Friday, August 31, 2012

What's in Yo' Bag?

It's no secret that I'm a "makeup" person. B, please. Why else am I even on this planet? And, yes, I'm one of those annoying w's that wears makeup to workout, go to the beach, or use a portapotty. I mean, I used to wear fake eyelashes almost on the daily. I'm a ridiculous, ridiculous person. That being said, it should come as a surprise to NO ONE that I keep an emergency makeup kit in my purse at all times. If I happen to leave my huge makeup bag at home, I will not be caught bare faced and fugged up in this piece.

sephora, $20
For face, the easiest one step quick fix product for me is Sephora Collection Matifying Compact Foundation. You can throw this on in the car without even taking a glimpse at your mug. Ish is easy. And I also like to use it as a finishing powder on top on my liquid foundation for full coverage, and for touch ups during the day.

cvs, $3.99
I have not been shy about my love for Maybelline Expert Eyes Brow & Eye Pencil Duo in Blonde. I love these pencils for a cheap, quick eyebrow defining moment. In my big girl makeup kit, I have actually been using another brow pencil (GASP!), but these kittens will always be my down ass b's.  

P.S. I know some of you are all, "Eyebrow pencil is part of an EMERGENCY kit???" And the answer to that is, duh -- of course.

walmart, $7.84
I won't go anywhere without L'Oreal Paris Infallible Eyeliner in Carbon Black in my bag. This mess will stay all up on your face. It's totally the HBIC when it comes to drugstore eyeliners. To keep it real on my "natural gym/beach/who, me wearing makeup? face," I like to wiggle and dot it on my lash line, just to give the illusion of thicker lashes.

free sample in this b
You've GOT to have a mascara in your baby sized bag of tricks. And I love to use a free sample sized version of a sexxxy ass mascara. Plus that ish is free -- you can't beat them apples. Whether it's from your saved up points from Sephora, or a gift with purchase from a department store, make sure you use that crap and don't let it sit there and get all dried up in your big daddy makeup kit.

hsn, $36
Someone gave me this Shiseido Benefiance Full Correction Lip Treatment a while back, and I am completely obsessed with it. It works to plump and get rid of those bleh lines around your lips in some kind of way. I don't know the science, but it's the business. It's perfect for the emergency kit, because it's colorless, but gives a nice shine to your pucker.

Those are all of my purse angels that must stay near me at all times. Do you guys keep an emergency makeup kit on your person? Am I a crazy ass weirdo? (Don't answer that.)

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Thursday, August 30, 2012

Someone Get Brenda on The Phone...

And the phone better look like this or I'm going to be pissed.
The New York Post is reporting that Kelly Taylor and Dylan McKay (or Jennie Garth and Luke Perry if you're boring) are dating EACH OTHER. Oh, hell naw. I know that Shannen Doherty is married, (Yes, it's important to stay up to date on IMPORTANT celebrity relationship statuses. And Education Connection commercials still qualify a person as a celebrity.) but she needs to drop her dude so she can get up on this. KELLY TAYLOR CANNOT WIN.

pic via ny post
P.S. Their respective reps claim that the two are just "close friends." Ummm hmmm. That means their no no's have seen each other. B, please. These two are practically bumping and grinding to Next's Too Close in the picture above.

Pshhhaw, I say to you. Pshhhaw. And on a completely unrelated note, I just ordered this shirt:

What? A capped sleeve baseball style screen printed baby tee is totally in for fall '12. I don't dictate the trends, people.

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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I Like to Get My Ass Handed to Me.

Ever since I was about 18, I have consistently done some kind of workout program. Whether it was lifting weights, running, yoga, Zumba, or some combination of random ish I've made up, I'm always doing something. But I first tried this specific workout probably three years ago, and I was hooked from the get go.

Bar Method booties rocking everywhere. Pic via bar method.
 It's called The Bar Method, and instead of trying to figure out how to use my words like a professional, I'll let the website speak for me:

the bar method — integrates the fat burning format of interval training, the muscle shaping technique of isometrics, the elongating principles of dance conditioning, and the science of physical therapy to create a revolutionary new workout that quickly and safely reshapes your entire body.

For me, it's like a combination of ballet-like moves and pilates that makes my friggin' legs shake uncontrollably (don't be a pervert) and wonder if I'll be able to drive home afterward. I started by using the DVDs a few years ago, and then when I moved to a larger town last year, I found that classes were held near me, and I was totally sold. This ish is the ish. But don't just believe my ass.

