Blogging Note, with a Helping of This Looks Disgusting.

I'm having some womanly issues today, so if my posting is spotty (har har) you'll understand why. And maybe my "condition" (Why do I feel like I'm a 1930's doctor right now? These broads and their hysterics!) is making me feel extra grossed out right now, but I kept seeing this sh*t on Facebook, as a sponsored post, and it was straight up making my ass sick.

via bob evans

Have you guys seen this? It's recipes using Bob Evans' refrigerated mashed potatoes. Most of them looked pretty insane, but this one took the proverbial gross cake. This is the Clubhouse Mashtini, featuring things like: ham, turkey, pickles, and ranch dressing. That sounds nothing short of vomitous to my delicate constitution. 

Not today, Bob Evans. Not today.


Pin It

Annnnd THIS is Why I Can't Deal With Holiday Foolery.

What the hell did I just watch? Why did this have to be filmed two hours from my house? What is happening with Travolta's hair helmet? Does he understand that 50 somethings (or anyone, really) shouldn't be wearing and utilizing chain wallets? Did the soldier guy even know the cop? What grade school Audio/Visual Club shot this video? Should someone tell those children to omit this tragedy from their resume? Since when is doing a jazz square repeatedly considered dancing?

I could ask these questions all damn day.

via logotv

Pin It

What in Eff's Sake ARE THESE THINGS?

via buzzfeed

As the late, great Whitney Houston would say, "Oh hell to the naw!" This is just atrocious. And needless. What are you putting in those pockets, boo? A mini notebook in the back pocket? A piece of gum in that tiny inner pocket? These are truly the devil's jean/boot/flip flop hybrid.

Let's wash our brains with some Kaitlin.



I wanna be GLAMOROUS!


Pin It

Pictures to Peruse While Listening to Jock Jams

Ugh. Remember this disgustingness?

That's a badass b rollin' deep right there.

Oh, No Fear shirts. Never have charm and trash collided in such a way.

Does this even need a caption?

I had this exact crimper. Y'all ready for this?

I had these shoes, too. Flawless. Thanks, Spice Girls.

Get that Guts agrocrag, honey.

Please tell me you guys remember Pumps. Why the eff do we need air to tighten the shoes, again???

Okay, so you should probably listen to grunge for this, but tell me you don't want that earring.

Seriously, why?

Who loves sweaty feet with dirt particles stuck to them?

I once cried because of this show. I was 15.

This is way after Jock Jams, but exactly WHAT THE EFF IS THIS?

Pin It

The Horrible Pitfalls of Coming of Age in the 90's

I turned 18 in the year of 1999, or the year of the partying Prince (or Prince symbol thing at the time) song. I feel like no matter what decade you are a teenager, there is always some super embarrassing/hazardous pictures of your horrid-ness floating around. But because I was a young whippersnapper in the 90's, I had to suffer through a sh*tload of grossness that I did to myself, and now think WTF kind of effery did I do to myself???

#1 Tramp Stamps -- Let's just go ahead and get the worst, most permanent thing out of the way. Not a lot of people (even close friends) know this about me, but I'm putting this mess all on front street for the enjoyment of strangers. Yikes. On my 18th birthday, I got a tramp stamp. And it's a butterfly. ( I EFFING KNOW, YOU GUYS.)

My underwear indentations aren't exactly helping the sitch, either. In my defense, there was no such thing as a tramp stamp in 1999. But children of the world, please take this into consideration. Don't get a tattoo on yo' damn 18th birthday, like a dummy. A butterfly is not cute over a 30 something's ass crack. Mmmmkay?

#2 Horrible Lifelong Photos of Memorable Occasions -- I also had a pretty horrible prom dress, you guys. Crushed velvet leopard print?

Don't forge to rest your eyes on those luxurious, mile-long acrylic nails while you're at it. Not pictured -- a chunky-heeled, strappy, GLITTERED black dress sandal. Hang it up, style queens. You've got nothing on this hotness.

#4 Pubescent Before Flat Irons -- Imagine growing up in the Florida humidity without the invention of flat irons. They didn't come out until I was in friggin' college. AND I had bangs for a large portion of my life.

I look like damn Doris Day or some crap. And let's not even bring up my Donna Martin-esque outfit. I don't even know if I owned a hair dryer at this point in my life. And that's also about the last time I saw my natural hair color.

#5 The "Platinum Playboy" Look Was Cool (to Me) -- I had (white) platinum blonde hair, a dangle belly button ring, and acrylic french manicured nails.

