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Showing posts with label 90's. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 90's. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

An Introspective Look (HAHAHA, YEAH RIGHT) At The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story


We open on throngs of screaming kids (Jesus, take the wheel) at a SBTB probable mall appearance in 1990. It's the height of the kids' popularity, and bitches be wilding, et al. "But it wasn't always this way," Screech ruminates, and we go back TWO WHOLE YEARS to see the rocky start.

Right from the jump off we learn that this is Screech's (okay, Dustin Diamond, complete birth name) story. Well, kind of. He's apparently an executive producer, but didn't contribute to the script. Or the production. This shit is way #unauthorized. And jankety.

We learn that the OG show was called Good Morning, Miss Bliss, because HELLO, IT'S HAYLEY MF-ING MILLS. Google that shit if you're too young to pick up what I'm throwing down. Blah, blah, blah, it gets cancelled and morphs into Saved by the Bell. My favorite part during this "act" was the total shade thrown at Jennie Garth, who was up for the Kelly Kapowski part. The show biz-y mofo's were all, "We can do better." HAHAHA. Take that, Kelly Taylor!


The kids are doing their boring homeschool, or whatever you call on-set learin' times, and we get to see Slater wearing all of THIS. We also get to see Zach (Zack?) dying his roots. I feel you, bro.

The big wigs tell the kids that the ratings suck a fat one. But don't worry, the ratings are amazing in the next scene! Wowee wowee wow!


Now we're back to the opening scene, where girls are literally ripping the shirt from Zach(k)'s tiny body. Is this nip pic illegal? Also, everyone in this movies seems super Canadian.

We next see Screech going through such tough times as: not getting groupie strange and the wardrobe lady saying, "I hate working with kids!" Ruff. This all leads to daydreams comprised of whatever the eff this is:

via lifetime tv tumblr
Mark-Paul Z likes Lisa/Lark, but she's a Jehovah's Witness, so she can't go on dates. But then Tiffani-Amber and Mark-Paul (Yeezus, with all of the damn names) have to kiss, and they maybe like doing it, or something. Unclear.


I 100% had that shirt in 1993. I'm talking about Mark-Paul's. Why is this my life?

Everyone starts hating Screech/Dustin's ass because he laughed at Jessie/Elizabeth's hilarious "I'm so excited...I'm so...scared," pill scene, so he goes on a garbage-can-kicking/drinking-straight-vodka-from-a-flask binge. Sacre bleu! (Remind me to tell you the story of me throwing up in the yard of a party after drinking a water bottle filled with vodka at 16. It was a straight horror movie. You've got to come harder than that, Screech/Dustin.)


Then Screech/Dustin allegedly punches out this kid, which I can 100% guarantee did not happen IRL. He also does karate and drinks from a flask again. Where the shit does a 16 year old kid get a flask? I don't even have a flask and I'm a grown ass woman. Do I need a flask? Is that what the kids are doing these days?

All the kids are doing press tours, and poor Screech/Dustin has to go to Spartanburg, SC (NC?). NOT PARIS, USA. He again drinks from the flask, which may or may not have a dragon on it. It might be a yin yang symbol. Again, unclear. He also tells his dad that he got laid. Guh-ross, amirite?

Everything starts going crazy (in the most tame way possible). Jessie and Kelly quit, and Screech/Dustin starts taking the marijuanas. THE GATEWAY DRUG. After being a total druggy, Screech/Dustin get blackmailed over a video of him smoking pot. I mean, how much can one person take?!?


Finally, the children all graduate and we can put this shitshow to bed. This was the least scandalous unauthorized form of anything that I've ever seen. I was 0.000000% shocked by anything. Good job not being terrible kids, I guess?


Did you watch this mess? What did you think?




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Wednesday, August 13, 2014

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-Themed Video Roundup That You've Always (Never) Wanted

Did you go see the TMNT movie this weekend? I didn't, because I'm a grown ass woman and too old for that shit. But because of the release, there have been a plethora of ninja turtle-related videos being passed around like a tray of the cheesiest of cheesy hors d'oeuvres.

Let's dive right in, first with some live action (action) from the OG-ish turtles on Oprah's show. Get ready for a cheese-splosion.



This is from 1990, but if you said it was from 1890, I'd be inclined to believe you. Damn, technology, you've come a long way in...almost 25 years. Shit, I'm old.

This whole bit looked like a rejected skit from Chuck E Cheese. The kids' faces in the audience spoke volumes.


They're like, "I'm only here because my mom wanted to take a day off work. I wish I was in computer lab playing Oregon Trail. This is some straight bullshit."