Celebrity fans of The Bar Method include: Ginnifer Goodwin, Drew Barrymore, Anna Paquin, Kelly Osborne, Kristen Bell, Dita Von Teese and a ton more. And if that's not enough to convince you this mess is the business, check out the founder, Burr Leonard, who is damn 65 years old:

That ish is freakin' ridiculous. If you want to try and get on Burr's level, you can get one of the DVDs for $20. I like having a badass 65 year old woman kick my ass.

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It's a National Holiday! (AKA It's Hot Stoddy's Birthday)

OMG, you guys. I felt like this day would never come. It's my soul sister, Courtney Stodden's, 18th Birthday! (Yes, in human years. Don't go there.) So she obvi talked to E! News about this monumental occasion, and here's what she got for her big day:

pic via eonline
It's an Italian Greyhound named...Dourtney. What? That's totally normal. I once had a dog that I somewhat ambiguously named Dannon, after myself, and then a yogurt company totally stole that ish from me. (Spoiler alert -- that never, ever happened.) Well if you're going to pick a name from singing the Name Game song about yourself, it really could be worse. At least it's not Fourtney. Or Mourtney.

So Happy Birthday to one of my favorite people in the world. I don't even know what my life would be like without you. Cue the playing of Kelly Clarkson's My Life Would Suck Without You. (No, don't.) Now that Hot Stoddy is 18, we can look forward to an ish-load more of this kind of thing:

pic via courtney's twitter

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Monday, August 27, 2012

Back 2 Basics: Super Easy Eye Makeup Tutorial!

For those of you just starting out, or aren't really an expert on yo' makeup game...This one's for you!

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True Blood Musings: C'EST FINI!

Oh, there's my other boo. Where've you been, you hot Nordic piece? This is the end, kittens. Let's do this.


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Saturday, August 25, 2012

Wait, Lifetime Hasn't Already Made This Ish Into a Movie?!?

TMZ broke the exciting news (to me) that Lifetime is currently casting a movie depicting the life of Anna Nicole Smith. So, YES to that news. I love a tawdry ass Lifetime movie. Is there anything better? Here are my picks for to play this, ahem, interesting cast of characters.

Anna Nicole Smith --
My picks for Anna Nicole are Amanda Bynes as young AN, and Lilo as the older. And if you don't agree with me on this one, then...

Howard K. Stern -- In case you aren't completely up to date on Anna's daily life (What have you been doing???) Howard was ANS's long time lawyer and maybe lover (gross) and fake baby daddy.

I think that Michael Richards, aka Kramer from Seinfeld would be a great Howard. He's like a good 20 years older, but whatevs, it's fine.

Anna's son, Daniel --
Derek Hough from Dancing with the Stars is a pretty damn close match to AN's son, Daniel. I don't even know if he's really an actor, and he would have to do a little brow maintenance, but that ish is on point.

P.S. When I was googling to find a picture of Daniel, the FIRST picture that came up was a picture of his dead body. SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE? Is that what we're doing now??? The answer is no, we are not.

J. Howard Marshall -- This was that old homeboy that Anna married when she was like 20 and he was like 2840329.

If Herbert from Family Guy isn't a dead ringer for J. Howard, I don't know who the eff is. Ol' Herbs is clearly a cartoon, so maybe they could work a little Roger Rabbit magic on this piece.

E. Pierce Marshall -- J. Howard's son, who fought AN in court forever because she wanted homie's money. (Whaaaaaat?)

I think George W. Bush is a shoe in to play this dude. They're both from Texas, and let's be real -- old white guys pretty much look the same. My dad is also a good candidate.

Larry Birkhead -- Dude was a paparazzi, Anna's REAL baby daddy, and always seemed somewhat douchey. (Seriously, the movie is going to be so freakin' awesome.)

Larry HAS to be played by Keith Urban. They are total chunky highlight twinsies.

Will you guys be watching this trainwreck of a TV movie? Please believe, I will be calling into work the next day, because this ish will be parrr-tayyy time at my house. Do you have any better ideas of casting for these hoes? Let's discuss this mess.

Thanks to Sara for emailing me this hot mess and forcing me to write about it.

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Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Lazy Blogging: Go Read Something That I Already Wrote

pic via allure
I am not shy about my super love for Honey Boo Boo's sassy ass. Go over to Allure and read my blog on how her kiddie pageantry inspires real-life beauty inspiration.

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Tuesday, August 21, 2012

90's Dudes Today: Boy Meets World Edition (With a Joey Lawrence Cameo)

I saw a picture of Boy Meets World's Rider Strong the other day, randomly, and found that he is now pretty sexual.

