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Saturday, March 31, 2012

Don't Fall Asleep Tonight...




Because this might scare the tee tee out of you. (Wear your Nighty Nights just in case.)



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Things I Learned by Seeing Vanessa Hudgens in the Grocery Store Today

Pic via Twitter

V Hudge (we're on that level now) is in my town filming a movie, along with Selena Gomez and some other chick. That's her in the center of the pic, with a blonde wig on, for whatever reason. Anyway, I'm just shopping today at Fresh Market (the more annoying/not as good Whole Foods), I turned down one of the aisles, and there's Vanessa Hudgens. I was trying to give my husband the shifty eyes and mouthing "Vanessa Hudgens." (I'm so annoying. I hate myself.) I finally had to drag him to another aisle to tell him, and that b still didn't believe me. I had to google a picture of her neck tattoo to convince him.

So here's what I learned from my brief V Hudge sighting:

- She buys herself red roses. (Okay, klassy lady.)
- She likes onions. AND red apples. (hmmmmm)
- She eats granola bars BEFORE paying for them. (CRIMINAL!)
- She wasn't wearing makeup. (Vac Efron would NEVER make that rookie mistake.)
- She's somewhat polite. I moved my shopping cart out of the way to make room for her to get by and she mumbled, "Thanks."
- She drinks SWEETENED almond milk. (Judging.)

Am I paparazzi now? Sorry, if you're reading this V Hudge (I'm sure she always reads my blog.) that I was staring at your ass (Not your actual ass.) and I wrote a boring blog post about you. I hate myself.



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Friday, March 30, 2012

I Finally Found Something to Sop Up This Oily A** Mess!

Have I mentioned that I'm oily? Okay, I always harp on this ish. I have real problems, y'all. ISSUES. I have to wash my hair daily. Even if I try to do a 'bun day' with dirty hair, it's not happening. It looks like I put surfboard wax or some mess in my hair. It's pretty effin' gross. In an effort to not wash my hair errr day, I have tried a plethora of dry shampoos. They usually suck.

Having dark hair, it's kind of hard to find a great dry shampoo that doesn't make you look like you are trying to look like an English judge in a powdered wig. (Which is pretty sexual, Bee Tee Dubs.) I've found that most of the time, spray dry shampoos do nothing on my hair, and powders make me look insane.

So I had not high hopes for my latest conquest:


This is No Drought by Lush. It costs about $13. If you aren't familiar with this place, it's that store in the mall that has a bunch of soaps in it, and you can smell a mile away. Stronger than Auntie Anne's Pretzels. Ish is strong.

And here's what it looks like out of the package:


To apply it, you can either squirt the mess directly in your hair, or squirt it on your hand and rub through your hair. It's messy as hell, I'm not going to lie. But it's just as cray if you use baby powder or whatever. Unlike baby powder, it doesn't smell like a baby's butt. It smells like lemons. (Which I prefer to diaper scent, personally.) And unlike baby powder, I don't find it to make it look like I have gray hair, as long as I brush my hair out.

With the assistance of this stuff, I can actually, on occasion, wear my hair down the day after shampoo. A couple of times I have even gone THREE DAYS. (Hair up, natch.) Call the Vatican, I'm pretty sure that qualifies for a miracle.

I'm into it.  (Duh.) Let me know if you guys have a favorite dry shamps that I don't even know about. Sharing is caring! I won't ask you b's how long you go without washing your hair, because I wouldn't drop dead with jealousy of your dirtiness. LAZINESS 4 EVA!


You still got it, Marky Mark.



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Thursday, March 29, 2012

She's Baaaack

Pic via US Weekly

Lindsay Lohan left LA court today as a free woman. B's off probation! Pop bottles (please don't)!

I will say a quick "Thank you Jesus" to the fact that honey boo boo chile went back to being a ginge. I don't know what is happening so much with her facial sitch, but it (kinda?) looks good. She looks somewhat Leann Rimes-ish. But those toofs are looking good, and her skin looks like a human (and not an 80 year old one). But that pantsuit? Katie Couric, you are not. Even Ann Curry would throw you a hardcore side eye on that choice. And going up a size wouldn't kill you, kiddo.



Keep it together, Lindz.


Put one of these over your bed, and stare at it every morning. You'll be a-okay!

P.S. When you're bored (like you are after reading this ish), go to YouTube and search "Ann Curry." There are a bunch of videos of Ann Curry's legs. Why are creepers so creepy?




