be. I'm constantly stressing myself out over SOMETHING beauty-related. My current freak out is getting rid of all things gross on my body. More specifically, dead face skin and hard water hair distgusting-ness.

After massive amounts of research (okay, googling), I found two products that pretty much slayed these annoying issues. So now I can be on to the next one. Great.

Hard Water Hair: Malibu Hard Water Treatment

I really got the idea of how shitty my water is stuck in my brain wrinkles after I started using Keracolor Purify Plus. I began obsessing over the hard water stains on my shower door that I just couldn't get off and thinking, "IF THE WATER IS DOING THIS TO GLASS, WHAT THE EFF IS IT DOING TO MY HAIR???" So I started researching about how to rid hair of hard water deposits, which can eff your hair game up MAJOR.

That's when I came across the Malibu C Hard Water Weekly Demineralizer. It comes in a box of individualized packets that you use once a week. You shampoo, use the treatment, shampoo, then condition. The first time I used the Malibu C, I noticed that it said it contained "crystals" on the package, so naturally I was picturing this:

Don't get excited. It's just a powder that you mix with water to create a paste and leave on your hair for five minutes. Because it's kind of a drying type deal, I followed it up with my OG deep conditioner, L'Oreal Nature's Therapy Mega Moisture Nurturing Creme. I've used the treatment twice so far, and it's removed any brassiness from my hair and made my highlights brighter. Score one for the hard water-afflicted bitches.

Gross Dead Skin: Pure Aqua Gel Exfoliator

I read about this Japanese exfoliation product a while back, and I knew that I must try it. Because if you don't love something that exfoliates your face skin like a GD champ, then I don't know what to say to you anymore, quite frankly. Cure Aqua Gel is reportedly Japan's top selling skin care product, or so Amazon tells me, so I really felt like I had no choice but to shell out the 35 bones and try this shit.

The issue that I ran into after getting the bottle is that all of the instructions are in Japanese. So I did a little digging and found out how to use this stuff, and then made a little video showing you what the deal is with Cure.



After using Cure a couple times, I'm pretty ride-or-die on this stuff. It's not cheap, but if you're into exfoliating, it will be your jam. You can cop it from Amazon here.

I'm off to figure out my next beauty dilemma (ft. Kelly Rowland) to harp on like a nagging hen. I love life.





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BREAKING NEWS: Adam Levine Now Has Gwen Stefani Hair

via AL's twitter

No, this ain't no hollaback girl, sadly, it's Adam Levine and his new head rug. Yeezus, take the wheel. After resting my eyeballs on this, I think that we can all now officially calm our tits on the great debate over whether Adam Levine is hot in a skeeze way or not. This cat's face speaks volumes on the "Would you still?" topic. You can just feel the "eff no" in the windows to his soul.

It seems like when AL bleached his hair to Courtney Stodden on the color scale, and it really brought out the douche in his bone structure. What makes it worse is that he's totally got his "I look super hot right now" face on in the picture, but for me it's reading more "I live in a basement with mannequins."

What do you guys think? Am I being a super bitch? Is this actually hot? Tell how me to live.



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Snitching On My New Favorite Hair Stuffs

Last week I broke it down about my terrible skin probs, and this week I'm kicking it to another problem area -- my thirsty hair. I have really, really fine hair, so the longer it gets the more of a basic, annoying b it becomes. My natural hair (I'm almost always wearing clip-in weave) it at that bra strap-level point now, so it's starting to rebel like a 13 year old girl and get all tangle-y and unmanageable.

Luckily, I have found a couple of products that have made my hair life immensely easier, and kept me from having constant tumble weed head.

