Friday, April 27, 2012

I Know That I Said I Was Done...

Pic via Daily Mail

But I just can't quit my boo. The most disturbing thing about these pictures is that C Stodd isn't wearing shoes while riding her bike. Do you remember how badly that ish hurt when you were a kid? You thought you were going to be a bad ass and go (shoe) commando, but then you just cried like a b.

Go see the other pics at Daily Mail. It involves Court playing volleyball by herself. She's just normaling, you guys. It's not weird.

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How to Not Look so Makeup-y (Even if You Have a Crap Load on)

Get rid of that dreaded "makeup 'stache." (I don't think it really has a name, but it does for me!)

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Thursday, April 26, 2012

Vomitous Info of the Day: Sponsored by Lisa Marie Presley

I'll get right to the nasty (literally). Lisa Marie Presley told Elle Magazine in a recent interview that after she and Michael Jackson divorced in 1996 that they continued to have relationship for...four...more years. Ugh, that was hard to get out.

Michael Jackson has always been the absolute LEAST SEXUAL person in the world, to me. Don't believe me? Watch the video above and try to not feel nauseous. I dare you. It's not possible.

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Sounds Like a Good Deal to Me...

I seriously love Judge Mathis. And, yes, I recorded this myself. And, yes, I am trash.

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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Lazy Custom DIY Mani: The Creamsicle!

Have you ever thought about the fact that you don't have to be limited to the nail polish color options in your CVS? (Or Sephora if you're fancy.) I almost always have some crazy color polish idea in my head that I want to come to life. So I usually just make it myself. And it's not hard. (Duh, I wouldn't do that ish. I avoid actual work like the plague.)

Lately, I have been craving a creamsicle. (Popsicle and manicure) But I haven't found a creamy, light orange polish in stores. So here's what I did.

I took two polishes that I already own (cheap a b), and combined them. I took the white polish (It's was pretty skanked out, too.) and poured out about half of it. Then I poured in about half of the orange polish into the white bottle. Now I still have the orange (that I'm still into), and I'm using the crappy a white that I would have thrown out anyway. Life is like a box of chocolates...I don't know what that has to do with a damn thing.

Let's see how this mess turned out.

I'm into it. I want to eat my wrinkly little fingers off it's so creamsicle-y! And wasn't that mess easy as eff? And it's not like you have to have a freaking lab (meth or otherwise) to get this ish done! Let's see what one of my dogs thinks about it.

Obvs, she likes it. What do you b's think? Will you try this? Or do you think I'm trash? (The correct answers are "yes" and "yes.")

P.S. Don't bring up my dog's tooth situation. She's sensitive about that ish.

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Monday, April 23, 2012

I Say This Without a Drop of Irony: I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS MESS

G-L-A-M-O-R-OUS. Yes.
 It has just been confirmed that Lindsay Lohan will be starring in the Lifetime biopic of Elizabeth Taylor's life. If you haven't gotten eyeball cramps from all of the rolling of them that you're doing, wait for this ish. The name of the movie: Liz & Dick. What the WHAT? Liz Taylor would be slapping a b across the face with some glittery gloves if she knew about this. That dame would NOT want the name of her biopic to sound like it belongs in the Romancing the Bone porn collection.

Was Tori Spelling not available? That b knows how to turn out a Lifetime movie. If you haven't seen this gem, you are missing out hardcore.

A wonderful cinematic experience
P.S. I found this while trying to find a picture from one of my favorite movies:

If Walt started dating a character played by Tori Spelling on Breaking Bad, I could die right now happily.

I doesn't take much for me.

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Friday, April 20, 2012

I Don't Know Much, But I Have Friends That Do: Skin Care Edition

One of my homeslices, Ginger Francis, is a bad ass medical aesthetician, so I called that b yesterday to get some tips on keeping your skin on point. And trust, I need all the help I can get. I have had skin issues for almost 20 years. I had horrible cystic acne in my teens, which has translated to occasional adult acne and scarring. Fun! It's a hot mess. So I got her to answer my biggest questions about aging, acne, and her favorite skin care products.

