Tuesday, January 29, 2013

My Former Boyfriend, Jason London, MIGHT Have Pooped His Pants.

pic via (obviously) tmz
TMZ is reporting that Jason London, one half of the London twins that made up my dreams in the early 90's and sexy b*tch from Dazed and Confused, was arrested for ALLEGEDLY fighting bouncers, and then ALLEGEDLY used homophobic slurs to cops, AND THEN ALLEGEDLY POO POOED HIS PANTS. Go over there and read all the details if you wish. It looks like somebody MIGHT ALLEGEDLY need some of these:

And when did all of my fantasy men get old as eff??? Dude's wearing my dad's glasses. I AM NOT BEING OVERDRAMATIC OR HYPERBOLIC -- MY DAD HAS THOSE GLASSES. Is this where we are now? All of my pubescent mens that I was totally into are now old, wearing dad glasses, and possibly losing control of their bowels?

I hate my life. But probably not as much as Jason London hates his today. Catch up on his dramzzz on his twitter, too. LUUUUULZ.

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Random Homie: tarte Ultimate Lashes MultiplEYE Lash Primer & Mascara Duo from QVC

qvc, $27 for both
I love very few things in life, a couple of them being a GOOD ass deal and luxurious lashes. So when I found out that QVC was selling this tarte Ultimate Lashes MultiplEYE Lash Primer & Mascara Duo for $27 for FULL SIZE PRODUCTS, I begged them to send me a sample to test. I mean, this ish is a $41 value, guys -- that's a badass deal.

Now before I get into the nitty gritty deets of this stuff, lemme give you a little backstory on my lash history. (Lashtory?) I used Latisse for like a year and a half, and had insane (non-clown posse) eyelashes. When I had to stop using it, for reasons of being a broke ass b, it broke my shallow heart. Since that time, I have tried a ton of products to try to get the most from my post-Latisse, "normal person" lashes. The combination of this tarte multiplEYE lash primer and Lights, Camera, Lashes! Mascara really give a ton of extra jazz hands to my lashes, and really gets the job done. I just do one coat of primer, wait a bit, then a coat (or two, if you're nasty) of mascara. Viola, sexy mofo eyeballs in the house.

If you're looking to get the most from your lashes, without going the fauxness route, totally try this little duo. Check it out on QVC here.

via parksandrec tumblr
You'll be forever photoshoot ready, Knope style.

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Monday, January 28, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Boy, Boys. Can't I Just Have You All?

My God, this is terrifying. I feel like I just escaped from 293,840 serial murders. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? THIS SH*T IS YOUR BEST FIRST IMPRESSION??? Here are my thoughts, in order:
  • Oh hey, dude number one -- you can take off the effing weightlifting belt. You're sitting in a friggin' chair, ya douche.
  • No one named Maurice is a, a-hem, "wild man." (Except maybe the dad in Beauty and the Beast.)
  • BIG PHIL??? In comparison to what? Gross, don't answer that.
  • Hey "deep into the night" satin shirt, you can't even SIT UP for two minutes???
  • Mike, the anti-smoking dude, why did you pirouette a quarter turn? This isn't Glamour Shots. Or maybe it was. Like a two-for-one type deal...
  • LISTEN MAURICE, you don't own a tuxedo, and Men's Warehouse is NOT going to refund your deposit, so good luck with that.
  • WHY IS YOUR MOM WATCHING THIS, REINDEER SWEATER? You must feel pretty confident that you'll get a date in a timely manner, by wearing such a seasonal piece. Ballsy.
  • Best Hair Award has to go to "fashion photography." Did you see that volume? That length??
  • I wish an overgrown monster would effing eat your ass, crazy shirt.
  • Guy with the rose -- I'm going to vom. You don't even know WTF you're talking about. You. Are. The. Worst.
  • WHAT??? YOU GUYS ENJOY HAVING FUN? We have so much in common.
  • What is a hamster? Like literally, you don't like the pet rodent?
  • I can't even hate on suspenders. Get me that b*tch's number.
  • Cats AND domestic violence? That's a tall order. (P.S. Doesn't domestic violence/sexual abuse look like Bruce Jenner?)
  • "I average four hours a night's sleep. The rest of the time I am murdering people."
  • I might really be in love with reindeer sweater. He's got some strong to quite strong ass eye contact.
  • I refuse to even acknowledge the viking.
Why were the 80's so effing terrible? I'd rather do a Garbage Pail Kid than any of these dicks. (Except you, reindeer sweater. You's a keeper.)

