Monday, January 30, 2012

The Big Ol' WTF From the SAG Awards

Seriously, Wiig? I hope that this is how we got here: Kristen was playing memory lane dress up (where you put on weird crap that you own from a million years ago) right before the SAG Awards, and she threw on her most heinous choker from circa '98. (She's funny! It amuses her!) Meanwhile, her friend was ironically (hilariously) gluing on Lee brand press-on nails right behind her. Somehow the nail glue droplets fell into the choker's attaching apparatus thingy, locking the horrible choker onto Wiig's neck! And Wiig has a scissor phobia, so she doesn't keep any in her house, rendering her completely unable to remove the gross choker! At this point, she just has to throw on her decent but pretty 'meh' dress and skedaddle! 

That's the only possible explanation. Or a wild west posse forced her to wear that mess at gunpoint. That's it.

P.S. I don't care that it's some old ass Fred Leighton bougie bougie boo boo stuff. A mess is a mess is a mess.

P.P.S. Her makeup looks pretty.

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Thursday, January 26, 2012

My Computer Just Updated...

And this was one of my tabs recovered when my computer restarted. I feel like I'm probably flagged by the FBI now.

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Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Did Rihanna Really Get 'Thug Life' Tattooed on Her Fingers?

Listen, young lady. I know you think this all cool and ish, but one day it won't be. And isn't getting 'Thug Life' tattooed in PINK kind of an oxymoron? And John Lennon does not endorse this action. But you know where the poster of your t-shirt image does belong?

End of Discussion.

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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I'm Not Young, and I'm Hardly Adult...But I'm So Pumped Over 'Hunger Games'!

This is completely unrelated, but the title of this post forced my brain to go here...

Don't act like your grown ass didn't just sit here and watch that entire video. And don't act like Britney wasn't super hot then! Blerg!

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. Are you guys into The Hunger Games? Or you all, "Hello...That's a Young Adult series, and I am grown and sexy!" (P.S. If you really did just think that, Mom, stop reading this blog and go back to reading How Stella Got Her Groove Back.) If you aren't on the H.G. train yet, you better hop the hell on, b! The movie of the first book comes out in March, and the buzz keeps building. Adding to the fabulousity is the newly created Capitol Couture site, which shows off the hottest H.G. fashions, starting with ol' Effie Trinket. (Duh.)

Ugh! How much are you dying right now??? Hopefully we will get more sneak peeks as we get closer to the release of the movie. But now, I have to go powder my face (literally) and get a pink wig. (Yay for two semi-Britney Spears references in one completely unrelated post!)

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Monday, January 23, 2012

Light a Candle!

 *Seriously, who marries/has kids with this person?

No, this isn't about the flatlining of  Heidi Klum and Seal's marriage, which totally brings the sadness, BTW. This is SERIOUS! Former Mr. Spears level seriousity! (Yep, not a word. Don't google it.) According to TMZ (They also have a couple pics), Kevin Federline was hospitalized in Australia for signs of a heart attack. Seeing that K Fed looks like he's DEEEEP into his third trimester, this ish isn't THAT surprising. But, dang, b is only 33! Honey Boo Boo, you better get this right. Your kids by your three (!!!) babies' mamas need their diiiiddy! (Don't sue me, real Diddy.)

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Friday, January 20, 2012

The Beauty Bucket List: Girly Crap to Master Before You Die!

*This post is totally not endorsed by Jack Nicholson or Morgan Freeman. They do NOT approve.

#1  How to rock a winged eyeliner and a red lip.

You're probably thinking, "But I don't know HOW to put on liquid eyeliner! That ish is crazy hard! What am I? An alien princess? And red lipstick? That mess looks turrrrible on my skin tone!" Number one, maybe you are an alien. I don't know your life like that. Number two, you are not yet dead, because you are currently reading this. So you have time to master the liquid! Once you get the hang of it, you're golden. Trust. I even made a video on it a while ago to get you started!

As far as red lipstick goes, there is a shade for EVERYONE. Go see your local, friendly makeup artist if you need help finding a shade, mmmkay? This is a timeless look, and takes about 30 seconds to acheive. It will instantly add a big ol' pinch of glamour to your life!

#2  How to masterfully walk in heels.

I don't care if you are more of a flats girl, a flip flop girl, or even a kitten heel (I just threw up in my mouth a little.) kind of lady, you need to know how to walk easily in a high heel. You never know where your life might take you! What if you are kidnapped by a crazy shiek and forced into an international beauty pagaent? What if Courtney Stodden gets remarried next year, and she has chosen you to be a bridesmaid? You can't turn that train wreck down just beacuse of your baby fawn-like wobbly ankles! Seriously, learn this. Mandatory.

