Showing posts with label Celebrities. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Celebrities. Show all posts

Monday, February 3, 2014

Awkward Celebrity Photos: Starring A Fake (???) Brit Brit, Gaga, And Co-Starring Celebrity Dudes

Lady Gaga tweeted this weekend about going to see Brit Brit's Vegas show, and later posted this picture of the two of them (ALLEGEDLY) on her website. But something is really, really weird here...

via littlemonsters.com
I feel like I'm looking at either a) celebrity impersonators, or b) a Britney Spears and Lady Gaga wax figures shoved next to each other. I call shenanigans on what is being called Brit's face. NOPE. This whole picture feels like ten pounds of weirdness shoved into a creepy five pound bag. Go call the guv-nah, because this sh*t is fishier than the Little Mermaid's birthday party guest list.


This isn't even the end of the celebrity strange. Here's the odd combo of Leonardo Dicaprio (in that f*cking HAT), Bradley Cooper (looking straight mid-2000s), and Lenny Kravtiz (wearing a possible choke collar).

via lk's facebook page
This picture is just begging for a game of bang, marry, kill, so shall we? Here's what I'm thinking:
  • Bang -- Leo, because I wouldn't want to live with him. He seems like he would be really particular about where you put his dumb hats and would have a refrigerator filled with only roasted star fruit, or some sh*t.
  • Marry -- Lenny. He's hot, seems pretty cool and non-irritating, except for the fact that he's hanging out with these two.
  • Kill -- Bradley, because I just have a feeling about that homeboy. He always has semi-to-full douche face. And he goes by BRADLEY.

Now you guys play. What are your choices for bang, marry, kill? And is Britney's face looking super un-Brit-Brit-like, or am I insane in the mf-ing membrane (again)?

Tell me all these things.




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Monday, January 27, 2014

Let Us All Collectively Scream, "NOOOOOO," Because Charlize Theron And Sean Penn Are, Like, Really Together.

pic via us weekly
You literally CANNOT tell me that the picture above doesn't look like a scary, sun-weathered hobo abducting a beautiful, unicorn-riding princess. It's actually impossible. Your brain-to-mouth waves won't allow you to live a lie like that.

I've been living in a deep hole (heh) of denial for the past couple of weeks, hoping against hope that the rumblings of these two sitting in a tree were all a big fat lies. But there's no denying that it's true now. Thanks a bunch, US Weekly.


This is terrible news, you guys. If an expired bag of beef jerky, left out in the sun for seven months can find themselves with a stunning alien queen of a human, then what else is possible? I just googled "are monsters real," just to make sure I'm not living in a world that's gone mad. I'm not even the only one wondering. Or maybe it's just opposite day? (month? life?) I can't deal with this world if this is real, real.

via realitytvgifs
Bottoms up, b*tches.




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Monday, January 13, 2014

The Award For The Ho With The Hottest Hair From The Golden Globes Goes To...


JORDAN CATALANO! Or Jared Leto, if you enjoy real people names. Like there was any other lame ass choices available in that vanilla pudding menagerie. Thank you, JJ for bringing bringing light to this lazy ass style from yesteryear. I have worn this hairstyle countless times, most often like this:

EXCUSE MY EFFING BEAUTY
Or, while working on my fitness (Ha! like I do that.), or while cleaning stuff (Ha! yeah, right). Wow, I really need to get my sh*t together.

Let's not get this twisted, though. If Ricky Vasquez popped up at the Globes, I would be doing an at-home perm RIGHT THIS SECOND.


What hairstyle will Leto bring back next? Banana clips? Those tiny, glittery butterfly clips? A bump-it? I'm really voting for these, because they're my sh*t, and it would be great to be able to not have judge-filled eyes resting upon my beautiful hair clip the next time I leave the house (Ha! like I do that, either).


I can't wait to see what majestic hair pieces you plan on bringing next time, Jordy. But until then, work that updo, honey.