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Random Homie: Dr. Dennis Gross Alpha Beta Daily Face Peel in Original Formula

Dr. Dennis Gross Alpha Beta Face Peel, $15-$78
I know that it seems as if I'm always bitching about the sh*tiness of my skin, and I'm trying to get better about. Like, at least I have a face. But if my new BFFs from Dr. Dennis Gross keep sending me bomb ass products like the Alpha Beta Daily Face Peel, I might not even have to whine anymore. Let's get a quote from the man to see what this stuff is all about:

“This anti-aging product not only diminishes the appearance of wrinkles, but helps complexion problems, balances oil, tones skin, and increases clarity and radiance. Plus, it proves a daily, gentle approach can give superior results vs. a harsh approach. Like exercising daily is better than a long workout once a week, it’s better to treat your skin daily."  - Dr. Dennis Gross

Dammit, I have to workout more. But I can tell you, coming from the crappy skin queen, that this product made a big ol' difference on my mean, mean mug. I mostly noticed that the discoloration I had from old breakouts have waaaaay faded, and my skin just looks more clear. Plus, it feels soft as a kitten's butt. And if you're on a budget, Dr. Gross now offers a little mini pack of five treatments for $15. Not too shabby, yo'.

Oh, and if you're worried about the degree of difficulties on something that sounds semi-ominous, have no fears. YOU WIPE YOUR FACE, WAIT TWO MINUTES, AND WIPE WITH ANOTHER WIPE. You've got this, brain surgeons. Check out all of the peel goodness here.

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Hair Had a Turrible, Turrible Night Last Night

So the SAG Awards happened last night, and although I never watch awards shows, because that sh*t is super boring, I do like to look at red carpet pictures. And judge them. Duh, have we met? And while I perused the photos over on Buzzfeed, I noticed a very tragic theme. People were werking some horrendous hair, overall.

WTF, Baldwin? I turn to your ass to be the hot old dude. WHAT IS THIS?
Frieda Pinto is a beautiful mofo, and she looks like she's chaperoning a school dance.
Put down the flat iron, Timmy. This is completely gross, and makes you look old.
No, Megan Draper. Zooby Zooby...No.
I LOVE YOU, Jon Hamm, but you look like someone photoshopped your face into this picture. It's weirding me out, man.
And I don't even know what in hair helmet hell I'm looking at here.
 I mean, amiright???

via realitytvgifs

There seems to be some dissension in the ranks, m'ladies and gents. (I just finished watching Downton. Get off me.) I just received this text from my friend, who CLEARLY disagrees with my JT reading.

This isn't a friggin' totalitarian state, you guys. (Bringing it back to middle school history ish.) Am I way off on any of these? Free yo' mind...and the rest will follow.

all pics via buzzfeed Pin It

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Sh*t Guys Should Never Wear

I'm glad I'm not a dude, you guys. You're so limited on your attractiveness level. You can't wear dresses or skirts, can't do too much with your hair, and can't wear makeup without b's judging the sh*t out of you. And guess what, dude-types? I'm about to limit your crap even more, because I have compiled a list of stuff that guys should never, ever wear. (Or just not around my ass.)

Cargo Shorts

 Who needs two huge ass pockets attached to their person all the time? What the eff are you carrying around? The entire set of Encyclopedia Britannicas? The Encyclopedia Britannica guy???

I wish that were the case. I picked this specific picture of cargo shorts for a reason. I hate the socks, too. The leg flesh to cloth ratio is waaaay off. I can't handle it. It's gross.


I can't reiterate this fact enough. TURTLENECKS ARE EFFING HORRID. Don't wear them.


What the hell kind of tom foolery is this?!? A man's feet are pretty unattractive anyway, but I really don't need to see dem b*tches highlighted in this fashion. I can deal with a flip flop here and there, but this is just show pony-ing some grossness. You're a step away from wearing a clear jelly shoe, sir. No friggin' thanks.


I know that this is beating a dead horse, but jean shorts are the Devil's denim mistress for guys. The only thing worse are denim capri pants. I can only hope that they all simultaneously combust somehow. And can we please note the dude in the above photo's shirt? What is that? A baby tee?

Insane Jewelry

I might be in the minority here, but I am not a fan of dude jewelry (dudewelry???). There's something super skeevy about it to me. Like I'm in danger of being sold into an Eastern European sex trade, or something. Especially a lot of rings, not going there...

via nbcparksandrec tumblr
Did I miss any other grossness, ladies? Let's gross each other out.