This entire video gave me adjacent-embarrassment issues. Oprah, you've come a long way, baby. And one of those guys in the turtle suits (sorry, did I ruin the illusion?) went on the be Brad Pitt. (No, he didn't.)

Speaking of embarrassment, poor Vanilla Ice.



Not only is he starring in a Kraft Macaroni & Cheese commercial, he's playing himself as a current-day stock boy. On one hand, I feel like I wrote this commercial. On the other, times are tough. If this is Ice's real life situation, hook me up with a job, bro. I'll bring in my resume.

With VI's "Go, Ninja, go" moment in mind, let's watch the most adorable TMNT video that's ever been made.



If the real movies contained buckets of fat and sleepy pugs, I would be there on MF-ing opening night. With a jumbo popcorn and Twizzler straw for my drink.

me, trying to get the last piece of popcorn
You're welcome for inserting "Go, Ninja, go, Ninja, go," deeeeply into your brain areas. Send your hate mail directly to me c/o Vanilla Ice, because he'll probably be my shift manager at my new job.




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Thursday, July 31, 2014

A Video Roundup Version Of Chicken Soup For The Soul

You know I'm a sucka ass sucka for videos. But I don't want to watch some "Gangnam Style" bullshit, I want to see things that soothe my soul. With this in mind, I have compiled some of my favorite videos that I have come across in the past couple days, in hopes that they will bring comfort and joy to you and yours.

DMX on a Slingshot



WARNING: NSFW LANGUAGE LIKE WOAH. This is DMX. Don't go bumping this as you walk into your boss' office with a boombox on your shoulder. (I don't know your work environment, but it sounds super-cool.)

I do have some questions and/or ponderings about this video. Is DMX using the audio from this as an intro to a new song? I feel like he's putting on a bit of a show here. You know that he's not sitting at home, binge-watching Game of Thrones, and barking like a dog. He's eating Twizzlers and popcorn, and drinking wine slushies like the rest of us. Stop playing, Mr. X. #celebritiesarejustlikeus

Paranormal Pugtivity



I don't even really have anything that I can add to this. No comments or embellishments are needed on perfection. Play on, player.

This Person Dancing



I literally have zero information about the circumstances in which this video was shot, but I don't even really need to know. This girl is flawless. She clearly enjoys pumping up the jam, so you best take several steps back. I just really hope that she's on a good glucosamine and chondroitin supplement. I'm concerned about the health of her shoulder joints.

Happy Thursay, mofos.


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Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Mug Makeover: Clueless (Cher Horowitz) Edition


I blame the friggin' "Fancy" video. For everything, really, but especially for re-resurrecting (yep, not a word) my Cher Horowitz beauty infatuation. I even wrote about this bangin' cinematic moment briefly in this Allure post, but that couldn't satiate my Clueless hunger.


So I decided that I really had no choice but to do a Mug Makeover for my favorite CH moment. Bonus points for the fact that it's super-easy to duplicate.

P.S. CLUELESS IS ON MF-ING NETFLIX, YOU GUYS, GET EXCITED.


The first step is to apply a nude/light brown matte eyeshadow to your lids. I used "Naked" from Urban Decay.


Next you'll want to line your upper waterline with a waterproof black liner (I used UD 24/7 Eye Pencil in "Zero") to make you look like you've got one billion lashes without mimicking Taylor Momsen's eyeliner habit. Because this eyeball look is trés natural, we're swapping out the black liner for brown (like MUFE Aqua Eyes liner in "Matte Brown") when it comes to lining your upper lid. Let the bottom lid go completely sans liner, then mascara away. I only did one coat (and a half), because Cher's makeup isn't very lash-centric.


For brows, I only defined the tail with Anastasia Dipbrow Pomade in "Dark Brown." I also tried to make my brows a slightly straighter shape because, doy, that's what Cher has going on.


Throw on some bright pink blush (like MAC Blush in "Dollymix"). Go for something bright and girly with the world's tiniest touch of shimmer. TINIEST.


Finish your face with a solid nude lip. I started with a matte lipstick (Wet n Wild MegaLast in "Bare it All"), then topped it of with a shiny nude 'stick (L'Oreal Colour Riche Caress Stick in "Sheer Linen"). The idea is to have a decent amount of lip color with a touch of shine.





Okay, your face is done and you're a total Betty, but now let's tackle that mop. Start by straightening your hair, turning it under at the ends like you're doing "the Rachel" -- the later years. Then pull your hair into a really high ponytail, but don't make it too tight and pull it slightly to one side.

