I'm writing this in the dark, with a waning energy source, a full-on sh*tty wifi hotspot, and two insane chihuahua hovering over me because the power is out. Someone send the Geek Squad or Ghostbusters or some ish, cause I am not in the mood. Make sure they have a bottle of wine.
Today we're getting ballsy with a bright lip, because nothing screams, "I have zero effs to give about what your ass thinks," like bold lipstick. Plus, it's easy, and you look like a badass with little effort. MUFE sent me this bright, bold, pink to try, and I fell in love real, real quick. It's the Aqua Rouge formula, so it's one of those long wear deals.
I wore it to lunch today, and it only started coming off when I ate something oily. (Gross, but whatever. It happens.) Say you are going out for little sip of the sauce, or something, this sh*t will stay the eff on like white on rice. (Which is a super annoying saying, because what in the hell does that mean, anyway?) And to remove it, I just use vaseline, or whatever, and wipe it off. No biggie. (RIP, Biggie.)
But listen, I know that this stuff isn't insanely cheap, although I think it's totally worth it, so I also have a drugstore pick for your asses. I picked this stuff up last year at the ol' Mart of the Wal's, and the color is really cool.
You guys are lucky that I love your asses, because I had to go searching for this mess with a gifted Bath and Body Works mini candle on its last legs. I was wandering the damn apartment like I was on mf-ing Sleepy Hollow, or some sh*t. It wasn't not cute.
And there you have your luxe (and cheap) ballsy b's. Now my power time is pretty much up, and I am off to find ways to entertain myself that don't involve electricity, or Lifetime Movie Network.
There's just something about white polish, man. It's so bright and perfect, and weirdly edgy. It makes me feel like a high school kid boredly white out-ing their asses into emo perfection.
cameo by kiki la rue, who won't get the eff out of the shot
But here's the thing about white nail polish -- sh*t's a totally b*tch to get right. It's very often bumpy, and takes friggin' FOR. EV. ER. to dry, so it's usually totally effed within the hour. But I finally got badassery in a bottle this time around with a few tricks. First, you HAVE to use a base coat. I used Bassline from Floss Gloss. I followed it up with a WHITE BASE POLISH, using the base from one of the Revlon Nail Art Neon Nail Enamels. I then used a coat (or two -- can't remember) of whatever white polish you're into. Just make sure it's opaque. Finish it up with a top coat, doy, because you don't want it to look like you used white out FOR REAL, for real. Aaaannnnd scene.
What did you b faces do today? I put Walmart brand Pepto-Bismol all up on my grill. And it looked like this --
What? That's what my face always looks like. Like a beautiful angel. Or like Buster from Arrested Development.
Whatever, same sh*t. But the realness to this is WHY I had Pepto on muh face. You can use it as a face mask for oily skin, to de-gunk and de-grease that mess. I left it on for like 10 or 15 minutes, and after I rinsed my face, that b felt smooth and not oily at all. I guess it makes sense -- it gets rid of the greasy grossies in your tummy, so why wouldn't it work on your mug? Brings a whole new meaning to "Smooth move, ex-lax." (Bleh, that was awful and pun-y. Don't worry, I hate myself.) There are scientific reasons to why this works on your face, but they were too boring to read and I was over it. Word of warning: If you have dry or sensitive skin, don't try this. Oily b's only.
Oh hey, stock file photo. I've been using toothpaste in for non-tooth purposes for 20 years, because I'm old. And old people do things for over 20 years, and then tell you about it. Toothpaste is great for drying up zits, and it's (obviously) super old school. Put this ish on individual bumps (not all over your face) to dry them up over night. Here's the catch: You have to use white toothpaste. (I know, it's racist and rude.) I don't know why this is, it just is.
Like Lindsay Lohan being a delightful hot mess, it's just a fact of life.
Speaking of Lilo (I kid, I kid!), this delightful white powder (baking soda) is pretty much a beauty genie. If you add baking soda to pretty much anything, it becomes more clarifying and a stronger cleanser. I add it to mud/clay face masks to really get into my pores. You can add it to your facial cleanser (every now and then -- don't get effing crazy) for deep cleansing. I really love it to make any shampoo a clarifying shampoo. Just put a little in your hand, add the shamps, and lather your ish.