Right??? He's all facial hair-y and probably still a smug little b. So that prompted me to find the other boys from the show and see how they are looking these days.

Okay, so he still (pretty much) looks the same; like a mini Fred Savage. EXCEPT that Fred Savage starred in this little gem:

OBESSION IS DEADLY, you guys. Effing deadly. One of the top five best Lifetime Movies, trust.

So that leaves us with the older brother, that I always thought was one of the Lawrence brothers for some reason. In reality, his name is Will Friedle and here he is:

Okay, clearly not a Lawrence brother. Because THIS is what Joey Lawrence now looks like:

pic via radar online
Well hello, there. Score one for team Lawr Bro. (And Rider Strong.)

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True Blood Musings: Blah, Blah, Blah.

I don't really know what my deal is lately with True Blood. I just feel a whole big ass "No Comment." about it. So this week, I just took pictures of random ish that seemed to interest me. Sorry. How you realized I'm s*tty about everything yet? Get with the program.

JUMP to see this week's True Blood in pictures.
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Monday, August 20, 2012

What's The Deal With Argan Oil, Anyway? (Jerry Seinfeld Voice)

You seriously can't swing a dic...tionary (See what I did there?) without seeing something about how freakin' AMAZEBALLS (I'm using that ironically; I hate it.) Argan oil is for everything from your face to body to hair. I have used some kind of Argan oil product on my hair for probably the last five years, when Moroccan Oil shoved Biosilk to the curb. Oh, Biosilk...That mess was my jam FOR. EV. A.

But beyond that, I never really explored any other beauty products with Argan oil, or even really known what it was. I read a bunch about it on Wikipedia, then I promptly forgot it all. But I do remember that originally they harvested the nuts or whatever from goat poop. Enjoy that nugget (har, har) of knowledge.

If you don't remember this, ugggggh.
 It comes from the kernel (nut?) of the Argan tree, which kind of looks like a bigger version of Mr. Miyagi's Bonsai tree. Part of the process has to be done by hand, so that's probably why that ish is pretty expensive. So quit your bitching, unless you want to crack the nuts yourself.

pic via wikipedia
Okay, enough about real information. Let's get to the good good. I must confess, I haven't used Argan oil on my face. But I have been using Tarte's Maracuja Oil, that I got as part of a cosmetic set.

$46, QVC
It's not as thick as Argan oil, and mine is a little mini size that has a roller ball deal on the top, which is pretty bad as eff. But I have taken to using this stuff as a night time moisturizer, and I love it. My face feels ridic soft in the morning, and not super oily. Which is weird, because well, it's a friggin' oil.

Okay, back to the topic at hand, Argan oil. On my hunt for awesome products containing the ol' magical oil, I discovered that Kiehl's has a full line of Argan oil based products for both hair and body. And Kiehl's is obvi the bee's knees, so I harassed them until they let me try them. Just kidding -- they are totally nice, and did not file a restraining order -- yet.

For body lotions/oils, I fell hard for two products: the Superbly Restorative Argan Body Lotion ($38) and the Superbly Restorative Argan Dry Oil ($34).

I am usually a body oil kind of girl, and I don't mind a greasy one. (All of that sounded super inappropriate.) But this oil is absorbed quickly, and moisturizes the hell out ya skin. And the lotion is equally as fabulous. My main problem with lotion, generally, is that I feel like it just "sits" on top of my skin and feels filmy. But this leaves my skin feel soft and silky. And they both have a kind of citrusy, nutty, non-perfumey smell that I totally enjoy. I feel like even dudes could use these. I seriously can't choose which one I like more. Don't make me Sophie's Choice it up in this b.

For the hair situation, I also have found some badassery with Argan oil. For a super moisturizing hair masque,  Kiehl's Superbly Smoothing Argan Hair Pak ($25) is the business. It's not crazy heavy and oily, and it's silicone and paraben-free. I use it about once a week, and it makes my hair like butta.

I was also given an Argan oil leave-in to try, coming from a company that is new to me. It's called U LUXURY Argan Oil (about $48) from Unite Hair, and this has become my daily down a*s b. I like this more than the shall-remain-unnamed Argan oil that I have been using for about the past year, and even more than the original Moroccan Oil. It has yet to make my hair feel oily, or over-productized. (Listen, I know that that is not even close to being a word, but just go with it.) You know that feeling, when you've used too much crap in your hair? And you get that sinking feeling of "Oh, ish. I'm going to have to wash this mop all over again, aren't I?" Not with this lil' lady, you won't.

