Showing posts with label Hair. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hair. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Beauty Tricks To Make Yourself Look Like You Give A Sh*t, Even When You Don't

Life is not always mf-ing glitter-covered fairies and glow stick rainbows, you guys. I'm going through one of those mental valleys in life right now, and it's hard for me to find one eff to give about much. But that doesn't mean I'm ready to throw down the gauntlet, and buy some oversized sweatpants with "I've given up," emblazoned on the ass. When I do make a rare venture out into public, I force myself to at least give the illusion that I'm a productive member of society. Here are my tricks.

Get The Windows To Your Soul Looking Human(ish).


If the eyes really tell all, then (woo-hah!) you better get that all in check. The easiest and most effective way to do this is with a little eyebrow definition/eye highlighting combo. As you can see from the terrifying picture above, the combination of these two things give an instant lifted look to a sad sack eye. Plus, it takes, like, two seconds.

Simply take a concealer that's just a wee bit lighter than your skin, and apply it directly under your eyebrow and under-eye area, patting it in. Finish off by filling in your brows with a neutral eyebrow pencil. Voila! Now no one will ever know what an actual monster I am. Muahahaha!


P.S. Before your ass is all, "The eye picture on the right is just positioned lower than the one on the left, you conniving a-hole," it's one picture. I just put a little line down the center for the extra dramz. Science! 

Ditch The Garbage Pail Kid Hair.


The days that I actually and legitimately wash my entire head of hair are getting few and far between, so I have some tricks in my lazy arsenal to prevent myself from looking squarely in the "that girl might have ACTUAL vaseline in her hair" category. (The threat is very, very real.)

If you're still trying to make wearing your dirty ass hair down happen, the best thing to do is to just wash the front bang area of your mop, then style that section as you normally would. You can treat the rest of your hair with dry shampoo, like this new Herbal Essences Naked (Target, $4.99). It's insanely fragrant, so you won't smell like week-old french fries.

Or maybe your hair is way too far gone down that dirty ol' road to wear it down. I feel you, man. If this is the case, treat your mane generously with dry shampoo and wear it all up in a top knot. Oh, and maybe try washing it tomorrow, if you're up to it, Josie Grossie.


 Keep Lower Maintenance Expectations.

When I'm having an extended period of over-it-itis, I like to keep my expectations and my maintenance lowered.


These are the times that I like to depend on easy beauty products that really just get sh*t done, like the Clinique Chubby Stick Moisturizing Lip Colour Balm in Mega Melon ($17). It's a gorgeous pinky coral color, easy to apply, and has just the right amount of shine.


For eyes, it's all about my samples of Make Up For Ever Aqua Shadows (Sephora, $20) the company sent me forever ago. You literally can't eff up with these things. Rub it around your general eye area and it looks great. And like you tried. And not like you were crying over a Lifetime movie starring Tori Spelling while eating stale Cheetos all day.

When All Else Fails, Red Lipstick.

mac viva glam, $16
At worst, you'll look like an eccentric and mysterious weirdo, with phenomenal taste in lipstick and a penchant for hole-filled "Class of '99" t-shirts and leggings. Just put on huge sunglasses and let the gen pop think you're an Olsen twin.




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Friday, January 31, 2014

10 Fierce Hair Times in Beverly Hills, 90210 History

Real talk -- I formed roughly 99.9% of my opinions in life from watching Beverly Hills, 90210. There are so many amazingly horrible things to soak up from the ten years of that show, that I could fill an entire blog with all of the wonders of that world.


One of the best and worst things about 90210? THE HAIR. Now, click through so we can talk about all of the glory and the madness that made up the best moments in 90210 hair history.


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Friday, January 17, 2014

How To Deal With That Rude B*tch, Dry Winter Hair

You know how it goes -- your ass is strolling along the ho stroll with full-on Jhirmack, bounce back, beautiful hair when all of a sudden, bullsh*t mother nature pops up.