Grab a pen (or rat tail comb, if you're fancy), and pull out the section of hair close to your forehead a little. Then pull out some of the hairs around your face to make it grown and sexy. And messy.

If your pony needs a little more oomph, you can put a clip inside the back of your 'tail. It's like a little hair bra. You know -- it supports that shit and pushes it up.


That's the end! Your you-to-Clue(less) Mug Makeover is complete. Enjoy your new life as a rich, 90s, Beverly Hills teenager. I'll just be over here going about my life trying to not be a full-on Monet.

P.P.S. Why did this electronic Fashion Plates fabulous-ity never become a thing? You're boring, technology.



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Sunday, April 13, 2014

Nick Carter Gets Married, Looks...Different.

pic via intouch
Apparently Nick Carter (of Backstreet Boys, you animal!) married this person yesterday. Is that what they wore to their wedding? Or was this some kind of paid-after-wedding-club-appearance? Oh, who gives a shit. We've got bigger fish to fry...Like Nicky's face happenings.

Listen, we're all getting to be old mofos. NC and I are about the same age, so I feel you, dude. But it's not even that he's looking decrepit in the mug, so much, just different. Like Ryan Seacrest and an attractive, yet hairless, cartoon wolverine had a baby.


Also, what kind of insane in the membrane bitch am I that I'm really irritated by the cake? The "Nick" should be on the black part and the "Lauren" should be on the pink, and they should be standing on their respective sides. GET YOUR DAMN LIVES TOGETHER. Unless...it shouldn't? I fancy myself a progressive person. Do whatever, Backstreet Boys alums. I can't be bothered.



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Friday, March 28, 2014

Aubrey Plaza Makes Us All Want Ring Pops To Add Life Drama


Ring Pop! - watch more funny videos

This video really has everything that I need in life: Aubrey Plaza's unconventionally dark weirdness, rock candy masquerading as crack rock, love triangles, and fanny packs. It's Ring Pop-levels of perfect.


I want THEM ALL.





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Saturday, March 15, 2014

Get That 90s Beauty Vibe, In Completely A Non-Tragic Way

They say, whoever the hell "they" are (Illuminati?), that fashion and beauty trends are cyclical, and everything comes back after about 20 years. That means we're smack dab in the middle of the 90s again. I've totally been there and done that, in middle and high school, and it was all terrifyingly terrible. With those feelings in mind, I've taken these boomeranged 90s beauty trends and given them a slightly modern tweak, so I can avoid flashbacks of the most awkward time in my life. Now I will be able to continue living like a friggin' human being, for the most part, without having to listen to a "Jock Jams" compilation album on repeat.

Chocolate Rain Nails


Yes, I used a "Chocolate Rain" reference in 2014. I know not what I do. The bad mofos at Floss Gloss sent me a sample of Blood, Suede & Tears a while back, and I have never gotten around to using it until now. There's a reason for my madness -- I have deep-seated issues with chocolate brown nail polish. It was my polish du jour (for every jour) in high school, so I'm almost still burned out on it. Like the Celine Dion Titanic song. It's all still filed under "too soon" in my brain.


But then I actually TRIED this polish, and it's pretty damn boss. I decided to top it off with my OPI Matte Top Coat to give it a more leathery look, and it looks 0% like my high school nails, but still has a hint of that 90s vibe. IN YOUR FACE, 1998!

Brows to the Max

my down ass brow pencil and well-loved anastasia brow powder
Okay, so maybe the 80s are the most known decade for big ass brows, but I refuse to think about sperm-y eyebrows of the mid to late 90s. I can't. I'm talking those lush-to-death Linda Evangelista brows that just won't quit. Those things are bad boys for life. (You know Puffy's going to try to sue me now.)


The biggest, boldest brows are built in two steps. (And in a day. Take that, Rome!) First, create the shape of the brows you want with an eyebrow pencil that's a couple of shades lighter than your hair color. Because this is the part that really shows on your skin, and doesn't stick to your hair, you don't want the pencil to be dark and super obvious. After you've penciled up, fill-in the stencil you've created with a slightly-darker-than-your-hair brow powder. Always follow the direction of the hair growth of your brows, to keep them looking natural and non-tattoo-like. Viva la bushy brows!

Kate Moss-esque Zero Effs Grunge Hair


The queen of 90s-I-don't-even-care-about-anything-I-just-happen-to-be-hot-and-my-boyfriend-is-Johnny-Depp hair is obviously Kate Moss. I mean, look at this picture. It's so meta 90s that you want to scoff your a-hole off. And Kate's like, "Wheeee! I just woke up this way! Next to Johnny mf-ing Depp in his sexy prime! I have quirky and adorable teeth! I kind of paved the way for Kirsten Dunst! I never got a thank you letter for that, but I'll let it go! Frozen! Adele Dazim! Isn't my hair so damn recklessly fabulous?"


