Great. I'm the Effing Worst, Part 308430984: Justin Bieber Mustache Edition

You b*tches know there are very few things that I hold closer to my heart than hating on Biebs. (Basically, just koalas, unicorns, bacon, and wine.) SO THAT'S WHY I HATE MYSELF. I really, really, really wanted to make fun of Justin Bieber's non-stache today, as seen here:

via huffpo

We can all hash out that shower curtain liner-embellished, brought to you by the letter "Y" shirt at a later date, because here's another picture of the offensive three hairs:

via jb's instagram

And here:

bieb's i.g. again

I mean what IS that??? I had so, so many Kip jokes to make, you guys.

Like, a lot.

And the worst thing, ever, happened.

yep, still stalking the instagram

HE SHAVED THAT STUPID SH*T. AND PUT ON A HAT THAT I F*CKING WANT TO WEAR.

I hate everything.

I need to pet baby stray kittens (after vaccinations) and drink (more) wine.



Pin It

BREAKING NEWS: K Fed Gets Married, Doesn't Look Bad

pic via people mag

You guys might've heard that Kevin Federline married his tall girlfriend over the weekend. (Somewhere, Shar Jackson is PISSED.) All of that is fine and good, I mean he also had a kid with Tally Talls (street name Victoria Prince, which is total 1996 Penthouse Pet name, and I mean that as a sincere complement), so "yay!" for due diligence, or something. But here's the meat and potatoes of the matter -- K FED IS LOOKING AIIIGHT.

pic via people mag

Yes, his hair is very 90's Thom Yorke.

But, considering star-shaped cornrows have been a viable hairstyle choice of his in the past, dude looks good.

Stars are for Lucky Charms, not hair shapes.

And there's a 0% chance of over-sized t-shirts in that b*tch, too, so I'm effing really happy.

But, I am disappointed to not see one of these klassy azz garter/mini dress pictures in the new Federline wedding photo album. (I'm lying. This sh*t was gross and unnecessary for all human and animal eyeballs.)

Bottom line, K Fed is making me feel like he's borderline hot here, with minimal white trash vibe. UPGRADE!

Pin It

(Not So) Breaking News: Donnie Wahlberg Turns Out to Be "The Hot One"

Okay, so I meant to post this sh*t a bunch of days ago, but blah, blah, blah, who cares.

via Donnie Dub's Twitter

I was always a Jordan girl back in the day, but my ass sure isn't afraid to switch teams, because Donnie Dubs is looking real fooooine.

These Wahlberg dudes know know to get that booty work right, don't they?

 

Nice...watch, Mark. I'm pretty sure that this is the hottest elastic-waisted tan shorts can look.

Congratulations on your hotness, Wahlbergs.




Pin It

Weekend Update: Justin Timberlake Totally Got the Color Me Badd Haircut.

I mean, seriously, bro, could you LOOK anymore like this dude? (Chandler Bing voice.)

No, not shoulder-padded-not-really-cute-enough-to-be-in-Milli-Vanili, and not Kenny-G-stole-the-suit-from-The-Mask. Not even Hoops McPosing4mylyfe. I'm talking the Ozzy Obsourne eyewear thief in the back. The only difference is C.M.B. dude's brows are tweezed thinner than Kate Moss' ass in the 90's.

Exhibit B:



I rest my case on that sh*t. And the worst part is, this isn't even JT's most unfortunate haircut.

Never forget.

RIP doucherows and the weirdest rectangular brows I've ever seen.

Peace be with you, Little Orphan Annie hair.

And, of course,  a big l'chaim to the Ellen-with-a-spiral-perm days. I just feel bad for the b*tch that has to hair wrangle the ish of that mop and flat iron and pomade ever piece to death.

Next time, just get "the Rachel," champ.



Pin It

Who Wore Nakey(ish) Best? Celebrity(ish) Chippendale Dudes.

I'm sure you guys have read in my What 90210 Stars Are Doing in 2013 and Beyond newsletter that Steve Sanders (or Ian Ziering, if you're nasty) is doing that whole celebrity guest star Chippendales thing this month.

pic via ny daily news

Can we just take a minute to recognize that S.S. is FORTY EFFING NINE years old? Homeboy is looking real, real nice. I'm not super sold on Stevie's wig game, but I never really have been.

I mean, really.

Seeing Eye-an's Chippie pics made me want to reflect on all of the past (loosely-termed) celebrity guest dancers, and put them ween to ween to see who is the hottest of them all. Let us study the evidence.

First up, Jeremy Jackson, of David Hasselhoff's son on Baywatch fame. (Or of meth/Celebrity Rehab fame, if you're a b*tch, like me.)

