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Monday, October 31, 2011

Damn You, Target!

I got an email from Target today, letting me know that they have a limited time designer collabo with Albertus Swanepoel, who typically makes hats that retail for around $400. I super love the leopard hat here, and the best part is all of the hats are $19.99! What??? Okay, Target. You've snookered me again into wanting some of your bull ish!

Here are a few more that I'm pretty much dying over.

So cute! What do you guys think? Are you "hat girls?" Check out the entire Target collection here. Pin It

And in No Doy News...


I am proud of this b for announcing this ish on her own terms, and not in some annoying ass People mag spread. And kudos (Or as RHWoNY's Ramona Singer would say, "Kah-dooooz.") on a cute Halloween costume/hair/makeup deal. Pin It

Let's Get This Out of the Way

Lindsay Lohan's photo Thanks Dr. Dorfman for the zoom... My gums are so sore though!

This. B*tch. Lilo posted this picture over the weekend accompanied by the following tweet, "Thanks Dr. Dorfman for the zoom... My gums are so sore though!" Ummmm...no. This is what her teeth looked like last week.


Let's all just quit effing playing. Slapping some freaking Crest Whitestrips on your teefs does not wash the crackiness out. Getting your teeth whitened does not make the chips go away. You got veneers, sweetness. I'm over this lying ass! Just tell the truth. Here, I'll write your press release!

"Hey, guys! Lindsay Lohan here. Guess what? I'm so excited! After peddling my ass for Playboy, I took part of that mil and got my teeth fixed. Yep, I got veneers! Don't they look better??? Thanks for your well wishes! I've got to to morgue duty; court ordered. Peace!"

See? What that so hard?

P.S. Nice bowl full o'ciggies in the background of your picture. Pin It

Kim K and Her Husband are Already Hanging it Up!

Pic via Daily Mail

TMZ is reporting that Kim Kardashian and her husband are filing for divorce after 72 days of marriage. Have you even gotten your wedding pictures back at this point? That ish is quick as hell. I didn't have THAT much hope for these two, anyway. I think any time you date/marry someone that has the same name as a family member (not to mention your MOM), crap's not going to work. That mess is creepy.

I also just wanted to post a picture of Kim's costume this year. For having a multi-bajillion dollar empire, this looks low-rent as hell. I mean, shouldn't poor-ass plebeians like us be raiding Michaels and hot gluing plastic leaves to corsets? For shame! (I originally typed "sham." I should have kept the typo. Fitting!)

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The Scariest Halloween...EVER.


Just a couple of tricks this year, no treats. Courtney Stodden, everyone's favorite, demure teenager dressed as a "little girl" for Halloween this year. While her husband dressed as...her? Bleh. Please, you know it's not the first time that man has tucked for his life and slapped on some sequins. Don't even get me started on his sensible auntie heels. I see you, Doug. You aren't fooling me.

P.S. They're wearing matching nail polish.

P.P.S. You don't learn your "good" photo angles and how to smile with your eyes overnight, Doug. Quit playing.

Pic via Radar Online. Go see more pics there. Pin It

Code ORANGE!

I was perusing the ol' Facebook earlier today, checking out people's Halloween pictures. (One of my favorite pastimes, BT-dubs. I can silently judge people. But now I'm blogging about it...Whoopsie?) I noticed an issue with a lot of girls/ladies/young women/whatevs. No, not the slutiness/tininess/low rent-ness of the costumes. Do your thang, girl! It's Halloween! No, this was something much more sinister. So many b's were way too damn tan! It looked like a dang Valencia orange grove up in there! Let's explore this issue...I'll even talk ish about myself!


I mean, sh*t! Look at me! I was too tan even on my wedding day. And those pictures WON'T DIE! I was a tanorexic b for a looooong time. Not. Cute. But don't worry! I'm not the only one.


Ol' Xtina (Remember that?!?) has been too tan forever, along with a long list of other celebrities. See: Everyone on Jerseylicious. (Yes, I'm stretching at the term "celebrity.") Baseball mitts, anyone?


Oh these two. Even swag-a-rific designers aren't immune to this is. You know Anne Hathaway is thinking, "If this b gets his crazy ass bronzer all over my porcelain skin, I will scream!" (You know she's a stomping, screaming kind. Look at her face. It's okay, Annie. I am too!) I can't even with Donatella. She's just filed under: Too. Much.


And you KNOW I couldn't forget about America's sweetheart! B*tch got 99 problems, and her tan is one. Honey, you SELL SELF TANNER. Get it together!

