The "I Can't" News Of The Week: Justin Bieber Hooked Up With MF-ing ADRIANA LIMA

Remember when Biebs posted this picture of himself with Adriana Lima on his Instagram account about a week ago? No? I'm the only one here that follows him? Great, another black mark on my effed up life. Anyway, US Weekly is claiming that after these two alley cats were partying it up and taking raised-eyebrow selfies in Cannes at some nightclub called Gotha (sounds annoying), they ended up leaving together at 5 am.

I'm taking this all with a big ass grain of salt. This beautiful creature probably didn't even do dirt stuff with JB. It was early morning, so he probably just needed her to put the straw in his breakfast time Capri Sun. That shit's hard to do. This is a 32 year old mother of two, and he's a 24 months old. That's the only thing that makes sense in this world.

Because there's no way that a grown ass Victoria's Secret model is having sexual times with a guy wearing a sunglasses/training mustache combo in a club. Right? In her defense, he was probably wearing those faux denim pull-up diapers so he looked like he might almost be an adult.

I know that you thought that this was a picture of Leo DiCaprio, but it's just a baby. You can see how it's a simple mistake.



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Allure Insiders Get The Look: Mariah Carey "Honey" Tutorial

MY FIRST ALLURE INSIDERS VIDEO IS OUT, YOU GUYS. This one is near and dear to my heart because it's all about Mariah Carey. But not now-times Mariah, I'm all about MC in the "Honey" video. It's one of my favorites because it combines so many incredible things: Kangol hats, jet skis, zip-up swimwear and clip-on ponytails. So, check it out and see what you think.

I'll be coming out with a new video every other Tuesday, so I'll post them here if you feel like perusing the goodies.

P.S. I've been out of town for the past several days, so I'll get back to the reg when I get back into town tomorrow night. Sorry for being a crap-ster, part 23984039284.

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Jude Law Auditions For Yesterday's "Tits Out For The Boys Tuesday," Doesn't Quite Make The Topless Cut

I know you're all, "It's Wednesday, ya' dumb dumb," right now, because I'm talking TOFTBT on a non-Tuesday...day. But I couldn't let these photos of Jude Law's teddy bear moobs just wander by my eyeballs without comment. That ain't me, babe. And I was going to post these last night, but then I drank a glass of wine and got a case of "forgot to do shits." Whatever, let's see more skin.

Ugh, Jude is such a dude. He doesn't even know how to squeeze citrus/bend over in a slutty top without showing off all the cookies.

A few general observations here:

1. I would wear this entire outfit.
2. It's kind of adorable that he wanted to wear his brand new freakum tee to shop for produce. (Look at the sharpness of that sleeve pleat. This top is fresh out the shopping bag.)
3. Is he doing the "use your arms to push your tatas together" trick in the last picture? DOES HE KNOW ALL OF OUR LADY SECRETS?

Sorry, Jude. You just barely missed out on TOFTBT. If only that deep ass v was a little deeper. Better luck next time!

I'm still using the gif. I can't NOT.


all Jude pics via buzzfeed


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The Summer Beauty Stuffs I Never Knew I Needed (Until Now)

I'm figuratively dying, man. And not even in a friggin' cerebral, existential crisis kind of way. I'm talking about how it's hot as shit, and I want to cry and/or never, ever leave my house because it's over 100 degrees outside. Which is an INSANE temperature to expect a human to exist normally. (RIP, polar ice caps.)

In order to ease my First World pains, I've done some beauty soul-searching to find products that a) make me feel better, and b) help me to semi-live a life that seems like it's happening in a post-apocalyptic Earth. Even if it doesn't yet feel like the ninth ring of Hell where you're living, ANTI-WINTER IS COMING, so you better step to planning.

Alt White Mani

My love for a fresh-to-death white polish job is right up there (almost) with my fondness for wine-drinking times. But after awhile I get a little bored with the same ol' thang, and want to find a way to mix it up when it comes to that bright white mani. Don't worry your pretty little head, because I've found a couple options to update this whole deal. 

My first alternative (above) was sampled to me by the indie polish brand Seven and Parker. The shade is called "Mr. White," and it's a frosty, opaque white with a touch of silver, from the brand's upcoming Reservoir collection. It's not available just quite yet, put S&P's "Girl in Pale Pink Coat" is a very pale pink shimmery polish that has a similar feel. Or just keep an eye out on the Seven and Parker website for "Mr. White" to become available. This is the perfect polish for a cool-toned white option, and I can't get enough.