Keracolor Purify Plus & my shitty water

My first new buddy is really kind of badass. The peeps at Keracolor sent me their new product called Purify Plus, which takes all of the shitty stuff in your water, like chlorine and trace minerals, and kicks it to the curb, like it's 1997. Okay, so it really neutralizes the impurities, or something more scientific, but you know what I mean. And with the spray came a little kit for me to test my water for all of that badness, which made me be all:

So I put some of my crap water (not literally, don't be sick) in the tube, then put some of the science drops (I have no idea what they were) in the water tube thing. If there's chlorine in the water, the drops turn it ol' yeller.

Uh oh, it's looking a little pee lite. That ain't good, man. Chlorine is kind of a c-block to banging hair, causing funky color changes and brittleness, and homie don't play that. The next part of this mini experiment was to add the Purify Plus to the water.

Annnnd buh-bye yellow times! Mr. Wizard would be really proud of me. Or maybe yell at me a little.

Here's the low down: I've been using the spray for a few weeks now, and I'm completely into it. I don't really know what my hair/hair color would look like without it at this point, because I use it every day. I'M PROTECTING MYSELF BEFORE I WRECK MYSELF. It's also really lightweight, but as moisturizing as a light leave-in conditioner. So you can totally use it in conjunction with your other hair prods as you wish, Buttercup.

Keracolor Purity Plus is a salon-only kind of deal and will run you $20, so contact them here to see where you can cop your own bottle, AND PROTECT YO' SELF.

My next new hair baby daddy's daddy is something that I had heard rumblings about on the beauty streets, but didn't understand what the fuss was all about. I'm the type that, typically, gives zero effs about a hair brush. I could use a Barbie brush or a dinglehopper, for all I care.

But like I said earlier, the longer my hair is, the more of a pain in the ass it becomes, and when it gets to its current length, it gets really hard to brush through. Even with a wide tooth comb. Or wide-set fingers. So I decided to give into the rumors, and buy a Wet Brush.

The Wet Brush (Sally's, $7.99)

I was expecting this puppy to be way over-hyped, but I was a wrong, wrong bitch. This brush is a friggin' miracle worker. It glides through my tangled, wet hair with the greatest of ease. It brushes through the knots that I get at the base of my head in less than zero seconds. A tiny sorcerer might live inside this thing. I don't really know, and I can't really be bothered, but I'm obsessed.

What new hair products are you guys into? What are all the kids doing these days, besides that chapstick on the eyelids business?

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An Open Letter To Jennifer Love Hewitt: I'm So Sorry, But We Can't Have Blonde Hair.

Hey, J. Love, (Are we still doing that? No?)

I came across the segment of you on Ellen yesterday. I noticed something from jump street that made me feel a little uneasy, but I ignored it. I tried, instead, to focus on how much you've calmed your (literal) tits and how at-ease you now seem in comparison to your former, way over-sharing ways. I like this new you. You seem quite genuine and lovely, so I pushed my bitchy ass thoughts aside.

Then my friend (Hey, V) tagged me in a post about you, with a picture similar to the one above, on Facebook, and I voiced my displeasure about your current hair color haps. Then I tried to move on with my life. I really did. I went to get a coffee. I gave my dog her dog pills. I tried to think of other things to ponder, like how many times we will get to see Eric Northman's ass on this season of True Blood. Or why I can't stop watching Silence of the Lambs, like, nonstop.

BUT I COULDN'T GET THIS SHIT OUT OF MY MF-ING HEAD. Listen, I'm the last person that should judge a person's hair decisions. I make terrible life decisions, especially when it comes to my hair color. I'm that person that dyes their hair with blue-black boxed dye for several years, decides they want to be blonde, gets their hair done every two weeks until it's platinum blonde, then promptly dyes over it with black boxed dye again. I'm the actual worst hair-related-decision-making human.

That's why I feel like I can tell you this. I'm right here with you, sister. We can't be blonde. At least not this blonde. And, unlike you, I was born a blonde. (I watched every damn episode of Kids Incorporated, honey. From Fergie to you. Don't try me.) So it really hurts my nearly-unfeeling heart.

I blocked my friend's face so he won't have to be embarrassed by my hair choices.

