Friday, March 29, 2013

Eff Your Twerking, Miley Cyrus. This is the Real Sh*t.

No, not the part I'm about to show your asses. The good good is in a minute. But for a reference point, I first have to share something of myself. I'm a twerker lite. (Does MTV still make those True Life shows?) And because I knew you b's would be all "whaaaa...." I made a very short video of lite twerk.

I'm clearly not on an effing twerk team, or any cool ish like that, but I like to fancy myself at least a decent judge of said twerk. And by now you've all seen Mi Cy's gangly ass twerk vid. That mess ain't NOTHING compared to these dudes' mad, mad skills.

via buzzfeed

That head boo can WERQ DAT AZZ, man. Why can't I be a gay man wearing a loin-cloth-type-garment from Brazil? Life's so unfair. And I'm going on a diet. I need to fit into mama's twerkin' shorty shorts by summer. (Dammit, I'm eating nachos.)

P.S. Try not to give me TOO much sh*t for my skills. I'm a middle-aged woman. Be kind to your elders.

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Thursday, March 28, 2013

Random Homie: Skin Authority VitaD Fortified Illuminating Duo

skin authority vita d fortified illuminating duo, $79
I recently read an article (Shut up, I sometimes do crap like that.), that said a huge amount of Americans are Vitamin D deficient. And I'm Maury style -- 99.9% sure -- that I am one of those b's, because this is me:

Yeah, I hate being outside. And the sun. And the whole smell of outside, especially the smell of people when they've been outside, and then they come inside and smell weird. It's gross. So that's why I jumped at the chance to try Skin Authority's VitaD Fortified Illuminating Duo when they asked if I wanted to sample it. This kit is super cool, and different than anything on the market, because it consists of topical and supplemental treatments. Here's a little info on the system.

I really love this crap, because IT'S SO FRIGGIN' EASY. The topical elixir is my damn jam because it's not oily -- at all. Yeeaaaas. Finally, a topical treatment that does something badass and doesn't make my face a disgusting oil slick. The supplement is a powder in a shaker, so you just sprinkle it on your food. Vitamin D needs fat for your body to use it, so the shaker is a perfect way to just add it to your food and your body to actually absorb it (or whatever).

Since I've started using these little numbers, I feel like my skin definitely looks brighter and more clear. Plus, in one of my college classes we had a nutrition expert tell us that most vitamin pills can't be broken down in the body, and you just (you know) them out. So I feel like the powdered vitamins are the way to go. And don't worry, you can't taste that ish. Sprinkle it up, b's!

I love that cat so much. He's such an a-hole. I know that this kit is on the spendy side, but if you really are Vitamin D deficient, then this ish needs to be your new boo thang. Check out more deets on the Skin Authority VitaD Fortified Illuminating Duo here.

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Wednesday, March 27, 2013

How To Not Be Super Boring In Your Hand Area, Even If You Can't Do That Nail Art Sh*t.

To be realzzz with you, I'm super surprised that the whole nail art trend mess is still going down. It's not really something that most peeps can do with their own two hands, and it's been going on for way longer than a hot ass minute. But just because you aren't sponge painting ice cream cones onto your pinkie nails, doesn't mean you have to succumb to having your paws take the next train to Blahsville. Try these easy, and MUCH lazier ways of having an exciting mani.

Be like Mariah, and let that ish Glitter.
stun & dimepiece from floss gloss ($8 each)
I have straight up (now tell me) been on Floss Gloss' junk for a while now, and that's because their ish is the boss. Especially the glitter polishes, which are 100% opaque after two coats. This is no willy nilly nonsense. This polish is straight Willy Wonka's golden ticket on your tips. (I SAID TIPS.) Check out all of the Floss Gloss color choice (they are all hot) here.

Stick it. (Why are these all terrible movie titles?)
incoco nail stickers in boo! ($9.99)
Okay, so these are Halloween-themed nail stickers from Incoco, but IT'S MUMMIES AND THEY GLOW. That sh*t is timeless. If you can't paint real, live, mummies on your nails, this is totally the next best thing. And these stickers are so friggin' easy to use. They take me ten minutes to put on, when others take me, like, an hour. STOP JUDGING ME WITH YOUR EYES. See all of the (non-mummy) available Incoco designs here.

