Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Our Rude Prayers Have Been Answered: Prince Hot Harry Is Single

pic via eonline
Good news/kind of shitty news, guys. The sexual beast that is Prince Harry (Is that illegal to say about a royally-blooded mofo?) broke up with his scrunchie-loving homegirl Cressida Bonas. Good for you single young bloods: you've still got a chance! But bad news: I really liked this girl. Here's why I'm really into her --
  • She's almost always wearing a scrunchie.
  • She has the beautiful hair that looks like she washes it with pee or apple jam, or something.
  • She's not fancy and uptight. You know that the Queen never even let her absolutely worst hat be in the same room with this chick.
  • Her name is Cressida Bonas, which kind of sounds like Croissant Boners.
I'm just scared that PH is going to date some boring, bland bitch next. Like someone with Avian Bone Syndrome, or some bullshit. I'm not okay with that. At all.


Also, HOW WILL THEY SPLIT THE SCRUNCHIE COLLECTION? HOW, I SAY?!?


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Snitching On My New Favorite Hair Stuffs

Last week I broke it down about my terrible skin probs, and this week I'm kicking it to another problem area -- my thirsty hair. I have really, really fine hair, so the longer it gets the more of a basic, annoying b it becomes. My natural hair (I'm almost always wearing clip-in weave) it at that bra strap-level point now, so it's starting to rebel like a 13 year old girl and get all tangle-y and unmanageable.

Luckily, I have found a couple of products that have made my hair life immensely easier, and kept me from having constant tumble weed head.

Keracolor Purify Plus & my shitty water
My first new buddy is really kind of badass. The peeps at Keracolor sent me their new product called Purify Plus, which takes all of the shitty stuff in your water, like chlorine and trace minerals, and kicks it to the curb, like it's 1997. Okay, so it really neutralizes the impurities, or something more scientific, but you know what I mean. And with the spray came a little kit for me to test my water for all of that badness, which made me be all:


So I put some of my crap water (not literally, don't be sick) in the tube, then put some of the science drops (I have no idea what they were) in the water tube thing. If there's chlorine in the water, the drops turn it ol' yeller.


Uh oh, it's looking a little pee lite. That ain't good, man. Chlorine is kind of a c-block to banging hair, causing funky color changes and brittleness, and homie don't play that. The next part of this mini experiment was to add the Purify Plus to the water.


Annnnd buh-bye yellow times! Mr. Wizard would be really proud of me. Or maybe yell at me a little.

Here's the low down: I've been using the spray for a few weeks now, and I'm completely into it. I don't really know what my hair/hair color would look like without it at this point, because I use it every day. I'M PROTECTING MYSELF BEFORE I WRECK MYSELF. It's also really lightweight, but as moisturizing as a light leave-in conditioner. So you can totally use it in conjunction with your other hair prods as you wish, Buttercup.

Keracolor Purity Plus is a salon-only kind of deal and will run you $20, so contact them here to see where you can cop your own bottle, AND PROTECT YO' SELF.


My next new hair baby daddy's daddy is something that I had heard rumblings about on the beauty streets, but didn't understand what the fuss was all about. I'm the type that, typically, gives zero effs about a hair brush. I could use a Barbie brush or a dinglehopper, for all I care.

But like I said earlier, the longer my hair is, the more of a pain in the ass it becomes, and when it gets to its current length, it gets really hard to brush through. Even with a wide tooth comb. Or wide-set fingers. So I decided to give into the rumors, and buy a Wet Brush.

The Wet Brush (Sally's, $7.99)
I was expecting this puppy to be way over-hyped, but I was a wrong, wrong bitch. This brush is a friggin' miracle worker. It glides through my tangled, wet hair with the greatest of ease. It brushes through the knots that I get at the base of my head in less than zero seconds. A tiny sorcerer might live inside this thing. I don't really know, and I can't really be bothered, but I'm obsessed.

What new hair products are you guys into? What are all the kids doing these days, besides that chapstick on the eyelids business?





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Monday, April 28, 2014

I'm Too Old For This World Music Monday: Cody Simpson's "Surfboard"



I don't know who this kid is. If I was forced to wager a guess, I would say that it's the test tube creation of Spencer Pratt and Puck from Real World: San Francisco. But, I do know that the video vixen (Are the kids still saying that? No? Where's Nelly?) is Yolanda's daughter, of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fame. So there, mf-ers! I've only got one foot in the oldie grave!