Here's the best thing about this 90s hair resurgence: it's perfect for lazies. It really looks best with air-dried, messy hair, and this takes almost zero effort. And, really, second-day hair works even better, if you can stand it. I usually can't do second-day hair sans chapeau (thanks, seven years of French) but I treated my slightly oily hair here with the Jonathan Dry Dirt spray, which I was given a sample of, to sop up a little grease and add some texture and volume. My non-blow dried hair is limp as the limpest noodle (insert your own dirty joke, freak-a-leeks), so I've been using Dry Dirt on the daily, and it's the perfect mix of texture with a teensy bit of hold. The cherry on the 90s hair cake (that's disgusting) is a deep side part, so part it up. Okay, where's Johnny Depp? Side note -- how often do you think JD washes his hair? Twice a month, tops, I bet.

Gloom n' Doom Lips


Remember, like, seven paragraphs ago when I told you I was almost irreparably damaged in my beauty brain by my own brown nail history? I pretty much felt the same way about dark lips, man. As you can see by Exhibit A above, I really favored dark brown lips in my teenaged years. So when the dark lipped trend recently bared it's beautifully monstrous head again, I had to find a way to flip the script to let the darkness back into my life, without feeling like I was participating in a horrible Freaky Friday-like experiment.

I achieved this by pretty much living and dying by this picture of Lily Collins when it comes to dark n' lovely lips. Instead of a brown-ish based lip, I favor deep reddish burgundy, like Urban Decay Revolution Lipstick in Shame. For maximum impact, I keep the rest of my mug relatively on the down low and let my lips do the talking. It's like my old school brown lip game, with a new school twist. As for my choker collection, it's been put out to pasture. Sorry, world, I'm not ready.




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Friday, January 31, 2014

10 Fierce Hair Times in Beverly Hills, 90210 History

Real talk -- I formed roughly 99.9% of my opinions in life from watching Beverly Hills, 90210. There are so many amazingly horrible things to soak up from the ten years of that show, that I could fill an entire blog with all of the wonders of that world.


One of the best and worst things about 90210? THE HAIR. Now, click through so we can talk about all of the glory and the madness that made up the best moments in 90210 hair history.


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Friday, January 24, 2014

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

pic via allure
I've got some new new going with Allure: slideshows! Here's my first one, and it involves boss books from our youth and the bad b*tch beauty looks that they inspire. It's entitled "Beauty Book Club: Inspiration From Your Favorite Childhood Reads," and you can check that sh*t here.



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Thursday, January 23, 2014

Sh*t That Was Unequivocally The Worst About The 90s

Oh, the 90s, you really were the devil's playground, filled with so many treasures like chokers and Paula Poundstone suits, and then also bringing the pain with some truly awful trash. I feel like this era of life has just recently exited the "too soon" category, and I'm now free to trash talk at will. With that in mind, I present to you the WORST crap that the 90s ever served up.

#1 -- Running Out of Free AOL Hours

I don't know what kind of bullsh*t this picture is talking about, but in my day (yes, I'm one of those people now), AOL's stingy ass only shelled out ten free hours a month. Then you then spent twice as many hours dialing up to get online, followed by yelling at your mom when she picked up the phone to call her friend Mary and ruining your teen chat room game. And just when you were REALLY getting into talking to that boy from Tacoma, Washington about his favorite show on TGIF, the AOL hours rug got pulled out right from under your a-hole and your dumb ten hours were up. Your days were then filled with checking the mail on a pretty constant basis, praying to Andrew Keegan that more hours were on their way. (P.S. This is a 100% factual account of my life.)


Level of Terrible-ness: Not being able to get your Capri-Sun straw in the hole on the first time and bending the pointy part on the end, rendering it useless.

#2 -- 3D Magic Eye Posters
These friggin' things, man. They were everywhere you looked, from your Language Arts teacher's desk next to the "Hang in There" kitten poster, to your grandparents' living room wall. My grandparents had one of the Statue of Liberty. They weren't recent immigrants, thankful to be under the watchful eye of Lady Liberty, or anything, they were just from Alabama.

The worst thing about the Magic Eye posters were you had to half-cross your eyes to even catch a glimpse of whatever bullsh*t thing that was supposed to pop out, pretty much guaranteeing strained eyes and an instant headache. Plus, there was always that nagging little voice in your head saying, "You know that your eyes might get stuck that way." If I acquired permanent eyeball damage from looking at an effing 3D poster when I was 11, I would rage against this world.