Get neon in this mutha effer.
revlon nail art neon polish (target, $7.99)
Call me trash, but I love neon polish right now. It's fun, and makes you feel uber Saved by the Bell-ish without wearing a Hypercolor t-shirt. The best thing about this Revlon Nail Art Neon Polish is the white base coat. It makes the neons even more neon-y. And there are ten colors to choose from, so you can definitely find one that will work for your ass. Unless you hate bright colors. Then you won't find one that will work for your ass. Try Hot Topic for "Black as Sadness," or whatever. Check the Revlon Neon array here.

via petwat tumblr
You officially aren't boring (on your hands), anymore. You look guuuurd, girl.

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Tuesday, March 26, 2013

I React to Kids Reacting to My Boo 4EVA, Grumpy Cat.

You guys have seen those Kids React to ______ videos, right? Well there's a new one about Grumpy Cat, and because I am still waaaaaay into GC...

just me & my boo
I had to REACT to kids REACTING to Grumps. Did your head just explode in the time/space continuum? (Whatever that means.)

- Ol' sequin shirt was straight DISAPPOINTED with everything grumpy. THAT's rude.
- Homegirl in the straw fedora has sleeves of temporary tattoos. I'm jealous of that badassery. (I wasn't allowed to have temporary tattoos or candy cigarettes when I was a kid, and look how I turned out...)
- "The Poo Poo Milk Cow Cat?" That kid should write for this blog.
- "Just hand me the shovel???" What in future serial killer hell does that mean, kid? Damn.
- Then straw fedora wins again, with her open views on gender.
- The gingers are totally over being judged, clearly. Sorry, sisters.
- Why is baseball tee/messy hair doing the The Shining scary voice? Stop that sh*t, man.

Viva la Grump, b's.

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Monday, March 25, 2013

Random Homies: SeabuckWonders Sea Buckthorn Beauty Prods

seabuckwonders sea buckthorn body lotion ($14.97) & exfoliating facial cleanser ($16.97)
You guys remember (or don't) that I already touted the benefits of SeabuckWonders and sea buckthorn supplements. Ish is real, real good. And because I was so way into the supplements, I had the SeabuckWonders people send me some of their beauty products to try. And friggin' surprise, surprise (not) they were pretty damn great, too.

Before I start talking about the SeabuckWonders Sea Buckthorn Body Lotion ($14.97), I have to preface it with my whole deal about body lotion, in general. I pretty much hate the ish. It ends up drying to a weird, sticky, film on my skin, that is most reminiscent of spiderwebs all up on me. Gross. So whenever I tell you b's that I'm into a body lotion, you know I much actually really like that mess. And I really like this stuff. Here's the good good on it:

With a potent infusion of Omega 3, 6, 9, and the powerful skin-healing Omega 7, SeabuckWonders Body Lotion provides nourishment with age-defying properties for soft, healthy skin.

I don't know sh*t about science, but I do know that Omega stuff is good for you. But before you start bathing in this ish, let me give you a wee bit of warning about any product with sea buckthorn in it -- it smells weird. It's not a flowery, fragrant smell. It's a supplement-y smell. BUT it goes away after a few minutes, and the benefits way outweigh a weird smell for a couple of fleeting moments.

Now let's talk about the SeabuckWonders Exfoliating Facial Cleanser ($16.97). I also have a weird thing with scrubby facial cleansers. Most of them are WAY too effin' harsh on your mug, man. Those super-gritty mofos will tear your ish up, and should be avoided. That's why I like this stuff. It's gentle, and it has all of the good-for-you junk.

Sea Buckthorn Facial Cleanser cleans skin gently, yet effectively, without stripping the skin of its natural oils. It exfoliates to remove dirt and impurities, while hydrating skin for a smooth, clear complexion. Unlike many other facial cleansers, SeabuckWonders Facial Cleanser is ideal for all skin types that will benefit from its remarkable nutritional properties, leaving skin feeling clean, balanced, and beautiful. This invigorating cleanser is an excellent first step in any skin care routine.

I also like to use it on my back and chest to exfoliate and keep my skin looking all noooiiiice. And the products aren't super spendy, so you can still get your freak on in other ways while nourishing yourself with those science-y Omegas.

Check out all of the SeabuckWonders beauty offerings here.