That's it, yo. Yeah, science! Just don't start improvising, and using BLEACH bleach as hair dye, or whatever. And definitely don't do this crap.
Listen. Nobody feels like spending an eff load of money on crap, when you can get great stuff on the cheap. The problem is, a lot of times with beauty sh*t you really do get what you pay for. But there are couple of really badass products that you can pick up at your favorite low-end retailer (Sorry Target, CVS, wherever the hell.) that work just as well -- if not better -- than that fancy pants mess.
Wait -- why in gorgeous b hair hell did I wait until just now to try L'Oreal Elnett hairspray? And the sad part is, I got this in my Allure Best of Beauty swag, and it's been sitting in my apartment for, like, ever. What a complete douche I am. I've been using a higher-end hairspray for quite a while, and it really worked just fine. But I was digging through all of my sh*t the other day and came across this baby, and decided to see what all of the damn fuss was about. And there is a lot of fuss. This stuff is known as the cheap(er) industry favorite, and hairstylists love it, sometimes on the DL. (That's down low to you youngsters.) So I tried it, and son of a sh*t, it's really awesome. It's the finest-misting hairspray that I've ever used. I was originally a little put off by the whole "extra stronghold" mess, but this stuff is NOT Aquanet. It holds your styling, but is 100% brushable. I AM IN LOVE. GET IT.
Okay, so I didn't realize until just this second that both of my picks come from L'Oreal. I didn't plan that ish. Truth. And I know that I've talked about L'Oreal Voluminous Mascara before, but it should be talked about often -- sh*t's the sh*t. Don't get me wrong, I love the expensive mascara as much as the next shallow gal, but this druggie(store) goodie is pretty much my favorite (or at least top two-ish), regardless of price. This is some ride-or-die b type lash stuff, right here. We're talking full, creamy (bleh), really volumizing mascara. Yaaaaas. Why get all expensive and fancy when that crap's not necessary? Not on my watch, people. Not on my watch.
I feel like if you are a makeup kind of gal (gross, I hate that word), or even if you really aren't, you spend 67% of your beauty product browsing life looking for a badass nude/pinky lipstick that looks like your lips, but a touch sexier. And then when you happen to find one that's friggin' boss as hell, you cross your pinkie toes hoping that sh*t doesn't cost one billion dollars because it's made from diamonds derived from unicorn tears. And let me sidebar for a hot ass minute, while we're on unicorn tears. Look what I saw while perusing the clearance racks of DSW the other day, because I'm a cheap w.
WHAT THE WHAT?
I DESPERATELY wanted to buy these, because hello, there's a mother effin' CRYING UNICORN on them. You'd be insane not to hot glue these on your feet, but because I'm 3/4s elfin, b's were too big on my own unicorn hooves. Life blows, man.
Okay, back to lipstick perfection. I found a great nude/pinky lip, and IT'S A DRUGSTORE BRAND. Go ahead, kiss me now -- with those "your lips but better" lips of yours.
This is Revlon's Super Lustrous Lipstick in Pink Pearl. Ignore the fact that I'm the worst at life, and the top photo makes this mess look purplish. I don't know what the eff my general problem is. So let's take a look at the photo from drugstore.com, where Revlon products are currently buy one, get one half off:
Yup, they clearly are much better at this stuff than I. I am of the pale and yellowish skin tone at the moment, and this stuff is the monkey's banana bread for me. I don't know how it will be on cooler skin tones, but it's pretty neutral, so I would give it a try. You can pick up Revlon, well, pretty much anywheres, people. Try it. SCORE FOR THE CHEAP AND NUDE TEAM!
Sorry, Gossy baby, I had to use that line. I didn't choose the game, the game chose me.
P.S. Can we all go get airbrushed t-shirt (or puffy paint, pick your poison) that read "Cheap n' Nude" and are emblazoned with crying unicorns?