So what did we learn today? Rubbing nut juice all over your face, hair, and body is super good for it. ( SOMEONE STOP THESE WORDS FROM COMING FROM MY FINGERS. IT'S ALL TOO MUCH.) But seriously, Argan oil is friggin' boss, you guys. Even for this oily b. Do you guys have a favorite Argan (or other type of oil) product? TELL ME EVERYTHING.

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Saturday, August 18, 2012

Only Watch This Ish if You Truly, Truly Hate Yourself

I watched this entire Nickelback video. What does that even say about my life? This is the latest Nickelback video, starring Jason Alexander (Seinfeld, not Britney Spears' 55 hr long husband. That might have been better.) It's hard to know where to rest your eyes while watching this. I couldn't make eye contact with homeboy's turrrible rug, that's for damn sure. And that font? Don't get me started. The highlight is Brooke Burns rubbing coffee beans all over her body and flying through green screen space surrounded by coffee cups. I guess?

That's more than five minutes of my sh*tty life that I'll never get back.

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Thursday, August 16, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Amanda Bynes Edition

pics via Buzz Feed
This person is ALLEGEDLY Amanda Bynes. But I hope somebody's birth certificate was stolen, or something, because this is freaking me the eff out. SOMETHING WEIRD IS GOING ON HERE, PEOPLE. Boo boo is looking hella disoriented, skinny as a mofo, and in danger of having extreme follicular damage to that rug if some V05 Hot Oil doesn't jump up on that scalp real quick. Let it holler at you, girl. Let it holler. Not to mention, she's rocking the hell out of a SCRUNCHIE. There's no need for anymore exhibits; case closed. Seriously, tweet me if you need a place to rest your weary head, sweetness. Let's reboot.

And that's why Amanda Bynes gets the GUUUUUURL of the day.

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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Oh, Snap. Get My Brown Lip Liner and Frosted Lipstick Back, STAT.

Word on the (beauty) street is that chocolate nails are back for fall. To which I say, been there, done that, got the long ass acrylic nails to prove it. (Well, not the actual nails. That would be disgusting. I have the PICTURES to prove it.)

Let's get a closer look at those hot, hot talons of late 90's sexy.

Woooooow. (Flavor Flav voice -- I that even a slightly relevant reference? Nope, not at all.) So, I'm not sure if I'm to jump all up on this bandwagon yet, but I did find some great polishes to kick off the chocolate rain craze.

butter London in Tramp Stamp, $14
Essie in Chocolate Cakes, $8
NYX in Matte Chocolate Brown, about $6
Will you guys try chocolate nails again? Or did you get your fill (har, har) of the choco trend back in the day?

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Monday, August 13, 2012

People are Doing Crap to Their Hair, Again. (Plus Cyrus Family Music That's Really Friggin' the Business.)

As I'm sure all of you h's have seen, My Cy (aka Miley Cyrus) cut that hurrr. Here's a collage that I made of some of her Twitter pictures, because I am a twelve year old girl.

Now, here's the thing. I like it. She's young, and this is the time to do this crap. She looks like a sexual(ish) Susan Powter.

With a tiny dash of Kate Gosselin.

Remember THAT haircut? That was tragic. But I'm totally into MC's hair. I'm jealous that I can't pull off that mess. But Miley's not the only b in the game that's switching up that rug. Mizz Christina Aguilera also rode that pony.

pic via US Weekly
This, on the other hand, I am not into.  It's just TOO MUCH. Especially for someone of her age. Now I'm not saying b is OLD, but we're the same age. I'm immature as a mofo, and I consider myself about seven years too old to do this jazz. And it's all just a little...Um...(Porny.) But that's a good look! (If that's your thing. And if so, play on, player.)

In another twist of events that turns the tables back to the Cyrus family, I have a new jam, and it's by a band that includes Miley Cyrus' older sister. The band's called Frank + Derol, and the song is called "Barely Love You Too." Click below to download that ish fo' free. You have nothing to lose, and it's seriously freaking the bee's knees. Just download it, and wear out your repeat dealy deal. You are welcome.

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Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Randy Travis Got Busted for Getting Crunk and Driving While...

pic via E! News
NAKEY! I normally wouldn't even write about a country singer, just because it's not really my deal at the moment, but B WAS NAKED AND CRASHED HIS CAR. How does that happen? But he apparently was wearing a hat, because the picture above is ol' Ran Ran leaving the slammer in some papery scrub deals, barefoot, and WEARING A HAT. You would think that one would at least throw a thong on before climbing behind the wheel. Damn, I'll have what he's having. ALLEGEDLY.

