Thursday, May 30, 2013

No Doy of the Day: Joe Manganiello is Hot and Muscle-y

Have you mofos noticed an upswing in my True Blood-related posting? I'm gearing up for that sh*t, because, once again, I'll be doing my (totally not) infamous TB recaps. And in that vein (heh), here's Joe Manganiello (whose name I have to google EVERY EFFING TIME for spelling), from the UK edition of Men's Health. Apparently, America is not ready for that jelly.


Well, maybe we aren't. Let's look some more, just for science, and stuff.


Errrm, nope. Not ready.


It certainly is, sir. 'Merica.



JM pics via NY Daily News Pin It

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure
This week for Allure, I delve into ways to Graduate Your Beauty Look. Go check it out and stop boring the sh*t out of yourself when you look in the mirror.



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Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Quick Sh*t: Bradley Cooper's Hair is Trying to Copy Gwen Stefani

Remember when Gwen Stefani had this hair?


And this?


And this?


Now, Bradley Cooper is trying to make this happen:

via buzzfeed
Nope. America as a whole rejects this idea, BC. I asked every single human person. No, I didn't, but I know that they agree.


Hair -- you're doing it wrong, Bradley Cooper.



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Cures for the Long Weekend Beauty Hangover

I hope you mofos had an amazing ass long weekend, if you had one of those. If you didn't, then sorry for bringing that sh*t up. What a b. I had to work, then I balled out by visiting my Gam Gam, and I also watched a b-hole-load of Arrested Development while doing a lot of this:


So, I wilded the eff out. (No, I didn't.) If you did, in fact, get crunk this weekend, you are probably recovering in some way or another from some kind of unfortunate decision-making that you partook in. But don't worry your sweet ass about anything. I've got your (beauty) solutions covered. Anything else, you might want to have a doctor look at that mess.

Awkward Tan Lines
 
I'm sure a ton of your asses were all laid up on the beach/pool/side of the road/back yard this weekend, soaking up that first bit of summer. Number one: WEAR YOUR SUNSCREEN, B's. Looking raggedy in your 20's is not a good look. But it's possible that you got a little careless and missed a couple of applications. You're a human; it happens. (I'm sure mai tai consumption had ZERO things to do with that.) Unfortunately, I really have a severe anti-boner over weird tan lines. It just makes me imagine people wearing this nonsense on a beach, and livin' it up, Ja Rule style.


That is just awkward as sh*t for everyone in your workplace. There's an easy solution for this problem, though. The best thing to do is to take one of those small foam paintbrushes, or a makeup sponge, and paint on a coat or two of self tanner to those tan lines. It will help blur them, at least, if not blend them away completely. Please, I beg of you, don't wear a weird tube top with weird tan lines. Unless you star in some tan line fetish, um, material. In that case, carry the eff on. Get money.

Hamburglar Under Eye Circles
i stole this from an ANGELFIRE page. can't you tell???
Aren't dark ass under eye circles the balls, you guys? No one wants to look like a friggin' corpse bride in this b*tch. And they can be RIDICULOUS to cover. But there is a little trick to covering those a-holes on your face. You have to use a yellow-y concealer to cover anything with a blue undertone, like dark circles. I did makeup in a medi spa for a hot minute, and I had to cover stuff like bruises from Botox and fillers. The best bet was to use the super yellow-toned concealer, and pat it on the bruises, which is essentially what dark circles are. Blend well and cover with a powder that matched your actual skin tone. You'll totally unzombify yourself. It works.

Fried, Insane Hair

Sometimes in life, your hair looks almost like this. Whether it is sun damaged, over-hairsprayed from long nights out, or heat damaged. The easiest and cheapest cure for this is an oil treatment, and I'm not talking V05. I love a good coconut oil hair treatment, but you can also use olive oil if you happen to have it. Rub some between your palms, and apply it to dry hair until it's pretty saturated all over. Leave it on for at least 30 minutes, and then shampoo really well and LIGHTLY condition. Your frizzed out mess will be waaaay more moisturized and manageable. Then you are free to go cook some eggs or some sh*t with the rest of the oil. Don't forget bacon.

No matter what kind of beauty damage you did to yourself this weekend, you can be sure of one thing -- it wasn't as bad as this.



"Whoooot's goin' on?" Chillin', chillin'. Rollin' with the homies. Welcome back to the real world, b*tches.