#3  Figure out what style of jeans look best on YOUR body.

We all know that jeans are a warbrobe staple. You can wear them while you eat Cheetos on the couch, and use them to double as a denim napkin. You can wear them for a w'y (Do you get where I'm going here?) night out on the town, and when you wake up in a park or whatever you won't look THAT out of place. (Yikes, that sounds like a case for Olivia Benson.) Whatever, they are versatile.

BUT, not every style of jeans look great on everyone. But I promise you that there is a style that will make your butt look the best and your legs longer. Just because something is trendy at the time, doesn't mean it will work for you. Think about Jennifer Anniston for a sec. Do you recall ever seeing her in skinny jeans? I don't. She almost exclusively wears bootcut denim, and looks really hot in them. Case closed.

#4  How to accessorize the mess out of a super plain outfit.

There's a reason why things like the little black dress and jeans and a tank are popular. It's because they are ridiculously easy to wear and can be styled in a million different ways! Now the only issue that you have is how to make the most out of these plain outfits. Necklaces, earrings, belts, scarves, blazers and jackets will save your style in these cases. Even when you are low on fund-age, you can make your wardrobe work (make, make it work) by using what you already have in your closet look new every third day.

#5  Know how to dye your own hair (in a pinch).

Now, obvs the pros do this ish way better. But in an extreme roots/botched color job emergency, we all need to know how to fix that sitch. Once again on this one, once you get the hang of it, it's super easy. Just don't get too cray cray if you are very inexperienced. You will look a hot mess. The first time I dyed my own hair, I looked just like Carrot Top (with less eyeliner).

#6  Come to terms with your flaws, and work the hell out of your assets.

We are our own biggest critics, duh. Trust me, I know all of my flaws dearly and intimately. Have I accepted them? Oh hell no. My skin, my legs, my nose, my teeth, we could be here all day. We can't have it all! (A dermatologist once told me that when I asked him if my skin would ever look good. Yay! Thanks for the pep talk!) So, obviously, I'm still really working on this one.

BUT, we all also have some amazing assets. I like my eyebrows...Maybe you have great legs! Or lips! Or boobs! Or hair! Whatever your amazingness may be, focus on it and highlight it to the best of your ability.

What do you guys think should be on the beauty bucket list? What do you want to learn/do before you kick it? Pin It

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

So Now We're Running In Stripper Heels?

Actually the weirdest thing about this picture is not the fact that C Stodd is wearing lucite heels while jogging (Is it pronounced yaw-ging?), it's the fact that b now has a bodyguard. What in f's sake does she need security? Are those diamond-encrusted stripper shoes? B, please. And homeboy needs to go visit a Men's Warehouse, ASAP. That is an ill-fitting mess of a blazer if I have ever seen one.

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Wednesday, January 11, 2012

We've Been Waiting a Month for THIS?!?!

The Donny Clay Show with Courtney Stodden from Jason Alexander

I told you guys a while back that C Stodd was making a Funny or Die video. Weeeell, looky here. It sucks. And I really like Jason Alexander (not the Britney Spears ex-husband one). Remember when George Costanza blamed 'shrinkage'? Awesome. But this? No.

P.S. I'm holding myself back from making a "No soup for you!" reference, because I do have a modicum of dignity. (No I don't.)

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Peep the Sephora Haul Scene...

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Saturday, January 7, 2012

If You Are A Yogi(ish)

I love yoga, and I get bored doing the same mess over and over. This vid is from yoga instructor extraordinaire, Sadie Nardini. There are four parts to this workout, and you can check out her entire YouTube channel here, where she has a ton of videos. This one even includes a handstand. Yay! Fun! Now you can yoga your little heart out anytime/anywhere.

Do you guys like yoga? What are your favorite workouts?

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Friday, January 6, 2012

I Don't Know Jack Ish About Kids...

But I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be giving them 'mystery juice' of any kind. Isn't that what Michael Jackson ALLEGEDLY gave kids back in the day? Ummm...Yeah, no.

P.S. I'm totally changing my name to Alana. Because that girl is the truth.

P.P.S. My new catchphrase is now, "Give me a dollar, make me holla honey boo boo child."

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Thursday, January 5, 2012

Seriously, Don't Watch This. It's Terrible.

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