LOOK AT US, JLH. WE LOOK LIKE A GD MATCHING SET OF MANILLA ENVELOPES, MAN. I'm not saying this to be a huge c-face (this time). I just wish someone had told me sooner.

I just got my hair done the other day, and when I told my stylist that I wanted to add a little more blonde, he said, "Okay, but you can't have too much near your face. Your skin tone has yellow undertones and your eyes are dark. It won't look right." That's the first time that a professional has told me that. Ever. In all of my precarious hair coloring history. Which is nearing 20 years. And he was right as a mofo.

I'm so sorry that I have to be the one to tell you. I know that it's shitty, but we can't all be blonde. It's like me, you and Jodi Arias. Them's the breaks, kid. Someone had to tell you.

At least you have a great rack, seem extremely sweet, and look absolutely beautiful with your various other hair colors. It gets better.

You have my deepest regrets,

Shan



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GUUUUUURL Of The Day (And Also) Tits Out For The Boys Tuesday: Nick Cannon's Dumb Effing Hair (Topless)

Nick Cannon is really annoying me, you guys. He's one of those people that I have never really gotten on board with comedy-wise, acting-wise, music-wise, or anything else-wise, so I just kind of overlook him. Like the cheese daily serving section of the food pyramid. (GD-it, I love cheese.)

BUT THIS BULLSHIT CANNOT BE IGNORED, AND I'M IRRITATED. What kind of nonsense is Nick Cannon trying to pull on his head area here? I am not exaggerating when I say that my raver friend did this to his hair in the late 90s. Dude is 15 years late and a box of chocolate brown hair dye short. Please do yourself a disservice and look at this pic from US Weekly of him showing off his dumb hair. This is ridiculous.

At least he had the common decency to take his damn top off in the second Instagram pic. Not all is lost I guess, because I get to be extra super lazy and combine two posts into one.

Congratulations, Mr. Cannon-Carey. You're the Tits Out For The Boys Tuesday recipient, so there's...that. I need to go eat cheese.




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Get That 90s Beauty Vibe, In Completely A Non-Tragic Way

They say, whoever the hell "they" are (Illuminati?), that fashion and beauty trends are cyclical, and everything comes back after about 20 years. That means we're smack dab in the middle of the 90s again. I've totally been there and done that, in middle and high school, and it was all terrifyingly terrible. With those feelings in mind, I've taken these boomeranged 90s beauty trends and given them a slightly modern tweak, so I can avoid flashbacks of the most awkward time in my life. Now I will be able to continue living like a friggin' human being, for the most part, without having to listen to a "Jock Jams" compilation album on repeat.

Chocolate Rain Nails

Yes, I used a "Chocolate Rain" reference in 2014. I know not what I do. The bad mofos at Floss Gloss sent me a sample of Blood, Suede & Tears a while back, and I have never gotten around to using it until now. There's a reason for my madness -- I have deep-seated issues with chocolate brown nail polish. It was my polish du jour (for every jour) in high school, so I'm almost still burned out on it. Like the Celine Dion Titanic song. It's all still filed under "too soon" in my brain.

But then I actually TRIED this polish, and it's pretty damn boss. I decided to top it off with my OPI Matte Top Coat to give it a more leathery look, and it looks 0% like my high school nails, but still has a hint of that 90s vibe. IN YOUR FACE, 1998!

Brows to the Max

my down ass brow pencil and well-loved anastasia brow powder

Okay, so maybe the 80s are the most known decade for big ass brows, but I refuse to think about sperm-y eyebrows of the mid to late 90s. I can't. I'm talking those lush-to-death Linda Evangelista brows that just won't quit. Those things are bad boys for life. (You know Puffy's going to try to sue me now.)

