Showing posts with label 90's. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 90's. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Old People, These Celebrity Happenings Are For You.

You guys remember Corey Feldman, right?

80s chauffeur meets sexy airline pilot chic
Yep, that Corey. He apparently has a new music video, called "Ascension Millennium," in which he looks to be reprising his role in The Lost Boys, because homeboy is looking undead lite. Keep eating those pancakes and maybe up your Flintstones Vitamins intake, boss, because you are looking a bit like a tepid glass of tap water. I feel concern in my cold, dead heart.


via fishwrapper

I am feeling those baby gloves, though. I just wish that Corey's music video made me get more of this kind of vibe from The Lost Boys.



Tell me you're not hypnotized by that oil field of a chest/Home Depot chain combo. It will be a damn lie.

Speaking of my old school people, Melissa Joan Hart, who I will always see as this literal hot mess in my mind:


Is coming out with a tell-all book entitled, Melissa Explains It All. (See what she did there?) This serious piece of literature is not, sadly, about how to make a ball gown from strawberry-flavored Fruit Roll Ups (I would totally read that sh*t), but about her "wild" lifestyle in the late 90's. According to Life & Style, Melissa said, “I experimented with weed, Ecstasy, mushrooms and mescaline for about a year and a half. " She also said that she made out with a girl in a limo, or something.


Boring. Holla back when you're ready to say that you made out with Salem the cat from Sabrina the Teenaged Witch. Or that you did bath salts with that dude that climbed through the Clarissa window, or something.

Step up your game, old people. You're making us look super non-scandalous.


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Sunday, August 4, 2013

(Not So) Breaking News: Donnie Wahlberg Turns Out to Be "The Hot One"

Okay, so I meant to post this sh*t a bunch of days ago, but blah, blah, blah, who cares.

via Donnie Dub's Twitter
I was always a Jordan girl back in the day, but my ass sure isn't afraid to switch teams, because Donnie Dubs is looking real fooooine.


These Wahlberg dudes know know to get that booty work right, don't they?

 
Nice...watch, Mark. I'm pretty sure that this is the hottest elastic-waisted tan shorts can look.


Congratulations on your hotness, Wahlbergs.




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Friday, April 12, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Brenda Walsh in a Photographic History, 'Cause It's That B's Birthday.

You guys, I love Shannen Doherty's ass. (Figuratively, not literally.) And today is mah boo's birthday, so I've collected some amazing pictures of that crazy ass through the years -- or the 90's. Whatever.

jorts for effing daysssssss
well this sh*t is just massively uncomfortable...
even a bunk ass perm can't stop the FACE
...and kelly's a slut b*tch, duh.
badass 4 lyfe
that's right, dylan, oooo you can get it.
this.
ha. and a sh*tload of this. wynonna judd meets alyssa milano in fear.
who DOESN'T want to slap the ever-loving blah out of andrea zuckerman???
and just because -- what are you, wilford brimley? get your sh*t together, andrea.
Happy Birthday, Brenda (Shannen). You're forever my GUUUUUURL.






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Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote


This week for Allure, I tell you how to be a total '90s b (all over again). Damn, I'm old. Read all about it here.



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Saturday, February 2, 2013

Why Not Start Your Saturday Off With Some Delightful Music Stylings? (AKA The Worst Music Video Ever.)



This video was dubbed on YouTube as "the worst music video ever." After watching it roughly seven times, it has kind of become my anthem. It's like the modern day version of Aretha Franklin's "Respect," or something. And lucky for you, I have transcribed the happenings of the entire 4:18 of this diamond in the rough. YOU ARE WELCOME, world.