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Friday, January 3, 2014

Non-Dick Celebrity News Of The Day: Jennifer Hudson Buys Her Assistant/BFF A House And It's Adorable

Usually I feel like this about in regards to most humans:


It's pretty universal in my world. But then J Hud, the keeper of the amazing pipes, comes along does something super sweet and selfless and makes the rest of the celebrity world look like a big old bag o' d's. As the world's best boss move she bought her assistant, and friend since elementary school, A MF-ING HOUSE for Christmas. This video is him discovering the big reveal.



Well, that is just the cutest thing I've witnessed in a hot minute. The only thing more adorable than that is (maybe) a basket of kittens.



Yeah, that's pretty damn adorable.



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Friday, December 13, 2013

Call the Police! Courtney Stodden Has Brown Head Hairs!

via eonline
Who is this ravishing beaut that looks like she's attending an amateur wigs-that-look-like-a-hair-band-groupie competition??? It's my favorite fetal sex kitten, C. Stodd! She effed with our brains and switched up her hair game by deciding to become a brunette, with extra crimp, pimp. She's also letting her rack breathe and going boob commando. How exciting!

I have to admit, I'm really jealous of Stoddie's baby fawn legs. Mine are like two honey baked hams, so my eyeballs are full of envy and acrylic french tips. But really, this picture of CS is really giving me flavors of this:



If you're worried about the freighting crimp job/creepy colored contacts combo from above, fear not. Just like Doug McOldiepantswhatever, she's not married to that look. Zing! Here's Courtney at the grocery store, looking like a simple and understated lady.

via nydailynews
Nothing says "I'm just picking up a few bags of frozen vegetable medley" like a miniskirt with a zipper that goes all the way up!

via realitytvgifs





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Wednesday, December 11, 2013

BREAKING NEWS: The Biebs Is Probably Still Acting Like A D*ck




Let's not even delve into that sad sack fuzzy wuzzy upper lip situation that JB is once again forcing us to endure. It's not about that right now.



I'm not even trying to deal with these abominations that call themselves pants, that somehow have both Macho Man Randy Savage and Tupac simultaneously rolling over in their graves. (RIP.) Those pants should be on the body of a 43 year old meth cook that was fired from 7-11 for stealing Mountain Dew-flavored Slurpees, not a young buck pop star. But it's not even about the pants.

Nope, Bieber is on my ain't-nothing-but-a-d-thang radar for this story out of Australia, in which he called a girl a "beached whale," among other bullsh*t insults while being a little sh*t and lounging around a hotel pool. From a witness:

"One girl who was gorgeous looking, with long dark hair and would have been about a size 14. Justin looked over at her and said 'What are you, Hawaiian or something?' She said 'No, I'm not'. Then he said 'You look like a beached whale' ... The girl said 'Are you serious' and he said 'You should go on The Biggest Loser.' ... The whole pool deck heard him call this beautiful young girl a beached whale. Everyone heard. And there was silence. It was almost like his security were used to it."


Ummm, excuse me? Those that live in glass houses shaped like bubble gum machines filled with stick-on mustaches should not cast the first stone. That would be like me calling an actual box of garbage a trash heap. Pot/kettle black deal, and all.


You better get your life right, Biebs. One day, you'll be able to grow an actual big boy patch of facial hair, and your shenanigans will be less than cute. Quit acting like a big bag o' d*cks, JB. No brownie with your Kid Cuisine tonight.




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Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Jennifer Love Hewitt Had Her Baby, Named It Something Not Really Annoying, And Kept A Secret. (Hold For Applause)

pic via usweekly
I'm pretty f*cking proud of the Hews, man. Not only did she just pop out that baby child (which is apparently a girl type) yesterday, but she also had a SECRET WEDDING (which, let's be honest, are the only fun kind) AND DIDN'T EFFING TALK ABOUT IT.

This might not sound like a big deal for the average human being, but we're talking about Jennifer Love Hewitt, here. Homegirl can't NOT talk everything that happens to her every damn hot second, so this is insanely huge for her. Plus, I haven't heard about the bedazzled status of her lady loins, so I guess we're on an upswing.