I'm pleading with everyone. Being too tan is not cute! It's a real thing! C'mon peeps. Let's kick this ish together, and self tan in moderation. (NO TANNING BEDS!)

PSA, anyone? Pin It

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Every Woman is Jealous.

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I am jealous. I'm jealous that I lost my Caboodle in '93 and I can't find my exact match to that lipstick shade C Stod is rocking. I'm jealous that I have searched every Body Shop and Rave around, and I still can't find an arm cuff like that. Blerg!

But seriously, how did this girl become the alleged person that is now Courtney Stodden? Get on that, Rubix Cube solvers. There's your puzzle. Pin It

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Um, J Love?

Picture via TMZ

Listen, you vagazzling cray cray. Just because Kim Kardashian's face doesn't even resemble Kim Kardashian anymore, doesn't mean we need a replacement. We're good. In fact, we're over capacity. But please make more prostitute/masseuse Lifetime movies. Those are awesome. Thanks, b!

Sincerely,
America

P.S. Take that dress off. It's not 2009. Pin It

And You Are? Leighton Meester Edition


Blair Waldorf would never co-host some high falutin' (Darn tootin' I said that.) party with period face. Pin It

Yes! I Love Cheap Androgyny!


Right on the heels of their major collabo with Versace, H&M announced today that they are doing a line inspired by Lisbeth Salander, the main character of the hot book/movie "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." (P.S. If you haven't read that ish yet, what are you waiting for? It's great. Just skim all of the uber-Swedish names and stuff.) Picture dark, bad ass, leather, hoods and stuff. I personally can't wait. This looks hot as hell. And if the H&M doesn't open soon near me (There has been an "Opening Soon" sign nonsense up forever), I might have to shank a b*tch. I bet Lisbeth would totally endorse that action.

What about you guys? Are you into it? Pin It

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I Think Your Due Date is Tomorrow, or Something.


Listen, I don't know nothin' about birthing babies (Credit: Prissy in Gone With the Wind. P.S. That ish is ridic racist.), but b*tch, you are pregnant as hell. Don't believe me? Go look at all of these pictures on Splash News Online. Ol' J Simp's spanx are hanging on for dear life and SCREEEEAAA-MING.

Point #2, I'm not Lizzie Grubman (Remember that b?!?) or anything, but if you're trying to get 500k for your pregnancy announcement, don't wear the tightest sh*t you own and traipse about New York. Damn Chicken of the Sea, didn't your Daddy teach you better than that? Or are you doing this to one up your ex-dude's wife? If that's the case, play on, playa. Pin It

Duh, Who Doesn't Love a Pizza Party?!? Super NSFW



This would have totally been my jam for sleepovers in third grade, if it wasn't for the whole n-word, f-bombs, and the constant cunnilingus/fellatio referencing thing. Pin It

Monday, October 24, 2011

I'm Cheap: Part 12093820983, Fashion Edition

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A Halloween Hahahahah Moment


C Stodd and her gross husband, who here is dressed as an out of work 90's boy band-er who now works under the table for a moving company, were kicked out of a pumpkin patch after people complained about these two hoeing it up. (That was the longest run-on sentence ever, but you get the point.) These two rascals! With their fake sex ish! Hop over to the Daily Mail and see more of this hot ham sandwich situation. But seriously, you are at a PUMPKIN PATCH. I hope the spirit of the Great Pumpkin comes for these crazies. (No, I don't. I love them.) This. B*tch.
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Friday, October 21, 2011

Easy Winged, Retro Eyeliner Tutorial



I'm back to creating my vids, and they are worse/cheesier than ever. Enjoy! (Don't Enjoy.) Pin It

Calling All Cheap B's: Old Navy Boots Edition

We all know by now that I'm cheap as hell. I happened into an Old Navy last weekend, and there was some huge ass sale going on. Full disclosure: I kind of hate Old Navy, typically. I feel like everything is super blah, but that's just me. I'm a b*tch. I prefer to shop at F21, and be three times the age of the average demographic when I purchase my cheap ass wares. To each her own and blah, blah. But I actually picked up some pretty cute boots. They were all at least 50% of, which sounds good to me. I hate to pay a lot for a boot that's kind of trendy, and I'm not going to wear next Fall/Winter season. And all of the following probably meet those criteria. Let me shut the eff up and let's see some cheap crap!


First I got these western-style ankle boots. I paid $14. I mean, that ish is cheap. On the web, all of these are more expensive for some reason, so you might want to check out your local Old Navy.