I first asked her what most people don't know about skin, and skin care. She says that your dead skin cells will just keep building up over time, making your skin dull and blah, if you don't do something about it. So exfoliation is very important, and you need to do it regularly. Think of exfoliation like it's working out, and think of the products that you use as your diet. You don't do 10 crunches, eat one salad, and have a six pack. You have to maintain that ish! Her best regimen recommendation for aging is: cleanser, toner (if you're oily), a vitamin c treatment, and some kind of retinol (like Retin-A). Retinols help to get rid of those old, ugly skin cells.

She says that vitamin c will brighten the skin, and give a youthful glow. Sounds good, right? My old a needs all the youth I can get. Here's her pick for a vitamin c treatment.

Obagi Professional-C Serum

Here's the cheap pick that I use. Don't ask me if it works. Hell if I know, but it's silky and not oily!

Avalon Organics Vitamin C Serum

Ginger also recommends using Retin-A daily. She says it's the most prescribed product/drug (whatever the hell you want to classify it as) for wrinkles AND acne. I have recently started back on the Retin-A train, although I have only been doing every other night in order to avoid peeling. (Ginger said I'm a baby and I should use it every night. Whatevs. )

On the nights that I don't use Retin-A, I've been using this retinol product from Neutrogena.

Neutrogena Rapid Wrinkle Repair Serum

I've only been using it a couple of weeks, so we'll see if this is the business like I've been hearing for the past couple of months or not. But it's less than $20, and it's not oily, so I'm in for now.

Ginger says the one must-have for anti-aging is sunscreen, hands down. She says even if you are exfoliating and all that jazz, you will just keep damaging skin cells without sunscreen. Her favorite is ClearChoice Sport Shield Anti-Aging SPF 45 Sunscreen.

So how about all of the mess that we do wrong??? First off, stop using a wash cloth on your face. It's too harsh and can break down collagen. And be careful with waxing your eyebrows! Pulling on the skin can damage it, as well. Try threading for more of a gentle hair removal technique. 

If acne is an issue, Ginger recommends keep your routine simple; don't change products constantly, it can just inflame the skin even more. And most importantly, keep your hands OFF your face! As far as products go, she likes the Obagi Clenziderm Pore Therapy for oily skin, and the Obagi Clenziderm Therapeutic Lotion for dry skin.

And her favorite drugstore skin care product? She swears by Palmer's Skin Success Complexion Soap.

She hoards it, so go buy some before she buys every bar in existence!

Wow, that's a lot of information. I don't know that my tiny little brain can hardly handle it all. Do you guys have any specific skin care questions? I don't know much, but I can call people. I'm talented that way.

Now let's all get glowy together! (Or as much as my terrible skin will allow...)

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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Breaking News: Donatella Versace (and I) Love Downton Abbey

Donatella told Harper's Bazaar regarding her normal day:

"If I am on my own, I might watch some TV. I only watch the news on TV. Otherwise I catch up on movies on DVD. Recently I watched The Help, The Ides of March, and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. I'm also a big fan of Downton Abbey."

Me too, homegirl! Twinsies!

Obivously, the Dowager Countess is NOT feeling it. And neither is this cat:

I smell a viewing party, Tell-ster!

P.S. Try not to become overwhelmed by my photoshopping skills. I know they are uber intimidating.

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I'm Totally Into This Mess

 Let me start off by saying that I'm full-on jealous as hell that I didn't go to Coachella. I'm totally a dirty hippie at heart (Dr. Bronner's 4 EVA!), minus the dirt and the outdoor stuff. I'm going next year and I don't give an ish if I'm too old. If Pacey's old bones can go, I can too.

Anyway, Katy Perry showed up to Coachella with a new hair color: dark purple. And I love it! I wasn't that into the blue (or even the blonde), but this is super hot. It helps that her eyebrow game is on point in this picture, too. Those things are kickin' it, honey boo boo.  If I were 10 years younger (or even five) I would rock the hell out of this hair. (And that dress! Minus the flower...) But instead,  10 years ago I looked like this:

My. God.
Yes, I am wearing a children's Eeyore shirt that I have fashioned into a cropped halter top. What you can't see is that my friend is wearing a matching outfit. (I cropped her out to protect her identity. I know she'll read this -- you're welcome.) Oh, the early 2000's...You truly were quite a gem.