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Saturday, May 25, 2013

Quick Sh*t: This Picture Just Made My Life

via r simms facebook
I love this picture so much that I can't even handle it. We've got my fashion idol, Richard Simmons, Sookie, and stupid-faced Bill all in one picture. My heart wants to explode with love and disdain. Richard's life has totally been made by this ish for some reason -- look at his face. And Sookie and Bill are looking smug as eff; like they can't wait to laugh about this mess on the ride back to their vampire mansion. Rude. But I think that Richie got mixed up on the premiere date for that HBO Liberace movie and made that hot ass vest from his guest bedroom duvet on the fly. Or like he's taken a part time job as a wedding dress consultant, in hopes that he can be on next season's Say Yes to the Dress. (Don't listen to me. I'm just jealous that I didn't think of those ideas.)


I can die happy (Heh, right.) now. Okay, bye.





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Friday, May 24, 2013

I've Been Making It Rain With the Shamps (and Conditioner).

I'm weirdly picky when it comes to shampoo and conditioner combos. I know, shocking, considering I don't give an eff about anything. So I currently have an unusual situation happening. I was sent samples of three different shampoo and conditioner deals, from three different brands, AND I LOVE ALL OF THOSE B'S. I couldn't even pick one that I was feeling the most, so eff it, I'll talk about all three, BECAUSE THIS IS MY BLOG AND I DO WHAT I WANT.


Yep, it's like that. And you know what else it's like?


This. Because if you aren't into Jackee Harry and Dolly Parton shaking their sh*t in insane space-y garb, I can't even with your ass. Now let's get to business.

Eufora Beautifying Exilirs Bodifying Shampoo & Conditioner


Smells Like -- citrus-y, fresh stuff. (I'm the worst at describing smells. Good. It smells good.)

Yeah, Science! -- These Eufora products contain the Vibrant Color Complex, which you can read about by clicking, because, science. Plus, the  entire line of nine products is "based in an ALL Plant Essence of Sage and Thyme and contains ZERO water or fillers. In addition, Beautifying Elixirs does not contain: Artificial Aromas, Colorants, Sulfates, Parabens, Gluten, Mineral Oil, Petrolatum, Propylene Glycol, Sodium Chloride, Phthalates, Formaldehyde." Okay, so it smells herb-like. But not gross herbs. I promise!

Why I Love This Ish -- My hair is really fine, so it makes my hair way more voluminous. The conditioner is really lightweight, but moisturizing, which is a major feat. This combo is seriously s'mores-levels of amazingness. It has turned a tiny part of my coal heart into a diamond.

Price -- Get these badass b's for $28.50 for the shampoo and $29.99 for the conditioner. Click here to find out more about the products and find a salon near you that sells it.

Evolution Keratin Moisturizing Shampoo & Conditioner

Smells Like -- sexy, perfume-ish fragrance. Like a Pantene/Biolage hybrid, so obviously, delish.

Yeah, Science! -- These puppies are made for hair that has had a keratin treatment, so they're gentle and moisturizing, and great for color-treated hair. They contain that good good like Argan oil and vitamin E, and don't have the bad bad like sulfates and sodium chloride.

Why I Love This Ish -- This stuff just feels sumptuous, like a spa day that takes place on a rose petal. My hair always feels soft and hydrated after using these mofos. Silky haired vixen, party of one. (Or more, if you b's are coming. BYOW.)

Price -- $25 for the pair. To purchase, click here, and click here to find out more about these babies.

Van Thomas Concepts Christine Shampoo & Reconstruct Conditioner

Smells Like -- a Sweet Tart, real talk. Dammit, I'm hungry.

Yeah, Science! -- These homies have something called The Life Complex (sounds sexy) which is made up of keratin, silk proteins, and jojoba oil, and helps replenish nutrients in your hair. It's what TLC named themselves after. (No. No, it isn't.)

Why I Love This Ish -- The combination of these two is pretty damn flawless. The shampoo is really cleansing, then that beast of a Reconstruct conditioner just makes my hair feel healthy, man. Plus, the packaging says cute ish like "This package includes: a new and improved head of hair. Note: not a new and improved you. You already rock." Cue the "AWWWWW" soundtrack!

Price -- You can get the duo for $45, or the shampoo for $18 and the conditioner for $32. Click here to chigity check it.
With all this clean and condition talk, I think I need to go get down on some of these prods. My hair is dirtier than an actual MOP mop right now.





