Friday, February 28, 2014

I'll Pay For That: The 5 Beauty Products That I Straight Up Refuse To Live Without

It's no secret (or it shouldn't be if people are honest) that one of the boss b*tch things about blogging about beauty stuffs is that you get to try products and such for free a lot. I always tell your asses when this happens, and I only talk about sh*t that I legit like and would feel good about telling you to try. I would never suggest something that I think is actual sh*t, because I would feel like a big old bag o' asses doing that. I have sent many, many a email to peeps saying that I won't review/talk about their product because it didn't work for me, or I wouldn't use it on the reg.


That being said, I'm pretty comfortable with using a variety of products at any given time, and just snatching up whatever is in my beauty arsenal. There are a veritable sh*t-ton of shampoos, eyeliners, mascaras, lipsticks, blah, blah, blah, that are all perfectly great, and that I can use without issue and enjoy them all. But, there are a few beauty items that I just simply won't live my life without, and will find a way to own, always. You've probably heard me talk about most of these one billion times because, uh, I tell you everything. So, don't slap my face off or anything if some of this sounds redundant.

#1. Maybelline Expert Eyes Twin Brow & Eye Pencils in Blonde


Go ahead, release all of your "DUHHHHs" into the universe, because I'm always talking about these thangs. But when it comes to eyebrow pencils, I will never, ever, ever let these Maybelline Expert Eyes Brow Pencils in blonde go. And not in a half-assed, hold-on-for-14-more-seconds-Rose kind of way.


These mofos cost around $3, depending on where you buy your mess, but are worth even more to me than Brenda Walsh's b*tchiness. They have actual staying power, aren't waxy, and are a great ashy color that works for any brow color. (Ladies with darker skin tones, or want a bolder brow, top the pencil with a darker brow or matte eyeshadow color.)

#2. Latisse


Before I started using Latisse years ago, I was really scared to try it. I had seen a lot of people that had used it and had semi-crazy spider lashes, and it was just way too much for me. But here's the real deal -- when you first start using Latisse, you use it every night until you get to the lash length that you're all about. After that, you move on to the maintenance phase, which means you just use it a few times a week to keep your lashes that length. So you're in control of how crazy-lashed you look.

Another point of contention when it comes to Latisse? Sh*t's expensive, man. The regular retail price is $120 for a bottle that is supposed to last a month. (P.S. Look for Latisse deals in your local area, you can find it much, much cheaper.) In reality, a bottle typically lasts me at least six. I can stretch that sh*t to the max by the technique that I use to apply it. If you want to know how, email me. I won't post it on the interwebs because it's slightly shady when it comes to sterility and such, and I don't want erry'body getting pink eye. But the friend that taught me this application technique is a medical aesthetician, so it's not wildly inappropriate.

You can also buy a generic version of Latisse, called Careprost, to cut down on costs. I just ordered some online, and it costs about $35 after shipping, although it might be coming from Mars for legal reasons. I'm not going to post a link to purchase it, because it is a prescription product, and I'm no legal effin' eagle...


and I don't want to go to jail and sh*t for recommending something semi-illegal. It's probably not 100% legit, but I'm not sure. Google at your own risk.


#3. Beauty Blender


Because my skin is a big ol' pile of poo, covering imperfections with foundation/concealer ranks high on my list of beauty priorities. I don't really remember my life before using the Beauty Blender, but it was probably also a pile of poo. Okay, enough about poo.

If you aren't that familiar with this little pink egg, it's a reusable makeup sponge that you use while damp. It's kind of pricey (like $20 per sponge), but they really last forever if you wash it on the reg. I've tried other cheaper brands that are of a similar idea, but none stack up to this little b*tch. It applies foundations and concealers evenly, and prevents your makeup from looking cakey. This just generally prevents the look of hot messiness on your mug.


#4. Clarisonic Mia


Listen, I know that Clarisonic products aren't cheap. But I got my Mia as a gift from my mom over three years ago, and homie is still going strong, so it's not a bad investment for $100. The only differences in the MIA and the full-sized (AKA more expensive) Clarisonics are the lack of ability to change the brush speed and you can't use a body brush on the OG Mia. No biggie smalls.