Is this a complete song derived from that one lyric in Beyoncé's song? Is that how we're coming up with content now? I didn't know that I could take a line from, like, "Who Let the Dogs Out" and just make a whole song about it. Seems kind of shitty in terms of songwriting, but what do I know? Not much.


Also, are we just putting all songs inside of one song now? Or did I just listen to this baby Max Headroom's entire album smooshed together in a three minute bundle?

Help me children, WHAT IS ALL OF THIS?

Love,
Gam Gam Shan


P.S. Send more Werther's.







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Thursday, April 24, 2014

SMMFS (Save My Mutha F@*&%#$ Skin)

I have not been shy with you about my long, storied past (and present) skin issues. I've had bad skin for 20 dumb years now, and there seem to be no signs of stopping this beastly trainwreck. It's not cute. No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom album could have been named after the topography of my skin. (Or a play on words with Magic Kingdom, but whatever.)

Most of my issues have always surrounded acne, and it's bitch cousin, acne scarring. I've become well-versed in that crap. But since I moved to Phoenix six months ago, I have encountered new and uncharted territory. MY SKIN HAS ALSO BECOME MATURE-LOOKING AND DEHYDRATED in this lack of humidity/sun-heavy ecosystem blah blah. What. The. Eff. Am I going to have to move into a Bio-dome? Luckily, I don't venture out much.

via yourewelcomeforbeingmyfriend

So now my skin life revolves around not only acne (which was off the mf-ing chain for my first five months here), but also dry weirdness and boring wrinkles. I've had just about enough of this bullshit, skin gods. Yeezus, save me. 


Kanye must have rubbed the legs of his leather sweatpants together in a certain way for me, because I have found a routine that has made my skin much, much better than it's been since I moved. If you find yourself with any of the laundry list of skin issues that I've listed above, travel along this skin brick road with me to see what's up. (Okay, that was too much and not normal. I've been watching too much Hannibal.)

Kiehl's Ultra Facial Cream: Intense Hydration 
Kiehl's Ultra Facial Cream: Intense Hydation (Kiehl's, $26.50)

When I started noticing the extreme dehydration of my face happening, I reached out to my Kiehl's peeps and begged them for help. They sent me the Kiehl's Ultra Facial Cream Intense Hydration to try, and it has helped so, so much. I really wanted to try this cream because it was "torture-tested" by Kiehl's, in a study in the hottest and driest city in the country...Phoenix. WHERE I LIVE. And what did the test (and my face) find? That 97% of subjects showed a reduction in visible skin dryness by 30% in just 7 days. 

Here's the bottom line on this stuff: it's the perfect night-time cream for me. It doles out a ton of lasting moisture, without being heavy. It's too much for my skin for a daytime deal, because I'm still ALSO OILY. Yes, karma is a bitch. Or something. But if you're a drier skin-type this will be great for you, regardless of what time it says it is on your cuckoo clock.


tarte Maracuja Bronzing Serum
tarte Maracuja Bronzing Serum (Sephora, $47)

Speaking of daytime face stuffs, this is heaven in a shimmery bottle. I've been completely hooked on it, ever since tarte sent it to me with all of those amazing lip glosses a few weeks ago. It's not really the texture of the regular Maracuja Oil, which is also great, but it really dries to more of a matte finish that I can totally wear under makeup/sunscreen items during the day.

But besides having all of that good good junk for your mug in it, there's also a dab o' sunless tanner in the Maracuja Bronzing Serum. Just a little touch of tan. Nothing insane. You can sign my ass up forever and ever.

Clearogen 
Clearogen Acne Treatment Set (Sephora, $39.50)

I won't go on and on about Clearogen again, but I credit this stuff for finally keeping my ridiculously over-the-top breakouts in check. My skin is made of complete bullshit, and this really is the only thing that keeps me from looking like a total monster. 


I love this stuff so much that I cannot go one day without it. If fact, BRB (in AOL IM lingo), I have to go buy some more of the Acne Lotion. I WILL NOT let my face get crazy again.