The first 30 seconds of this mess looks like an opening for a really, really, sh*tty Chicago-based soap opera. Then we see our heroine, looking most reminiscent of a younger, blonder, George Costanza's mother. In the next shot, we really get to see what homegirl is working with, and let me clue you in, sister, those pants are atrocious. It's like FUPAs were breeding with more FUPAs up in there. If it were legal to burn whatever material that makes up those pants, I would highly suggest it. After ANOTHER long shot of the Chicago skyline, our eyes can feast upon the romantic lead of the story. Now, we KNOW that he's a bad boy, because not only is he leather-clad and mulleted, but HE PARKS HIS MOTORCYCLE IN A "NO PARKING" AREA. Swoon city, party of one! Amiright?!? It's time of a little backstory -- we get a vignette of them walking together in matching outfits, with matching, puffy ass hair, and waving to pretend friends (adoring fans?), then riding off into the sunset late morning. Next we're back to the FUPA pants shot, with a possible Delorean sighting in the background, and we get a close up of the stone wall behind Darla (I don't know her name, but it fits). Oh, sike! Darla's back, and her face is more scrunched up than ever. Then we get: road warrior, more scenery filmed from a car window, and a payphone shot, complete with sexy leather gloves! Oh, Darla, it's "anymore" not "no more." Now fancy camera work. Uh oh? What do we have here? Darla's at the airport in her fancy ass limo? Why didn't the driver even carry her bags? And there she goes (we are supposed to assume), flying off to another exotic location. Where do you think she went? My guess is to Dubai to marry a super glamorous Sheik.

P.S. I just saw that Darla's name is really Jan. I'm going to suggest that you go ahead and change that, Jan. It's Darla, now.



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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Get Out Your Fancy Scrunchie.

Holy sh*t, you guys. Screw all of that talk about Destiny's Child getting back together, because over on Buzzfeed they are saying that Kriss (m. effin') Kross ARE REUNITING for a one time concert in Atlanta next month. Let's not pretend like you weren't into this at the time:



You know you tried to force your denim overalls, that your mom bought you from JC Penney's kids' section, on awkwardly backwards, or you are wiggady wiggady wiggady whack. You tried. We all did. Oh and by the by, friends, here's what ol' KK looks like now.

via buzzfeed
Dude on the left is a DEAD RINGER for either KC or JoJo -- I never really figured out who's who.


And don't even get me started on that friggin' turtleneck. Did he time machine here? Now let's all get tickets to this ish and car pool together. Whose mom can drive? We're bringing back middle school.




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Thursday, December 13, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Katie Holmes' Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Dress


Let me start off by actually saying something  nice. Single looks good as eff on K Holmie when it comes to the facial and hair areas. Boo boo is looking tons less robotic and dead eyed than she did when she was with lil' man. So "Yay!" for all of that. Now, let's get b*tchy for a hot minute. I cannot look at this dress she wore to the Sandy Relief Concert last night without having total recall of Donatello from TMNT.

B has stick skills.
The purple, the shell abdomen -- it's all there. All K dog needs are these to separate her digits, and she'd be working for Splinter's hairy ass.

Remember THESE monstrosities?!?
Just wear this next time, K bomb, and save yourself the trouble.





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Disney Rides Are NEVER This Fun.



Wait...So is this a ghost story? I am completely and totally jealous of every single effin' person in this video. The late 80's/early 90's were so equal parts magical and disgusting, weren't they? They were the best of times, they were the worst of times. And if that's what it's like to be a construction worker, sign my ass up. I didn't realize that strong choreography was a job requirement.




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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Jared Leto's Browless Ass

via huffpo
Ho-leeee mother eff, you guys. What in hairless cat face hell happened to Jordan Catalano?

Jared Leto and a friend on their way to lunch.
I know that this sh*t is for a movie, but get this b some brow toupees or something, man. I can't be having that mess all shoved up in my eyeballs. It's freaking me out.


Jared is usually a stone cold ass fox, so this is some harsh crap. I will donate my hair to make this man some emergency brows, if need be. I AM FRIGHTENED. What the eff would Rickie say about this?


Oh. Well, Rickie's too busy being hot to worry about Jordan/Jared's eyebrow game. But you know who's not? My ass.