The biggest, boldest brows are built in two steps. (And in a day. Take that, Rome!) First, create the shape of the brows you want with an eyebrow pencil that's a couple of shades lighter than your hair color. Because this is the part that really shows on your skin, and doesn't stick to your hair, you don't want the pencil to be dark and super obvious. After you've penciled up, fill-in the stencil you've created with a slightly-darker-than-your-hair brow powder. Always follow the direction of the hair growth of your brows, to keep them looking natural and non-tattoo-like. Viva la bushy brows!

Kate Moss-esque Zero Effs Grunge Hair

The queen of 90s-I-don't-even-care-about-anything-I-just-happen-to-be-hot-and-my-boyfriend-is-Johnny-Depp hair is obviously Kate Moss. I mean, look at this picture. It's so meta 90s that you want to scoff your a-hole off. And Kate's like, "Wheeee! I just woke up this way! Next to Johnny mf-ing Depp in his sexy prime! I have quirky and adorable teeth! I kind of paved the way for Kirsten Dunst! I never got a thank you letter for that, but I'll let it go! Frozen! Adele Dazim! Isn't my hair so damn recklessly fabulous?"

Here's the best thing about this 90s hair resurgence: it's perfect for lazies. It really looks best with air-dried, messy hair, and this takes almost zero effort. And, really, second-day hair works even better, if you can stand it. I usually can't do second-day hair sans chapeau (thanks, seven years of French) but I treated my slightly oily hair here with the Jonathan Dry Dirt spray, which I was given a sample of, to sop up a little grease and add some texture and volume. My non-blow dried hair is limp as the limpest noodle (insert your own dirty joke, freak-a-leeks), so I've been using Dry Dirt on the daily, and it's the perfect mix of texture with a teensy bit of hold. The cherry on the 90s hair cake (that's disgusting) is a deep side part, so part it up. Okay, where's Johnny Depp? Side note -- how often do you think JD washes his hair? Twice a month, tops, I bet.

Gloom n' Doom Lips

Remember, like, seven paragraphs ago when I told you I was almost irreparably damaged in my beauty brain by my own brown nail history? I pretty much felt the same way about dark lips, man. As you can see by Exhibit A above, I really favored dark brown lips in my teenaged years. So when the dark lipped trend recently bared it's beautifully monstrous head again, I had to find a way to flip the script to let the darkness back into my life, without feeling like I was participating in a horrible Freaky Friday-like experiment.

I achieved this by pretty much living and dying by this picture of Lily Collins when it comes to dark n' lovely lips. Instead of a brown-ish based lip, I favor deep reddish burgundy, like Urban Decay Revolution Lipstick in Shame. For maximum impact, I keep the rest of my mug relatively on the down low and let my lips do the talking. It's like my old school brown lip game, with a new school twist. As for my choker collection, it's been put out to pasture. Sorry, world, I'm not ready.

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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure's facebook page

This month for Allure, I funneled all of my crazy, weird love for pop stars into a slideshow all about "10 Beauty Looks Inspired From the 10 Times You Wanted to Be a Pop Princess." Go check it out here.



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It's What You've Been Missing In Your Life: The Sexy Ass Jared Leto Hair Tutorial

via gq.com

Oscars night was the straw that broke the sexy-haired camel's back. I had coveted Jared Leto's hair for the last damn time. So, I have created a tutorial for Leto's look. Now all of our head hairs can look like a flawless man's mane. Or something.






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Gettin' Sh*t Done On The Cheap: DIY Banana And Honey Hair Mask

Sometimes, in life, that cash flow source is strong to quite strong, and other times you're broke as a joke. Sh*t happens, and whatnot. Just because it might be one of those times when you've got way less disposable income, doesn't mean you have to give up your beauty game.

Bananas are packed with vitamins, healthy oils, and a bunch of that good good that makes head hairs gaww-geous. Whipping up a beneficial banana hair mask right in your kitchen takes about 1.4 seconds and contains sh*t that you probably already have up in your semi-bare cabinets.

Pro tip: Look behind the wine.