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Tuesday, March 27, 2012

This is...Different.



Here's a video of (forever in my mind) Cher Horowitz feeding her kid by chewing up her food and spitting it into his mouth. I don't have kids, so maybe I'm out of the loop in life. Is this a thing? Do people spit in their baby's mouths? Wouldn't your kid be hanging on your mouth all the time like one of these things?


I'm not going to lie. This ish freaks me out a little. I would be all:


Okay, maybe not that harsh. It is an infant, after all.

What do you guys think? Is this ish 'normaling'?



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Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Hunger Games Makeup Tutorial!



Here's the picture I used for reference:


Everybody try it! Go Hunger Games!!!! TWEEEE!


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Why is 'The Situation' in Rehab?

(Not an actual picture of the Situation)

As you may have heard, America's Sweetheart has entered rehab for unknown reasons. A rep for MTV claims that it is for "rest and recuperation." To which I give a big ol' "b please" served with a heaping side eye. You want to rest? Go to a Sandals resort or some ish. Maybe sit your ass in a velour Lay-Z-Boy for a hot minute.

I'm going to speculate on the real reason that Mike Sorrento (I think that's actually a cheese brand, but I don't feel like googling that mess.)

- He's addicted to pledging his face. (Why is it so shiny? Whyyyy?)
- He's addicted to forcing girls to wear his lounge wear as soon as they come to his house from the club, and before he sexes them. (I think that Freud might have an answer to that one.)
- He can't stop getting haircuts that include shapes being shaved into one's head, such as stars and stripes. (Patriotic!)
- He can't get over his obsession/jealousy with his friend, the Unit's (bleh), lustrous hair. (Have you seen it? It's kind of insane.)
- He's truly exhausted from fake working at a t-shirt shop, when in reality he gets paid $100k per episode.

I need to go to rehab over the fact that this dumdum (Sorry, no disrespect, Mr. DumDum.) is driving around in damn Bentleys and ish, while I wonder if Dodge has discontinued the Neon for my next car. 

P.S. If homeboy really needs to go to rehab, I'm proud of that b for going. But stop sending out press releases and just go!



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Monday, March 19, 2012

I Don't...Understand...This...


I found myself staring at this InStyle cover yesterday in the grocery store, unable to move. This ish has me perplexed. WHAT THE EFF IS THIS PICTURE? Sofia Vergara is one of the hottest b's in the game right now, and InStyle is using this mess on the cover? B looks cray. If someone said, "Hey, what is Latoya Jackson doing on the cover of InStyle?" I would not even question it. And then I would slap them and unfriend them on Facebook, because Toy Toy is an obvious style icon. Duh.


I mean, please. Stop. Playing. B took inspiration from Britney Spears' I'm a Slave 4 U, threw in some woodland fairy and rolled with it. Flawless.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand. It is hard to make Sofia Vergara look, ermmm, not so great and InStyle did that here. I also find it somewhat ironic that this is the 'color' issue, and ol' Sofs looks super washed out. Can a sister get a little bronzer?

What do you guys think? Am I right? Or am I the crazy brains around here? (Don't answer that.)



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Hot Spring Makeup Trend: The Navy Smoky Eye!





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Sunday, March 18, 2012

I Have Been Living a Lie...And You're Going to Hate Me!

I have totally been hiding something from you guys, and it is HIGH time that my ol' shady ass comes clean. (Why does that sound gross for some reason?)

Time for my confession...


I have been wearing Toms. AND I LOVE THEM. I know, I know. We talked about this. And you all gave me a big ass "NAY" over it.  You don't even know me anymore, do you?

Just hear me out for a minute. It's not my fault. I blame Whole Foods. I was shopping for fun stuff like kale and wheatgrass (See, I'm totally in the Toms demographic!), and I came upon the Toms section at Whole Foods (Yes, that exists, weirdly enough.). I always linger there for a moment, and this time there was a pair for 50% off! I was all, "What the eff. When in Rome..." and snatched them up.

That was it for me. After the initial breaking in (one day of semi-discomfort), I felt like this:



It was like angels were carrying my feet upon their feathery wings!!! (Note: Not AS comfortable as that, but pretty, pretty close.) And I actually found them to be cute! I know, what the eff? Am I a step away from wearing the devil's handmaidens? AKA these:

If you said "Yes," you better quit playin' b. Ain't happening. Sidenote: Crocs, please stop trying to be cute. Just accept that you are the 2000's version of a water shoe/Teva sandal-with-socks hybrid and call it a day.