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Friday, January 25, 2013

Random Homies: I'm Upping My Eyebrow Game With Billion Dollar Brows.

Hi, my name is Shannon, and I'm obsessed with eyebrows. But if you guys have read, like, ANYTHING I've ever written then you already know that. So when Billion Dollar Brows sent me some products to add to my iron-clad brow ritual, I was pretty closed-minded on the whole thing. I have been using the same eyebrow pencil/powder combo for roughly 48 years, and I don't like to w around too much on that routine. I like what I like, mmmmkay?

top, sans pencil (duh), bottom, after using the universal brow pencil
I started out with the Universal Brow Pencil ($15), which is exactly what the name states -- the color blends with pretty much any eyebrow color, unless maybe if you have EXTREMELY light brows. It's a nice, ashy tone that's a lightish to medium brown color. Because lemme tell you, if you use an orangey/brassy pencil, you WILL look crazy. I promise. And I'm not really sure why it looks like I was punched in the eye in this picture, weird lighting does crazy things. (???)

They also sent over this little beaut, the Smudge Brush ($15), which I originally thought was just completely unnecessary. But using it to blend in the penciling really makes it look like 76% better than the pencil alone. I find myself using this em effer every day, which is pretty shocking, considering my high levels of laziness.

The other product I tried was the Brow Duo Pencil ($18), which is half concealer, half highlighter pencil. It's like a mermaid, but makes your eyebrows friggin' awesome. (Why can't I just be a mermaid with amazing ass eyebrows? Life is so unfair.) This pencil is the perfect little friend to carry in your purse to give your eyes a pick-me-up with a dab of highlighter under the brow or a swipe of concealer to mask any craziness that you might have happening on your mug. I wasn't sure if this puppy would be too creamy to work on my oily ass mess of a face, but it's totally awesome and non-gross. (I'm very scientific with this ish.)

Bottom line -- I've been using all of these b's on the reg, and giving my old eyebrow homies a rest. This stuff is as good as a juggling Dylan McKay...

via 90210gifs
And that's the good good. Check out everything that BDB has to offer here.

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Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Oh, Sh*t. GUUUUUURL of the LIFETIME, You Guys: This Guy.

Bill Dollear, just effing marry me, you son of a b. I have seriously NEVER laughed so hard at someone's lofty, broken ass dreams as I did just now. I am truly a heartless, cold b*tch, but this ish is hilarious. Sorry, Bill -- call me. You can hang your tarp in my garage/car port/rec room whenever you want. Oh, and I'm pregnant.


via reddit

UPDATE: If you can't get enough, and you are wearing Depends adult diapers and have some eye drops handy, please watch Gary Murphy. (B doesn't blink ONCE. Like, ever.) Oh, and language is NSFW on this one, because GARY IS A BOSS.

Okay, I'm done. I think I can be an actor.

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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Kanyeezy's Pseudo-Hero Mask

via buzzfeed
Dammit, West, what kind of nonsensical stupidity is happening here? You look like a milk man/priest/guy from Fat Albert hybrid.

Or like a kid on Halloween whose mom totally forgot that it was Halloween, because she works like three jobs (she's had some tough times), and then the kid is all, "MOOOOM, I don't even have a costume!" and she cuts a hole in the hat she's wearing and says it's a Spiderman costume. Not to mention, I'm pretty sure that you're holding your wenis like a corn cob. Can we just stop all of this sh*t, already? YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE SOMETHING'S FATHER.

Enough is a mother effin' nough.

P.S. This is why the world wants to collectively punch you.

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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure
This week's Allure blog is all for you, beauty bloggers of the world. This is "Why You NEED to Enter the Allure Beauty Blogger Awards (Yes, You)."

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I Think It's Time to Talk Timberlake for a Minute.

via timmy's website
I've kept pretty effin' mum on JT for a long ass time. I didn't say sh*t about that rude ass wedding video, I haven't mentioned how Jessica Biel is irritating to me, I haven't even brought up the meeeeeehhhhh feeling that his new song bring me. (Is it two songs? Is it kind of super boring? I'm old and confused.) But THEN I came across the photos posted on Justin's website of his ass back in the studio, and realized that #1) he looks hot, and #2) his beard isn't very neck beard-y. I mean, amiright?

Not even a shade of this monstrosity in sight, which is completely newsworthy to my ass.

both photos via jt's website
A couple of other noteworthy things -- henleys are apparently the hot sauce to ol' JT, and Timbaland is back. Are we still doing the whole Timbaland thing? I guess Timbaland is to JT what Grumpy Cat is to me. Whatever floats it, I suppose.