Okay, well this is...okay. The little bit that is the "costume" is somewhat wonky and ill-fitting, but I'm grateful that THIS Jeremy Jackson isn't being showcased.

what in avril lavigne fan club president hell is this sh*t?

Or, this one, for that matter.

Well, I just went to prison. Let's move on.

How about the Bachelor's Jake Pavelka?

How about not? Let's skip this one. Close your legs, Pavelka. It's quite unbecoming.

Alright, alright, alright, alright. Now ladies, how about that dude from 98 Degrees? Not one of the Lacheys, not that ONE dude. This guy:

...And his child...also in a child-sized Chippendale outfit...I can't even with this. Fast forward.

There's also Sir Ronald of the house of Jersey Shore.

This looks about as bling-y as expected. Plus, he's doing half-assed finger guns. So, half a point?

What about the father of "Whoa," himself, Joey (Joe? Joseph? I'm not up on the news.) Lawrence?

He looks good, but you know I'm super concerned about that eyebrow sitch. You're waaaay into code orange brow territory, broseph. You're single-handedly keeping waxing places open.

What do you b's think? Who wore the bow tie and weird shirt cuffs best?

If you don't love everything about this, namely Swayze's hair and pant's waist level, then I don't love you.






Pin It

Quick Sh*t Hits

Hey guys, I've been a little distant lately. I've been in a deep, deep Game of Thrones hole, but, sadly, that's over for a year. Since I've been gone, here's what happening.

Henry Cavill has a perfect face and can "Look, Ma, no hands," the eff outta bicycle.



I've had a thing for homeboy since The Tudors, and he sure hasn't gotten any uglier.

Also, Biebs is going to space.

 

If this is the first impressions aliens get of Earthlings, we're all f*cked.

And this happened, too.

via twitter

Listen, Juno, I like your ass, but you can't have my Skar-y.

Lastly, this exists. Goodnight, cruel world.


What's been going on with your asses? And what TV dramzzzz shall I be sucked into next? TALK TO ME.


Pin It

No Doy of the Day: Joe Manganiello is Hot and Muscle-y

Have you mofos noticed an upswing in my True Blood-related posting? I'm gearing up for that sh*t, because, once again, I'll be doing my (totally not) infamous TB recaps. And in that vein (heh), here's Joe Manganiello (whose name I have to google EVERY EFFING TIME for spelling), from the UK edition of Men's Health. Apparently, America is not ready for that jelly.

Well, maybe we aren't. Let's look some more, just for science, and stuff.

Errrm, nope. Not ready.

It certainly is, sir. 'Merica.



JM pics via NY Daily News Pin It

Demi Moore's Boyfriend Has a Pearl Ween.

And I'm not talking about tampons, here, people. This surprised-caveman-looking homeboy is apparently Demi Moore's boyfriend, Will Hanigan. It is not a remake of Brendan Frasier's Caveman, sadly. This is real life.

According to the NY Daily News, dude has a pearl in his wee wee parts because he's a pearl diver, or something:

“He had a pearl inserted in his penis when he was in his late teens,” said a source. “It is pearl farming tradition and he would always joke about it in Australia. He’d boast it’d give girls extra stimulation in the bedroom.”

Can I be real for a minute? I don't even know what the eff that means. I first thought they meant in the hole, but that doesn't even make sense. So like a piercing thing? Who wants to have a weiner o'pearls?

Yep. Totally this dude. I think I can see his pearl in this picture. 

 Not today, pearl pants, not today.




Pin It

BREAKING NEWS: Prince Harry Visits America, Looks Hot.

I've never been one of those hoes that's like, "I LOVE REDHEADS. THEIR GINGERY-NESS IS SOOO SEXY." Actually, my mom is one of those people, and therefore, gross. But I will say that I have, on occasion, thought that ginger dudes are sexy and sh*t. And Prince Harry is a fine ginger specimen, especially considering that I always thought that William would be the hot b*tch. Well, color my ass wrong. PH has been visiting 'Merica the past few days, so here's my virtual Princely ginger stalking round up.

"Round of applause if you like my bangs, guys. And thanks, England, for sending the hot one."

Even this lady business looking curtain is into it.

"America, please calm your ovaries." -PH "We can't." -America

Just how exactly does one apply to be in the British military? I'm asking for a friend.

Doing hot English sh*t. But the horse's tail looks like a Hell's Angel dude's ponytail.

"So then, I says to him...I says, 'If you delete Basketball Wives ONE MORE TIME from the DVR'..."

B's waiting to try to get down on sexy cinnamon spice PH. Homegirl in the sneaks ain't playin'

Bye, Price Harry. Come on back any time, now, ya'hear?

U.S.A.! U.S.A! I'm not packing my bags for England right now, like, at all. (England! England!)


PH pics via USA Today

Pin It