 Pixi Glow Tonic
pixi Glow Tonic (pixi, $29)

I love a great toner, and this is a total bad b of a toner. It's probably made from finely pressed True Blood fairy wings, but I don't even care. (Okay, okay. It really has stuff like Glycolic Acid, Ginseng and Aloe Vera.) It exfoliates my skin and leaves it soft and buttery. 

Pixi Glow Tonic is like a refreshing alcoholic drink on a hot, disgusting day. But, you know, on your face. With an tiny umbrella. But no maraschino cherries. Those are sick.

Adovia Dead Sea Mud Soap
Adovia Dead Sea Mud Soap (Cleopatra's Choice, $11)

I bought this soap on a whim one day when I fell down a scary rabbit hole of internet beauty product shopping. One of those deals that you don't even know how you ended up somewhere, and you're just buying random shit that seems like it might work.


Well, weirdly enough, this Adovia Dead Sea Mud Soap happens to do it for me. It's one of those cleansing bars that really feels like it's getting all up in there and kicking gross stuff's ass and taking names. This would be a terrible life choice for people with dry skin, though. Proceed with caution.

Do you have a favorite skin care product? What do you swear by? TELL ME EVERYTHING.



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Monday, April 21, 2014

We Can All Reaffirm Our Love For Jon Hamm, As He Pretty Much Says That The Biebs Is Terrible.

via men's fitness
Our sexy as eff boyfriend Jon Hamm has a cover spread (heh) for Men's Fitness this month, and it sadly doesn't feature his very best asset. But, he totally made up for it when he slayed Bieber's ass in the interview with the magazine. Via Buzzfeed:

“Look at Bieber or whoever. You’re like, ‘What the f**k, man? What are you doing? Why?’ There’s no one telling those people no, and it’s a shame. [He should have] a mom or a dad or a really good friend who can say, ‘Hey, sh**head!’ You see people in the world and you’re like, ‘Do you know how a washing machine works? Do you know how to wash a dish? Life skills are something we’re missing… just s**t you needed to learn in life. There used to be a class that kids had to take in high school called home economics, which was cooking and sewing and just s**t you needed to learn in life.”


Jon sounds like a straight up crotchety old man, and I'm about that life. Put on a Mr. Rogers sweater and let's get bout it bout it. Okay, this is getting gross. BUT LEARN HOW TO WASH A DAMN DISH, JB. LEARN IT. Jon Hamm and I stand in a united front, as usual. Except for the time that he said to stop talking about his man area. Non-united with that shit. I'll probably start a MySpace page for it. So THERE, Jon Hamm. I TALK ABOUT WHAT I WANT.

I'm sorry I'm so yell-y. I had one drink. You can see why everyone hates me.






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Build-A-Brow Workshop: For Next Level Eyebrows


Hey, have we met? If so, I'm sure you've heard the good word: I'm completely friggin' eyebrow obsessed. Eyebrows are the reason that I started this blog. Eyebrows are the reason that I get out of bed some days. I don't leave the house sans brows of some sort, ever. I pity the fool that has to see my sad sack face without them.

This annoying ass character flaw is a complete detriment to my psyche, but it is somewhat beneficial. Because of my whack, over-the-top eyebrow compulsion, I have tried tons of brow products and techniques and whittled them down to a refined non-art. Whether you prefer your brows to be fresh-to-death natural or bold and slapping mofo's eyeballs out, I've got you covered. Soup to nuts. (WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?)

The Natural


If this is your brow style, you are probably fresh-faced and low maintenance. I wish I was you. Even if you're one of those "I don't really wear that much on muh face" ladies, your eyebrows need a little love 'n' such. Brow gels are right up your au nautrale alley, honey.


I really love Anastasia's Brow Gel, but I've used everything from CoverGirl clear mascara to spraying hairspray on a clean mascara wand. It's your damn life, live it how you choose. The real key here is how you apply whatever you're using. You want to brush your eyebrows up first, then over toward the end of your brow. THAT'S IT, MAYNE.

This will give you just enough natural polish to your brow game, without any color or fuss. Play on, natural playa.

The Lazy Bold Bitch


This next tier of brows is my everyday shit. It gives me plenty of boldness and hold, all in one little baby boo faced product, which is really in tune with my lazy sensibilities. This is for you if you want bangin' brows, but don't feel like completing 49850238409 steps to attain them.