We see you, you showy b, with your friggin' polar vortex and your dry, cold air. And all of that hootenanny can lead straight to hell -- or dehydrated, brittle, static-filled hair. But worry not, fair maiden, there are ways to shut that sh*t down, or at least minimize the terrible-ness.

Treat Yo' Self


 
Keeping your mop moisturized is the name of the game in these tough and trying times. If you want to keep your hair game super-low maintenance,  go with a hippie-approved coconut oil treatment. I tried it for the very first time here, and I finding myself using (and recommending) this sh*t on the regular. If you want to intensify the treatment, feel free to wrap your hair up in plastic wrap and let your body heat (sultry!) do all the work.


If you are a fancy-pantsed type and want something a little more salon-y, I really love Minardi's Fortifying Pre-Wash Therapy (amazon, $38.90). I have zero idea where I got this bottle of goodness, but I'm assuming someone sent it to me to try at some point. You apply it in the same way that you would the coconut oil -- saturate your dry, unwashed hair, let that sh*t marinate for a while, then shampoo and lightly condition. I'm really into this stuff because it leaves hair as silky as Princess Jasmine's harem pants, without weighing the hair down or making it feel the least bit greasy. It's a damn dream weaver.

Do a Shampoo Switch-a-roo

 
Listen all of you beauty-survive-on-a-dime types, now is not the time to skimp on products and start using dish detergent, or whatever, to wash your mane. (Speaking of, no Mane n' Tail, either.) During harsh winter times, it's really important to not strip the sh*t out of your hair, so make sure to use a shamps that's sulfate-free and moisturizing. Better yet, now is a great time to try that whole co-washing trend.

A really great (read: affordable) cleansing conditioner I'm into for co-washing is L'Oreal EverCreme Cleansing Condtioner (walmart, $5.97). I feel like it actually washes my hair and doesn't leave it as limp as...never mind. (I have to draw the line somewhere.) The oily headed-terror that is my scalp doesn't allow me to use ONLY a cleansing conditioner for hair-washing purposes, so I've found that alternating days using a shampoo (to really, really clean my scalp) with days using a cleansing conditioner works best for me. But run your own scientific experiments and see what works best for your ass. It's your scalp. Do you.

The De-cling Scene

 
Even worse for your head hairs than all that outside weather madness can be that d-bag, indoor heat. That sh*t is drier than my dry ass sense of humor, and often leads to crazy, static-filled tresses. This static issue can be almost as bad as those early 90s days of terror, when you would pull on your best cotton knit turtleneck (it might have been hunter green), and suddenly be stuck looking at Young Einstein in the mirror.


Oldies, you feel me. Don't fret -- there are a few ways that you can avoid this tragic situation. First off, try using a boss ass leave-in, like It's a 10 (drugstore.com, $13.69). Once again, it adds moisture to your hair, leaving it less likely to look insane. If you're still looking dandelion-esque, you can actually rub a dryer sheet over your hair to cut that sh*t out. Worst case scenario? Pull your hair up into a top knot and call it a day.


We're all done with you, winter. Bye.




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Wednesday, January 15, 2014

I Can't Even Think Of A Witty Headline, Because Miley Cyrus Has A Bowl Cut

To be honest, I don't even know what to say here, except that Mi Cy must be really trying to out-do her dad in the haircut department. If that's the case, homegirl is killing it. Trust me, I know that your 20s are a huge time of experimentation and finding yourself and all of that effery, but GD-it, this is one step over the line sweet Jesus.

pics via huffington post
Miley looks like she just was just rejected from guest starring on the OG version of 90210 as a new Beverly Hills High rabble rouser that's trying to get Donna to "do" pot. Or Kelly's sister that was given up for adoption, and is now back to try to take over her life and sleep with Dylan.


Miley, listen to Brenda, and get the eff out of here with that hair. You can come back when you want to be serious.






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Monday, January 13, 2014

The Award For The Ho With The Hottest Hair From The Golden Globes Goes To...