There are drugstore brands of face brushes out there, but I have to admit that I've never used them. The big difference is that the drugstore brushes have spinning heads, while the Clarisonic uses sonic vibrations to cleanse the skin. If you want more science-y deets, you can read more here. All I know is that if I go on an absent-minded bender and forget to use this baby for a period of time my skin is like, "What the eff, guess I'll just break out even more now. You're welcome." My skin is an a-hole, part 40938.

#5. Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion


Are you guys sick of me talking about PP yet? TOO BAD. I recommend this product to literally every single person I've ever talked to about makeup, both in real life and on the 'net. It makes your eyeshadow last all damn day, makes colors more vibrant, and doesn't allow those sneaky eyeshadow bastards to crease and get crazy.


Whenever I recommend Primer Potion I have people tell me that it's just too expensive for them, which I totally understand. Spending $20 on something that seems so unimportant in the scheme of things is tough to do. There are a couple of options on saving some dough on PP. You can always buy the travel size for $12. Because you use such a tiny amount, this baby-sized tube should still last you a really long time.

I also frequently find Primer Potion at places like Nordstrom Rack on discount, because Urban Decay changed the packaging a while back. So you can feel free to stock up on the old package types, and hoard the hell out of them. I SHALL NEVER RUN OUT. Muahahaha!


What beauty products do you guys refuse to live your lives without? Spill yo' sh*t!





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Thursday, February 27, 2014

Mila Kunis And Ashton Kutcher Are Getting Married

Mila was spotted shopping or doing some other inane activity earlier today, and paps caught that b ring-handed. Get it? I know, that was disgustingly pun-y. Homegirl was wearing an engagement ring, so clearly she and the Kutch are getting all legal and boring together. (Go on over to E! if you feel like checking out what her ring is all about.)

I don't know about you, but I'm all for these tabby cats marrying each other. They're both hot, they seem like they kind of hate everything, and they like wearing matching outfit. It's no Justin and Britney denim moment, but whatever.


I mean, if Ashton saw a human wearing those denim capris with a single, solitary pocket and didn't hit it and then quit it forever, then that sh*t is true love. Plus, I'm sure she's seen Dude, Where's My Car?, so she totally has a forgiving heart.


Congratu-effin-lations, you two sexy ass pieces of dry toast. (P.S. Dry toast is all you'll be able to eat for two weeks after watching that gif.)



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Homeboy From Felicity Is Getting Nakey To Sell Your Ass Some Towels

via people
Remember Scott Foley? I know him from Felicity, with a dash of True Blood and a side of Jen Garner, but he's also apparently on Scandal, which I have never seen. (I know, I know, I'm a gigantor a-hole for not watching it. I'M TOO BUSY WATCHING HORRIBLE REALITY TV. I HAVE PRIORITIES.) However you know his ass, Scott's latest gig is schilling towels and sheets to, I'm assuming, mofos that are into topless guys, with a company called Charisma. (Please let Charisma Carpenter own this company.)

I'm not familiar with this brand because I buy my sh*t (linens, if you're fancy) from Target and TJ Maxx clearance sections, and I'm not about that life. So, instead, let's just focus on the semi-nakey dude times.



Okay, okay. He's cute. And that blanket's pretty dope.


My night cheese (and wine) wouldn't kick that blanket out of bed for being too luxurious.



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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Greatest Moments Of Judgement In The Downton Abbey Finale


The finale of "Downton Abbey" was this week, and overall it was pretty damn adorable and full of feel goods. But don't be fooled, there were still a ton of judgey-faced moments to relish. Let's re-live them all together after the jump.

(Obvs, some light spoilers ahead if you haven't watched.)


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Tuesday, February 25, 2014

BEAUTY EMERGENCY: Desert Time, And The Livin' Ain't Easy


I came to a sudden realization the other day: I legit live in the desert. I was riding ATVs with my family, who were visiting, and as I was sitting there, covered in effin' dust from head to toe, it hit me like a ton of cacti. I LIVE IN A DESERT, FOR REAL. For real, for real.