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Sunday, March 24, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: LeAnn Rimes and Her Garbage Shorts

via huffpo
According to the Huffington Post, LeAnn was photographed in this literal hot mess at her stepson's baseball game. A couple of issues here -- I mean clearly the sweaty-ass-hootenanny pleather shorts are public vag enemy number one, and totally creepy to wear to a kid's deal. But let's say you are full-on committed to wearing that ish. Would you not at least PUT ON MAKEUP WHEN YOU'RE WEARING VINYL HOT PANTS? If ever a time there arose to wear makeup, this is it, boo boo. And the fact that you are wearing a vintage-y football sweater because you're going to a sporting thing is annoying. How do I live with this owwwwtfit? How do I...How do I...But your boots are cute.

via realitytvgifs
Can you tell I like Brandi Glanville? (I refuse to say Team whatever. It makes me want to vomit.) Homegirl's funny and gives less than an eff. But really, I'm sure it's hard being LeAnn Rimes.

Okay, so I just really, really wanted to use that clip for about three weeks now. Eff it. Viva la moustache.

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Saturday, March 23, 2013

In Case You Were Wondering, Alexander Skarsgard is Still a Hot B*tch

Ali Cat was at a Lakers game, or some boring sports-related ish, last night. And you can rest your damn weary, downtrodden mind (and eyeballs) because A Skar Skar is still hot as eff.

Why so serious, boo? Psshaw, like I a give a damn. Your broody, cold demeanor is half the reason I love your ass.

He's drinking beer (So American!) with a European football shirt on (So Exotic!) with his legs firmly crossed (So European!). But furrreal, why don't American dudes cross their legs like this? 'Merica.

And let's just pretend that this is some kind of sexual reenactment of some sort. A b can dream, right? Keep that hot flowing, Xander. Keep that sh*t up. Only three months until True Blood, and I can straight stalk your ass.

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Thursday, March 21, 2013

Beauty Sh*t I Learned From Watching This Season of Girls (Beyond Not Sticking a Q-tip In Your Ear)

I'm sad, you guys. This season of Girls is over, and that mess was my jam. And because I HAVE to talk about stuff I like here, I also found some valuable beauty lessons from watching the show this season. Feel free to add your own in the comments, or talk about whatever the eff you want. I'm not the boss of you.

Don't Cut Your Own Hair.
via elle
 And if you do, expect it to look like a recovering heroin addict shaped that ish up in the back. (Thanks, Laird.) That's not to say that a b can't trim her own bangs, or whatever. But let's get real in this mutha -- MOST people cannot duplicate a Carey Mulligan-esque haircut with scissors you stole from the UPS Store. Leave that mess to a professional, mmmmkay?

Perfect is Boring.
via hbo
Even Marnie was bored with how boringly perfect Marnie is, and at least kind of lost her ish this season. Being perfect is for the effin' birds, man. How sexy is Jessa and all of her crazy, imperfect, weirdness? I'm not saying not to be a classy, coiffed lady, if that's you. But if you're a bit of a sh*t storm -- that's cool, too. Do you, baby.
Even B's With Gorgeous, Kate Middleton-y Hair Can Have Crap Hair Days.

Not to keep slapping Marnie with a big bag o' d's (okay, so I kind of hate her), but her hair wasn't so Jhirmack-bouce-back-beautiful this season. And homegirl's got some banging ass hair. So whenever you're having one of those days when you wished you owned a collection of Dolly Parton's wigs, remember that everyone has those days. Then put your damn hair in a bun, or something, and move on.

Never Underestimate the Mini-Makeover.
via vulture
Seriously, how hot did Charlie get this season? He was scruffier yet more chic and tailored, and just all around sexier. It's not like he changed that much -- facial hair and better hair styling? The details make the difference. Just ask your lady business, that girl knows what's up.

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Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure
This week for Allure, I cover How to Pretend You're on a (Beauty) Spring Break, without all the debauchery. BOOO-RING. Check it out here.

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Tuesday, March 19, 2013

I Can't Stop Staring at Jon Hamm and All of His Dude Business.

Have you guys seen the new promo pictures for Mad Men Season 6? Those are some hot ass mofos, right? And in anticipation of the upcoming MM premiere next month, I have compiled a photo collection of the sexiest b in the group -- Jon Hamm. (Freakin' doy.) So let's explore why Hammy is so damn hot.

He's got a bangin' ass beard.
I mean, come the hell on.
He has a cute dog, whose face is adorably tiny for his body.
He has sexual corrective lenses.
Are you fuh-real with that smile? That crap could rip ladies' pant off.
He likes to keep that ish cas. (Stop trying to make cas happen.)
I'm not into the ciggie, but I'm totally into breakfast. Like, anytime.
Homeboy knows...
How to wear...
A friggin' pair of pants.
And really, is there ANYONE hotter than Don Draper???

(KIND OF) NSFW UPDATE: This is why I love my people. (Name withheld for embarrassment purposes.)