JORDAN CATALANO! Or Jared Leto, if you enjoy real people names. Like there was any other lame ass choices available in that vanilla pudding menagerie. Thank you, JJ for bringing bringing light to this lazy ass style from yesteryear. I have worn this hairstyle countless times, most often like this:

EXCUSE MY EFFING BEAUTY
Or, while working on my fitness (Ha! like I do that.), or while cleaning stuff (Ha! yeah, right). Wow, I really need to get my sh*t together.

Let's not get this twisted, though. If Ricky Vasquez popped up at the Globes, I would be doing an at-home perm RIGHT THIS SECOND.


What hairstyle will Leto bring back next? Banana clips? Those tiny, glittery butterfly clips? A bump-it? I'm really voting for these, because they're my sh*t, and it would be great to be able to not have judge-filled eyes resting upon my beautiful hair clip the next time I leave the house (Ha! like I do that, either).


I can't wait to see what majestic hair pieces you plan on bringing next time, Jordy. But until then, work that updo, honey.



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Friday, December 13, 2013

Call the Police! Courtney Stodden Has Brown Head Hairs!

via eonline
Who is this ravishing beaut that looks like she's attending an amateur wigs-that-look-like-a-hair-band-groupie competition??? It's my favorite fetal sex kitten, C. Stodd! She effed with our brains and switched up her hair game by deciding to become a brunette, with extra crimp, pimp. She's also letting her rack breathe and going boob commando. How exciting!

I have to admit, I'm really jealous of Stoddie's baby fawn legs. Mine are like two honey baked hams, so my eyeballs are full of envy and acrylic french tips. But really, this picture of CS is really giving me flavors of this:



If you're worried about the freighting crimp job/creepy colored contacts combo from above, fear not. Just like Doug McOldiepantswhatever, she's not married to that look. Zing! Here's Courtney at the grocery store, looking like a simple and understated lady.

via nydailynews
Nothing says "I'm just picking up a few bags of frozen vegetable medley" like a miniskirt with a zipper that goes all the way up!

via realitytvgifs





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Wednesday, November 20, 2013

How To Get Hair So Glossy That It Might Blind a B*tch.

If this were last year, I would have totally called this post "Hair That Shines Bright Like A Diamond," but as per ush, my ass is a day late and a dollar effin' short. Either way, I've got some super simpleton tips to get locks so shiny and glossy that they will inspire a new fairy tale entitled, "Glossy Locks." Duh.

Get Rid of the Josie Grossie-ness

the clarifyers: apple cider vinegar and clarifying shampoo
One of the biggest culprits of dull head hairs is excess buildup of gross sh*t like products and residue. Think of it this way -- your hair can hang on to stuff like your favorite pair of black leggings. After the day is done, you've got errrythang from Cheetos fingerprints to blanket lint all up on that mess.  You need something to get a clean slate.

That's where clarifying treatments come in. There are a couple of roads you can take to Shine Town, and one of my favorites routes is apple cider vinegar. I've used ACV for a ton of sh*t from facial toner to drinking it on the daily, but we can get into all that hootenanny later. The ACV hair rinse is crazy easy; just mix equal parts ACV with water, then apply to your hair by just dumping it over or by spritzing it on with a spray bottle after you finish shampooing. Leave it on for a few minutes, rinse, and your ass is done.

If that seems too granola for your beauty routine, don't worry. Neutrogena makes a great, cheap clarifying shampoo that works quite nicely. I recommend clarifying, in whatever effin' way works for your life, once a week for normal heads, or twice a week for oily messes (AKA me). But one word of warning, if you have very delicate hair, or like fire engine red dyed hair, consult a pro before doing any of this. I don't want to get any hate Hallmark cards because I ruined your hair game.