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Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Demi Moore's Boyfriend Has a Pearl Ween.


And I'm not talking about tampons, here, people. This surprised-caveman-looking homeboy is apparently Demi Moore's boyfriend, Will Hanigan. It is not a remake of Brendan Frasier's Caveman, sadly. This is real life.


According to the NY Daily News, dude has a pearl in his wee wee parts because he's a pearl diver, or something:

“He had a pearl inserted in his penis when he was in his late teens,” said a source. “It is pearl farming tradition and he would always joke about it in Australia. He’d boast it’d give girls extra stimulation in the bedroom.”

Can I be real for a minute? I don't even know what the eff that means. I first thought they meant in the hole, but that doesn't even make sense. So like a piercing thing? Who wants to have a weiner o'pearls?




Yep. Totally this dude. I think I can see his pearl in this picture. 


 Not today, pearl pants, not today.




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Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Ballsy on a Budget -- Pop on the Mouth (OF COLOR)

I'm writing this in the dark, with a waning energy source, a full-on sh*tty wifi hotspot, and two insane chihuahua hovering over me because the power is out. Someone send the Geek Squad or Ghostbusters or some ish, cause I am not in the mood. Make sure they have a bottle of wine.

make up for ever aqua rouge in 16 fuchsia, $24 at sephora
Today we're getting ballsy with a bright lip, because nothing screams, "I have zero effs to give about what your ass thinks," like bold lipstick. Plus, it's easy, and you look like a badass with little effort. MUFE sent me this bright, bold, pink to try, and I fell in love real, real quick. It's the Aqua Rouge formula, so it's one of those long wear deals.

sephora, $24
I wore it to lunch today, and it only started coming off when I ate something oily. (Gross, but whatever. It happens.) Say you are going out for little sip of the sauce, or something, this sh*t will stay the eff on like white on rice. (Which is a super annoying saying, because what in the hell does that mean, anyway?) And to remove it, I just use vaseline, or whatever, and wipe it off. No biggie. (RIP, Biggie.)

But listen, I know that this stuff isn't insanely cheap, although I think it's totally worth it, so I also have a drugstore pick for your asses. I picked this stuff up last year at the ol' Mart of the Wal's, and the color is really cool. 

cover girl lip perfection lipstick in spellbound, $5.59 at drugstore.com
You guys are lucky that I love your asses, because I had to go searching for this mess with a gifted Bath and Body Works mini candle on its last legs. I was wandering the damn apartment like I was on mf-ing Sleepy Hollow, or some sh*t. It wasn't not cute.

And there you have your luxe (and cheap) ballsy b's. Now my power time is pretty much up, and I am off to find ways to entertain myself that don't involve electricity, or Lifetime Movie Network.

via yourewelcomeforbeingmyfriend
BOOOORRRRING. I feel so old-timey.



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Monday, May 20, 2013

The Moment We All Have (Not) Been Waiting For -- Tan Mom's Music Video



I know, you guys are over this sh*t. I've been talking about TM Patty K. waaay too mf-ing much -- I'm super over myself. But we've come this far, so I feel like we have to finish this exploration. What if they just got to the gates in Jurassic Park, and then said, "Nope, eff this, " and went home? Newman would have died for naught. FOR NAUGHT, I say. So we must soldier on and be brave.

TMZ was once again up the leathery ass of Tan Mom, and exclusively released this beaut of a music video. Haven't gay people endured enough??? Why are they forcing Highlights McGee to rub all up on her lady blah-umps area? Patty can't even take her own ass seriously, and obviously had to hit up SE-VER-AL happy hours to even make it through this. Somebody call 911, 'cause homegirl's belly button is trying to run away from this hot ass mess.

I don't even know why they made this bull ish. They should have just superimposed TM in this video. It would have been a bajillion times better.



Okay, Patty Cakes, you and I are officially done here. Unless you birth a gnome riding a unicorn, I am never talking about your ass again.


I'M SERIOUS, J LAW. STOP MOCKING ME.




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Thursday, May 16, 2013

Your 2013 Ringtone: Carmen Electra's "Bigger D*ck"

pic via daily mail
Hey guys, you remember that hot b, Carmen Electra, WHO IS NOW EFFING FORTY MUTHA F*CKING ONE AND LOOKS SUPER HOT. Ugh, where do I sign up to sell my soul, or whatever? Carm has a hot new jam about the size of her johnson, called "Bigger D*ck."

ugh. remember this sh*t?
You really need to go listen to Carm's song, because it's truly my slut dance anthem of the millennium. But be warned, this ish is 0% safe for work. Even if you work at a strip club, you'll get fired for blasting this, probably.