It's only natural. Just because you have roughly two dimes to rub together doesn't mean that you have to shun beauty treatments completely. I've rounded up a few ways that you can still get super grown and sexy, without the extra cash flow.
All Coconut Oil Errthang
I made a tutorial on coconut oil hair masks like a million years ago, and I've learned a few things since then. First off, you don't need to heat that mess up. It's a solid at most room temperatures, and liquifies with heat. There's no need to get out an effin' blow torch, or anything, just scoop the ish into your hands, rub them together a little, and apply it to your dry hair. The rest of the video is still as valid as any other crap that I throw together.
The next part of my coconut oil infogasm is that you can use it for about a billion things. I now also use it for my reg body moisturizer. I also use it to pop popcorn. These two items are completely unrelated. I'm not use how much a jar is, maybe $5 to $10, but that mess lasts forever. Invest. Save your damn pennies.
I know, you used the hell out of this sh*t in middle school. And you might even still use it on your face. If you do, stop that immediately. It will eff up the collagen in you face, because it's just too rough for your face's delicate constitution. BUT it's great for a body scrub, especially if you are a victim of the dreaded backne. And it's so cheap. Get it on BOGO somewhere, and you're set for years. If you want to make it a little more moisturizing, just add a little swig of olive oil.
Homemade Aspirin/Lemon Juice Mask
If you need a little exfoliation for cheap/free if you've got this stuff, I've got the mask for you. This is from the Dr. Oz show, and you know that homeboy knows his stuff. It's based on aspirin, which contains salicylic acid, and lemon, which has a fat ass amount of vitamin c. Both of these things are great for the el skino.
Ingredients:
- non-coated aspirin
- lemon juice
- baking soda
Instructions:
1. Crush up 6-12 non-coated aspirins and combine with freshly squeezed lemon juice.
2. Let the aspirin dissolve until it turns into a paste.
3. Apply the mask to your skin and leave it on for 10 minutes.
4. Remove the face mask by dipping a cotton round in some baking soda and some water.
WARNING: So I just tried this sh*t, and it works just fine, but when I went to remove it with the cotton round with water and baking soda, it burned my skin like a cray cray banana hammock. So, I recommend skipping that part, and just rinsing with water, unless your skin is made from impenetrable steel, or something.
Okay, cheap asses/fellow poor peeps, it's like we're a broke ass beauty parlor up in here! You don't have to look raggedy and crazy, just because we aren't bazillionaires.
Do you guys have any cheap beauty tricks? Share with all of us other poor unfortunate souls!
By this time, if you know ANY effin' THING about me, you know a couple of things: I am an oily, oily ass b, and I love some cheapness. But I really hate when something is cheap and doesn't work. I have a freakin' crap load of junk that falls into that category.
On the oily tip, I feel like I have tried almost every dry shampoo out there. From cheap to expensive, powder that you shake on to spray nonsense, I've tried it all. Back in the day, when my hair was so blonde that it was pretty much white, baby powder was my jam. I mean it's made to absorb moisture. Bam! Done. But now that my hair is dark, that ish is completely out the window. Don't even attempt that mess, you will look like a trashy attempt at a George Washington costume. Not good. Back to the point, I have yet to find a dry shampoo in all of my explorations that really does a bomb ass job. I'm usually served up with a big ol' helping of "meeeeeh," with a large side of still oily hair.
Which brings me to a few weeks ago. One of my friends, who feels my oily/dark hair/every dry shampoo sucks pains let me know that she had found a winner in the dry shampoo. Enter Salon Grafix Invisible Dry Shampoo:
You can buy it pretty much anywhere, from Walmart to Target to Walgreens (or wherever the eff) and it's about $6 or $7. I was pretty "b please" about it before I tried it, because usually these 'invisible' dry shampoos are: a) not invisible, and b) don't friggin' work. But I have to say, I was impressed by this lil' dude. I read some of the low reviews on Amazon, and I have to put this out there -- don't spray it on the ends of your hair if you want your hair to be soft and shiny. SPRAY IT ON YO' ROOTS, PEOPLE. I actually took some before and after pictures of my three day unwashed gross hair. Those of you with a weak stomach, avert your eyes.