I didn't really think that my (beauty) life would be that different coming to Arizona from Florida. I mean they're both hot, right? What a damn fool. I've had to switch up my beauty game A LOT to make up for this desert-dwelling life that I'm currently living. If you're a denizen of the badlands (or just need to get your hydration station on) keep reading, and we'll make it through this madness together.

Drop It Like It's Hot (BECAUSE IT IS)


"MYYYY EYEZZZ," is typically how my balls (eye type) feel when I'm just existing in this crazy, low-humidity mecca. So eye drops are a mega mf-ing factor in my current beauty routine. And, of course, my high maintenance ass can't just have some run-of-the mill eye drops for basic b*tches. I like a little something that burns a bit, like getting slapped in the eyeballs by a miniature telenovela star wearing black satin elbow-length gloves. But, you know, still gets the red out.


That's where cooling eye drops come in. I've always liked Rhoto Cool Eye Drops for my eyeball burning and brightening needs, but after going to four stores searching for them and coming up empty-handed, I googled and found out that they have been temporarily recalled. So I found the next best thing in Clear eyes Cooling Comfort Redness Relief, which I found to be essentially the same. They burn like hell, and it feels so good.

Moisturize Every-damn-thang


Oh, hey, have I mentioned it's dry in this b*tch? I have hordes of ulta-moisturizing prods that I've accumulated over the years, but I've never really had much use for them, due to my horrible oily skin. But guess what? How the tables have turned...Not only am I still dealing with my glorious adult acne, but I've also started getting flaky, dry skin. WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?


So to cope with this latest turn of event, I've found an arsenal of products to keep my mug lubed to the max. (Gross.) For my nightly moisturizing needs, I am really enjoying the deep moisturizing benefits of CLINIQUE Moisture Surge Intense For Very Dry To Dry Combination Skin. It's oil-free and kind of like a gel-type texture, so I don't feel like I've been pied in the face with a heavy cream pie after applying it.

I really need to use a heavier eye cream here, too, and I'm into RoC Multi-Correxion Lift Anti-Gravity Night Cream for that. It supposedly "lifts" your eye area, which I don't know about all of that sorcery, but it's really moisturizing and soaks in nicely. I don't feel like the foot of a crow has firmly imprinted itself upon my eyes, so, so far it's aces.

When it comes to that easier-to-dry-out-than-beef-jerky-in-a-food-dehydrator lip area, I'm full-on obsessed with Korres Lip Butter in Guava. It's straight heavenly, yo. It's buttery (duh), tastes really good, and it doesn't feel oily or weird. Pretty much, it makes me feel like I have rich lady lips.

Put a Tan (and Some SPF) On It


I'm mos def an indoor cat, which leads to my pallid skin tone and dire need for sunless tanner-tinged lotions. Also, the sun is strong and bright as a mofo here, so daily SPF is a must for when I'm walking to the mailbox, or something. This Jergens Natural Glow & Protect Daily Moisturizer with SPF 20 covers all of those necessary bases, and is easy as sh*t to use -- you just slap it on like your garden variety bod lotion and keep it moving to twitter stalking people, or whatever your daily life entails.

Nude-y Show Nails


I'm pretty much living in a big ass dusty ass dust bowl, and that does NOT bode well in the mani department. Goth nails in shades of black and deep burgundy (my go-to favorites) will be covered in dust in, like, 3.47 seconds, so picking a nude-ish shades like Deborah Lippmann's Human Nature or Floss Gloss' Tanlines is a boss b*tch decision. Plus, you'll have total mannequin hands. Everyone wins.





Disclaimer: Some of these items were given to me as press samples, and some were purchased by my broke ass. Pin It

Friday, February 21, 2014

TGIF! Who Wants To Sing Sensually With Someone Named 'Keyboard Cathy' About Sashimi?