Grab a bowl, a ripe ass banana, and some honey. End of list.

Break up the nanner and put it in the bowl with about a teaspoon of honey.

Pro tip: Don't eat the mixture, no matter how tempted you are at this point. (And you will be tempted. Trust.)

Blend it all together, getting out all of the lumps. If you don't, those chunky chunks will get caught up in your mop, and ain't nobody got time for that.

Once you're blended into smoothness, put it all over your hair. Put a shower cap on your noggin, or wrap it up with plastic wrap, if that's more your speed. Leave your science experiment on for 20 minutes or so. Then rinse, and get back to your regularly scheduled program of shamps and conditioning.

Make sure you're insanely thorough with the rinse/shampoo job, because my lazy ass still had bits of banana in my hair. But banana pieces aside, my hair was left moisturized and smooth. Bonus points for everything smelling like a damn smoothie.

Looking for a more intensive DIY hair mask? Check out the coconut oil hair mask here.




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Beauty Tricks To Make Yourself Look Like You Give A Sh*t, Even When You Don't

Life is not always mf-ing glitter-covered fairies and glow stick rainbows, you guys. I'm going through one of those mental valleys in life right now, and it's hard for me to find one eff to give about much. But that doesn't mean I'm ready to throw down the gauntlet, and buy some oversized sweatpants with "I've given up," emblazoned on the ass. When I do make a rare venture out into public, I force myself to at least give the illusion that I'm a productive member of society. Here are my tricks.

Get The Windows To Your Soul Looking Human(ish).

If the eyes really tell all, then (woo-hah!) you better get that all in check. The easiest and most effective way to do this is with a little eyebrow definition/eye highlighting combo. As you can see from the terrifying picture above, the combination of these two things give an instant lifted look to a sad sack eye. Plus, it takes, like, two seconds.

Simply take a concealer that's just a wee bit lighter than your skin, and apply it directly under your eyebrow and under-eye area, patting it in. Finish off by filling in your brows with a neutral eyebrow pencil. Voila! Now no one will ever know what an actual monster I am. Muahahaha!

P.S. Before your ass is all, "The eye picture on the right is just positioned lower than the one on the left, you conniving a-hole," it's one picture. I just put a little line down the center for the extra dramz. Science! 

Ditch The Garbage Pail Kid Hair.

The days that I actually and legitimately wash my entire head of hair are getting few and far between, so I have some tricks in my lazy arsenal to prevent myself from looking squarely in the "that girl might have ACTUAL vaseline in her hair" category. (The threat is very, very real.)

If you're still trying to make wearing your dirty ass hair down happen, the best thing to do is to just wash the front bang area of your mop, then style that section as you normally would. You can treat the rest of your hair with dry shampoo, like this new Herbal Essences Naked (Target, $4.99). It's insanely fragrant, so you won't smell like week-old french fries.

Or maybe your hair is way too far gone down that dirty ol' road to wear it down. I feel you, man. If this is the case, treat your mane generously with dry shampoo and wear it all up in a top knot. Oh, and maybe try washing it tomorrow, if you're up to it, Josie Grossie.

 Keep Lower Maintenance Expectations.

When I'm having an extended period of over-it-itis, I like to keep my expectations and my maintenance lowered.

These are the times that I like to depend on easy beauty products that really just get sh*t done, like the Clinique Chubby Stick Moisturizing Lip Colour Balm in Mega Melon ($17). It's a gorgeous pinky coral color, easy to apply, and has just the right amount of shine.

For eyes, it's all about my samples of Make Up For Ever Aqua Shadows (Sephora, $20) the company sent me forever ago. You literally can't eff up with these things. Rub it around your general eye area and it looks great. And like you tried. And not like you were crying over a Lifetime movie starring Tori Spelling while eating stale Cheetos all day.

