Thursday, May 31, 2012


I'm sorry if I annoyed you with my Kanye yelling CAPS, but if ever there were a time they were acceptable, THIS IS IT! (Sorry! I can't stop!)

I really can't thank everyone enough that supported me, voted on me, and the like. I love all my b's! And I'm so shocked and nervous, I could vom all over the Teacups ride today.

Once again, thanks to Allure and Revlon, and YYYYAAAAAAAYYYYY!

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Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Kan-Yeezy's New Kicks

Okay, I was trying, obvs unsuccessfully, to be cool with that headline. Sigh. This is Kanye West's new Nike sneaker (Is that what you say? It sounds like an old person to me.) called the Nike Air Yeezy II. I'm sure that mostly chicks are reading this, so most of us will not be wearing these. Or perhaps you will, I'm not up in your dude-shoe-wearing bizz like that.

Is it me being old, or do these look dangerous? I feel like I would be ripping the ish out of my car interior and such with that spiked mess. The back of these things are very reminiscent of this:

And if you don't recognize Cera from The Land Before Time, I bid you "Good day!" Slap yourself across the face with a pair of white gloves, and go to Blockbuster. (Too soon?)

Are you guys into these shoes? If you were a dude (or yourself) would you wear them?

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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Get Your Pitchforks Greased and Ready for Me

On second thought, that was a terrible choice of imagery for this post, given the topic. I have to tell you guys something, and it's going to piss some of you off. Here goes:

I kind of hate Fifty Shades of Grey.

Let me say this first. (Ugh, I originally typed "fist.") If anyone in my family is reading what I've typed right now, please go away. This is not for you, Aunt Sally or Gam Gam. (I have changed their names, because clearly they would want me to.)

Now that it's just us dirty-minded w's, can we get real? These books are not good. Was the sex part pretty good at the beginning? Sure, fine. But after the 293487039284 tryst, we gots it. You guys like doing each other and stuff. SMOLDERING!!!! And full disclosure -- I'm only halfway through the second book. So maybe alien abduction or something awesome is going to happen soon. But if not, I must say: Can a b get a plot up in here?

I swear the first book was sponsored by the word "bodywash." And when's the last time you saw a crazy hot dude with copper hair and gray eyes? If this is really a fan fiction book about Carrot Top, I will freak the eff out. How is this going to be a movie? I don't see how. You can only show so many "circling thumbs" before you get a NC-17 rating.

Okay, I'm done. I will attempt to read the rest of the books, and swallow (heh) my pride.

Am I wrong, guys? Do you hate me now?

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Thursday, May 24, 2012

Breaking News: Britney Spears Looks Super Hot

Pic via Daily Mail
The worst kept secret in the world is my huge love for Mizzz Britney Spears. I love this b. Crazy, sane, Cheeto-stained fingers, mama no care. This is my homegirl for life. So I'm proud to say that my girl is looking guuuuuuurd thanks to the X Factor. I even have those shoes, but mine aren't YSL, they are, ahem, Baker's. Yep, Baker's.

You know if she was sitting at home she's be in frappuccino spotted sweats and a tank top, sans bra. (P.S. The girl are looking "freshened up," no?) So I'm excited for Brit Brit, even if I don't watch this show. I wish I could do a long ass soak off of those french manicured acrylics, but beggars can't be choosers.

Keep it going, honey boo boo!

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What Would Ariel Buy?

Let me break it down for you: When I was a kid, I freakin' loved Ariel from The Little Mermaid.
Still a hot b.
I wanted to be Ariel with BLONDE hair, though of course. (Because I had blonde hair, natch.) I even once almost drowned (slightly dramatized version) in my pool because I was trying to swim like a damn mermaid with one of those stupid dive rings you play with in the pool around my feet. I was/am a terrible combination of imaginative and kind of dumb.

I am still, today, a little obsessed with Ariel. I have told you guys before that I love a gorge ginger, and this b is the epitome of the hot ginger chick (with a fish tail no less). So I started thinking, if Ariel was a real person, and lived in current times, what would she like? Sidebar -- When the eff was The Little Mermaid supposed to take place? The mess could have been anywhere between 1634 and 1920.