JLH also named her kid Autumn James, which is actually not a horrific name. Because let's be honest, these are some terrible baby naming times happening right now on this planet. From the time that I read this article on BuzzFeed a few weeks ago, crazy baby names have been haunting my brain waves, and it's all due to this picture:
While I'm sure you might think that Nayvie is super adorable while your child wears bows on their head that are bigger than Lichtenstein and glitter tutus, Nayvie is not the name of an adult person that's a tort law attorney. Or a bank teller. Or a pharmacy technician. Or just a 53 year old human. C'mon humanity, let's get it together for the future office workers (or even unemployed people, I don't give an eff) of 2045.

Bottom line? Congrats, J Love. You behaved like an adult with a semi-plan! So...






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Monday, November 25, 2013

If You Only Watch One Internet Video This Week, Make It This One - Seth Rogen And James Franco Recreate That "Bound 2" Kimye Vid

Warning: There's an eff in this, and lots of squinching and man racks. In other words, it's perfect.



This sh*t is absolutely flawless, and I won't eff it up with too much commentary.


You win, boys. You win.





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8 Times The AMAs Made Me Realize I'm Too Effing Old For Pop Culture

I don't know if you guys peeped the scene of the American Music Awards last night, but I did, and I noticed that something f*cking terrible happened. No, not Pitbull's boring ass, dry toast hosting skills. I'm talking about the realization that I'm getting friggin' old. These are the moments of clarity that lead me to this sad sack conclusion. (I'm sure I have very few moments of clarity before my mind starts to go, so let's cherish this time together.)


 #1 -- I was all, "Damn, Fall Out Boy got old, " then realized that some of them are younger than my ass. I need to check Craig's List for a hyperbaric chamber.


#2 -- This One Direction dude's hair. No really, what the eff is happening on this guy's head? Insanity, or I'm just elderly, that's what.


#3 -- Man tunics. Jesus, take the wheel.


#4 --WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE?


My eyeballs have never rested upon any of these humans before, and it might be time for me to retire.




#5 -- Rihanna was wearing the same accessory sh*t that I was wearing in 1997. Shout out to Contempo Casuals.


#6 -- Lady Gaga's performance only made me feel like I was watching "Trapped In The Closet, Part 374: Politico Edition."


#7 -- I totally related to OG members of TLC. My knees and back are struggling now, too, y'all. Poor T-Boz and Chili's dancing consisted mostly of glorified walking with some light hand clapping. My suggestion? Get rid of Lil' Mama and bring in Betty White in Left Eye's place. You guys will look young and flexible as hell.


#8 -- My favorite performer of the night was a CGI cat crying diamond tears into a spider web. And for the record, I totally would have scooped up that two-piece leotard if I made a cat dancing workout video in 1992.


P.S. If flared(ish) capri pants are making a comeback, I'm not sure I can be of this planet anymore.

via ny daily news



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Monday, November 18, 2013

Shut The Hell Up News O' The Day: Maddox Jolie-Pitt Is Way Grown Up And We're All Old.

Hey guys, remember Maddox Jolie-Pitt?


Here's how I remember him, in all his highlighted, mohawk-haired glory. So cute and 5-ish! (Maybe, I don't know how old kids are...ever.) Well, get your damn granny panties on, because homeboy is, like, 25 now.

pic via huffington post
Okay, so he's 12, BUT STILL. How did I not know this? I feel like I've been Rip van Winkle-d. Is Suri Cruise driving now? Did Shiloh get her Master's in Aerospace? If Blue Ivy is doing bachelorette booze cruises already, I quit this planet.


Okay, I guess I'll go wine and dine myself into feeling like less of a dumb dumb old.



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Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Sh*t Courtney Stodden Can Do Now That She's Single

As you may have read in my C Stodd-themed fan fiction entitled, "Dourtney Does Dallas," Courtney Stodden and Doug Whatever (I can't be bothered to google) are getting divorced. While this is a huge hit to those that believe in fairy tale love stories, this opens up (heh) Stoddie to a whole new world (of weens) of experiences as a single homegirl. Here are a few things she can now try on her path to being forever alone.

Dance to "Single Ladies" at her high school friends' weddings. Boo boo is DAMN 19 YEARS OLD, so she has roughly 20 more years of attending friends/acquaintances/dude that works at the neighborhood gas station's weddings. Time to get the Beyoncé hand flip perfected, honey.