Guess who else was there (except for, like, everyone)? Oh, Linds. You are such a card. I seriously don't know what kind of artificial nonsense you have pumped into your mug, but is it bad that I like it? I know I shouldn't approve of a 25 year old (!!!) getting fillers or whatever in her face, but she's looking refreshed! And her hair? It's so Victoria's Secret Angel-y! This is the least dirty Lilo has looked in YEARS and she's at Coachella. It's a Coachella miracle!

What do you guys think? Do you like Katy's purple hair? How about Lilo's work? Let's dish on this ish.

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Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Bill Ruins EVERY. THING.

Ugh, ignore Bill and focus on the PENGUIN (!!!)
Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer's rep have confirmed to Entertainment Weekly that ol' Sooks is pregnant. Dammit, Bill! If you ruin True Blood for me, I'll hate you forever. (Too late.) Maybe there was a TB staff hot tub party and things got frisky, and there's a possibility that it's Eric or Alcide's kid.

A girl can dream...

P.S. I googled 'Alcide' (Shut up, it's RESEARCH!) and found this:

 If all of my printer cartridges are dried up tomorrow, I think we all know why.

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Aaaaaand I'm Done.

I've had a slight obsession with Hot Stoddy for a while, but sadly it's been tapering off in the past few months. I don't think I can handle this b anymore. I love a hot, hot mess, but this ish is getting to insane levels of gross.

I can't watch this video without feeling like I am complicit in some kind of illegal something or other. And this isn't even close to being the worst.  C Stodd has a YouTube Channel featuring some full-fledged creepy ish. A video of her jumping rope in lingerie and a 'countdown' (Until her 18th Birthday, natch. Bleh.) video in which she moans (Literally.) about her foot hurting are some of the material included. It's all pretty nauseating.

So sorry, Courtney. I'm not going to use the old "It's not you, it's me" thing. It's you and your creepy deal. (Deal = Husband) I wish the best for you, and hope you get placed with a nice foster family soon. One that believes in wearing clothes.

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Monday, April 16, 2012

Lazy B Diaries: Beauty Crap You Should ACTUALLY Do

Hiding Dirty - behind my Snuggie.

 I have not been shy about the fact that I am the laziest of the lazies. If laziness was in the Olympics, I would have medaled in the Junior Olympics back in the day, and now be a contender for the Senior Olympics. (Old.) Even if you are totally on my team, there are some things that you should actually still take care of in your beauty world.

1. Clean your makeup brushes: I know, that ish is SO annoying. But you should really try to clean those b's once a week. Ugh, it's the worst. But neglecting to clean makeup brushes can actually damage the bristles. Not to mention it can totally eff with your skin if you are using dirty mess all over your face. (Duh.) If you don't feel like getting fancy and buying a brush cleanser like this one:

You can use a baby shampoo or a gentle facial cleanser. Do this, seriously.

2. Don't leave your lips nakey: Even if you want to you bare-faced, throw on some type of lip product. Gloss, lipstick, chapstick with a hint of color...Something! You can cover your eyes with sunglasses, but nothing screams, "Look at my washed out face," like bare lips.

Pic via Buzzfeed

Do  you want everyone looking at you like this??? I didn't think so. Keep something easy like:

Or one of my favorites:

on your person all the time. You never know when you're going to run into your ex-boyfriend. Don't look a hot mess.

3. Style your "bang area": Even on days when you just want to air dry your hair, blow dry/style the front. Trust. You won't have that weird, cowlick/but wait I don't have a cowlick/I look crazy hair thing going on. This is literally what my hair looks like if I don't do this, and let all of my hair air dry.

I'm not exaggerating. Don't let serial killer Aileen Wuornos be your hair twin. You want to look bad ass, but not THAT kind of bad ass.

4. Wash your freaking face at night: Ugh, I hate this one the most. Washing my face at night seems as daunting as swimming the English Channel every night. (Is the Chunnel under the Channel? That would make sense, but I'm no Magellan.) But this ish is really important, as much as it sucks. Sleeping all night with a nasty makeup/oil/dirty gross marination on your skin is not cute. If you want to skip a cleansing, skip the morning wash. Not washing at night leads to congested skin, clogged pores, acne, and just all-over grossness. (It's a medical term.)