If warm tones are more your thing, my girls at Floss Gloss sent me some bomb white substitutes. "Biscuits" is an almost buttery cream color, while "Selena Corpus Crystalina" is a sheer white glitter that's great to top off whatever polish you're currently feeling. Or you can layer them together and create a sugary, all-white-everything buttered biscuit dream. It's your world, baby.

Skindinavia: The Makeup Primer Spray

I begged Skindinavia to send me some of their brand new Primer Spray ($35), because I pretty much feel the need to use a primer anytime I wear foundation, but with this hot ass existence currently happening, the thought of slathering another layer of something on my face is less than mf-ing appealing. This formula is a super-lightweight spray, so it's perfect for the summertimes. It made my foundation stay put even after going to the gym because, YES, I'm one of THOSE that wears makeup to workout. I know, I'm the worst.

I actually took a picture of my hand using the primer with foundation, then without, but my embarrassment over my extremely poor hand selfie-ing skills prevented me from posting it. I do have some standards, believe it or not. But the with-primered  hand foundation was much, much smoother than the sans-primered hand. Just trust me on this one.

Tarte: Not So Slick Blotting Papers

Reason number 309485039 that crazy hot weather can suck it? It gets my oil glands kickin' into overdrive. And although I will use those rubbery drugstore blotting papers (as well as toilet paper, receipts and the back of my hand) in a pinch, I've always been a little bothered by what exactly those little homies are made from. Bike tires? Old scrunchie elastics?

I didn't worry about that at all when tarte sent me these tarte not so slick blotting papers ($10) to try. They're naturally-derived, but still sop up oil better than the longest Target receipt. CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT.

Powerful Drugstore Lips

Spring and Summer make me want to wear the hell out of a heavy-hitting lipstick. And because I like a variety to spice up my mouth area, it's even better if that 'stick is super-affordable. I've accumulated a pretty boss arsenal of lovely lipsticks, but these two just keep popping up on my lips. As you can see, these mofos are well-loved/used and abused.

I've already shared my deep affections for NYX Matte Lipstick in "Indie Flick" ($6), but it bears repeating. That's how into this lipstick I am. A new(ish) love for me is the even lower-priced Wet n Wild MegaLast Lip Color in "Sugar Plum Fairy" ($1.89 at Walgreens). You literally don't get more affordable for a bangin' lipstick than that. What make these an even better deal? They both are highly-pigmented and last all the live-long day. Top that!

P.S. Robin Lively is the best Lively. Don't argue with me.

Brush on Block

I almost didn't include this little guy in this round-up, but I use it a ton so it just felt necessary. But full disclosure on this one: someone sent this to me FOREVER ago to try, and I just now started using it. When I went to get all the deets on it today, I noticed that what I've been using expired a year ago (don't care, 10/10 will still use), and also the company and packaging seems to be completely different. Either way, I really think that this is a great product, so I'll tell you all of the current info.

Brush on Block ($30) is an SPF 30 mineral powder sunscreen with a retractable brush protector thing-y on it, which makes it really portable and easy to use and store. The powder actually comes through the makeup brush, so you just brush it all over your face before you go outside. I like to walk to a coffee shop that's about half a mile from my house a few mornings a week, and this is so easy to brush on in the morning without worrying about rubbing on a sticky ass SPF lotion. It really meets my lazy, vampiric skin needs quite nicely.

It does have a touch of color to the powder, so I don't know if it would blend well with deeper skin tones, or if it's pretty translucent on everyone. (The website says it's translucent.) One bonus for this stuff is that you can buy refills for $16, so you aren't buying the whole damn brush thing every time. Bottom line -- this stuff is a total oldie-face preventative that I need in my life.

That's it. I've spilled every Summer secret I have now. So I guess I'll meet you guys at the crossroads. Or tomorrow-ish. Whatever.

If you need me, I'll be posted up in Alaska, like woah. But keep my sweaty ass company by telling me all about your favorite Summery products in the comments.

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Allure Insiders: Details On My Latest Allure Magazine Collabo

Just in case you don't happen to follow me on the likes of my Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram (WHY THE HELL NOT, BY THE BY), you may have missed my announcement about my latest project that I'm doing with Allure. It's called Allure Insiders, and it's pretty much me and nine other homies that are way cooler and more talented than me, each creating two videos per month covering a ton of beauty goodness for Allure's new video channel.

This is my bio video, but you probably don't even need to watch it because you ALREADY KNOW THIS, MAN. My real, real videos will start next week, then come out every other week. I'll be covering two different categories: Get the Look, which are celebirty/pop culture-based tutorials, and Outrageous Beauty, where I try out different strange or extreme beauty treatments.