Not bad. I wouldn't win even World's Ugliest Dog beauty pageant or anything, but much, much better. One and a half thumbs up! (If you are of normal oily levels, this will be your new b.)
Tampa peeps: This ish sounds amaze, so get all up on it.
I was contacted by a nice young man named Jameson Gardner, who is a beauty professional from LA currently working in Tampa at the salon in Saks 5th Avenue. He has worked for years in hair & makeup (at one time I was a resident makeup artist on American Idol). So, he pretty much sounds like a badass.
He is doing a service in the Tampa Saks 5th Avenue salon called "Back to Blonde," where he takes dark haired ladies to blonde IN ONE DAY! That ish cray. Here are the deets from him:
We do models on Mondays & Tuesdays. As a model you are treated with the same luxury and premium service as full paying clients. Guests are entitled to a cappuccino, complimentary scalp and hand massage and full style and blow dry. We want our models to walk out of Saks 5th Avenue looking and feeling gorgeous. We also want them to tell their friends how awesome the salon is.
The "Back to Blonde" service is time consuming (4-6 hours) so patience is appreciated. A model must be willing to let us photograph them. Their image may be used in our brochures and advertisements. We are willing to perform the service on a naturally dark brunette but we prefer people with color treated hair. There really aren't any limitations as far as the person's age, ethnicity or appearance. All types are encouraged to apply. It's the hair and the process we're most interested in.
The "Back to Blonde" modeling service cost $50.00. Once it is listed on our menu it will have a starting retail price of $300.00. The receptionists blocks me out Mondays & Tuesdays so for this service folks would have to book directly through my email. Just have them send a picture to jamesongardner@gmail.com.
Our stylists are the best and we guarantee impeccable results. But with color treated hair (especially people who have used box colors) the end results can be unpredictable. Results may vary but we will never send anyone home looking bad. Lastly all models MUST be willing to relax and let us lavish them with luxury.
So any Tampa-area ladies that are interested in this boss deal, email Jameson at jamesongardner@gmail.com. And let me be jealous of your ass!
Do you like to be super cheap, but still get good crap? Because I sure do! (Duh!) It's not an ideal combo, because you might end up not getting anything that great...Well ever. (Double duh!) But today is an exception! (Double yay!)
There's currently a sale going on over on UrbanDecay.com, and that ish is at least 50% off. That includes one of my super makeup staples, the Primer Potion. If you have never used UD Primer Potion, listen you cray b (Hey cray b's! Love you!), your world is about to get rocked. Hardcore style. (Gross.) There is NOTHING that makes your eye makeup last longer, or become more vibrant than using PP. NOTHING, I TELL YOU!!!
They haven't changed the formulation or anything, just the packaging. The sale PP is in the older style 'genie bottle'. There are some issues with this packaging (which is I'm sure why they are kiboshing this mess), but don't worry I know how to get around it!
Just when you think that you have used every bit of the Primer Potion, you ain't seen nothin' yet, sweet cheeks. You'll need to take out the wand of the bottle, then grab a big ass knife (It's a technical term). Take the b.a. knife (shortened technical term) and cut all the way through the container. It doesn't really matter where, whatever seems fancy to you. Now that you have cut through, you will see all that goodness that you were about to throw out. You silly ninny! Now take your wand from the bottle and scoop out all of that amazingness and put it in an air-tight container. I used an old eye cream vat. Once again, do what you want. I'm not your mama. (Copyright: Dinosaurs, circa 1992)
Enough about the genie bottle. They have a ton of mess on sale, including eye liner, glittery makeup bags, and even this year's Book of Shadows. And the Book of Shadow is all Jeston-esque and ish. It comes pre-loaded with makeup tutorials and portable speakers. What the what???
Okay, I'm done giving it up for Urban Decay for nothing. But ish is good. Guess I am that kind of girl...
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I have told you b's before that I am cheap. I don't really know why, it's just a thing. And while I will shell out the major dough for stuff that I love, it is always the best EVER to find great beauty products on the cheap. I've shared some of my favorites in the past, but in the past few months I have found some new goodies. Yay! Let's do this ish!
