Wednesday, August 28, 2013

My Latest Non-Beauty Tenderonis

I know that I'm usually up your asses with beauty this and beauty that, so today I'm taking a break from that sh*t and talking about my current ride-or-die b*tches of the non-beauty world.

Bkr Water Bottle in Bambi

bkr water bottle in bambi, $28
You guys, I am OBSESSED with this damn water bottle. When the bkr (pronounced like beaker) people sent me one of their water bottles, this one is called Bambi, I didn't think I'd give an eff about it. I have roughly 34543580 water bottles, and I usually feel a big ass "meh" about them. I MEAN IT'S A WATER BOTTLE FOR EFF'S SAKE.


 But there something about this one that makes me use it every day. Maybe it's the fact that the mouth part is small like a plastic water bottle. Or that water just tastes good as f*ck from glass. Or that it's small, so it's not heavy. I don't know. But I love it. Get off me. And people are always weirdly complementing me on it. So, if you like strangers giving you random complements, this is the bout it, bout it bottle for your ass. Check the full color selection here.

Urbanears Zinken Headphones in Olive


urbanears zinken in olive, $99.90
Holy sh*t, man. These headphones are the HBICs. I've been wanting to try some DJ-style headphones for a while, but I never got around to getting any. So, when the Urbanears peeps sent these to me, I pretty much lost my damn mind. There are some ridiculously badass features on these little puppies, like: a socket that allows another set of headphones to plug into for music sharing (if you actually happen to like other people), they're collapsible, and there's a cool little microphone/remote thingy that has a button that will pause your music and pick up calls when it's plugged into your phone.


Like I said -- f*cking awesome. Oh, and you really and truly can't hear ish when you've got them on. So, if you love ignoring b's (Who doesn't?!?), they're perfection. Check out all the colors and such here.

All Cat Errrythang


So, this one is a little random, but I CAN'T STOP BUYING SH*T WITH CATS ON IT.


I know, I'm a grown ass woman, and I have a child's cat phone case. With effing ears on it. Jesus take the wheel, because my ass can't stop. And, sadly, this is just a fraction of the cat bullsh*t that I have.


But, at least I'm in hot company, because Olivia Wilde is into "PAWS" shirts, too. So take that, mofos!



Sonofab*tch, I forgot how bad Take That was. Slow snaps in the rain all around. Ugh. I just hate watched all 3:59 of that mess.

P.S. If you ever find yourself caught in a super-sexual rain storm, TAKE OF YOUR FUR HAT WITH FLAPS. That sh*t makes no kind of damn sense.






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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Meanwhile, Where the Eff is Britney Spears?

As my breaking heart noticed the other night, Brit Brit was nowhere to be found at the VMAs this year. With JT pretty much posted up in that b*tch for 17 hrs on stage, I couldn't help but think of the world's most perfect moment that the public has ever witnessed, which happened to occur at the VMAs.

via mtv
Nothing in the history of the world has ever, ever been so beautiful. Even the bodyguard-type dude in the background has a finger boner over Brit's divine purse.

So, where, exactly, was Britney this weekend?

via dailymail
The only logical place -- Tony Roma's. And wearing this beautiful outfit, which is really only suited to cleaning out the garage. This is totally an outfit created from lost and found items you'd have to wear if you forgot your P.E. clothes in middle school. C'mon, Brit.

via mylifethroughkristenwiig
I would take this saddest moment in weave history over friggin' TONY ROMA'S.


 Come back, Brit. Come back.


I shall listen to nothing but "Lucky" on repeat until next year, with hope in my heart.






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Monday, August 26, 2013

The Lazy Diaries: The Best Product to Get Yo' Self Tan on With Minimal Effort

Being lazy is almost a full-time job, you guys.


And looking like you have two effs to rub together, while still doing the bare minimum, really needs to be in the Olympics, because that ish is straight CHALLENGING. Especially if you're trying to keep your self tanning game tight and un-Lohan-ish.

I've been on a self tanning kick because I dyed my hair really dark, as I always tend to do, and if I don't maintain at least SOME level of self tan, I look like a dead, or at least undead, person. It's quite a conundrum. I also ran out of one of my other favorite lazy tanning products, Jergens Natural Glow Foaming Moisturizer, so I've been scavenging through all of my self tanning products that people have sent me and I've yet to try. That's when I came across this little delicious gumdrop of tan.

dr. dennis gross alpha beta glow pad for body, $45 for 8 pads
Here's the thing -- I really pretty much love every effing Dr. Dennis Gross product that I've ever tried, and I've even used the hell of the face version of these, so I don't really know what my dumb dumb effing deal was about not trying the body pads earlier. Sometimes I feel like I need to see receipts on my brain waves. Sh*t's spacey. (And not even cool like Kevin Spacey.)