Bumble and Bumble Surf Spray, $24
Of course Ariel (person version) would totally be into beachy waves. And this Bumble and Bumble Surf Spray has actual salt water in it.

Lancome Color Design 5 Shadow & Liner Palette in Amethyst Glam, $49

A good purple shadow looks great on almost anyone, and we know that this color is great on Ariel, because, duh, her boob shells are purple. I own this palette, and the she's a beaut, Clark. It has a great shimmer level (not circa '97 levels of glitter), and blends very easily.

Trident Earring from Etsy, $40

If our modern-day Ariel were cool and even a little bit hipster-y, she would wear the hell out of this trident duster earring. And I think she would be. She liked shiny crap, and was possibly the world's first ever hoarder. Someone needs to buy this badass thing immediately, take pictures of themselves wearing it, email me the picture, and then I can hate you forever. I just like to hate people, like for fun.

Nars Body Glow, $59
Listen, when Ariel had legs, they were some badass gams, see? (read that in a 20's gangster voice) To keep those things looking spicy, I think that homegirl would appreciate a little glow on her skin. On the real, I haven't tried this ish, because it's freakin' $59, and I'm poor. But doesn't it just look like hot sex?

Local Celebrity Seashell Skinny Tank, $46
I mean, come the hell on. There are seashells. On a tank top.

Too Faced Full Bloom Lip & Cheek Color in Prim & Poppy Coral, $21
Ariel is used to living Unda da Sea, where everything's wetter...and you probably don't wear makeup. So she would totally benefit from using a product that has dual uses and is super easy to put on, like this creamy blush/lip combo from Too Faced.

What do you guys think? Would Ariel use all this ish? Or would Scuttle like it all...To poop on!

This dog said I'm a dumbass.

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Monday, May 21, 2012

The "What's It Like?" Chronicles: Botox Edition

Listen, I know that (ideally) I should be all, "Everyone be natural! Don't wear makeup or get cosmetic surgery! That's all for the birds!" (What the eff does that mean, anyway?) But that ain't me, babe. No, no, no. It ain't me, babe. (Sorry, just a little Johnny Cash break.)

I LIKE to have fake stuff. I know, it's not the best attitude to have. And I wish I wasn't this way! I'm horrible; what can I say? I've had plastic surgery (more on that another time), I like to use crap like Latisse and wear fake eyelashes, and fake hair...And I've had Botox. Twice!

Could have used a needle poke, non?
You see, my 'regular face' kind of looks like a 'b face' and I scowl a lot. I'm a real peach, obvs. And I have to say, that I really liked not having wrinkles in my forehead. Is it vain? Yes. But, whatevs. It is what it is. (I'm dying to get more, BTW.)

So what's it like to get your face stuck with needles full of paralyzing fluids??? It ain't that bad, b's! Here's the realness:
  • It doesn't really hurt, not badly, anyway. It's just a little stick, not nearly as bad as getting a shot. The weirdest part is when the needle goes through your skin, it makes a 'crunching' sound. I'm not a scientist, I don't know why. It's creepy.
  • It doesn't work immediately; it takes a day or two to really take effect.
  • You don't get as many headaches for some reason. (Can you tell I really am up on my facts??? Sigh. I am perhaps THE worst.)
  • It lasts about three months or so. 
I won't pretend like it's all kittens pooping Skittle rainbows. I have seen some people looking jacked up from Botox mess ups. Droopy eyes, frozen faces, the whole deal. So do proceed with caution, and pick a good and trustworthy doc if this is the frown-less road on which you would like to proceed.

And to all of the women out there that don't give two effs about getting wrinkles and ish, I have mad, mad respect for you. I wish I liked myself as much, trust! But until then, I'm trying to get my face to look permanently like this:

Minus those eye bags, of course. Come on, girl. Get that ish tight.

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I Don't Think I'm Ready (For This Jelly)

I was walking around the mall the other day, because I'm old and that's what old people do, when I came across these gems:

What the eff, guys? Are we REALLY doing this again? Not that these earrings weren't my ride or die Claire's favorites back in the day, but daaaayyyyumn. I also came across a pack of scrunchies. I'm stressed. Will I be waking up some time in the near future wearing this again?