Nothing's changed, I'll still be here doing my thang-a-lang on the regular. But now I can just be upfront and be all, "I've got a lot of video editing to do this week. I'm not THAT lazy," when I get sparse around here. And I'm sure I'll post all of my vids here when they come out, so you can peep that scene, if you feel so inclined. Or don't, it's your life.

In the meantime, some of the other Insiders' videos are up, as well as errrybody's bio vids, so feel free to check out what they've got dropping on either the Allure video channel or the Allure YouTube channel. Okay, that enough info for your brain wrinkles. I'm out.

via realitytvgifs

JK, Tamra and I will see you later tonight. Or tomorrow if ish gets sideways (AKA lazy).



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Well, Earth, It's Time To Pack It In: It's "The Plastics" Video That We Never Asked For

So, I'm about a week too late on talking about this masterpiece of mess, but c'est la vie or whatever. If you've been caught unawares on the shit you just witnessed, this is the newly-formed "band" called The Plastics. This wildly talented crew is comprised of the 33 year old dude that wants to look like Biebs and the homegirls that fancy themselves Jennifer Lawrence and Madonna.

Here's my take on this literal bullshit: I don't give half an eff what you do to your face and body. If you want to spend 100k on plastic surgery and plop a straw-like bowl cut on your dome, do it. It's your life and crazy face. YOLO-alter your face into an actual b-hole, I don't care. It's none of my GD business. Thanks, Salt-n-Pepa.

But you know what is my business? These mofos committing assault and battery on my eardrums with their auto-tuned effery. This is (OF COURSE) brought to you/written by that dude that made the Tan Mom song. Can someone on this planet please hire that guy to do ANYTHING ELSE but make these videos? Closet organizer? Dress sock quality control tester? Denim jacket bedazzler? Professional vajazzler? Anything. This has to stop.

And I have more important shit to focus on.

via realitytvgifs

P.S. Is it possible that Fakestin Bieber's pants are actually worse than the real deal's pantaloons? Too close to call.


Thanks to Amber for the heads up on this crap.


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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

In my latest piece for Allure I dug into the vintage TV commercial archives and pulled out the best hot ass beauty looks of the past three decades, in "Flashback! The Best Beauty Moments From Childhood TV Commercials." You can check it out here.




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Gross Beauty Probs, Quit Killing My Vibe.

It's always something with me, man. I can't just let shit be. I'm constantly stressing myself out over SOMETHING beauty-related. My current freak out is getting rid of all things gross on my body. More specifically, dead face skin and hard water hair distgusting-ness.

After massive amounts of research (okay, googling), I found two products that pretty much slayed these annoying issues. So now I can be on to the next one. Great.

Hard Water Hair: Malibu Hard Water Treatment

I really got the idea of how shitty my water is stuck in my brain wrinkles after I started using Keracolor Purify Plus. I began obsessing over the hard water stains on my shower door that I just couldn't get off and thinking, "IF THE WATER IS DOING THIS TO GLASS, WHAT THE EFF IS IT DOING TO MY HAIR???" So I started researching about how to rid hair of hard water deposits, which can eff your hair game up MAJOR.

That's when I came across the Malibu C Hard Water Weekly Demineralizer. It comes in a box of individualized packets that you use once a week. You shampoo, use the treatment, shampoo, then condition. The first time I used the Malibu C, I noticed that it said it contained "crystals" on the package, so naturally I was picturing this:

Don't get excited. It's just a powder that you mix with water to create a paste and leave on your hair for five minutes. Because it's kind of a drying type deal, I followed it up with my OG deep conditioner, L'Oreal Nature's Therapy Mega Moisture Nurturing Creme. I've used the treatment twice so far, and it's removed any brassiness from my hair and made my highlights brighter. Score one for the hard water-afflicted bitches.

Gross Dead Skin: Pure Aqua Gel Exfoliator

I read about this Japanese exfoliation product a while back, and I knew that I must try it. Because if you don't love something that exfoliates your face skin like a GD champ, then I don't know what to say to you anymore, quite frankly. Cure Aqua Gel is reportedly Japan's top selling skin care product, or so Amazon tells me, so I really felt like I had no choice but to shell out the 35 bones and try this shit.

The issue that I ran into after getting the bottle is that all of the instructions are in Japanese. So I did a little digging and found out how to use this stuff, and then made a little video showing you what the deal is with Cure.



After using Cure a couple times, I'm pretty ride-or-die on this stuff. It's not cheap, but if you're into exfoliating, it will be your jam. You can cop it from Amazon here.

I'm off to figure out my next beauty dilemma (ft. Kelly Rowland) to harp on like a nagging hen. I love life.