Regardless of my bullsh*t, I finally got around to trying these things, and THEY ARE MY B*TCHES. This formula is the only full-on self tanner that I can actually use in the morning before work, get dressed 30 minutes later, and look like a reg person and not an insane (Clown Posse) one. And it takes me less than five minutes to apply. You rub the towel thingy on your skin in circles, follow up with body lotion, and that's it, kitten. You're on your tanned ass way.


Yeah, it's seriously that easy. And I'm about that life. My only gripe about these is that they aren't some damn magical box that replenishes itself at my demanding ass will.


Get your own damn lazy on here.




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My Open Letter to the VMAs

Hey MTV,

How's it been going for your asses lately? I'm pretty well-outside your target demographic, so I don't usually watch your sh*t much, anymore. (Except Catfish. Get Slow Clap from last night's episode his own True Life, immediately.) But I did DVR the VMAs to see if there was anything that my old ass gave one f*ck about, and here's what I noticed.


Every b*tch on the block is super up-in-arms over Miley Cyrus' "risque" performance, to which I say, mullet, please. Homegirl is 20 YEARS OLD. Do you know what my trash bag ass would have been doing on a stage at this age? Thank you, universe, for no cell phone cameras in the early 00's, or I would have proof of my skank antics. I'm not impressed.

I do have two issues with Miley, as of late. First, I know that I'm as old as sh*t, but what's with the tongue thing? You have a long tongue area. Yay?

via mylifethroughkristenwiig
My other problem with MC is this:


Boo Boo Thang thinks she can dance. And you, MTV VMAs, are encouraging that effery. Listen, Miley seems like a nice enough, albeit kind of annoying, young lady. But I have f*cking had quite enough of this world collectively pretending like this baby Pinocchio can twerk. It's not good, Miley.


By this time, I'm sure you've seen Rih Rih's (and her friend that looks like Monica circa '99) unimpressed c-face over Miley's performance. But, here's the best reaction from the crowd:


I feel you, sir. It's all very, very confusing. Let's move on.


Next, I need to holla at the costume department, because you guys need to get your sh*t together. Most of the "older" (Heeeey, dudes my age. Whaddup?) guys' clothes were WAY TOO F*CKING TIGHT and unflattering. We ain't in our 20's anymore, Robin, and stretchy suits only stretch so much. Lycra isn't a damn miracle worker.


Then the angel of my heart, and the star of the VMAs showed up, right in the middle of JT's 2 hour long concert.


No, not all of 'N Sync. (By the way, can we talk about what an awful name 'N Sync is for a boy band? It's the cheesiest. Sorry, Kraft Mac 'n Cheese.)

I'm talking about this magnificent unicorn:


Chris Kirkpatrick, in all of his ill-fitting suit glory. (RIP, multicolored Chris Kirkpatrick braids. My weave wept for your passing.)


I mean, look how OUT OF SYNC he is with his dance moves. IT'S EFFING ADORABLE.


 And his "super try hard" face. Or, it could have been his pants ripping, because like I said...


Sh*t was tight last night in the mens' suit department. But the best second of the night was this moment:


K-Pat's all like, "Damn, I don't know if my nearing-middle-aged ass can keep dancing. ARRRGGHHHA. What's next? 'Bye Bye Bye' hands?" And then JT's like, "Are you serious, man? It's 30 seconds. Try mall walking on Sundays, or something, dude." NIGHT OVER.

So, listen, MTV. Just let Chris Kirkpatrick come out with a dance show, or some sh*t. But let the man's suit out a damn inch or two.

Love Always,

Shannon

P.S. This sh*t was awkward for all, JC.


Your singing portion was over, time to take a seat. Stop trying to make a solo happen. This isn't an episode of Glee.




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Thursday, August 22, 2013

MacGyver Makeup Creations -- The Deep Wine Lip


As evidenced by this tweet, I've been semi-obesessing over wine lips as of late. Listen, this lip is not for people that like to pussyfoot around (or even dick around) with the bold lip thing. It's really only for those that are downright bout it, bout it.