What is your beauty dread? Being a girl is the worst.

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Time to jump in our spaceships!

So, before you play this at full volume in your cubicle, it's super NSFW language. I mean, obvs. It's Tupac, y'all.

But seriously...

Now, let's all ride or die.

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Thursday, April 12, 2012

Let's Play the 'I'm Trash' Highlights for Adults

You guys remember Highlights Magazine, right? It was at your Dr.'s office and crap when you were a kid, waiting to get your tetanus shot or whatever your pediatric deal was. You had to find a pair of scissors in a picture of an owl's nest or some mess. You were supposed to locate the stuff that didn't belong. That was the point. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, you should get a subscription. That ish was the bomb. (Yep, it's '97 all over again.)

So let's play a little Highlights. Pick out all of the things in this picture that prove that I am a trash bag. I won't even make you flip to another page for the answers!

1. I have weave tracks falling out of my head. (A least it's not real REAL hair. Silver lining!)
2. As you can tell by my steering wheel, I am both an unsafe driver and a dirty b, because I put my makeup on in the car. (And obvs smear junk all over the car.)
3. I often have black crap on my fingers because I use them as a cosmetic brush.
4. It's hard to tell in this picture, but all of my nails BUT my thumb nail are painted.
5. If this were a scratch-and-sniff photo, you would know that my makeup brushes kind of smell like McDonald's french fries. I haven't been to a McDonald's in years.

Wow, wasn't that nostalgic and fun??? I am an equal opportunity b. I hate myself as much as everyone else, so it evens out...

What makes you guys trash? Or are you way to classy to answer that question?

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Monday, April 9, 2012

Lazy B Guide: 3 Easy Top Knots

Have I mentioned that I'm lazy? I'll help you disguise a dirty mop...Lazy style.


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J Love Needs Better Friends

How much do you love (no pun intended) this pic, BT-dubs? Poor Jennifer Love Hewitt. I really feel for this b. I was reading this article over at X17 in which she talks about how she has a big crush on Adam Levine, and how he hasn't reached out to her to even thank her for airing said crush. And also how she @ tweeted Joe Jonas and told him to have a Happy Easter and to watch her show. What the what?

Giiiirl, do you not have any friends? You have been suffering from a case of the 'try too hards' for years now, J Love. You seem to be a very nice girl, but it's WAY. TOO. MUCH. The constantly talking about who you like, the vajazzling thing...Please stop. You are almost entering Courtney Stodden levels of attention-demanding stunts. I just can't with you anymore.

I want to make you a nice pot of chamomile tea, and have a little sit down like we're starring in a Summer's Eve commercial. "It's time to stop with this nonsense, honey." I'll say while I pat your hand. "Remember those pictures of you in the bikini playing tennis?" I'll gently remind her, while I pull out this picture, marked 'Exhibit 1B'.

"No one wears espadrilles while playing sports. Not even an OC Housewive." Then I'll hand her a guest Snuggie and we will watch The Client List (OG tv movie, not the show) together.

Call me, J Love.

Stop tweeting Jonas brothers, please.

Update :
I just found this JLH quote from US Weekly - "I carry McCormick's Pure Vanilla [in my purse] -- the baking kind -- and dab it on my neck... Men are attracted to the scent! One time, I put it on and four different guys were like, 'You smell amazing!'"


P.S. I'm going to buy vanilla extract. I hate myself.

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Thursday, April 5, 2012

Forget About the Foreclosure, What the Eff is Up With Your Eyebrow Game?

Listen, Octomom. You are making a national television appearance. I know that you are down and out right now, but there is not an excuse for those brows paired with not a stitch of eye makeup. And I just can't even start with that shirt.

Let's see with RHOA's Dwight has to say:


That b's word is final.

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Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Hey, Rihanna...

Why are you wearing Gam Gam's jammies?

P.S. Your hair looks 1,000 times better than that thirsty blonde weave you've been sporting, so congrats on that!

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