Yes, I am that b.
I don't know if I have that kind of money in my balloon budget.

Or, perhaps this is in my future (again):

Limited, Too was my jam.
I look like a sister wife. But, damn, I wish I had that collar bone back.  P.S. How did we live before flat irons? That is one unfortunate hair situation.

Here's one of my favorite fashion history moments:

A baby pink Members Only/Michael Jackson 'Beat It' hybrid jacket? Yes, please. I would still rock that mess.

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I Have a Really Valid Question for This Maury Guest

Mario or Dee, maybe. But why the hell are you sleeping with dudes with names like Timboo or Black?

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Saturday, May 19, 2012

Why Do We Give a Vajazzle About Raven Symone's Lady Business?

The interwebs have been accusing Raven Symone of loving on the ladies, specifically some chicky poo from America's Next Top Model. So Olivia (Cosby, duh.) took to her Twitter to speak up on the rumors. She's pretty much telling us we're in her business more than this cat.

Pic via

Pretty much, b is saying that she ain't saying! Which is fine. I don't need to know what Raven's lady parts are doing (or who) 24/7.

What I DO want to know is, why this mess was cancelled.

Yes, I watched this show. And I liked it. Kind of a lot.

The only other thing I want to know from Raven Symone is if she knows where Bill Cosby bought this.

I'm in love with a sweater. (That should have been the name of the T-Pain song.)

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Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Get The Most Out of Your Lashes, and Not Look (That) Insane

Who doesn't want long, luscious lashes straight out of a Bambi cartoon? I know I do. That ish is hot. Flower's eyelashes were the business. Who knew it was possible to be jealous of an (animal) cartoon? Don't get all crazy and b-faced about it. I've got some tips to make Flower look like ish. (Now that's just mean.)

1. Try Latisse! 

Seriously, don't be scared of this mess. I've been using Latisse for almost two years, and I'm totally into this ish. You use it initially every night for like four months or so, and then go onto the maintenance phase, where you use it a few nights a week to keep your results.

 It's prescription, so you have to get it from a doctor, or at least a medical spa. That's kind of a pain in the ass, but you can usually find decent deals on Latisse. It retails for $120, but lots of docs/spas have BOGO on it or other good discounts.

Tip: Put a drop in the cap of the bottle and dip the brush in the cap to apply. It makes it last longer, trust. I've been on the same bottle for like six months. This isn't what the directions that come with the bottle says to do, so if you eyeball falls out or something, don't sue me. I'm not a doctor, I'm dumb.

2. Line your waterlines.

Sephora Cream Liner, $10
NOTHING makes sparse lashes look more bountiful than lining your waterlines. You are probably saying, "DUBS TEE EFF is a damn waterline???" It's the inner line of your eyelid right past your eyelash line, before your actual ball. Gots it? Line those b's with a cream or gel black eyeliner, using a very thin, angled brush. I promise your lashes will look better. That ish cray!

Tip: Don't wear a ton of eyeshadow if you want your eyelashes to look longer. The more shadow you pile on, the less focus will be on the lashes.

3. Wear two different mascaras.
My down ass b mascara.
I know that this sounds weird, but just try it. If you layer two different mascaras together, lashes look more voluminous. What the what??? I like to use L'Oreal Voluminous mascara first, wait a minute, then follow with a more "lengthening" type of mascara. I like Cover Girl Lash Perfection currently for the second mascara.

Tip: Use a mascara with a plastic brush for the second mascara. It gets all of the nasty clumps out, and takes away the Tammy Faye (RIP, homegirl) spider lash look.

4. Wear falsies.
Cheap and not insane looking.
No, not in your bra. (But those are cool, too.) Fake eyelashes are the ultimate step in amping up your lashes, obvs. And they really aren't THAT hard to apply. It takes a little practice and good glue (I recommend DUO Adhesive that MAC sells.) I'll make a video on how I apply falsies soon, not that I'm a freakin' expert or anything.