Oh, man. You know it's going to be great music video experience when that little artist/title thingy doesn't leave the corner of the screen for well over a minute. You really know that things are headed to Perfection-ville, population Cathy, when she removes her sunglasses apparatus from her sensible Lens Crafters creations. Those were NOT from the $99 wall, I can almost guarantee.


But then things start taking an odd turn for me. When KC goes on about "tasting adventure," sh*t got weird. Keyboard Cathy clearly very feels VERY sensual feelings about sashimi, you guys. Wait. Is this really just a bowl-cutted video full of sexual innuendo? By the eyebrows at the 2:41 mark, I don't really think that it could be anything else. OH MY GOD, AT 3:35 IT'S ALL JUST TOO MUCH. Is Key Key possibly talking about try her OTHER bowl cut? And is it...is it...pierced?


Well, I probably just ruined your weekend, your life, and any chance in hell of you going to a sushi restaurant again, so also the sushi industry as a whole. My work here is done.


via reddit


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Thursday, February 20, 2014

Our Fake Best Friend Kristen Wiig Pretends To Be Harry Styles On "The Tonight Show," Is Predictably Adorable.



Kristen Wiig was on the new Jimmy Fallon's "Tonight Show" the other night, and she pretended to be One Direction's (1 Direction's? I'm too old for this sh*t) Harry Styles for the duration of her interview. And it seems like Kristen knows about as much as I do about Harry, AKA the human person under this hair:


Pretty much nothing, except that his shoes are comical. But she's definitely right on about one thing -- carnitas are amazing.


If you missed K Dubs as Michael Jordan when she was on Jimmy's show a few months ago, do yourself a damn solid and watch it here.



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I Report, You Decide: Is Robert Pattinson A Dark-Haired Beauty?

pic via us weekly
I've never really been a part of that whole oh-my-god-r-patts-is-so-hot-vampires-vampires-vampires bandwagon. I'm more of the he's-okay-and-stuff camp. I kind of thought that his name was Robert Patterson for, like, three years. B*tches be gettin' old, man.


But here's Patty cakes on the set of some movie (I can't be bothered) with some fresh dark hairs, and I'm not really sure how I feel about him all of a sudden.


He's kind of giving me a darker, hotter vibe, but maybe I'm just falling for the douche smug he's got wiped all over his face in this picture. My ovaries can occasionally get temporarily bewitched due to smugness, so I can't really be sure.

Help me figure it out. Is Robbie looking hot, or am I being straight up delusional right now?





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Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Gettin' Sh*t Done On The Cheap: DIY Banana And Honey Hair Mask

Sometimes, in life, that cash flow source is strong to quite strong, and other times you're broke as a joke. Sh*t happens, and whatnot. Just because it might be one of those times when you've got way less disposable income, doesn't mean you have to give up your beauty game.


Bananas are packed with vitamins, healthy oils, and a bunch of that good good that makes head hairs gaww-geous. Whipping up a beneficial banana hair mask right in your kitchen takes about 1.4 seconds and contains sh*t that you probably already have up in your semi-bare cabinets.

Pro tip: Look behind the wine.


Grab a bowl, a ripe ass banana, and some honey. End of list.


Break up the nanner and put it in the bowl with about a teaspoon of honey.

Pro tip: Don't eat the mixture, no matter how tempted you are at this point. (And you will be tempted. Trust.)


Blend it all together, getting out all of the lumps. If you don't, those chunky chunks will get caught up in your mop, and ain't nobody got time for that.


Once you're blended into smoothness, put it all over your hair. Put a shower cap on your noggin, or wrap it up with plastic wrap, if that's more your speed. Leave your science experiment on for 20 minutes or so. Then rinse, and get back to your regularly scheduled program of shamps and conditioning.

Make sure you're insanely thorough with the rinse/shampoo job, because my lazy ass still had bits of banana in my hair. But banana pieces aside, my hair was left moisturized and smooth. Bonus points for everything smelling like a damn smoothie.


Looking for a more intensive DIY hair mask? Check out the coconut oil hair mask here.