When All Else Fails, Red Lipstick.

mac viva glam, $16

At worst, you'll look like an eccentric and mysterious weirdo, with phenomenal taste in lipstick and a penchant for hole-filled "Class of '99" t-shirts and leggings. Just put on huge sunglasses and let the gen pop think you're an Olsen twin.

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10 Fierce Hair Times in Beverly Hills, 90210 History

Real talk -- I formed roughly 99.9% of my opinions in life from watching Beverly Hills, 90210. There are so many amazingly horrible things to soak up from the ten years of that show, that I could fill an entire blog with all of the wonders of that world.

One of the best and worst things about 90210? THE HAIR. Now, click through so we can talk about all of the glory and the madness that made up the best moments in 90210 hair history.


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How To Deal With That Rude B*tch, Dry Winter Hair

You know how it goes -- your ass is strolling along the ho stroll with full-on Jhirmack, bounce back, beautiful hair when all of a sudden, bullsh*t mother nature pops up.

We see you, you showy b, with your friggin' polar vortex and your dry, cold air. And all of that hootenanny can lead straight to hell -- or dehydrated, brittle, static-filled hair. But worry not, fair maiden, there are ways to shut that sh*t down, or at least minimize the terrible-ness.

Treat Yo' Self

 
Keeping your mop moisturized is the name of the game in these tough and trying times. If you want to keep your hair game super-low maintenance,  go with a hippie-approved coconut oil treatment. I tried it for the very first time here, and I finding myself using (and recommending) this sh*t on the regular. If you want to intensify the treatment, feel free to wrap your hair up in plastic wrap and let your body heat (sultry!) do all the work.

If you are a fancy-pantsed type and want something a little more salon-y, I really love Minardi's Fortifying Pre-Wash Therapy (amazon, $38.90). I have zero idea where I got this bottle of goodness, but I'm assuming someone sent it to me to try at some point. You apply it in the same way that you would the coconut oil -- saturate your dry, unwashed hair, let that sh*t marinate for a while, then shampoo and lightly condition. I'm really into this stuff because it leaves hair as silky as Princess Jasmine's harem pants, without weighing the hair down or making it feel the least bit greasy. It's a damn dream weaver.

Do a Shampoo Switch-a-roo

 
Listen all of you beauty-survive-on-a-dime types, now is not the time to skimp on products and start using dish detergent, or whatever, to wash your mane. (Speaking of, no Mane n' Tail, either.) During harsh winter times, it's really important to not strip the sh*t out of your hair, so make sure to use a shamps that's sulfate-free and moisturizing. Better yet, now is a great time to try that whole co-washing trend.

A really great (read: affordable) cleansing conditioner I'm into for co-washing is L'Oreal EverCreme Cleansing Condtioner (walmart, $5.97). I feel like it actually washes my hair and doesn't leave it as limp as...never mind. (I have to draw the line somewhere.) The oily headed-terror that is my scalp doesn't allow me to use ONLY a cleansing conditioner for hair-washing purposes, so I've found that alternating days using a shampoo (to really, really clean my scalp) with days using a cleansing conditioner works best for me. But run your own scientific experiments and see what works best for your ass. It's your scalp. Do you.

The De-cling Scene

 
Even worse for your head hairs than all that outside weather madness can be that d-bag, indoor heat. That sh*t is drier than my dry ass sense of humor, and often leads to crazy, static-filled tresses. This static issue can be almost as bad as those early 90s days of terror, when you would pull on your best cotton knit turtleneck (it might have been hunter green), and suddenly be stuck looking at Young Einstein in the mirror.

Oldies, you feel me. Don't fret -- there are a few ways that you can avoid this tragic situation. First off, try using a boss ass leave-in, like It's a 10 (drugstore.com, $13.69). Once again, it adds moisture to your hair, leaving it less likely to look insane. If you're still looking dandelion-esque, you can actually rub a dryer sheet over your hair to cut that sh*t out. Worst case scenario? Pull your hair up into a top knot and call it a day.

We're all done with you, winter. Bye.




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