This brow look is all about the Anastasia Dipbrow Pomade, which is apparently sold out everywhere, but cop it when it comes back. It's magic. It's easy to go overboard (like my favorite Goldie Hawn movie) with this stuff, so there's a method to perfection.

Instead of starting to outline your eyebrows at the start of the brows, begin at the inner bottom of the arch and follow all the way to the tail. Do the same at the top line of the brows, starting a little ways back, then fill in the whole tail end of the brows. Think of it almost like your eyebrows are an ombre dye job. Keep the darker stuff at the ends and use a lighter hand at the front. So with that in mind, fill in the front eyebrow area with just what's left on your brush after you've done the rest, to keep it natural, natch.

The Veruca Salt 


If you want to use every brow product that has ever been created in a lab and also have peeps dogging you on the street for your eyebrow secrets, like you're in some brow-centric music video, this is bud's for you. The VS brow is my "I'm trying" eyebrow go-to because, well, it takes actual effort, which is a lot for me.


To start this whirlwind, line your eyebrow starting at the very inner point closest to your nose, using a light-colored pencil, and outline the bottom line of your brow. Repeat the same deal on the top, again starting at the very inner top point. Now fill in the back tail of the brow with a darker shadow or brow powder. Next, shade in the front area with a lighter powder, which will smudge and disguise the lines you've drawn, and avoid eyebrows that could slice a b. Finish up with brow gel.

Voila, the boldest brow on the street. Veruca Salt would shove her red drop waist dress in a paper shredder to get next to your eyebrows, just so she could get them now.



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Friday, April 18, 2014

THE LILO 'DONE DID HIM' LIST IS LEGIT.



This might be an unpopular opinion, but I like Lindsay Lohan. And not in an ironic way. I do think that she's kind of a shit, in a I've-been-famous-since-I-was-12-and-I'm-surrounded-by-users-and-yes-men kind of way, but it seems like she's trying this time around.


Also, she might be making some truth revisions to some things she's saying. And the way that she insists upon her bronzer being applied is questionable. BUT SHE'S TRYING. (I think.)

So I like her. And I like that she admitted her eff list was applicable to real times. I really didn't expect that.


Sorry, Biel, she and JT got jiggy with it. Put that in your protein shake and drink it down. She's going to be doing hate-squats ALL NIGHT tonight.



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Monday, April 14, 2014

Okay, Okay, One More Coachella Related Post. IT'S ABOUT BIEBER.

via buzzfeed
I didn't really want to be all,"COACHELLA, COACHELLA, COACHELLA," today. But when Buzzfeed posted this picture of JB, it could not be ignored. When I see something that gives me the WHAT THE MF-ING EFF? feelings as much as this does, I really can't just let it go. (If you make a Frozen reference right now, I will eyeball slap you.)

Seriously, this bitch has got to be kidding me right now. He's wearing a chain that every dude I knew in high school bought from a kiosk in the middle of the mall. With an oversized bucket hat. But the real clincher are those shorts (???). Those pieces of shit look like something that that guy with the 132 lb ball would be forced to wear. (RIP, sir.)

via realitytvgifs
Biebs is seriously sending me to a (slightly) early retirement home facility with his nonsense. Send me lots of Werther's and hand-made doilies, mofos.



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Leonardo DiCaprio Went To Coachella, Was Awkward.



I love seeing celebrities dancing in the wild. They're just like us! We all like doing semi-karate kicks in huge crowds while half-dancing to MGMT, so don't play. Leo's just a regular dude, wearing a newsboy hat (that effing thing), crunking it up in the desert. NOTHING TO SEE HERE, WORLD.


P.S. I can't wait until I'm rich (beyotch) and I can rent-to-own a helicopter and fill it full of newsboy hats, then fly over LD's house and dump them all over it. It's important to have dreams and goals.




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Sunday, April 13, 2014

Nick Carter Gets Married, Looks...Different.

pic via intouch
Apparently Nick Carter (of Backstreet Boys, you animal!) married this person yesterday. Is that what they wore to their wedding? Or was this some kind of paid-after-wedding-club-appearance? Oh, who gives a shit. We've got bigger fish to fry...Like Nicky's face happenings.