I also picked up these cute wedge desert boots. I've been looking for a cute desert boot this season, but I need a wedge because, A) I'm short, and B) I'm stumpy. So these fit the bill. Plus. they are gray, which is one of my favorite colors. (BOOOORING!) I paid $18 for these, and once again that is cheaper than posted online.

The last pair I got were these motorcycle boots. I've been wanting this split style boot since I came across these Dolce Vita boots several months ago, and couldn't find my size. These Old Navy's are a super close copy. And for $20, it works for me. A lot of people were bitching in the reviews that there was a split in the side of the boot that flopped over. For me, that is the point, but just be warned if that's not your thing.

So that's my super cheap Old Navy haul! If none of these styles are your bag, go check out everything that they have on sale right now. Good luck, and happy cheap ass shopping!

Edit: I took some terrible pictures of the boots on, so you can get a general idea. My photography is AWFUL. All apologies. (Credit: Nirvana)

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When Pants-less-ness Goes Too Far


Listen, Aggs. I still love you, but this is just more than my poor eye/heart combination can take. What exactly am I viewing here? Tights and boyshorts? A leotard and a t-shit? (I seriously typed that first. It fits.) At least she wore her sensible and sassy Chico's pleather coat over this mess. I mean, really. Some things are sacred!

Photo: US Weekly Pin It

It's the Most Wonderful Day of the Year!



Happy Birthday, Judge Judy. You are the only person that can make a grown woman collapse into tears bye uttering, "Goodbye!" That's my b. Pin It

Friday, October 14, 2011

Is This Real Life?


No, not this picture of Blondie and Andre the Giant. But I googled "Steven Seagal" and this came up. And wouldn't you rather look at that hot duo of sex than this?


I mean you see this enough. Every day, when you pop in your "Songs from the Crystal Cave" and you just jam the eff out. I see you. Anyway, can I get to the damn point? According to the San Antonio Press, Steven Seagal is now working for the Hudspeth County Sheriff's Office to guard to Mexico-USA border. Like for a job. Like not an acting one. I mean, for real, kid. I feel you.

P.S. I need that ring, Seagal. Pin It

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Great Discount for You Oily Faces

I told you guys a couple of weeks ago about the mineral makeup that I'm into, Everyday Minerals. Well guess what? They just released a new matte formulation for the shiny gals out there, and it's 20% off right now! So let's unite, oily b's, and slide on (Ew!) over to Everyday Minerals and get in on the deal!

P.S. Sephora is having a pretty bad ass sale, too. Pin It

Courtney Stodden's Ridiculous Tweet of the Day


So. Many. Ridiculous. Words.

This b*tch MUST moonlight as a low rent romance novelist. If not, she is seriously underachieving. Pin It

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Seriously, WTF is this Effery?



Oh. My. Stars. Are we double-sided taping our eyeballs now? N'thanks. Cray cray britches! (Yes, BRITCHES, you dirty heads!) Pin It

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Take Your Favorite Summer Dress Into Fall!

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Get Your MF'ing Cowboy Boots On, B*tches!


Hey Dude is coming back! According to Entertainment Weekly, Teen Nick 90's Block (This exsists?!?! Where the eff have I been?) is adding Hey Dude to its Friday night lineup. Crap, I need to find out if I have this mess on my cable. I'll see you b's later. I'm leaving JTT in charge. Let's see what he has to say about this news.


Awesome. He's totally on board with it. Pin It

OMG, You Guys! How Cute Are These?!?


I think that this is the first time since the late 90's that I am coveting press-on nails! WTF, Dita Von Teese? Quit playin' games with my heart! I'm totally getting these. They are $9.99, people! Get on this train! C'mon and ride it! If you would like to join me on the press-on nail second wind, you can get these bad boys (girls) on Dita's website. Pin It

Monday, October 3, 2011

I'm Changing the Name of This Blog...


To icantstopobsessingovercourtneystodden.com. But seriously, WTF world??? Please go look at ALL of these pictures of her "just another day at the pool" over on Superficial.

P.S. YOU ARE WELCOME! Pin It

Easy, Muti-Tasking Makeup Item!



What would you guys pick as your "desert island" item? Pin It

Sunday, October 2, 2011

The Badass Self Tanner List



I'm TRYING to be less awkward with every video. #FAIL

P.S. Fail on using "fail." What is it? 2009? Pin It

Saturday, October 1, 2011

This. B.


Ol' formerly Dash face (currently cattish? face) wore this ish BOWLING the other night. Listen, I'm a ridiculous b*tch. I overdress for effing EVERYdamTHING, and even I know this is crazy as hell. Pin It

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