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Saturday, November 24, 2012

THIS SH*T HAS GONE TOO FAR, JUSTIN BIEBER. Go to your room immediately, young man!

pics via Bieb's instagram
I know that I need to get of of Justin Bieber's jock. (GROSS.) But when ish like this is popping up on my instagram, I CANNOT IGNORE IT. What in mother eff is all of this? That far right picture just makes me feel illegal. Please stop showing me your toddler underoos, Biebs. And working out in overalls isn't overalls is just ridiculous. And stop photographing yourself by the heavy weights. We all know you just power walk and use your mom's strap-on ankle weights. You aren't fooling my ass.

But my biggest issue is the I-undid-one-overall-strap thing that is happening. ARE WE REALLY HERE AGAIN? Because you know who wore this look better?


DONNIE EFFING WAHLBERG, B*TCH. You can't even rock the 'alls as hard as Jordan.


Okay, maybe Jordan. Homeboy has a rat tail halfway to his ass.

P.S. Can we all just drink in this photo for a moment?


My life will never be as wonderful as it is at this moment. NKOTB 4 EVA.




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Monday, November 12, 2012

It's Ryan Gosling's Birthday, Girl.

In celebration of the hotness that is currently Ryan Gosling, let's look upon another time. A time when the Gos Sauce was not SO hot...




Oh sh*t. This is the best. I can't even hang with those accessories.

Sweet headband.
Aaaand with a cameo from JT's hair. Yikes
Now back to the current day.

 Pretty much.



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Thursday, November 8, 2012

Random Homie: Ralph Lauren Big Pony (Whaaa?) Women's Collection #2 Perfume

sephora, $19-$70
Perfume is friggin' weird, iddnit? (Copyright: Ursula the sea witch) There is a scent to every way you ever want to feel. I have perfume that I wear when I want to be a slightly dirty, yet expensive gothy lady of the night, when I want to be a sweet, innocent fairy person (or Courtney Stodden), and I have this stuff. I got this pony as part of the Best of Beauty Swag, and had zero idea of the name until just now. BIG PONY COLLECTION??? Now I like this ish even more. I like this on a day where I want to pretend that I am a fancy, preppy lady that inherited her great grandmama's pearl necklace. (You don't know how badly I have to refrain from making wildly inappropriate jokes right now. Deep breaths...)

This perfume smells sweet, clean, and fresh. Like a sunny Summer's (not eve) day. I feel more clean when I spray it, even if my lazy ass hasn't happened to have showered. (Hey, that ish happens when you're LAZEEE 4 LYFE, and sometimes quite frequently. Judge away, I'll just be spraying my Big Pony over here.) Bottom line, I want to ride this pony.



Sorry. I would be COMPLETELY remiss if I didn't go there. Good God, where is Ginuwine?

P.S. Now that I'm older, I totally appreciate the fact that Ginuwine actually misspelled genuine so that he could have "wine" in his name.

P.P.S. THIS.





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Friday, November 2, 2012

The Only 90's Tori Spelling Photo Round Up You'll Ever Need. (You Are Freaking Welcome, People.)

If Bette Midler in Hocus Pocus and broccoli had a baby, this would be its hair.
This is a helluva lot of look, T Spell. Helluva lot.
I really just wanted to post BAG's hair in this picture.
What is happening? Even the dog is freaked the eff out.
Dream 90's wedding. Annnnnnd cue vomit.
Somebody get the V05 Hot Oil Treatments in bulk. Immediately.
Holy sh*t. Lumiere is hanging from Donna Martin's ear. Times are tough, man.
My God. No. Is this a Project Runway/Michael's challenge?
I can't ever stop with this movie. WATCH. IT.
Oh, brother. Trim your bangs.


Like I could leave out mutha effin' Violet. Harry Potter bit homegirl's look.
And THIS. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS:



P.S. I still totally dance like this. I am joking 0%.


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