Listen, we're all getting to be old mofos. NC and I are about the same age, so I feel you, dude. But it's not even that he's looking decrepit in the mug, so much, just different. Like Ryan Seacrest and an attractive, yet hairless, cartoon wolverine had a baby.


Also, what kind of insane in the membrane bitch am I that I'm really irritated by the cake? The "Nick" should be on the black part and the "Lauren" should be on the pink, and they should be standing on their respective sides. GET YOUR DAMN LIVES TOGETHER. Unless...it shouldn't? I fancy myself a progressive person. Do whatever, Backstreet Boys alums. I can't be bothered.



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Friday, April 11, 2014

Blogging Note/Happy Weekend: Go See The Special Man

Sorry I'm been lax on the posting this week, homies. I've been working on some other stuff (we'll talk about that another time) that has been taking up all my time. I'M SORRY. I KNOW.

via yourewelcomeforbeingmyfriend
Next week will probably be shitty too, so preemptive apologies all around. I'll do my best (which you probably know is like a regular person's worst).

In the meantime, let's enjoy this (I'm 99.9999% positive) Addy Award-winning TV commercial. Because it's perfect.



I know that this is a thing of friggin' beauty because I don't even know who my favorite person is in this thing. It's like picking which is my favorite, wine or pizza. (Psssh, it's wine.)

Anyway, enjoy this tiny dude's hair enigma. I'll catch you on the flip side, or the crossroads, whichever comes first.


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Thursday, April 10, 2014

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote


One of my favorite things to do on this planet is drankin' wine and watching garbage TV. Because I'm a trash box that will never quite fill up. So I did a little ditty for Allure this week called, "The 9 Most Fabulous Beauty Moments in Reality Show History, Re-Created." I think it's pretty self-explanatory. Check it out here, if you wish, Buttercup.



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Monday, April 7, 2014

Dammit, I'm Back On The Gloss

I've been on a major lipstick bender for the past few months. It's been a pretty ride-or-die matte lipstick moment in my life, really. Then all of that flew out the window when I got a box of samples from tarte, which included EIGHT SHADES of the LipSurgence lip gloss ($19). I peed my friggin' pants a little, then I fell in love.

via yourewelcomeforbeingmyfriend
It was like lip gloss screamed, "I'm back, bitches!" in my heart. And it was like we had never parted. Like The Notebook or some shit.


tarte LipSurgence lip gloss in tipsy, $19
Is this too dramatic? Sorry. I've always been an over-actor. Bottom line, these homies are legit. They're super shiny, not sticky, are pretty long lasting (for a gloss), and come in a variety of cupcake-y colors. Here are the ones that I gave a whirl:

I arranged them in order of what I felt like I would wear most to least, but that's really a load of bullshit, because there was not one that I was all, "Ick, nast," about. And that's saying something, because I hate 99% of all things.

via yourewelcomeforbeingmyfriend
But I would wear every single one of these puppy dogs in the drop of a dime piece, no questions asked. The colors are sheer, but still pigmented, and I think they would be gorgeous on a wide range of skin tones. EVERYONE WINS.

If you want to check them for yourself, see the full tarte LipSurgence cornucopia of offerings here.


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Friday, April 4, 2014

My Life Has Been Pointless Until This Moment, Because Someone (Maybe) Captured A Chupacabra!



Let's be honest. You couldn't even focus on the alleged mythical beast after peeping the more mythical scene on JaQuée's head.(I'm assuming that's the legitimate spelling of Jackie's name.) Is that a teased George Washington wig? If so, get me some wooden teeth and pass me one, because homegirl is the definition of perfection. I want in.

Listen, I don't know what the shit that thing is in the cage, but I'm sure as hell not trusting Arlen Parma's opinion on anything. LAUGH IT UP, ARLEN. THIS IS NO JOKE. You better keep those hater blockers on to protect yourself from my searing eyeballs.

But you know what is a joke? This.


Where did they get this artist's rendering? A late night anime show on Cartoon Network? A pre-teen boy's biology notebook cover? Whoever dragged this effery out of the trash needs to take several damn seats. Quit playing.


The chupacabra bids you good day, news people, and so do I. I really have to go work on some shit. Chupy and I have a ton of new pics to post on our joint "Fans of Queen JaQuée" Instagram account.