Oh, and a ridiculous amount of crop tops. That's a lot time investment in ab work, people. Probably using an ab roller. And a thigh master worked in, somehow.

What kind of grossness did you guys go through when you were in your teen years? Please tell me it wasn't as horrible as my ish. Impossible.






Pin It

Sheild Your Eyes: The Top 6 Worst Beauty Trends of All Time.

There have been some hot, hot messes of moments in beauty history. Most of them occurred in the 80's or 90's, which means people were photographing the hell out of them. (YES!) I have cultivated a list of the best of the worst, and included pictures of myself rocking these horrors. You. Are. Welcome.

Crimped Hair
Why in the hell were crimpers even invented? Someone please tell me. That ish is disgusting. So someone said, "You know what I want? My hair to look rumpled, frizzy, and fried ALL OVER." And sadly, some b's are still trying to make the all-over crimp happen.

C. Aggs, during her Dee Snyder phase.

Me, in my hot b phase.

Sperm Brows
If you have read this blog even once, you probably know about my unnatural love for eyebrows. So I feel personally affronted when people massacre the hell out of their poor, defenseless brow. I call those puny, over-tweezed eyebrows (or lack thereof), sperm brows. Because they look, well, like a spermatozoa. (Or at lease that's what I learned in 8th grade. I haven't looked at a magnified petri dish, or anything.

I don't know where to rest my eyes, so I'll just pick the sperm brows.

Pam Anderson has been a decades long offender of this crime. Um, I have nothing nice to say. Let's move on.

My own tweezer happy time.

Mine weren't code red on the insane scale or anything, but not great.

Body Glitter
Seriously, you guys. I effing HATE body glitter. Is anything more annoying and gross? That ish gets every-damn-where, and it is just plain ridiculous looking.

Dancing with the BLEEEHS and glitter.

 And in reality, this is what that crap ends up looking like.

Now THIS is gorgeous.

 In my deep, deep quest through the magical forest that is google image searches, I found some wonderful pictures featuring body glitter.

I wish the black bar was over the body glitter, pregnant lady.

I want to slap the sh*t out of this person.

I want to go shower right now. Sorry, I don't have any pictures of myself slathered in glittery gel made by Wet n' Wild. (Duh, that's the kind I had.)

Big Ass Bangs
If you had two hairs to Aquanet together in the 80's, chances are you had bangs that looked like ish. I know that I have roughly 203840392 pictures of myself with big ass bangs, each one more unfortunate than the other. If you weren't alive during this gorgeous trend, let's delve into what this horrible mess actually looked like. (And you shouldn't be reading this terrible blog, young lady/man!)

A typical big ass bang. Hot.

I blame this trend on Step On Me Tanner. EVERYTHING IS HER FAULT.

Yep. Here I am.

OH. MY. GOD.

Like a damn boss, this one.

If you can tear your eyes away from my ribbon, check it.

You are welcome, for all of that.

Chunky Highlights
This trend started in the very early 2000's, and some people are sadly still doing the chunky highlight, to my dismay. The point of a highlight is to get that natural, sun kissed look to the hair. Can we all agree that this mess needs to be put to rest?

Kelly Clarkson, the OG of this trend.

Not good, you guys. Not good.

Brown Lipstick/Lip Liner

I was all up on the dark brown lip in the late 90's. That was my jam. Could anything be MORE unflattering? Let's see: 

Adding a choker's not helping, C-Dog.

My choker's not helping this sitch, either. But those nails are!

The only lip offense worse than the dark brown lipstick is its more horrifying cousin, the brown lip liner.

No wonder Eminem wrote all of those rude ass songs about his wife.

This is seriously what that crap looks like:

Like you just came from a $450,000 crack party.

Now for an added bonus, here are some flawless examples of glamor. Think of it as a little extra beauty credit.

I just met you, and this is crazy...

I don't even know what is happening here.

And I leave you with one final picture of myself, looking like a tiny, tiny 90's Eastern European man. I can't even explain why I ever looked this way.

I am not ready for that jelly. Wow. Please make me feel a little less sh*tty about my beauty journey and post your own beauty messes in the comments.

I hate myself. My shame spiral continues.

Pin It

And Now, for the Creepiest Thing I've Ever Written...

 I have a weird brain. These strange things just pop into my head at times, and I don't know where the eff they come from. If I lived in the 50's I'd probably be forced into having electroshock therapy right now.