But don't act like you're too prim and proper to be into this sh*t.


I can't wait to Say Anything boombox the hell out of everyone I know with this song. Get ready, world.











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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote


This week for Allure, I got off the Gatsby's jock (Finally! Dammit.) and explored my OTHER favorite movie makeup looks with mini tutorials. Ch-ch-check it here.

pic via allure



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Wednesday, May 15, 2013

BREAKING NEWS: Prince Harry Visits America, Looks Hot.

I've never been one of those hoes that's like, "I LOVE REDHEADS. THEIR GINGERY-NESS IS SOOO SEXY." Actually, my mom is one of those people, and therefore, gross. But I will say that I have, on occasion, thought that ginger dudes are sexy and sh*t. And Prince Harry is a fine ginger specimen, especially considering that I always thought that William would be the hot b*tch. Well, color my ass wrong. PH has been visiting 'Merica the past few days, so here's my virtual Princely ginger stalking round up.

"Round of applause if you like my bangs, guys. And thanks, England, for sending the hot one."
Even this lady business looking curtain is into it.
"America, please calm your ovaries." -PH "We can't." -America
Just how exactly does one apply to be in the British military? I'm asking for a friend.
Doing hot English sh*t. But the horse's tail looks like a Hell's Angel dude's ponytail.
"So then, I says to him...I says, 'If you delete Basketball Wives ONE MORE TIME from the DVR'..."

B's waiting to try to get down on sexy cinnamon spice PH. Homegirl in the sneaks ain't playin'
Bye, Price Harry. Come on back any time, now, ya'hear?


U.S.A.! U.S.A! I'm not packing my bags for England right now, like, at all. (England! England!)


PH pics via USA Today






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Tuesday, May 14, 2013

You Dirty Beach: How to Look Like a Sexy Beach Nymph

I just have to buck up and admit that it's pretty much summer. Which kind of sucks, because it's hot as sh*t, and the air in my car doesn't really work, and this is all just leading to a butt load of grossities. But there is one thing that's Summery that I'm actually into. I really love the whole boho-y, slightly dirty, beachy look (even thought I hate the beach), and it's an easy, super sexy summer look.

Tousled Hair and Sh*t

I feel like I (and pretty much every effin' other b with a keyboard) have talked about beachy waves until all of our reading eyeballs have bled and our hair has rejected surf spray. BUT there's a reason why no one will shut the hell up about it -- it's hot. I am of the type that blow dries my hair, waves it out with a curling wand or flat iron, and sprays with surf spray to look like I slept on a sexy beach the night before. Some of you may be able to get away with spritzing your damp hair with surf spray and letting it air dry, and end up looking amazing. I call people like you b*tches. (Jealousy is a helluva thing.) Or if you are feeling low maintenance, throw your hair into a messy side braid and call it a damn hair day.

Bronzed Goddess Makeup
make up for ever aqua shadow in 22e pearly copper, $20 at sephora
I have a few different colors of this MUFE Aqua Shadow that they sent me a long time ago, but this shade one is one of my favorites, and works perfectly for this look. This is one of the easiest beauty products in the history of time (which you know my lazy ass loves), because you literally draw on your eye, blend, and get the eff out. And if you're crazy, unsexy, oily like myself, it works really well as a base for a powder shadow. It's great blended under the eye, too, to really amp up the sexy beach nymph deal. Add some black, smudgy eyeliner to your upper lash line, and you have found yourself a sexy b*tch.

Glow That Azz B and Let Me See What You've Got

moroccanoil shimmering body oil, $45
To complete the complete beach beyotch transformation, you've got to glow up that bod like J Lo's employees are instructed to do. The MoroccanOil people sent me this Shimmering Body Oil to try, and just like all of their other products, this ish is guuuurd. It doesn't look like you got Ke$ha glitter bombed when you use it.

sorry, brit brit, yeahhhnoooo
It's more of a glimmery glow. I made my cousin use it on her wedding day on her chest and arms, and she loved the crap out of it. Watch your ass, Alba's of the world -- we're coming for your ass.






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