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Monday, March 18, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Bradley Cooper Sporting What I Can Only Hope is a Precursor to a Tight, TIGHT Ass Perm

via huffpo
Brad Coo is making some crazy ass movie where he apparently works at a slutty Army Surplus store that does illegal perms on the side. Or not -- I don't know what the hell this is all about, but if tight spiral perms are involved, sign my ass up. I've been looking for a hot as eff hairstyle from a movie, because I haven't really felt one since that dick Darryl Soul Glo-ed it up in Coming to America.

I know, I know. Dude straight up ripped off Lionel Richie's "Hello" hair, but it was a hot look. So whatever the eff Bradley's movie is about, that hair better be looking right. If not, he has to do this, like, ALL THE TIME.

Don't even play like you aren't into this right now. Stop it.

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Possible Random Homie, Definite Badass Deal O' The Day: IT Cosmetics Hello Beautiful Kit on QVC

hello beautiful kit, $54.96 via qvc
The peeps from IT Cosmetics sent me this little ditty of the Hello Beautiful Kit a few days ago, so I have crammed in trying this myriad of products a few times before I could tell you baby ho hoes about it before today. Why today? Well this ish is on QVC for TODAY ONLY for $54.96, and with a retail value of $155, b is a good ass deal. So my lazy ass actually had to do something, for once in my life, and hustle to get this info out. And here's the dirty dirty on this kit.

Celebration Foundation and Luxe Buffing Airbrush Foundation Brush -- The foundation is a powder foundation packed with antioxidants and such. I'm sure it's great, and stuff, but it was way too pinky for my borderline jaundiced-toned skin. (I got the light-medium shade, I believe.) But the foundation brush is friggin' cat's pajama status -- super soft and luxurious. I want to wear that sh*t like a coat.

Tightline Full Lash Length Black Mascara Primer & Hello Lashes 5-in-1 Mascara -- I'm totally crushing on  this primer/mascara duo. The primer lash wand is TINY tiny (it's the silver tube above), and the product is black, so you can really wiggle that mess right into your lash line to fill in those little sparse gaps of lash-less-ness. (Sometimes compound-compound fake words are necessary in life.) And the mascara is nice, too. It's a plastic wand brush, which I like, because it tends to clump less. It also has lash-enhancing and conditioning properties. I don't know, I like what it does to my eyeballs, mmmmkay?

Vitality Flush 4-in-1 Reviver Lip and Cheek Stain Stick -- I really expected not to like this stick deal. When I opened it, it just kind of looked like a big ass, pale chapstick. But when I dotted it onto my cheeks and dabbed it around a bit, I discovered it's actually legitimately awesome. It gives your cheeks (it's also great on lips) a really pretty, natural-looking flush. But one warning, it is waxy/oily, so for oil rig faces, like myself, this is best used for a touch-up glowy stuff when used on the cheeks. I couldn't use it in the morning and expect it to still be there at 7 pm, or whatever. But I LOVE it for touch-ups and it gorgeous on lips anytime. It's like a stain, but not drying (actually super moisturizing) and WAAAAY easier to apply.

Overall first impressions -- great value, and I'm super into the products that worked for my skin. This is my first introduction to IT Cosmetics, and I have to say that so far, impressive. I'm not hating this stuff, even a little. It makes me look like I've been for an invigorating walk through the fresh air, without actually going outside. Because going outside is the worst. AmIright?

So I'll just be here in my cave applying makeup. You b's know where to find me.

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Saturday, March 16, 2013

Hurry! There's Still Time for You to Look Like You (A-hemed) a Leprechaun. (In a Totally Cool Way.)

Happy St. Patty's Day weekend, mofos. Before you get all crunk ass and green-ed out, I suggest one more item to up your game.

violent lips "the shamrock", $7.99 for a pack of two

These are The Shamrock Violent Lips, and they are ridiculously fun and easy to apply. It's just like a temporary tattoo for your lips. It doesn't even feel weird -- kind of like the long wear lipsticks that have been around forever. I only wore them for 30 minutes or so, because I'm a hermit and I'm not doing anything tonight, but I could tell that these puppies would last a long ass time. The package says four to eight hours, and I totally believe it. To remove, you just put a little baby oil (or I used coconut oil) on your lips for a minute or so, and then rub it off with a paper towel, or a textured cotton pad.

To find out where you can find these bad boys locally, check here. Or, if you don't give and eff about St. Patrick's Day (How rude!) you can see all of the other Violent Lip options here. Now go have fun tonight, b's. And don't consume everything green in sight.

via mrhankey
Or, you know, do.