NO. STOP THE INSANITY.

You can trust that I will never cross over to THAT dark side.



See! I'm still me! Don't hate me...I'm still a girly heels girl at heart. I just have a semi-split hippie personality (With extra dirtiness!).

I'm just being Miley! (I hate myself.)



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Friday, March 16, 2012

Go From Betty Blahsville to Edgy Edith in One Easy Step!

Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and feel a big ol' "Meh" escape your lips? Do you want to look more like you might shank a b? I feel like this dude right now, but this is NOT the direction in which we are going:



We're talking more of the eyeliner variety, of the darkest and deepest blackness (IE: the shade of my heart. Why does that sound like a Backstreet Boys song?)


I'm talking the newest shade of Urban Decay's 24/7 Eye Pencil in Perversion. Oh just how black IS THIS, pray tell? Turn it down a notch, I got you.


Yep, we are talking liquid liner dark. You can throw this b on, smudge, and be a sexy, minxy, sexpot in roughly five seconds. These pencils are also touted to be 'waterproof'. Oh really, Urban Decay? Is that how we're playing?


Well, damn. Here's my hand after scrubbing the hell out of it. You win, UD.

You can buy this ish for $19 at Sephora or UrbanDecay.com.



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Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I'm on Neighborhood Watch.

Selena Gomez has been filming a movie in my town for the past few weeks, along with ol' Smirks McGee (Government Name: Vanessa Hudgens). I gave not really a crap about this, unless I got to see that b. And alas, I have not. So I pretty much felt like this:


 That is until a couple of days ago, when the plot started to thicken on this ish. That's when I found out that THE BIEBS was here! Staying right down the street from me, at the Vinoy.


I hear that this place is haunted, so I secretly hope that the ghost of Abagail Adams (???) haunted him and he tee-teed in the bed. Fingers crossed! THIS B supposedly spent $18k IN ONE FRIGGIN' NIGHT. Okay, Justin Bieber! I see you! Ridic.

It gets even closer to home for me. Sunday night, these two little love muffins were seen at the sports bar NEXT DOOR to my damn apartment. What the what?


Here's my professional photograph. They obviously have nice garbage receptacles. So here's the haps from my source, who happens to be my radio host friend, Holly. She talked to a waitress over at Ferg's (the lovely bar pictured) that said that Selena and Biebs ALLEGEDLY got a little crunk on purple drank (not literally). They apparently were drinkin' and fightin' like they were on an epi of Teen Mom. The Bieb-ster stormed out after a fight, and later came back to hang more. See? Celebs are just like us!




(That was strictly a recreation, and not really a Justin Bieber video.)

I saw this beauty cruising down the interstate today, and I REALLY hope that those two crazy kids are shacked up inside.


Yes, that is an airbrushed portrait of cuddling white tigers on the back of an RV.

P.S. For some reason every time that I type "Justin Bieber" I almost always type "Justin Beaver." Coincidence? I think not...

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TWEEEEEEEE!

                                                                   Pic via Pop Sugar

So, um hi guys. I know a lot of you are all, "And you are???" I know. I haven't blogged in about 8 million years. But I got a retail job a few weeks ago, and I've been busy y'alls! (Worst excuse of the year? 'Haps.) BUT, I just got a new computer and I made a pact with myself that I would blog AT LEAST four times a week. Mmmmkay? Mmmmkay. Now that that nonsensical madness is out of the way, let's discuss this.

TWEEEEEEE! (Okay, so "TWEEEEE!" is what I say in my mind when I see something I like that is completely age inappropriate for me to be into. See: Hunger Games, Hello Kitty, pretty pink stuff.) So here's Jennifer Lawrence from The Hunger Games premiere. Um, if this ish isn't TWEEEEE-rific, I don't know what the eff is. Katniss is looking all kinds of minx-y in this getup. Everything is a big ol' YEEEEAAAAS for me on this.

What do you guys think? Into it? Feel like vomiting? (Maybe you had some bad shellfish.)

P.S. I'm thinking of doing a a Hunger Games makeup tutorial vid. Probably something Effie Trinket-ish.


Would you guys like that? Still want to vomit? Let a sister know.

I'm baaaaack b's!


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