She and this baby are roughly the same age, so this seems like kismet. I smell a collabo!

Double date with Kris Jenner or whatever newly divorced Housewife of Somewhere. The Stodd-ster LOVES the media, so it seems like this sh*t would go hand in Sadsville hand. Is Taylor from RHOBH still single? Danielle Staub?


I know, I went too f*cking far when I brought up the likes of Danielle Staub.

Make even better music videos. Now that she's single, CD can focus on important sh*t, like making her top-notch music videos that feature things such as:


Sexy candy shots on a nightstand!


Pharaohs!

These things are all fantastic, but you should always strive for more, so I'm hoping that future Stodden-ton vids go more in this direction:


via reddit

So topical and accessorized, sprinkled with near nip slips and white pantyhose! I think we should all pitch in and get Court a gift certificate for keyboard lessons for her Divorce Party, that she's sure to throw herself.


Love is a lie. RIP.








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Wednesday, October 2, 2013

SONOFAB*TCH, Miley Cyrus, This Time You've Gone Too Far.


There's a line that just can't be crossed in life, you guys. I semi-defended My Cy after the VMAs when everyone was giving her sh*t, because she's a young buck and we've all been there. But her latest nonsensery HAS GONE TOO DAMN FAR.

E Online has some quotes from Miley's Rolling Stone interview, in which SHE TALKED MAD SH*T ABOUT BREAKING BAD, the best show that has ever graced eyeballs in eyeball history.


Listen to this crap:

"Breaking Bad I just got into, but I haven't been able to keep up with it as much. There's just a lot of him coughing. I'm in the first season, and the coughing is driving me crazy."

"Like, we get it. You're dying. Do you really need a whole two-minute scene of another cough attack? It's too much. In every bad situation, how does he get out? He just starts coughing."


Ummmm, what? Listen, Miley, homeboy('s character) HAS CANCER. I'm sorry that his coughing is too offensive to your sensitive eardrums. That sh*t is straight rude. Get it together, boo.


See if I ever give you a hall pass for acting a trash bag again. Walter White 4 EVA, mofo.




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Thursday, September 26, 2013

Zach Galifianakis is Skinny; Spanks Justin Bieber.

I don't know, you guys. I'm not sure that I can get down with this new waifish Zachy G. It just feels weird to me.


But you know what doesn't feel weird to me? Baby Biebs being spanked (in a completely nonsexual manner) with a belt.



Bieber's blouse is an inch or two and a stiff tug away from Flashdance territory.


Hot. Also, I will not rest until JB stops trying to act in ANYTHING. It's bad. Real bad.


I see you, Bieber.







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Friday, September 20, 2013

My "I'm Just Not That Into You" Celebrity Moments of the Week

Listen, I know that I hate just about everything, but there was a hell of a lot of sh*tty nonsense going on this week.


YOU GUYS. JT and JB showed up to premiere of that terrible looking Timberlake/Affleck movie wearing matching suits. I'm pretty sure that Biel is Single White Female-ing JT and Benadryled him into wearing this mess. I mean look at those hazy ass eyes. Something ain't right. I need to see receipts!



Ready for the ultimate day ruiner? Baby Biebs is now a shirtless/tie-dyed tank dress wearing rapper. I really can't even with this b*tch anymore. I don't want to hear any song that involves penises and Bieber-related things, like, ever.


 The likelihood that I might vomit is currently strong to quite strong.



Speaking of vomitous information you can't use, here is the state of Gwyneth Paltrow's pubic area.


Nope.

And speaking of Gwynnie, when the f*ck did Brad Pitt turn into Robert Redford?


I mean, Robert Redford is hot and everything, but Jesus take the wheel -- I'm not ready for that jelly. That means all of our asses are old.


And in my favorite news of the week:

via daily mail
C Stodd got turnt the eff up so much that she broke off the control knob. Bruises be damned and everything.


Homegirl got crunk as hell in London the other night, and I strongly suggest that you check out all the pics over at The Daily Mail.


Happy weekend, if you get one of those. Celebrities, carry on with the grossery. I can't wait.



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