Use a Gloss-inducing Conditioner

molton brown london plum-kadu glossing conditioner, $30
As you can tell from this well-loved bottle of glossing conditioner that the Molton Brown peeps sent me, I'm way into glossy ass conditioners. Whenever I use this stuff people are all, "Why's your hair so damn shiny?" And I'm all, "Why are you up in my business?" (Just kidding, I thank them like a normal human.) This sh*t is the truth.

Here's the deal with condtioners -- you don't necessarily need a really heavy, moisturizing conditioner when looking for shiny hair. Sometimes heavier conditioners end up leaving hair looking dull and weighed down, so instead look for something that screams SHINE, SHINY, GLOSSY, FLOSSY B*TCH all over it. That's the ticket.

Bonus Tip: Right before you get out of the shower, blast your mop with really cold water. It seals in that really shiny shine.


Get Yo' Oil On

my b's: kitoko oil treatment and josie maran argan oil hair serum
I've talked about these little beauts before, but I'm still Beyoncé-style crazy in love with hair oils. Nothing else makes my hair feel as glossy and luxurious as these badass boys. The good good on hair oils are that they do great ish like keep your hair cuticle smooth, while protecting hair from the medieval torture devices of flat irons and curling wands, without weighing down and getting hair all filmy. If you haven't jumped on this friggin' bandwagon yet, I don't know what you're waiting on, but it's time, yo.

Bonus Tip: If you STILL need more shine, try a clear hair glaze to just get ridiculous amounts of gloss in this b.


Your hair's going to be so shiny, the world best be wearing shades.



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Tuesday, October 15, 2013

My New Favorite Dry Shamps, When You've Had Too Much Champs

I was at a friend's wedding this past weekend, and needless to say, my ass shut that sh*t down. The red wine, champagne and dancing was flowing like The River Runs Through It, and I was totally partaking.


So when the next annoying as eff, sunshiny day rolled around, and I had to be at work in, like, ten minutes, I turned to my new lazy BFF. My newest enemy to oily, gross hair is the Macadamia Natural Oil Volumizing Dry Shampoo, that the nice people of Macadamia Natural Oil Hair people sent me a few weeks ago.

macadamia natural oil volumizing dry shampoo, $25 at ulta.com
There are a few things that I look for in a ride or die dry shampoo -- it has to actually work (friggin' duh), it can't leave white mess all up on my noggin, and it better smell good. Well this stuff knocks all three of those criteria right out the damn park.

I can't tell you how many "GREAT ON BRUNETTE HAIR" dry shampoos (from super reputable brands) I have tried that did absolutely nothing to my hair, leaving it still looking like a hot ass, oily mess post-spritz. Not cool, man. Or the ones that work wonderfully, but leave my dark hair looking like I have a George Washington-cutting-down-the-ol'-cherry-tree-sporting-wooden-teeth wig on. So when I find a dry shamp that works like a dream, smells like angel armpits (I imagine they smell delightful), and is truly invisible, 'tis a good day.


My only infant-sized gripe about this beautiful goodness? I wish it were a smidge larger, 'cause I'll be using up this can tout suite, with my oily ass.

You can check it out for yourself from Ulta, here.




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Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Tales from the Beauty Crypt: The Worst Things I've Ever Done to Myself, and How to Fix These Disasters

Being a semi-old person has its perks, you guys. I've seen some sh*t, done some sh*t, and learned some sh*t.

via mylifethroughkristenwiig
After literally doing some disgusting and horrific things to myself in the name of beauty, I've wised the eff up and I am bringing those lessons to you. Please, learn the errors of my ways, then make fun of my bullsh*t.

Ghost-Faced Killah
how NOT to have an even skin tone
I've only gotten my makeup done twice in my life. The first time was my Junior year Homecoming dance (my dress was a satin/velvet/ballgown-style hideous disaster as seen above), and when we got the pictures back, like you had to do in the olden days of yore, the bottom half of my face was completely white. The makeup artist had used some kind of powder that reflected light and made me look half like a member of Insane Clown Posse in photographs.