I love this b. This is Sonia Kashuk Hidden Agenda Concealer Set, available at Target for $9.99. Let me tell you, this is the business right hurr. This picture doesn't really reflect the true colors of the concealers, they are lighter in actuality. There are three colors for you to create the perfect shade to match your skin, and the bottom right square is a translucent powder to set what you have concealed! What, what? Are you at Target yet? I also just discovered while writing this that this is an Allure 'Best of Beauty' award winner. So you don't just have to trust my ass!
Next up is L'Oreal EverCreme Cleansing Conditioner, which is like a low-rent version of Wen. I have never used Wen, so I can't compare it directly, but I have used Hair One which is another cleansing conditioner. BTW, just exactly WTF is a 'cleansing conditioner'? It takes the place of your shampoo AND conditioner, and it doesn't strip your hair. Anyway, this ish is fierceness in a bottle. When I tried Hair One I:
Needless to say, I had not so high hopes for the L'Oreal cleansing conditioner. But you know what? It was:
Seriously, try it. It's like $7 at wherever you would like to purchase such items. Score.
Keeping with the L'Oreal love fest, I have a new drugstore mascara obsession. I'm so on L'Oreal's jock right now; I hate when I'm a brand w. So annoying! Anyway, I am really into L'Oreal Voluminous mascara. It's reminiscent of Lancome's Hypnose, which no doy (!!!), L'Oreal and Lancome are owned by the same parent company! Yay for cheap and glorious! This is $7 or $8 depending on if you are a Walmart kind of girl ($7) or a CVS chick ($8, but get them Extra Care Bucks honey boo boo!).
I actually have ANOTHER L'Oreal product that I really like, but I'll save it for later. I'm tired of talking about them. You guys are going to think that I'm on payroll or some ish. Please b, I wish.
Do you guys have any drugstore faves? What are your cheap down ass b's?
I'm cheap, but I like to shop. We know this. Here are some of my favorite items that I have gotten over the past month or so that all rang up for under $20.
I love the drama of a faux fur. And no cute little shmanimals are harmed. Yay! I scored this faux fur vest for $12 thrift.
Speaking of drama, is there anything more dramatic than a cape? Nope, and I want to Sherlock Holmes it up as much a possible. And I got this baby for $20 on sale at Marshall's, thankyouverymuch!
I love stripes. This H&M skirt is super cute layered with tights, socks, boots, the whole shebang and it was FIVE DOLLARS!!!
Lastly, I got this sweet Badgley Mishka belt for $8 thrift. Real leather, and really versatile!
Have you guys scored any good deals lately? What's your favorite way to shop on the cheap?
Yes, I just won an award for the longest blog title ever.
Thanks, Zac. Zack? Zak? Whatever. Back to ol' Old (I'm old) Navy. I went there on Black Friday ( I know, what the eff?!?) and I actually got some stuff I really like. Do you guys remember this?
Duh...Of course you do. I actually got the pants that the ginger is wearing in the commercial, which I can't find on the Old Navy website. Boo!!! But these are similar.
Here I am, greasy, sweatyish hair and all! But the pants are aweeee-some. They are tight and the least jiggly-like of any workout pant that I have ever had. And bonus points that I don't have a weird baggy area around the frontal crotchal area, which I frequently have in workout gear. I had to fold them down, because I'm super ridic short, but they stayed that way while I worked out.
The sports bra is also from Old Navy, and is also pretty bad ass. It's padded, but not in a porny way, in a not nippley kind of way. I also couldn't find this on the website, but they do have it in black (which I also bought).
So I give two sweaty thumbs up to this ish! In fact, I'm buying more. I'm fifty. Fifty years old!
On a recent trip to my parents' house, I discovered a new hippie/fantastic beauty item. My stepsister is very organic/outdoorsy/vegan, and she had left some Dr. Bonner's Peppermint Magic Soap in the shower. My cousin used it, and started freaking out saying how great it was. I didn't get a chance to use it, but when I got back home I decided to get some and see what all of the fuss was about.