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Thursday, April 3, 2014

Are You A Basic Bitch?



Okay, even though my trash box ass watches the shit out of Teen Mom, I think I passed. But I definitely learned one thing today -- I want David Puddy to be my primary healthcare provider.


I could listen to him say, "That's some unoriginal ratchet shit right there," through any general medical procedure.

If all of your indicators pointed toward being basic, don't worry. You're here, reading this, instead of checking out celebrity news on aol.com (that's what my dad does -- so basic), so you're good, baby.


Not basic.

via college humor


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An Open Letter To Jennifer Love Hewitt: I'm So Sorry, But We Can't Have Blonde Hair.


Hey, J. Love, (Are we still doing that? No?)

I came across the segment of you on Ellen yesterday. I noticed something from jump street that made me feel a little uneasy, but I ignored it. I tried, instead, to focus on how much you've calmed your (literal) tits and how at-ease you now seem in comparison to your former, way over-sharing ways. I like this new you. You seem quite genuine and lovely, so I pushed my bitchy ass thoughts aside.

Then my friend (Hey, V) tagged me in a post about you, with a picture similar to the one above, on Facebook, and I voiced my displeasure about your current hair color haps. Then I tried to move on with my life. I really did. I went to get a coffee. I gave my dog her dog pills. I tried to think of other things to ponder, like how many times we will get to see Eric Northman's ass on this season of True Blood. Or why I can't stop watching Silence of the Lambs, like, nonstop.

BUT I COULDN'T GET THIS SHIT OUT OF MY MF-ING HEAD. Listen, I'm the last person that should judge a person's hair decisions. I make terrible life decisions, especially when it comes to my hair color. I'm that person that dyes their hair with blue-black boxed dye for several years, decides they want to be blonde, gets their hair done every two weeks until it's platinum blonde, then promptly dyes over it with black boxed dye again. I'm the actual worst hair-related-decision-making human.

That's why I feel like I can tell you this. I'm right here with you, sister. We can't be blonde. At least not this blonde. And, unlike you, I was born a blonde. (I watched every damn episode of Kids Incorporated, honey. From Fergie to you. Don't try me.) So it really hurts my nearly-unfeeling heart.

I blocked my friend's face so he won't have to be embarrassed by my hair choices.

LOOK AT US, JLH. WE LOOK LIKE A GD MATCHING SET OF MANILLA ENVELOPES, MAN. I'm not saying this to be a huge c-face (this time). I just wish someone had told me sooner.

I just got my hair done the other day, and when I told my stylist that I wanted to add a little more blonde, he said, "Okay, but you can't have too much near your face. Your skin tone has yellow undertones and your eyes are dark. It won't look right." That's the first time that a professional has told me that. Ever. In all of my precarious hair coloring history. Which is nearing 20 years. And he was right as a mofo.

I'm so sorry that I have to be the one to tell you. I know that it's shitty, but we can't all be blonde. It's like me, you and Jodi Arias. Them's the breaks, kid. Someone had to tell you.

At least you have a great rack, seem extremely sweet, and look absolutely beautiful with your various other hair colors. It gets better.

You have my deepest regrets,

Shan



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Wednesday, April 2, 2014

GUUUUUURL Of The Day (And Also) Tits Out For The Boys Tuesday: Nick Cannon's Dumb Effing Hair (Topless)




Nick Cannon is really annoying me, you guys. He's one of those people that I have never really gotten on board with comedy-wise, acting-wise, music-wise, or anything else-wise, so I just kind of overlook him. Like the cheese daily serving section of the food pyramid. (GD-it, I love cheese.)

BUT THIS BULLSHIT CANNOT BE IGNORED, AND I'M IRRITATED. What kind of nonsense is Nick Cannon trying to pull on his head area here? I am not exaggerating when I say that my raver friend did this to his hair in the late 90s. Dude is 15 years late and a box of chocolate brown hair dye short. Please do yourself a disservice and look at this pic from US Weekly of him showing off his dumb hair. This is ridiculous.


At least he had the common decency to take his damn top off in the second Instagram pic. Not all is lost I guess, because I get to be extra super lazy and combine two posts into one.


Congratulations, Mr. Cannon-Carey. You're the Tits Out For The Boys Tuesday recipient, so there's...that. I need to go eat cheese.




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