I've been searching for a perfect wine lip product, so if you've got a line on one, let my ass know. I don't really want one Gaga dark, but definitely bold as f*ck. But in the meantime, I decided to play around with the million lip things that I already have to find something to tide my impatient ass over.


I started by lining my lips with a nude-ish liner, and then applied MAC Pro Longwear Lipcreme in Approaching Storm with a lip brush, because that sh*t is darker than my effing soul if you apply it directly.


I topped it off with Styli-Style Lip Paint in Tres Chic. End of story, maybe I pussyfooted around the lipstick portion of this deal too much, because I really wish I ended up with a darker result. And I'll keep searching for a badass b*tch of a deep wine lipstick/gloss/whatever the eff. But for now, I've MacGyver-ed some ish that I can live with. Result level -- pretty, pretty, pretty...okay.




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Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure
Because my ass is full-on obsessed with Orange is the New Black, I made a weird Choose Your Own Adventure-style beauty game for you to live your beauty lives vicariously through your favorite ladies of OITNB. Figure out which one you are, and live your damn life accordingly. Check that sh*t here.



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Tuesday, August 20, 2013

True Blood Musings: Low-Hanging Fruit

For most of this episode, I felt like this:


BECAUSE IT WAS THE FINALE, MUTHAF*CKAS. (And I'm used to being boozy. And bougie.) Let's talk about it after the damn jump.


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Thursday, August 15, 2013

Well, All Five of My Senses Just Rejected Themselves From My Body, So Tan Mom Must Have a New Music Video Out.



You guys, seriously, don't watch this sh*t. It's the actual worst thing.


Tell me about it, Fancy Cat. TM name drops some annoying asses in this mess, like Teen Mom Farrah and Michael Lohan. Why not mention Puck from The Real World while you're at it? I mean, we're just mentioning random ass people, right?

But really, when will this Tan-Mom-trying-to-sing-grossness nightmare end? A kiosk-bought acrylic clip-in pony tail does not a terrible pop star make, Patricia. But I will say that homegirl is totally killing it with the brown lip liner and frosted white lipstick, 1998 style. (Spoiler alert: No, she's not.)

But, I do have a few (least) favorite moments in this sh*t cesspool. Around the 1:55 mark, she she's talking about how she's sober now and says, "Hell no to the no." Most prolific lyric of our generation? Then around 2:09, she drops the bomb on us THAT SHE HAS A SKIN CARE LINE.

But the best part comes at 2:15, where SHE'S WEARING A LACE THONG AND A SMILE. That poor Italian Greyhound probably has a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome and permanent ringing of the ears. The only bright spot in this student horror film is the chest hair dude's dance moves. That sh*t on point.


 I know I won't, no matter how much bleach I pour into my ear holes.





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Wednesday, August 14, 2013

New Badass Skin Care Line Alert -- Drunk Elephant

 First off, you can't even hate on a brand that has "drunk" in its name.


 It's effin' impossible.  Here's the deal on this COMING OUT TODAY brand -- it's not some cheap ass drugstore skin care, but it's super legit.

drunk elephant virgin marula luxury face oil, $72
Here's a little about the line from the founder, Tiffany, who is pretty much my opposite (AKA really nice and smart):

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Tuesday, August 13, 2013

BREAKING NEWS: K Fed Gets Married, Doesn't Look Bad

pic via people mag
You guys might've heard that Kevin Federline married his tall girlfriend over the weekend. (Somewhere, Shar Jackson is PISSED.) All of that is fine and good, I mean he also had a kid with Tally Talls (street name Victoria Prince, which is total 1996 Penthouse Pet name, and I mean that as a sincere complement), so "yay!" for due diligence, or something. But here's the meat and potatoes of the matter -- K FED IS LOOKING AIIIGHT.

pic via people mag
Yes, his hair is very 90's Thom Yorke.


But, considering star-shaped cornrows have been a viable hairstyle choice of his in the past, dude looks good.


Stars are for Lucky Charms, not hair shapes.


And there's a 0% chance of over-sized t-shirts in that b*tch, too, so I'm effing really happy.


But, I am disappointed to not see one of these klassy azz garter/mini dress pictures in the new Federline wedding photo album. (I'm lying. This sh*t was gross and unnecessary for all human and animal eyeballs.)

Bottom line, K Fed is making me feel like he's borderline hot here, with minimal white trash vibe. UPGRADE!





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