The lesson? Photograph yourself in makeup before your pictures, when it comes to big events in your life, to make sure your face is of a humanoid skin tone. You can also check your makeup in whatever light source (outside, fluorescent, starry nights, I don't know your life) you will be in, to make sure it's on the up and up and you don't look crazy as eff.

Whatever Hair, Don't Care
chokers 4 eva
Let me set the semi-awful scene for you for my terrible hair story: It was the late 90's, and sh*t was tacky as hell. I worked in the mall, so I also got my highlights done at said mall. Then I decided to flip the script on my sh*t and told my mall hair stylist to "do whatever she/he (to protect the guilty) wanted to my hair." The above picture is a grown out version of what I got, which was a short, flippy, 40ish woman's haircut. I was about to start my senior year of high school. F*ck. Needless to say, my senior pictures were so bad that I can't even find any to show your asses, and I spent my senior year with a hair full of bobby pins and a baby ponytail, while desperately trying to grow that sh*t out.

Here's the real real on that story -- even if you don't know exactly what you want to do to your hair, there are exactly 34,984,093,489 things that you can do with haircuts and such, so always at least know WHAT YOU DON'T WANT. Save pictures on your phone, rip sh*t out of Cat Fancy; I don't care, just have some ideas when you go in. Talk to your hair stylist about what you like, and don't like, so you don't end up looking mildly OG Kate Gosselin-esque.

Talons of the Acrylic Variety
how did i put effin' contacts into my eyeballs?
Let's be honest, acrylic nails are pretty much a billboard for how to not have an A-1 beauty day. Sadly, I had long ass (and occasionally short ass) acrylic nails on and off for a billion years of my life. And because I'm cheap and poor, I usually went to relatively low-end nail salons. These were the places that use straight up drills with nail files attached on your natural nail. CLEARLY, THAT SHIT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR NAILS.


I probably shouldn't have to say this, but don't let a b use a drill on your damn nails, like, ever. It will thin your nails, and really, really damage that sh*t. Plus, nails are pretty much the one area that I believe that natural is the way to go.

Am I alone in my terrible foolery of beauty past? Please tell me you guys have done hoodrat sh*t, too.


Don't leave a b hanging, tell me all about it in the comments.





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Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure
This week for Allure, I'll help you "Fake It Till You Make It: How to Create Those Beauty Features You Weren't Born With." Faking sh*t has never looked so good. You can check it here.




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Saturday, July 20, 2013

Weekend Update: Justin Timberlake Totally Got the Color Me Badd Haircut.


I mean, seriously, bro, could you LOOK anymore like this dude? (Chandler Bing voice.)


No, not shoulder-padded-not-really-cute-enough-to-be-in-Milli-Vanili, and not Kenny-G-stole-the-suit-from-The-Mask. Not even Hoops McPosing4mylyfe. I'm talking the Ozzy Obsourne eyewear thief in the back. The only difference is C.M.B. dude's brows are tweezed thinner than Kate Moss' ass in the 90's.

Exhibit B:



I rest my case on that sh*t. And the worst part is, this isn't even JT's most unfortunate haircut.


Never forget.


RIP doucherows and the weirdest rectangular brows I've ever seen.


Peace be with you, Little Orphan Annie hair.


And, of course,  a big l'chaim to the Ellen-with-a-spiral-perm days. I just feel bad for the b*tch that has to hair wrangle the ish of that mop and flat iron and pomade ever piece to death.


Next time, just get "the Rachel," champ.



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Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure
This week for Allure, I delve into ways to Graduate Your Beauty Look. Go check it out and stop boring the sh*t out of yourself when you look in the mirror.



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Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Quick Sh*t: Bradley Cooper's Hair is Trying to Copy Gwen Stefani

Remember when Gwen Stefani had this hair?


And this?


And this?


Now, Bradley Cooper is trying to make this happen:

via buzzfeed
Nope. America as a whole rejects this idea, BC. I asked every single human person. No, I didn't, but I know that they agree.


Hair -- you're doing it wrong, Bradley Cooper.



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