I got this huge bottle at Target for $16.99. I originally wanted to use it just as body wash, which I did, and it was awesome. It gives you a minty, clean feeling that makes you feel tingly (not in a gross way). Then, I decided to use it to clean my makeup brushes. Holy ish, you guys! Those b's were the cleanest they have ever been, for serious. At this point, I'm on a Dr. Bronner's Peppermint high! I need to keep going! That's when I came up with my masterpiece...
I mixed the Dr. Bronner's with Burt's Bees Citrus Facial Scrub and Obagi Foaming Gel. I know that this sounds like a crazy hippie/yuppie hybrid with an identity crisis, but I don't give an eff! My face has NEVER felt so soft. This morning, I used the Dr. Bronner's and the Obagi on my Clarisonic brush, and it was ahhhh-mazing, too. (Just watch out for your eyeballs!) I read that the peppermint version isn't good for the sensitive-skinned sisters, so keep that in mind. But they also have milder versions, like lavender.
You can also use this stuff for boring crap like cleaning your house, laundry, and hand soap. Blah, blah, blah. I don't care about any of that. All is know is I love this ish. Dr. Bronner's Peppermint Magic Soap FOR EVA!!!
I got an email from Target today, letting me know that they have a limited time designer collabo with Albertus Swanepoel, who typically makes hats that retail for around $400. I super love the leopard hat here, and the best part is all of the hats are $19.99! What??? Okay, Target. You've snookered me again into wanting some of your bull ish!
Here are a few more that I'm pretty much dying over.
So cute! What do you guys think? Are you "hat girls?" Check out the entire Target collection here.
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Right on the heels of their major collabo with Versace, H&M announced today that they are doing a line inspired by Lisbeth Salander, the main character of the hot book/movie "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." (P.S. If you haven't read that ish yet, what are you waiting for? It's great. Just skim all of the uber-Swedish names and stuff.) Picture dark, bad ass, leather, hoods and stuff. I personally can't wait. This looks hot as hell. And if the H&M doesn't open soon near me (There has been an "Opening Soon" sign nonsense up forever), I might have to shank a b*tch. I bet Lisbeth would totally endorse that action.
We all know by now that I'm cheap as hell. I happened into an Old Navy last weekend, and there was some huge ass sale going on. Full disclosure: I kind of hate Old Navy, typically. I feel like everything is super blah, but that's just me. I'm a b*tch. I prefer to shop at F21, and be three times the age of the average demographic when I purchase my cheap ass wares. To each her own and blah, blah. But I actually picked up some pretty cute boots. They were all at least 50% of, which sounds good to me. I hate to pay a lot for a boot that's kind of trendy, and I'm not going to wear next Fall/Winter season. And all of the following probably meet those criteria. Let me shut the eff up and let's see some cheap crap!
First I got these western-style ankle boots. I paid $14. I mean, that ish is cheap. On the web, all of these are more expensive for some reason, so you might want to check out your local Old Navy.
I also picked up these cute wedge desert boots. I've been looking for a cute desert boot this season, but I need a wedge because, A) I'm short, and B) I'm stumpy. So these fit the bill. Plus. they are gray, which is one of my favorite colors. (BOOOORING!) I paid $18 for these, and once again that is cheaper than posted online.
The last pair I got were these motorcycle boots. I've been wanting this split style boot since I came across these Dolce Vita boots several months ago, and couldn't find my size. These Old Navy's are a super close copy. And for $20, it works for me. A lot of people were bitching in the reviews that there was a split in the side of the boot that flopped over. For me, that is the point, but just be warned if that's not your thing.
So that's my super cheap Old Navy haul! If none of these styles are your bag, go check out everything that they have on sale right now. Good luck, and happy cheap ass shopping!
Edit: I took some terrible pictures of the boots on, so you can get a general idea. My photography is AWFUL. All apologies. (Credit: Nirvana)
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I told you guys a couple of weeks ago about the mineral makeup that I'm into, Everyday Minerals. Well guess what? They just released a new matte formulation for the shiny gals out there, and it's 20% off right now! So let's unite, oily b's, and slide on (Ew!) over to Everyday Minerals and get in on the deal!