I totally know where Justified is biting his style from, however. I watched Paris is Burning for the first time last night, and that henley is looking MIGHTY close to the one that Ken Pendavis is wearing at the 6:30 mark in this video. I see you, Timberlake.

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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Why I Still Love Grumpy Cat, and I WILL NOT Stop the Effery.

She HATES cuddling. As do I -- get off my jock/personal space, other humans!
GC hates the outdoors. Being outside is TERRIBLE, you guys. It smells weird.
We both hate parties. TALKING TO ACTUAL PEOPLE?!? No.
She is NOT into grocery shopping. It's SO EFFING ANNOYING.
GC knows that being cold is SO GROSS.
We both know how HORRIBLE sports are. Why do people like this sh*t???
Are you guys sick of Grumpy Cat? Why can't I let her go? How do I move on with my life?

All photos via grumpycats.com.

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Monday, January 21, 2013

Random Homie: Mariah Carey's OPI Stay the Night from INPINK

My hands look like they're made from glittery moon rock, you guys, and I mean that ish in the best way possible. The nice people over at INPINK sent me a sample of the highly anticipated (in my heart) OPI/Mariah Carey callabo polish, Stay the Night ($9) and also a sassy little pave bracelet ($20), which I have been wearing the eff out of.

Now let's talk the polish. It's a black, matte polish with a pink glitter in it. And the finish is called sand, which means it dries to a sandpaper-type finish. It's seriously unlike any other nail product I've used. It's like a pumice stone, but glittery as sh*t. (Is that THE WORST description, ever?) You just need two coats of polish to get this sweet ass finish, but don't use a top coat because it's meant to look like SAND, hello. And I feel like the wear of the polish will be really long, because I've been wearing it for three days, and don't really have any chips. That's pretty unheard of for me, because I am hard as hell on my nails. They are like my own ten personal swiss army knives...that are attached to my hand.

See? It's still looking damn good, people. I'm totally into it. It makes me feel like this:

via mrhankey
 I really recommend this ish, if nothing more than it's different than anything I've ever tried before. Go visit the INPINK site to see all of the Mariah Carey/OPI possibilities. Hellllllooooo, moon fingers!

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Friday, January 18, 2013

My Old School (Lip) Jam and a New School Twist

clinique, $15
SURELY, if you are reading this blog, then you know about Clinique's Almost Lipstick in Black Honey. If not, then honey boo, it's time to get up on that train (and ride it). It's like a sheer-y, a little glossy, perfect bit of color to your lips. As if you've been drinking red wine -- and maybe noshing on a lil' cheesecake -- on a veranda with Blanche Devereaux all day. And who the hell doesn't want that lip color?!? This stuff has been around for years, so it's like an O.G. lip deal, much like my Blanche. Thank you for being a friend, Black Honey.

my new friend, shine attract lipstick (left) and black honey (right)
But I have a new pal, you guys. Avon's Shine Attract Lipstick in All Around Russet is kind of similar to my Black Honey, and the lipstick is on sale RIGHT NOW for $5.99. The exact shade is not available yet (this was another goodie from my Allure Best of Beauty haul, I believe), but there are a plethora of badass shades up in that b that you should try. Oh, and here's a swatch -- because I love your ass. (Not your ASS ass, but you.)

Pretty, pretty sweet, right? And I'm totally into the clear whatever it is around the color part of the lipstick. It makes it so un-lipsticky, and shiny. I'm totally feeling it. So I now have to share my love between my old school homegirl and my new fling. I feel like that douchey dude from Sister Wives.

 Totally feel you Kody with a k. Totally.

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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Get Out Your Fancy Scrunchie.

Holy sh*t, you guys. Screw all of that talk about Destiny's Child getting back together, because over on Buzzfeed they are saying that Kriss (m. effin') Kross ARE REUNITING for a one time concert in Atlanta next month. Let's not pretend like you weren't into this at the time:

You know you tried to force your denim overalls, that your mom bought you from JC Penney's kids' section, on awkwardly backwards, or you are wiggady wiggady wiggady whack. You tried. We all did. Oh and by the by, friends, here's what ol' KK looks like now.

via buzzfeed
Dude on the left is a DEAD RINGER for either KC or JoJo -- I never really figured out who's who.

And don't even get me started on that friggin' turtleneck. Did he time machine here? Now let's all get tickets to this ish and car pool together. Whose mom can drive? We're bringing back middle school.

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