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Friday, March 15, 2013

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things.

Nicky just wants to get a rich dude and drink beach drinks. And eat/not eat pork. And wear/not wear hipster glasses from the Russian Claire's Boutique. I'm not really sure if this video is real life or not, but I don't really give an eff. Nicky is the voice of our generation, because who is REALLY sure which faux fir vest they want to wear??? Not I, world. Do ringtones still exist? This is all too much. I need a drink.

You're welcome. I just gave you a reason to get your party started.

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Thursday, March 14, 2013

Macadamia Nuts Aren't Just for Delicious Cookies.

I've never really thought about macadamia anything, except for how friggin' delicious the nuts are in a white chocolate chunk cookie. Ish is the good good. That was until I received a sampling of the hair care products from Macadamia Natural Oil. The products combine macadamia oil (duh) and argan oil to (via their website):

"Together, macadamia oil and argan oil replenish the hair’s natural emollients with the high content of essential fatty acids found naturally in both of these exceptional oils. The combined benefits help to nourish and protect the hair from harmful UV rays while repairing hair follicles for improved elasticity and shine."

Sounds great, right? Let's delve into this madness.

macadamia natural oil deep repair masque, $4-$55
One of my favorite products from the line is the Deep Repair Masque. It smells like a pina colada-fueled dream (all of the products do), and people are always telling me how good I smell when I use it. I guess I usually smell bad, but that's neither here nor there. And more importantly, my hair feels like a damn silk factory after using it. I can't even rave about this stuff enough. IT'S AMAZING. I feel all-caps-strongly about it, so you know that ish is on the real.

macadamia natural oil flawless, $33
But the magical hair carpet ride doesn't end there. I also fell in love with a stripper Flawless, which is a 6-in-1 cleansing conditioner. Six in one?!? I can just barely count that high. Let's learn more, shall we?

"Reinvent the art of shampooing with Flawless, an innovative 6-in-1 cleansing conditioner that cleanses, conditions, reduces blow-drying time, detangles, enhances volume and eliminates frizz in one product. Flawless recreates the perfect salon blow-dry at home. 

Flawless’ innovative formula dispenses as a lightweight, no-suds mousse that gently and thoroughly cleanses without stripping hair or weighing it down. At the same time, it conditions and infuses hair with nourishing macadamia oil, chamomile, vitamin E, proteins and other nutrients. Hair is left revitalized with healthy shine, bounce and manageability."

This stuff is perfect for me, because I'm ridiculously oily, and my ass has to wash my hair errrday if I don't want to look hobo-rific. So if I don't want to over-wash my mop, I can use this cleansing conditioner instead. And here's a insanely ingenious thing about Flawless -- it has a dispenser very much like a bottle of mousse, so you aren't shivering in the shower for 30 minutes trying to get the product out. So freaking smart. Plus, it is the best cleansing conditioner I have ever used, by ten trillion miles. The first time I used it, one of my friends was all, "I don't know what the hell you did to your hair today, but it looks fantastic."

Yep, that good. Learn more about the Macadamia Natural Oil line of hair products here. Pin It

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

What the Eff Kind of Michael's Flower Section Explosion Outfit is This, Ke$$$$ha?

via eonline
The worst thing about this nonsense, for me, isn't even the silk flower sh* show. It's those terrible, three times shinier than a Hooter's girl pantyhose. Holy balls, those things are atrocious. But on the real, gluing rejected faux flower petals about your crotchal region does not an outfit make. And I'm pretty effin' open as to what constitutes clothes. If Ke$h didn't create this outfit herself with a glue gun and leftover materials from a few discarded Bridezillas bridesmaids' bouquets, then homegirl should demand a hefty refund to her PayPal account. Because that Etsy picture she ordered this mess  from did NOT represent the real outfit well, obviously.

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Hot Damn, Zack Morris is Lookin' FOOOYYIIINE.

via buzzfeed
Oh hey, here's MPG filming that show he's on with the skater dude from Clueless. (I can't be bothered to know actual, real information.) But I do have eyeballs, and they can tell me that Mark-Paul is still a hot ass b, even sans the inappropriately huge cell phone and Sun-In-esque highlights. Dare I say, boo boo is HOTTER than in his Saved by the Bell days? MPG's giving me Dylan McKay lite vibes here, so that's obviously right up my sexual healing alley. And that light oil chest sheen? Okay, I need to stop.

Yep, pretty much.

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