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Sunday, February 16, 2014

GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Katy Perry's Craft Store Grill



This is the "Dark Horse" teaser video. This is also Katy Perry wearing effing gigantic rhinestones on her teeth. Like, GIGANTIC. Like, so big that homie can't close her mouth and the Titanic crashed into it.


Cleopatra is all, "What the f*ck is this ridiculous b doing?" from her sarcophagus made from completely non-rhinestone jewels right now. What a historical abomination.

via realitytvgifs




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Friday, February 14, 2014

Drunk Blogging: Valentine's Day Is Dumb.

via realitytvgifs
I don't know why this day exists. I tried to wikipedia it, but I don't know what the eff 72% of those words mean. But you know what I do know? Valentine's Day is super dumb, you guys.

I'm old, boring as sh*t and married now, but I was once a young buck, and I've had kind of almost a million boyfriends. (#humblebrag)


Do you know how many Valentine's Days that I actually remember? ZERO. Okay, that's a semi-lie. I remember one. When I was 14 (don't worry, it's not about to get Chris Hansen-ish), I was "hanging out" lite with this guy. Like, we didn't even acknowledge each other at school because he was a Senior and I was a Freshman that looked like this kind of thing:

THIS IS REAL LIFE.
You get the idea. So, it's dummy dumb idiot Valentine's Day and I get off the bus and get to my house, and there's one of those gigantic, white-teddy-bears-holding-a-heart-or-some-bullsh*t sitting on my doorstep. And somehow (I guess he called me on my rotary home phone) I found out it was from hangout homeboy:

ACTUAL DUDE.
And that was the moment that I knew that this holiday is crazy. I don't need your overpriced bear, bro. We aren't on that level, and even if we were, that sh*t was probably $57 dollars at a mall kiosk. You ripped yourself a new a-hole. I don't like flowers (I like them growing in the ground), I don't like chocolate, and I don't like jewelry. Like, tell me you like me on a random Tuesday over some cheese sticks, or something.


Why reserve that stuff for one designated day of the year? Because you know what? I love your asses every day of the mf-ing year. If I could make it rain some champs and chocolate through via the internets every day all of your faces, I would. That's the real real.

Now back to regularly scheduled b*tchery. Are you guys into V Day? VD? Vampire Diaries? Tell me your stories.



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Thursday, February 13, 2014

BREAKING NEWS: Models Rejected Our Boyfriend, Jared Leto.


It's currently New York Fashion Week (and also Valentine's week), but that didn't stop a couple of models with ice-cold hearts from rejecting the world's prettiest man, Jared Leto. Here's what happened, from Page Six:

Jared Leto struck out Tuesday when he asked a female friend to help him ask for two models’ phone numbers at a Fashion Week bash.
The Oscar-nominated “Dallas Buyers Club” star was chatting with and “twirling around” the models at Guess’ On the Road to Nashville party.
Later, Leto sent his friend over to get their numbers. But, to his surprise “They said no,” our spy reports.

THEY SAID NO. NO.  Listen, models, I know you're all model-y and hot, and therefor it's great for you to use some discretion when giving out your number, and sh*t. I'm not in that gorgeous creature life, so I can't judge you for that. But this is Jared Leto.

Maybe you don't follow him on Instagram, so you couldn't be instantly charmed by his vegan pancake flipping video.



And you're models, so I'm assuming you are of a ripe, young age, so maybe you've been caught unaware with the likes of JORDAN mf-ing CATALANO.


I guess it's possible that you're allergic to flannel and corduroy, or something, but take a Benadryl and solider the eff on. Us normals are counting on you, hot models, to take a seat on the Leto Express. If you don't, we run the risk of acts of domestic terrorism like this happening:

via j's instagram
This is NOT an option.

P.S. Leto, you might need to re-up on your game techniques. You sent a friend over to simultaneously get two girls' numbers after you twirled around them. You're in the big leagues now. This ain't some Angela Chase sh*t.



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Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Beauty Lessons I've Learned From Glam As Eff Celebrity Kids

We already know that celebrities primarily have their crap together, looks-wise. As if that doesn't wound your ego enough, how can we even feel semi-cool when so many celebrity kids are such badass mofos? Instead of just being insanely jealous of these small humans, I've gleaned some valuable lessons from their far-more-glamorous-than-mine lifestyles, and how they can enhance our boring, adult lives.