Level of Terrible-ness: Finishing a Mad Libs book without ever writing "penis."

#3 -- Crystal Pepsi

Just kidding! That sh*t was the truth.


Level of Terrible-ness: The Spice Girls movie.

#4 -- Eyebrow Shenanigans
cuts on cuts on cuts
where'd your brows go, drew?
This decade was straight AWFUL on eyebrows. We were coming off of a decade where we laid our eyes upon beautiful brows like the ones that graced Brooke Shield's mug, and plunged right into the depths of fiery eyebrow hell. Trust, hell would be filled with sh*tty eyebrows. The 90s were chock full o' nuts doing dumb crap to their brows, from partially shaving them to tweezing them into shapes much, much smaller than a wee newborn's eyebrow. Nope.


Level of Terrible-ness: Umbro butt.

#5 -- The Macarena

Do I even need to say anything about this travesty of both music and loosely-termed "dance?" Between The Macarena and anything that came out of Lou Bega's mouth, this time period in pop music was really a rude ass assault on everyone's ear holes. Seeing the general public from toddlers to walker-bound elderly doing this damn dance for years on years is something that can't be unseen. I'm still not over it.


 Level of Terrible-ness: My mom singing along to Boyz II Men's hit song "I'll Make Love to You," which was one of the three cassette tapes that she owned, and forcing those awkward ass lyrics upon my pre-teen ears on every damn car trip to the grocery store.

#6 -- Pre-Flat Iron Hair Styling

Hair in the 90s was really pretty bad. Having BANGS before the new millennium was damn near impossible. My bangs would just curl up after three and a half minutes, and you could just call that sh*t a day. The other option was to curl your horrid bangs with a big curling iron, then spray the hell out of them with White Rain hairspray, leaving you with what appeared to be a Little Debbie Swiss Roll glued to your forehead. HOW DID WE LIVE BACK THEN?


 Level of Terrible-ness: I mean, look at my ass. It's all a big ol' piece of sh*t, so take your pick.

Thank you, decade of the 90s, for giving me the fortitude to make it through the tough times. I'll never forget you, mostly because you scarred me for life.






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Friday, January 17, 2014

GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Kris Jenner, For Ruining One Of My Favorite Songs Of All Time


My fave new rap group @nicolerichie @KrisJenner
Jan 15, 2014| Source: Keek.com

Mother of a b, Kris Jenner, is nothing sacred in this world? Never mind, I think that we already know your answer to that sh*t. Even Nicole Richie's presence in this video couldn't elevate it beyond terrible-to-quite-terrible levels, because Kris Jenner is attempting to rap one of the greatest songs of all historical times and completely effs it up. Salt-N-Pepa's "Shoop" is pretty much a hymn for me, and now it's ALL JUST RUINED!


I have a rich, deep history with this song, so spin it for me one more time, Spinderella, and it goes like this: When I was in middle school, I had the CD/cassette of "Shoop," and I listened to it every damn day on my Disc/Walkman (I can't remember which of these this was...it was the early 90s) as I rode the bus on the way to school. I then started writing the lyrics to the song so I could memorize them, which I did, and I STILL KNOW ALL OF THEM TO THIS DAY. So, the moral of the story? Kris Jenner just ruined my childhood. Thanks a bunch.


No, seriously, I bought some chips today and I can't stop thinking about them. I'm going to shove all of them into my mouth hole.





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Monday, January 13, 2014

The Award For The Ho With The Hottest Hair From The Golden Globes Goes To...


JORDAN CATALANO! Or Jared Leto, if you enjoy real people names. Like there was any other lame ass choices available in that vanilla pudding menagerie. Thank you, JJ for bringing bringing light to this lazy ass style from yesteryear. I have worn this hairstyle countless times, most often like this:

EXCUSE MY EFFING BEAUTY
Or, while working on my fitness (Ha! like I do that.), or while cleaning stuff (Ha! yeah, right). Wow, I really need to get my sh*t together.

Let's not get this twisted, though. If Ricky Vasquez popped up at the Globes, I would be doing an at-home perm RIGHT THIS SECOND.


What hairstyle will Leto bring back next? Banana clips? Those tiny, glittery butterfly clips? A bump-it? I'm really voting for these, because they're my sh*t, and it would be great to be able to not have judge-filled eyes resting upon my beautiful hair clip the next time I leave the house (Ha! like I do that, either).


I can't wait to see what majestic hair pieces you plan on bringing next time, Jordy. But until then, work that updo, honey.



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