Tips: Let the lash glue dry for a couple minutes before you put the falsies on. They will stay on MUCH better than if you just throw those b's on willy nilly. Truth. Also, be conservative when you pick your fakes. Don't get the biggest, craziest pair on the rack. Pretend like Jane Austen is shopping for eyelashes at CVS with you. (What does that even mean?!? WWMDT -- What Would Mr. Darcy Think?)

If you follow all of these tips, your lashes will be more on point than this:

You're welcome. (That b!)

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And Mischa Barton Makes an Amazing Comeback! (Not.)

Because nothing says, "I'm back b's, and I've TOTALLY got my ish together!" like putting on a panda head and faux making out with another panda head. Why you gotta bring ol' Louis Armstrong into this mess???

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Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Lisa Turtle is Totally Stressing Me Out, You Guys.

Lisa Turtle (WTF kind of last name is that, anyway, Saved by the Bell writers???) A.K.A. Lark Voorhies (a forever sexual name) did a little interview with OMG Yahoo about what she's been up to in recent years. Here it is.

Ummm, I need to have Lark's email, cell phone, and home address info. I'm worried about her. Something doesn't look right. And I mean that without snark. What's up, Larkie poo? Here's a comparison if you hadn't seen her since she went to the toga party and wrecked her mom's car:

Pic via US Weekly

She just looks so...different. But, upon further review, I think I MIGHT have an inkling of what's going on. In the picture on the left, you can see a light spot on her forehead, near her hairline. I suspect that Lark might have vitiligo (what Michael Jackson allegedly had that lightened his skin). So, she might have a quite uneven skin tone now on most of her face. But the rest of her body looks unaffected.

Ugh, I don't know. All I know is whatever the case may be, we need to work on that hair and makeup situation, STAT.

We can fix this! It takes a village to help a cray beauty situation, but I've got you, L. Turts.

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Monday, May 14, 2012

Have Crap, Will Travel

I went on a trip this past weekend, because I'm a baller (I'm totally not), and I was reminded just how much it sucks to travel when it comes to beauty products. My husband was all, "We'll only be gone a couple days, let's just do carry on luggage." He promptly got this reaction:

Mens (and parents -- thanks Fresh Prince) just don't understand. You can't do carry on, because you're limited to like 1.5 liquid items, or whatever, and they have to be -0.9238438 oz or something and fit in a plastic bag the size of a thimble. (I'm not googling that info. Lazy ride or die, all day, 'err day.) My husband acted like I was crazy in the brains, because b uses a bar of Irish Spring and ish as his only beauty item. Whatevs, I'm high maintenance...Have we met?

So, I'm back, and thinking about what I SHOULD have brought with me.
My Mom just gave me this badass Romancing the Glow palette from tarte. (QVC, for $39.98) It's a perfect traveler -- not this kind, but still:

But it's got six eyeshadow shades, a big blush, bronzer, and a highlighter. Plus, it's got the amazonian clay goodness in it, mmmkay? My mom totally gets me.

I also did not bring my L'Oreal EverCreme Cleansing Conditioner (Amazon, about $6), even though it would have saved me a lot of space in my suitcase. My head is mostly used for a hat rack. What can I say? I love this ish, and it has one of those pumps on top that lock, so it's pretty spill-proof.

Urban Decay's 24/7 Eye Pencil in Perversion (Sephora, $19) is pretty, pretty good. It stays the hell on, through A LOT, including falling asleep on your seat neighbor's shoulder on the plane (all without smearing). And it's as black tar! (Which is a good thing, if you're wondering.) My only complaint on this b is that I wish it was not a pencil you had to sharpen. Make it in a click-up pencil. I beg of you!

Those are my picks for travel! (Still going to check my bags, I'm not a vagrant.)

Do you guys have any travel favorites? Share with a b!

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Sunday, May 13, 2012

Happy Mother's Day From C Stodd

Hot Stoddy, you are so thoughtful! A fishnet tube dress, mullet-ish hair, and boobies pushed up towards the heavens are just what moms want. I can't wait until her armband line comes out (you know it will). I will totally squeeze my stubby little b's into one.

Happy Mother's Day!

P.S. Nice armoire. Too bad mine is cooler.

As if. I wish I had that mess. And a kid like Chip.