Lesson #1: Maddox Jolie-Pitt's brave ass bleached mohawk haircut reminds you to take a chance and get that gutsy cut.
 

If a five year old (or whatever, I'm terrible with kid ages) can get a haircut that's avant garde as sh*t, then maybe you can get more than a trim next time you hit up the Cost Cutters. Our hair can be a kind of living, growing security blanket, and changing it can take balls, but it's also an accessory that you wear every damn day so it better be pretty cool. If you feel like chopping that sh*t and matching your spirit animal Jennifer Lawrence, listen to Sara Bareilles' "Brave" on repeat three times and do it. It's just hair, IT WILL GROW BACK.


Lesson #2: Suri Cruise's constant elegance shows you CAN get your sh*t together and do a DIY mani.


Oh, who is that, Blair Waldorf? Nope, that's mf-ing Suri Cruise, who is in preschool, or some sh*t, wearing t-stap heels and a chic, floral, bubble-hemmed dress. This picture is really putting a harsh microscope on the extent of my laziness. While I find it hard to wash my hair on the reg, Suri already knows how to wear hear metallic handbag in a cross-body fashion.


I know, I know, Suri. I feel your eyes of judgement. I'll paint my toenails tomorrow.

Lesson #3: Skyler Zoe schools us on letting your beautiful curly-haired flag fly.


Hair is the world's biggest case of that annoying old tripe, "you always want what you can't have." But embracing the natural texture of your hair can be a gorgeous thing, and if you don't believe me, just ask this kid's ridiculous lovely locks. Living in these modern times (old), there are roughly 83 trillion hair products out there, so find the right combo that works for your hair and work that sh*t.


Not you, Biebs. Not you.

Lesson #4: Stafani/Rossdale kids are beacons for not being afraid to try a trend.


Listen, these kids are f*cking way, way cooler than you.  Do you have a badass professor-y looking tweed vest? Are you currently wearing a bow tie with a checkered shirt? Didn't think so. But even though we are all infinitely more pedestrian than these tiny children, we can still learn from their edge and flair. Don't be afraid to wear that bold ass purple lipstick! Zuma (Zima? Zumba? Simba?) would totally encourage it. Feel like wearing some super-extreme cat eye liner? Kingston approves. He's wearing flame shoes. Trust him.


Lesson #5: Levi McConaughey needs you to chill the hell out.


I know, I know, life's a b*tch and then you die, and all that jazz. But we could definitely learn a little something from the offspring of Matty McC, and be a little more hippie and zen-like. Stress is one of the biggest things that can wreak havoc on your beauty life and your life life, so learning to deal with it will actually make you hotter. You've got to do what you have to do to decompress -- workout if it helps, drink so damn cozy time tea, read yourself a bedtime story, I don't give an eff. Figure out your deal and make yourself feel better. And maybe try walking a bandana-wearing dog, or something.

Lesson #6: Shiloh Jolie-Pitt says do you and forget everyone's opinions.


Shiloh is a down-ass little person. She's all about breaking down gender barriers and schooling b*tches on being themselves. Shiloh does and wears what she wants, and I love it. If a kid this young can be true to their style and to themselves, then the horrible adults of this earth can all do the same.

Lesson #7: Louis Bullock lives by the motto, "When in doubt, hat it out."


LLASC, you guys. (That's Louis loves a smart chapeau, if you're a lame.) Listen, there's not much better in this life than a bangin' statement accessory, and hats near the top of the list. My favorite thing about hats? They cover dirty hair, AKA irrefutable visual evidence of my laziness. But they also add style, sass, grunge, weirdness, femininity, or whatever deal you're working with to a basic bones outfit. So take a page from lil' Louis' style book and put a hat on that sh*t.


What celebrity kid do you guys love? Did I miss anyone? Blue Ivy asked me not to mention her. She said her life is none of our damn business.



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