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The Game Of Thrones "Who Would You Do?" List

I love Game of Thrones. It has all the things that I look for in a show: an old time-y setting, bomb hair and costumes, and a bunch of people acting like pure and unadulterated assholes. And the fact that it's packed to the gills with hot bitches doesn't exactly hinder my viewing pleasure.

With that in mind, I've compiled a ranking of the best "Would Do" candidates, as well as the "Eff No" mofos from the world's most character-filled-and-also-switching-friggin-actors TV show. (Don't lie, that shit confuses you too.) 

The Would Dos:

#1: Jaime

Okay, so he's had his horrific moments, and might have Borderline Personality Disorder. He also (half) created the worst human in fake history. And his hair is kind of terrible this season. But that jawline...

#2: Khaleesi

I mean, COME ON. Daenerys Targaryen be banging. And if you say that you wouldn't, you're a damn lie.

#3: Khaleesi's Dead Husband's Ghost

This dude was super hot. And nice, in a murderous way. Plus, the real life guy is married to LISA MF-ING BONET. You don't turn that down.

#4: Jon Snow

JS is super-sexual, and really should be higher on the list, but I can't stop thinking about extreme hygiene issues whenever my eyeballs graze his ass. INVENT SHAMPOO, ALREADY.

#5: Tyrion

I love Tyrion. He's smart, funny, actually uses the empathetic area of his brain, and is really cute. Sign me up.

#6: Brienne of Tarth

Brienne is not only a bad bitch, she's also ridiculously loyal. Which is pretty much the opposite of anyone else on this GD show. Not to mention that she's crazy tall and attractive.

The Would NOT Evers:

#1: Joffrey

HATE. SO MUCH. Plus, I think he's supposed to be 15 or something. Major pass.

#2: That One Guy

Sorry about all of that stuff, buddy. You were okay before, but now I'm just not into you. Or whatever is happening in your Weentown area code.

Edit: You guys, THIS DUDE IS LILY ALLEN'S BROTHER. Where the eff have I been???

#3: Cersei

She's gorgeous. She's the worst. Her no no was probably replaced with a venus fly trap. No thanks.

#4: Ygritte

I wasn't even into homegirl before she got all arrow-happy. But now, I definitely bid you "Good day." GET OUT.

Which GoT peeps are on your would/wouldn't do lists? Let's hash it out.




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TGIMF(Almost)F! Let's Get Down With This Jam.

Sometimes you just have to jam the eff out, because it's (soon to be) Friday night and you feel alright. So you put on your super-slimming, black Mandarin collared shit shirt, fluff your hair bang wave and hit the town in downtown(ish) Minneapolis, or wherever. Major. Nothing says Friday night jam sesh like everything that happens after 1:11 in this video.

I would polish this dude's Napoleon Dynamite spectacles all night long. Take me away to Oasis Karaoke, mofos!

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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

this looks disgusting but it was amazing

This month for Allure, I get back to my roots, and talk about glorious food. I'm pairing up your favorite snack with an inspired beauty look. Check it out here.



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BREAKING NEWS: Adam Levine Now Has Gwen Stefani Hair

via AL's twitter

No, this ain't no hollaback girl, sadly, it's Adam Levine and his new head rug. Yeezus, take the wheel. After resting my eyeballs on this, I think that we can all now officially calm our tits on the great debate over whether Adam Levine is hot in a skeeze way or not. This cat's face speaks volumes on the "Would you still?" topic. You can just feel the "eff no" in the windows to his soul.

It seems like when AL bleached his hair to Courtney Stodden on the color scale, and it really brought out the douche in his bone structure. What makes it worse is that he's totally got his "I look super hot right now" face on in the picture, but for me it's reading more "I live in a basement with mannequins."

What do you guys think? Am I being a super bitch? Is this actually hot? Tell how me to live.



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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: The Topless Fire Bro

There was a big ass fire burning near an LA-area neighborhood today, so of course the news was there to report on it, wearing their let's-pretend-we're-on-the-Weather-Channel serious outdoor jacket finery. But an absurdly large rain coat and windy day half-pony do not a "GUUUUUURL Of The Day" make. Oh, no. That accomplishment could only be obtained by the shining star that is this dude, who was so douchey that his dog asked for his face to be obscured out of sheer horror and shame.

Not only does this shirtless, snapback-ed wonder ask out a random stranger on live TV, in what seems to be at least an orange on the dangerous encounters scale, but he also opines that the fire is "pretty cool." SIR. GO HOME. We've had just about enough of your bullshit for today.

via realitytvgifs

Sorry, dudes. This b-hole ruined it for everyone. This is why you can't have nice things.


via buzzfeed

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