P.S. If he was drinking Arbor Mist, I can die a happy woman.

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Lazy Blogging: Go Read Something That I Already Wrote

pic via Allure
I don't expect you guys to read 99.9% of the ish that I write. I mean most of it is complete and utter nonsense. But, please go read what I wrote for my Allure blog this week. If you don't remember all of this mess, I don't even know you anymore.

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Tuesday, August 7, 2012

True Blood Musings: I Think the Wardrobe B's are Effing With Us.

So, this happened this week. I can't even handle 90% of what my eyes saw this week. Let's get this over with...


UPDATE: Holy eff, you guys. This b stole Honey Boo Boo's jam.

Mind = blown. I think I just saw the future.

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Unicorn Tears? I Don't Know How This Ish Works, But It's the Sauce.

I have been using something pretty damn fantastic for a while now, and I haven't said a word about it. I'm sh*tty, I know. But sometimes when it comes to skincare-type stuff, I do the whole "I need to really give this stuff a fair shake if I'm going to REALLY review it." That turns into using something for roughly 927429874 days and forgetting to even share with you b's. Yep, that's how I roll. I see a glitter eyeliner, and everything goes to hell in a friggin' hand basket.

image via Sephora
This is Cleansing Spa Water from Koh Gen Do, which can be purchased from Sephora. They sent me some to try, along with a description of what the deal is with this "water."

"It is made with the thermal water from Yumura Hot Springs in Izumo, Japan. Where pure water, rich with skin-absorbing nutrients, replenishes and rejuvenates as it cleanses. White Birch Sap, harvested only three weeks in early spring, contributes an abundance of minerals and xylitol as it lifts off makeup, oils and residue. No washing or rinsing required! Perfectly convenient for on-location makeup artists and busy on-the-go women. Oil-free. Alcohol-free. Safe for contact lens wearers.
Infused with six essential herbs to protect and nurture skin."

Sounds weird/like this mess is just vitamin water or something, right? Well lemme tell you something, this stuff is the cat's pajamas. I was using whatever pre-moistened cleansing/makeup remover wipes before these, and I always got some rashy-type business if I didn't wash my face right after. But I've been using this stuff for a couple of months now, and my skin is looking the best it's looked in a loooong time -- which isn't saying a whole lot, my skin sucks, but it's good for MY skin. (I'm also using some new skincare products but I'll get to that another time.) I like to wipe my makeup off my entire face with this stuff, then wash my face with my Clarisonic. It's friggin' boss, trust.

Oh, but the magic doesn't end there. I have also found ANOTHER new love of my life (I'm a w when it comes to this stuff. Don't you "no doy" me.) I begged the people at Mally Beauty to let me sample the Poreless Face Defender, and after much stalking, they allowed me to.
pic via
Let me be real with you, I have no idea how this stuff works. Here's what the Mally peeps have to say about it:

"Mally's Evercolor Poreless Face Defender is the perfect finishing touch for your makeup. This remarkable technology yields an utterly sheer, featherweight product that diffuses the look of pores, minimizes fine lines, and helps protect your makeup so it lasts from morning to night. Face Defender gives you that flawless matte finish without the dry, ashy look of powder. The result is silky smooth skin and longer-lasting makeup. It comes with a unique buffed-edge Japanese sponge."

It feels like a gel, but isn't sticky or anything on your face. And I don't get the muddiness that I always get a few hours after using a translucent powder with this stuff. One of my co-workers even said that I looked less oily after all day at work, and I hadn't blotted ONCE. (Which is some serious ish in my world.) There's also a video from Mally herself on how to use it. My only issue with the Face Defender is that the sponge doesn't have a little nook to go into in the compact. I've just kept the box it came with so far, but as soon as I spill water/perfume/tea in my purse (yes, that happens frequently), it's curtains on that b. If you want to try it for yourself, you can purchase on for $40.

Okay, I'm done David Copperfielding your makeup bag for now. I'm no damn scientist (obviously), but I know the good good when I find it, and these two are magically delicious all up on yo' face!

pic via buzzfeed
Now it's back to business, hooligans!

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Monday, August 6, 2012

I've Been Listening to a Helluva Lot of SWV...

And I think I sound pretty, pretty good with the harmonizing, ladies. And don't worry, I've created an alternate album cover.

I'm pretty sure I've got this in the bag. Email me.

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