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Thursday, May 10, 2012

Go, girl! (Yes, I just said "Go, girl." What do you want from me? I'm old.)

 I've never really had an opinion one way or the other regarding AnnaLynne McCord of (new) 90210 fame. In fact, I had to google her name like three times to figure out how to spell her damn name properly. This is how I'm used to 90210:

I prefer my 90210 with a heaping lot of Brenda, with a side of OOOOOONdrea Zuckerman. But ALMC recently tweeted a bare-faced pic of herself:

And I have to say, kudos to you, kiddo. Or KADOOZE as Real Housewife Ramona Singer would say.

I'm over celebs tweeting photos with flawless bare skin, and rubbing in all of our average faces. Like, we get it people, you are flawless. Great. I already hate myself enough. What more do you want from me? So I give uber points to ALMC for showing her real face, even if that includes a little uneven skintone LIKE AN ACTUAL HUMAN BEING.

So to you, ALMC, I say, "Go, girl!"

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Tuesday, May 8, 2012

"Young lady, you better wipe that puss off of your face right this instant!"

Okay, I just kind of wanted to use that phrase, because I am forever 12. Don't believe me?

This is what I'm wearing on my hand right now. I seriously hate myself. Anyway, enough about me. Let's ish on someone else for a while, shall we?

In case you have caught yourself unaware (How dare you?!?!?), this is Lana del Rey at last night's Met Gala. She is a (kind of ) indie singer, that people like to hate on. I ACTUALLY like this b, but come on, kitten. Is life so hard? YOU ARE AT AN EFFING PARTY, SWEETS. And you're wearing a badass cape. Do you know how much I wish I were wearing a cape right now? And sparkly other crap?

I'm wearing yoga pants and a damn child's bow ring. And I'm in my thirties. Buck up, kid. You've got it pretty good.

And you're pretty. So take your freakin' crabby pants off. Maybe try yoga pants. Them b's is comfy!

P.S. Whaddup to Natalie Portman's peplum-ed out face twin behind you. I see you, b!

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An Epic Battle: Zack Morris' Cell Phone VS AC Slater's Pleated Pants

After seeing Mr. Belding on Mad Men this week, I started thinking.

Whaddup, Mr. B? Where's Miss Bliss?
What was more awesome(er): Zack Morris' 10381093810298 lb cell phone? Or Slater's pleated to hell and back pants? Let's have a little refresher.

First, the phone:

The early years

What the what? Is that an effing flip phone???
"What's up, Preppy? Check these guns!"
Now, that's just adorbs.

But, I don't know, you guys. These pants just won't quit:

This. Is. Weird.
This entire look is sexy. (Call the police, I think he's 13 here.)
Z Cavariccis never looked so olive-y!
Wow. These are the pants version of that double-velcro Reebok high top we wore. (Don't front like you didn't.)
So what's better? Zack's uber techo savvy phone? Or Slater's fashion forward bottom wear?

Duh. The pants win. DID YOU SEE THE LAST PICTURE?!?!? Plus, there's this:

Bonus points for Lisa's hair.
 P.S. Was this the "Jessie's addicted to effing CAFFEINE PILLS" episode? Oh, 90's. You were such a card.

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Friday, May 4, 2012

How To: Get Real Housewives Hair

An easy tutorial to get that wavy, housewivesy hair!

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Should I Be Scared?

I need to go bleach my skin.

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Thursday, May 3, 2012

Clear EVERY-freakin'-THING from your DVR

SyFy has come up with another cinematic TV gem. I present to you the trailer of 'Jersey Shore Shark Attack.' This ish is quite a mess, and includes a cameo by Vinny from 'Jersey Shore.' (Of course it does.) Spoiler alert: Joey Fatone (yes, that Joey Fatone) gets eaten by a CGI shark that looks like it was created around Zelda's heyday.

Get your Emmy ballots out. I don't think we need to see anything more for the TV movie category. If that exists. And if it doesn't, it should. And if it does, this movie should get a lifetime achievement award.
 Because if anything deserves an award for creativity, it's a movie told from Joey Buttafuoco's point of view. That ish is a work of fantasy. But I will say:

Those b's are com-for-table.

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