The other day, I'm sitting around, and I think, "You know who I'd like to date? Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast."

That's my man.

I mean he's such a gentleman. You know he would be so accommodating. (Be our guest, and all that ish.) And that b is French! He's a butler (or something), so he can clean.

Lumiere is my number one pick of the NON-HUMAN DISNEY CHARACTERS THAT I WOULD LIKE TO DATE. (You can stop reading at any time. I know that there's something wrong with me.) Now before you call the FBI or something, I'm not talking about sexual weird crap. I don't need to be on My Strange Addiction. I'm not in love with the Eiffel Tower or anything. But...

Sexy.

My second pick is the Genie from Aladdin. He can grant you wishes, and has some badass gold bracelets I'd like to borrow. The con? He's voiced by Robin Williams. Um, nevermind. I don't want to date Mrs. Doubtfire...Or do I?

Yep, he's a bird.

My next non-human BF is Scuttle from The Little Mermaid. He's funny, and gives girls shiny presents. Actually, he might be a pimp. Be on alert.

Look at those tassels!

The last dude (?!?) on my list is the Magic Carpet from Aladdin. He can show you the world. Shining, shimmering, splendid. And the b can't talk. Are there any downsides?

Are you guys repulsed by me now? Or do you think that I missed someone (thing)? Please don't say something gross like the Tramp or Pinocchio. I can't even with that mess.



Pin It

Vomitous Info of the Day: Sponsored by Lisa Marie Presley

I'll get right to the nasty (literally). Lisa Marie Presley told Elle Magazine in a recent interview that after she and Michael Jackson divorced in 1996 that they continued to have a...sex...u...al relationship for...four...more years. Ugh, that was hard to get out.

Michael Jackson has always been the absolute LEAST SEXUAL person in the world, to me. Don't believe me? Watch the video above and try to not feel nauseous. I dare you. It's not possible.


Pin It

Aaaaaand I'm Done.

I've had a slight obsession with Hot Stoddy for a while, but sadly it's been tapering off in the past few months. I don't think I can handle this b anymore. I love a hot, hot mess, but this ish is getting to insane levels of gross.

I can't watch this video without feeling like I am complicit in some kind of illegal something or other. And this isn't even close to being the worst.  C Stodd has a YouTube Channel featuring some full-fledged creepy ish. A video of her jumping rope in lingerie and a 'countdown' (Until her 18th Birthday, natch. Bleh.) video in which she moans (Literally.) about her foot hurting are some of the material included. It's all pretty nauseating.

So sorry, Courtney. I'm not going to use the old "It's not you, it's me" thing. It's you and your creepy deal. (Deal = Husband) I wish the best for you, and hope you get placed with a nice foster family soon. One that believes in wearing clothes.



Pin It

I'm on Neighborhood Watch.

Selena Gomez has been filming a movie in my town for the past few weeks, along with ol' Smirks McGee (Government Name: Vanessa Hudgens). I gave not really a crap about this, unless I got to see that b. And alas, I have not. So I pretty much felt like this:

 That is until a couple of days ago, when the plot started to thicken on this ish. That's when I found out that THE BIEBS was here! Staying right down the street from me, at the Vinoy.

I hear that this place is haunted, so I secretly hope that the ghost of Abagail Adams (???) haunted him and he tee-teed in the bed. Fingers crossed! THIS B supposedly spent $18k IN ONE FRIGGIN' NIGHT. Okay, Justin Bieber! I see you! Ridic.

It gets even closer to home for me. Sunday night, these two little love muffins were seen at the sports bar NEXT DOOR to my damn apartment. What the what?

Here's my professional photograph. They obviously have nice garbage receptacles. So here's the haps from my source, who happens to be my radio host friend, Holly. She talked to a waitress over at Ferg's (the lovely bar pictured) that said that Selena and Biebs ALLEGEDLY got a little crunk on purple drank (not literally). They apparently were drinkin' and fightin' like they were on an epi of Teen Mom. The Bieb-ster stormed out after a fight, and later came back to hang more. See? Celebs are just like us!




(That was strictly a recreation, and not really a Justin Bieber video.)

I saw this beauty cruising down the interstate today, and I REALLY hope that those two crazy kids are shacked up inside.

Yes, that is an airbrushed portrait of cuddling white tigers on the back of an RV.

P.S. For some reason every time that I type "Justin Bieber" I almost always type "Justin Beaver." Coincidence? I think not...

Pin It